Hi Everyone,
This is fairly long, but please, your help would mean so much to me! 
I am so grateful to have found this resource, I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years (Today is our 3 year anniversary) and for the first time in 3 years, I experienced his BPD rage. He is not confirmed BDP, however he had a psychologist who believed he had BPD but we did not pursued a diagnosis at the time. He has also been diagnosed for PTSD, Anxiety and Depression.
Background on My Boyfriend.He is the sweetest, most giving and kind individual I've ever met. He can be so funny, charismatic, positive and helpful, but at his core he's broken, had a very difficult childhood full of child abuse and being adopted has affected him throughout the years. He has had substantial substance abuse issues. When I met him, he was entering drug treatment for percocets, he has had a lengthy criminal record for shoplifting and stealing packages, but he always wanted to better himself. After doing a year in jail last year, he wanted to remove himself from his past elements and so he came to live with me and my family, who absolutely loved him - but after a situation of him stealing a pair of AirPods and cash from my brother (which he will to this day not admit to) he ended up having to move out, and back with his dysfunctional family. This caused a lot of stress on our relationship - from going on a year of living together happily, to essentially not living together and my family not trusting him enough to even sleep over anymore, He felt so rejected by my family, and felt like I didn't try my best in the situation, so he started spiraling. He started using heroin at the time of this situation, and hid it from me until about two weeks ago - he's been on Heroin for about 6 months and I knew he was using but getting him to admit and go into rehab has been a fight. He was so ashamed of himself, that he finally decided to go into outpatient for his addiction, and I thought this would bring the love of my life back - but with detox, and the medications they needed to put him on for a more comfortable detox process, he has become more agitated, distant, emotional and angry.
Days Leading up to His Rage For the last two weeks, during his detox he has been on a daily routine of Ritalin, Gabapentin, Clonidine and Seroquil, and this week he just started Zoloft for his depression.With this mixture of medications, his health has not been well, so he ended up in the hospital last Saturday. I was there every step of the way with his recovery, took time off from work and hurried to his aid. While we were in the hospital his anxiety was getting the best of him, and all of a sudden he begins fighting with me while he's in the hospital bed, over a small issue of me not sleeping over at his family's home. This small issue caused him to call me stupid, say i'm useless and if he ends up in the psych ward it's my fault. I became so distraught i ran out the hospital sobbing. I stayed until he was discharged to make sure he would be able to get home okay. In the street he now is saying he doesn't want to be bothered with me, and I don't love him because if I did, I would sleep over, he then brings up how I wouldn't even marry him so why is he with me. (Although I've always said I would marry him, but he never asked me, but instead begged me to marry him so he could stay in my families home, so to me it wasn't even a proposal.) He brings up that I rejected marriage with him, and I reject spending time with his family every time we fight. This went on for an hour until he eventually became himself again, and apologized, gave me a kiss on the forehead and told me none of that mattered and to not worry. I ended up spending the night and he was fine after that. That was the first fight. The second fight was three nights ago on FaceTime. This fight went on for 4 hours, with me crying hysterically as he tried to break up with me, bringing up that he is still upset that my family kicked him out, and how I wouldn't marry him. etc. I tried so hard to tell him how much I love him and he just spiraled into tears and anger and eventually this also subsided, and he didn't want to break up with me after 4 hours of him fighting with me. He asked me to come over the next day to spend time with him and his (adoptive) mother (who is elderly, and now bed-ridden, so he takes care of her) He said he wanted me to talk things out and let me know what he could do to make things better. So I felt it would be a good day.
