Parent of 22 yr old daughter

[kitkat7]

We are the parents of a 22 yr old daughter who is also a single Mom of two beautiful boys - she can be enthusiastic, dynamic, outgoing, ambitious or she can be mean, rude and impulisve - we have 5 children altogether and life has always been a challenge to balance the needs of each, rather than allowing her to run the show - she has also been diagnosed with an illness called Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome - although she made it through college, she has been unable to keep employed due to this unpredictable, violent illness - she has recently cut off all communication and contact between us due to a misunderstanding - but her boys have almost been raised with us - they consider our other children their older siblings and are very attached to us - we are the stability they do not have with her - although it is a break from the contant living 'on call', waiting for the next crisis or emergency, it is difficult to be cut off cold turkey from the boys! I look forward to being alble to connect with others who may undersatnd the challenges and emaotional rollercoaster that goes along with this illness!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Hello kitkat7

I am sorry to hear what has happened.

I first came to this site just after Christmas when a horrible family argument happened and my daughter with BPD said I would not see my grandchildren again. (long story-argument basically of her own making).

I received a lot of support and advice on the board for parents of children with BPD.

I also read "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr which has an excellent chapter on mending relationships.

Without my friends on here I know I would have made errors in the way I approached my daughter and would still have no contact with the GCn.

I am seeing them occasionally now and I am hoping to build on this. The relationship with my daughter is still difficult.

I hope you will join us on the parent's board. I am sure you would find it helpful.

I know the worry and upset of this and there are others on the parents board with similar experiences

[DreamFlyer99]

Hi kitkat7! i'd like to add my welcome to Lever's. 

While I don't have a child suffering from BPD, I can understand a bit of what you must have gone through keeping that balance between all your children just from my reading here in the bpdfamily community. But what a great thing for you to have been aware of as parents! That's quite a job. And now to not be able to see your grandsons, that would be terrible--I have 6 grandchildren and that would be such a trial.

This is a great community though for support and learning since we have so much great information to help with learning everything from more effective communication with someone with BPD to better self-care, something that often gets left behind when dealing with these often difficult relationships. And the Parenting board Lever mentioned can be found here: Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board. There you'll find other members who have dealt with these same issues and senior members with a lot of experience and knowledge, also tools and lessons in the right hand sidebar.

Feel free to jump into a conversation there and start your own topic for other members to weigh in on. It's a friendly and helpful place to be, and i'm glad you found us!

dreamflyer99

[kitkat7]

Since first joining this group, I/we have benefited greatly from it!... .My 22 yr old single Mom daughter was married recently to an amazing man who has been willing to read and learn about BPD... .Just yesterday we were able to openly discuss how wonderful it would have been to understand BPD when my daughter was younger... .but at the same time, it is NEVER too late to grow and change... .Thx for the support and information!

[suchsadness]

Hello Kitkat7

I just read your post and want to say "Welcome", and let you know that you are not alone.  I have a very similar situation where I have been cut off from my 2 gradnsons in the past and I know the pain you are dealing with.  My BPD dd36 has gone no contact with me two times over the past couple of years.  She can become so dysregulated, raging at everyone and taking no responsibility for where she is in life. When you said  "daughter who is also a single Mom of two beautiful boys - she can be enthusiastic, dynamic, outgoing, ambitious or she can be mean, rude and impulisve" (I forget how to insert the quote), this hit home in a big way for me. 

We are currently in contact because we are trying to do what we can to help her keep her boys.  Her ex husband took her to court last week to take away custody because she is homeless and without work.  We helped her to get her nursing assistant certificate and are encouraging her to find work - we offered to buy a condo and provide a lease (the requirements of the court) if she gets employed.  I recognize that she comes to us after going no contact when she needs us/help.  The no contact thing is a very hard situation to deal with but I am much more comfortable when it has happened after that first time because it is most likely not permanent.  Her boys love us and want to see us, but we are about 2,000 miles away from them in another state.  We have seen them at least 1-2 times yearly for over 10 years.  We were not allowed to see them last year because she was no contact with us, but did see them this summer.  I can only say to hang in there and let your daughter know, if you have an opportunity, that you will be there when she is ready to reconnect.  This was advice I was given from people on this board. I told her that... .and here we are connected again.  I'm not delusional about our relationship and recognize that a big part of why we are reconnected is that she needs help - but I guess we all need to know what we are comfortable with doing/giving and set our own boundaries accordingly. 

Hang in there Kitkat7 - and don't forget to take care of yourself and enjoy the other people in your life who are there for you.     

[lever.]

kitkat 7

I have just read your up-date and it sounds as if things are really looking up for you. It is always nice for someone to come back with good news and to let us know that the advice on the site has been helpful. It gives us hope. Its good to hear that you were able to have a really open conversation with your daughter.

I hope things continue to improve for her.

So glad you are back in contact and that it is positive.

[kellygirl601]

Hello-

I'm the parent of a 21 year old daughter with BPD+ . It has been a struggle forever. If you would like to talk, just let me know.