Dating 6.5 Months After Breakup with expwBPD—What I've Learned, Seen, and Done

[TheRedLion]

It's been a while since I posted—I've spent a lot of time reading what many here have been going through, and it's been sad but also beautiful to see the way so many on this site validate and support those in need.

I'm now 6.5 months out of my relationship with my expdwBPD, have been seeing a therapist who has a PhD in psychology and specializes in personality disorders (specifically NPD, ASPD, and BPD), and have generally healed from what initially was an insufferable pain tied to abuse and manipulation like many of you here. I've avoided recycling attempts, I've worked hard on self-growth, and I'm proud of the person I've become despite the trauma I went through.

When I first broke up with my ex, I posted asking the question "What does a normal, healthy relationship feel like after a BPD relationship?". I appreciated the answers I received, and while I don't currently have an answer myself, I want to share what I've learned in dating and in therapy in hopes that someone reading here might also benefit from seeing this.

I've been on dating apps for about 3 months now (at the recommendation of my therapist) and have been specifically focused on picking up on and catching red flags. I have a tendency to intellectualize instead of feel my emotions, so in the past (like with my ex), when I was presented with a red flag, I usually just looked for why that red flag was occurring, and when I found a good and satisfactory reason, I felt the red flag wasn't so red anymore.

For the vast majority of my dates since getting back on apps, I didn't feel that "spark" that I felt in my relationship with my ex (note: this was all love-bombing, and that spark was **too strong** and a **red flag** ). Some of the women I've dated have been thoughtful and kind, and some of them have been a bit self-absorbed (not asking question, really only wanting to talk about themselves, etc).

Others have presented serious red flags. One notable one (not BPD red flags, but red flags nonetheless):
   - Showed up 1 hour late
   - Showed up drunk
   - Was quite flirtatious (a lot of arm touching on a first date)
   - Ghosted me for a day and then apologized and admitted to being drunk

Some of these things I would've, in the past, explained away by intellectualizing. For example, being drunk and hour late were for this reason: she just finished her last midterm, so she had a few drinks with her friends before meeting me. She texted me sober after ghosting me and asked if I'd be willing to go on another date with her when she's sober. Old me would have. New me picks up on these red flags, notices that they make me feel uncomfortable, and even though she is smart, funny, and appears to be a considerate person, I am not going to explain red flags away anymore.

The second example I'll bring up is much more related to BPD. I matched with this girl who was very beautiful, academically accomplished, and has a good entry-level job in an academic institution.

After our first conversation, I went to bed thinking that we really clicked and that she made me feel very happy (love bombing). She also said I made her feel "safe" and "comfortable" before even meeting her, just 2 days into matching (love bombing).

Here's a list of other red flags I picked up on prior to, and during, the date:

• She would text me too often for someone she just met. Her response time, even when she was working, was 2 minutes, all times throughout the day. I'm all for quick responses, but this felt like I was suddenly the #1 priority even though we hadn't even met yet.
• She was looking for a short-term relationship but also made a list dates we should do (which feels very non-short-term).
• Prior to meeting me, she told me that her ex was abusive. Again, good that she's able to express her experienced abuse, but that's very, very personal information to tell someone you haven't even met yet.
• Turns out she and her ex broke up less than 2 weeks ago. They were together for more than 5 years.
• She was sick all week but kept texting me that she was "trying to get in rest" to get over her sickness specifically "to meet me". Again, totally valid, but she's never met me—I'm just some dude from a dating app. Be sick. I can meet you in a couple days.
• She asked if "I liked massages" and if I "liked cuddling" but also made a point of asking me to confirm to her that I wasn't just interested in sex.

After noting all of these, my BPDdar was ringing louder than it has in months. Apparently she has anxiety and ADHD, but doesn't BPD. Regardless, I went to my therapist (who said I did a good job picking up on red flags, though these seemed like "low-hanging fruit") and told her that I felt uncomfortable and overwhelmed being this woman's "#1 priority" before even meeting her. My therapist said that this was a great example of love bombing. I, like many of us here, would have eaten up and savored the love-bombing before. But now, I can see what's happening and not fall for the manipulative tricks.