The Night of the Rage. The day started off fine, he took me shopping to make me feel better after the night before, and although he didn't have much money, he spent his last on me because he was so apologetic. On the way to his mothers house, he took Ritalin and Zoloft. but on the train kept falling asleep and falling off the bench, and dropping his phone. He was barely cognizant. I suspect he took something else also but I am not sure as I've seen his Heroin high, and this seemed different than that. By the time we got to his house, he was agitated, and very restless, looking in his nieces room for anything he could find to take to possibly get Heroin. He also drank a shot or two of Bacardi right before everything hit the fan. His mother told him to leave his neice's room as she realized what he was doing and as soon as she did they began arguing, and whatever he said to her in Spanish, it broke her heart, she immediately began crying and told him he could leave if he wanted to. He immediately began packing is bags and told me he was moving out of his mothers house and would rather be homeless. I tried to calm him and told him she needed him. This sent him into a tailspin and he began yelling at me and her about the last 26 years of his life how she kept things about his biological family from him, and how she let him be molested and he had no one to turn to - this turned into him crying more than I've ever seen him cry - and he went and took another shot of bacardi. At this point his mother is hysterical, and said in the 26 years she's had him, he's never disrespected her in the way he did this day, and that is when everything took a turn for the worst.
He Attacked Me. 
He told me he wanted it to be over, he wasn't good for me and for us to break up. I didn't say a word to him, all of a sudden he picks up a knife and puts it in his pocket and says he's going to commit suicide and there's nothing we can do to stop him. He goes to walk out the door and I went to try to stop him, pleading with him not to leave. That is when he came back in, and told me to get back and if I didn't get back he would kill himself right infront of us. Me and His mother cowarded in the corner and calmly told him we wouldn't get in the way of him. He then turns to me, and I saw a rage in his eyes I never seen before, he is a completely different person now - He tells me to get out the house, to leave and never come back. He wouldn't let me get my purse, he wouldn't let me take my shoes - he tells me to just leave just like how my family did to him. I know he still has the knife in his pocket so I say okay, I begin to take whatever is closest to me. His mother gives me a look to leave - so I start for the door, now he tells me he's coming with me. I became frightened because I don't know what he means, he says we are going for a walk. After that he begins to belittle me, calling me a B****, and to Shut the f*** up. I've never been so frightened with him. I decide not to leave because I feel like he's setting me up for him to attack me.
Eventually he goes back in the room, and that is when I take off, I leave as soon as I can, running down the street because I don't know if he's going to follow me. I zig-zag the neighborhood so he won't find me. He calls my phone, and on the phone he tells me to come back to the apartment and if I don't he will call my mother and tell her every un-godly thing me and him has done. He tells me he'll leak my photos and videos with him. I still feared going back, but eventually to keep my mother out of it I start walking back towards him, during this phone call he calls me a fifthy B*** who will never amount to anything, I'm trash, I never meant anything to him, I'm a dirty whore who sleeps with everyone (Even though he is my first) He called me every fowl thing in the book and I could not believe the man I've loved and has adored me for the last 3 years, could say these things about me.
When he finds me he corners me and tells me he wants me to go back to the apartment, I resist knowing the train is only a block away. I tried to run from him and he barricaded me with his body. He tells me he is going to kill me tonight, I looked in his eyes and I don't even see my boyfriend - my almost fiancé of 3 years, I've never been so afraid of him in my life. He tells me he feels like cutting my face open. But then a few seconds later says he wants to smack me but he would never put his hands on me. A few minutes after that he grabs my wrist when I try to leave for the train, and says "Your leaving me I know it. If I can't have you, no one can." I see a church service across the street and I tell him lets go to church, please lets go so everything can calm down. He actually agrees, but he wants to go back to the apartment to get his packed bags. I didn't know what to do so I go back with him. When i get inside he corners me and grabs my arm and he acts like he has a knife, but he doesn't to stab himself - and he laughs thinking it's funny that I move out the way thinking his "imaginary" knife is real. He also pretended to call my mother, to tell her all the "horrible" things I did, and he has an imaginary conversation with her, but I figured because I couldn't hear her on the other line that he was bluffing. I then make a break for it, and run back up the stairs to their third floor apartment, where i beg his mother to come open the door - She opens the door and I lock him out. He now has taken my phone, and wallet and says he will break my phone. He tries to get in but can't remember my password, because he accused me of cheating on him and he claims someone took a photo and sent it to him - there is no photo because never once have I cheated on this man. - I tried to explain to him how I've always been loyal, and he didn't believe me. Finally he tells us to open the door, and we did, not knowing what could happen next. He comes in, and he sits down on the floor, takes a peice of paper out and says lets make a contract.