I'm not seeing either of these two women again. But I definitely feel like I've been growing. I've seen many posts on this site by people who appear to be intellectualizing as well. It's a defense mechanism that puts your intellect ahead of your emotions, and DMRS-based hierarchies of defense mechanisms put intellectualization in the middling adaptive defenses—while I'm used to doing it, I definitely need to actively do better on feeling my emotions and being aware of them, rather than hiding behind intellect.

Anyways, feel free to ask questions—I may respond , but I'm proud of the work I've started to do and I definitely recommend others after getting out of BPD relationships to start being more aware of red flags and their own defense mechanisms that allowed them to fall for the love bombing. I also appreciate all of you, and for those who have been suffering through a breakup, let me be evidence that there's eventually  light in the tunnel (and hopefully there'll be so much more at the end of it).

[SaltyDawg]

TheRedLion,

   Thanks for coming back and taking time to share an update.

   I am still with my uBPDw, she is partially self-aware, and is working on her issues with two different therapists (couples and individual) - there has been progress (majority), and there also has been setbacks (minority).

   When you originally posted here I was on radio silence (by ultimatum from my wife and our couple's therapist), but I did read your story at the time.  Your posts were and are influential for ones who could not post back at the time.

   I would like to share, even though I am still married with a wedding band on my finger, pwBPD do still hit on me, and I now have CRAYDAR (CRAzY raDAR) that my individual therapist helped me with, and should have no reason to hit on me as I am a dozen years older than they are, and they are a slender athletic in build (I'm built like an old school wrestler (pre-roid) / linebacker - in essence fat but fit - think ) in my mid 50's, they look like they are in their late 20's but tell me they are in their 40's.  One even hit on me in front of my wife at my son's very first football practice, that I had never met before, that was very awkward.  pwBPD, if they sense you are someone that is very caring, they will not respect boundaries and seek you out - be on the lookout for those types, as I have had experience with.  Simply put, "I Attract Crazy".

The biggest thing in common with most of these women is that they have a tendency to overshare, which you have commented on (with one telling you how she was abused and left a relationship of 5 years less than two weeks prior to meeting you).  I find it quite odd that all but one, was 10-15 years younger than me or even more, and most are very fit and slender, but hitting on someone, me, whom I do not think as someone who is anywhere near physically attractive to attract those kinds of women.  While it does boost my self-esteem, it also freaks me out how these physically attractive perfect strangers can do that.

Another thing that I will add, If I had followed my gut feeling, on each of my previous BPD relationships, I would not be in the place that I am now - like you I excused bad behaviors, as I so much wanted to believe in the fantasy (love bombing) that was in front of me at the time.  With my wife, whom I am currently with, she definitely felt 'too good to be true' - my gut was telling me this, so I did all kinds of things to verify my gut feeling  before marrying her.

If your 'gut' is telling you something is off, keep your eyes open for flags.

It sounds like you are in a much better place now.  Keep coming back and share updates.  Thank you.

It sounds like you are doing a lot of self-care, please be sure to continue to do that, whatever that looks like for you, as I was not when I hit my bottom in May/June of 2022 with my wife.

Take care, and keep coming back.

SD

[TheRedLion]

Hi SaltyDawg—thanks for the kind words! It's nice to hear you remembered my name and the bits of my story I shared way back when. I've gained so much just from reading others' posts, and I definitely hope people can gain something from my experiences too.

I'm really glad to hear you and your uBPDw are going to therapy and seeing progress. And I'm sorry to hear about the setbacks, and the ultimatum of radio silence—I was also told not to use my support system by my dBPDexgf (wow that's a lot of letters) which felt incredibly isolating and unfair. This website, along with my family and friends who I did eventually tell about the abuse, has been incredibly important to my ability to grow and thrive both in the relationship and afterwards.