A contract?For breaking up, and what will I take, and what will he take etc. I stare at the paper in disbelief of everything that just happened. He's somewhat calm, and then a few minutes from then he just breaks down crying, and now I see my boyfriend again - his eyes have compassion, guilt, he's hysterical. He tells me to just leave, I don't have to be with him anymore, and that he loves me so much - that he wants me to leave because he's trying to save me, from himself. I don't leave because now I see him again, he goes almost into a fetal position and is so distraught I've never seen him cry like this, and that is when I break down crying - and for the first time in 20-30 minutes, he calmly asks me why am I crying, what did he do to make me cry - and he tries to wipe my tears away but I'm still fearful of him touching me. He looks mortified like he doesn't even know who he is.
After all of this happened, the rest of his family came home, and I told them everything - they saw how distraught I was, and they told me to stay and they fed me. While this happened he vacillated between being sorrowful and teary, and a few quick moments of him trying to make me leave the house again. He then tells me he is so disgusted with himself, so horrified that he wants to kill himself, and he gives me his chain around his neck, and his favorite rings and tells me he won't need them anymore and he wants me to have them to remember him by - because he's ready to end it and he cant stand how he treated me. He of course didn't go through with what he tried to that night - After having one beer - he went out that night around midnight, and I decided to sleep over. He didn't get home until 4 AM with a drug dealer at the door with him who he owed money, and he had also said he was robbed during that time. he was crying again, his pants were around his knees for some reason when he got home, and he was wailing and uncontrollable in his crying. He tells me he "saw people crawling out from underneath cars," and I could see him reaching for things that were not there. He eventually fell asleep like that. I didn't sleep at all that night, thinking of everything that just happened. I couldn't make sense of the man I've loved for 3 years, never laid a hand on me, never ever made me feel unsafe - if anything he's always been my comfort. In this instance, he still didn't lay a hand on me but his threats were so horrendous I couldn't believe this is the man I've spent 3 years with. His eyes were full of so much rage I didn't even see my boyfriend anymore, and that is when I realized something is going on that I don't understand. His sister also said she never seen him like this before, and he seemed like a completely different person. Which is when I decided to research and remembered what the Psychologist had said. I found BPD. I believe what happened was a BDP rage, I may be wrong but I truly believe that is what happened.
He Doesn't Remember.
Yesterday when it was all over, all day he asked me what happened to him, he said he couldn't remember a lot of what happened, he kept saying "What is wrong with me?, What is happening to me?" and bursting into tears of sorrow, and he told me he would never ever hurt me, and he didn't mean the things he said to me. He said he remembered instances of what he did to me, and the entire time he said he could remember thinking he felt like another person, and in his head kept saying "What are you doing?" But he said he felt out of control, and in these moments I believed him. He was full of sorrow and he told me he understood if I left him.He was depressed and the entire day he would ask what happened at certain times because he just couldn't remember. I don't know if anyone else has ever experienced anything like this, I need support and advice. Today makes 3 years with this man, the only man I've ever loved - He said he wants to change, and he never wants to hurt me like this again. I've never ever seen him as an abusive person, we have had our arguments over the smallest things and it never made sense - but he would never lay a hand on me, so for him to attack me like this, has me in shock - I want to know if this is something that the BDP has brought on, or if the substances he is taking, the alcohol - etc. may have brought it on? I've seen him drink before but it never took a turn like this. I apologize for this being so long, I don't know what to do. I love him and I want to support him, but I also want to make sure he wouldn't actually ever hurt me. Out of it all, He did set up a therapy session with his new therapist in out-patient after this situation. I appreciate any and all of your thoughts.
Thank you everyone <3