I've wondered about the "I Attract Crazy" idea myself. I am a very stable, even-keeled person, and I think that stability attracts those who are unstable. I am someone who likes to have my life in order, and I think that attracts people who don't have their lives in order. I've waited 6.5 months before even entertaining physical contact with another romantic partner, and I think that attracts people who have waited less than 2 weeks to be physical. The good news for me is, now I know what to look for and what to avoid.

That's really intriguing that the people who affect your CRAYDAR (much better and more inclusive of a term than BPDdar) are typically 10-15 years younger than you. I definitely have mainly experienced BPD partners primarily in their 20s. I wonder if there's a reason for that—I'm sure they exist and still exhibit BPD traits later?

In terms of the gut feeling, I completely agree. I've read so many times on this site that people had a bad gut feeling initially, but went along anyways. That's honestly the first manipulation of the relationship—it's one that we do to ourselves. We know something bad might happen, but we gaslight ourselves into thinking our gut feeling is wrong. I don't mean to generalize, but that's definitely what I did, and it sounds like that's possibly what you, and many others have done too. I hope all continues to be well for you, and thanks again for your kind words!

[SaltyDawg]

TRL,

Thank you for responding.

I'm really glad to hear you and your uBPDw are going to therapy and seeing progress. And I'm sorry to hear about the setbacks, and the ultimatum of radio silence—I was also told not to use my support system by my dBPDexgf (wow that's a lot of letters) which felt incredibly isolating and unfair. This website, along with my family and friends who I did eventually tell about the abuse, has been incredibly important to my ability to grow and thrive both in the relationship and afterwards.

Yes, there has been progress, but there has also been setbacks too - there was a major one about a week ago, that I will be addressing in couple's therapy later on today.  I plan on asking my wife to tell her side of the story, and I will fill in the gaps of omission and correct any false narratives to give a better picture of a full borderline lapse that included projected violence (throwing a shovel in anger, in the vicinity of our daughter), full blown rages and split my daughter completely black.  Hopefully some good will come of this, perhaps more self-realization so my wife can get the therapeutic help that she so desperately needs.


I've wondered about the "I Attract Crazy" idea myself. I am a very stable, even-keeled person, and I think that stability attracts those who are unstable. I am someone who likes to have my life in order, and I think that attracts people who don't have their lives in order. I've waited 6.5 months before even entertaining physical contact with another romantic partner, and I think that attracts people who have waited less than 2 weeks to be physical. The good news for me is, now I know what to look for and what to avoid.

I too consider myself to be very stable and even-keeled - pwBPD like this and people who seem to be confident in themselves.  I am glad you now know what to look for and avoid.


That's really intriguing that the people who affect your CRAYDAR (much better and more inclusive of a term than BPDdar) are typically 10-15 years younger than you. I definitely have mainly experienced BPD partners primarily in their 20s. I wonder if there's a reason for that—I'm sure they exist and still exhibit BPD traits later?

pwBPD according to the DSM 5 will have "symptoms [that] must have begun by early adulthood but can occur during adolescence".  This will generally have a "U" shaped curve, as they learn how to manage their symptoms ( with therapy or 'natural consequences' of their actions, so with age, they can mask the higher functioning ones can mask their symptoms better ) they will learn how to conceal their symptoms better, generally speaking from what I have read, the bottom of the 'U' is reached at around the age of 30, only for it to start an upward incline in the 50/60's when a cognitive decline naturally occurs.

In terms of the gut feeling, I completely agree. I've read so many times on this site that people had a bad gut feeling initially, but went along anyways. That's honestly the first manipulation of the relationship—it's one that we do to ourselves. We know something bad might happen, but we gaslight ourselves into thinking our gut feeling is wrong. I don't mean to generalize, but that's definitely what I did, and it sounds like that's possibly what you, and many others have done too. I hope all continues to be well for you, and thanks again for your kind words!

I agree with the gaslighting ourselves statement, even though it is not intentional, it is more wishful thinking and the hope that she is real as it seems so real, when in fact she is not.  If it seems to good to be true, it probably is.

Take care with self-care.  Keep coming back, and share, as I do learn from you and others too.

SD