Disorder as excuse?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

What do you do when your soBPD uses his/her disorder as an excuse for mistreating you?

My husband is begging me to not exit the marriage; but that's just part of the reruns of our lives. It's just walking though the motions.  Cut and paste.  We don't have a relationship; it's a joke.  I find him getting the best of me regardless of how removed I am from him.  Physically it's 600 miles right now.  With finances I can't NOT talk to him and I'm ALWAYS afraid if I don't maintain some communication he is going to run to nearest bar and find his next "toy".  Fear factor for me is I truly believe he is capable of never contacting me again.  With kids and bills... .I honestly could see him just disappearing.  

He is so abusive to me it's too detailed to list but it's HELL.  When he does get in the door with me to talk about our relationship we go over and over the same old things.  What he does and how empty and depressed I am.  He sobs and gets very intense on how much he loves me.  Then as always he sets me up to pull rug out from under me.  He just disappears.  His behavior is almost testing me.  I don't always let it get to me the way it did last night but it cut me open pretty badly.  I was hysterical.  He always says things that are so shallow in context and stays far away from getting deep into why I'm upset; naturally.  I CANNOT live like this anymore.  I need boundaries but NOTHING scares him.  He can maintain no matter what.  

Anyway last night he again used the excuse "I have a personality disorder".  This was in response to some really nasty abusive behavior on his part.  My biggest issue is if I'm flat on my face depressed and begging for mercy; he's silent.  (I know I'm doing all of this wrong, but I'm human)  He told me last night that he is aware he is cold and he knows he is treating me badly and can't stop himself.  I'm unraveling.  There is nothing to hang my hat on that he gives a damn.  I've invested too much to not try and work things out on one hand.  

Every time we have a fight he always acts like it's the first time we are discussing the problem.  The patterns have been relentless for almost a decade.  He's invested nothing of himself so it makes sense in that regard.  

I really feel like the "I have a personality disorder" is the perfect get out of jail free card.  No accountability or change in behavior or TRYING to change that behavior.  HOW DO YOU DO THIS?  I feel like I'm a doormat and he is testing me further an further to see how much I will take and how much he can get away with.

I've been deprived of intimacy for YEARS.  He's fine.  That didn't add up.  Found out he has insane porn addiction.  WHAT'S NEXT?  He doesn't need me for anything but to know I'm here.  As years have gone by we've had less and less communication and when we are together he sabotages it so he can get away from me.  My mind is melting with the "I love you dammit!" or "I will who you!" or "I can't lose you"  or "I can't do this to you anymore!"  All of those things he says like it's first time.  I've heard them THOUSANDS of times.  It's like he's been keeping me on a hook and trying to keep me at bay so he can move to something else.  It's so robotic.  If I express a deep hurt I get "I know I've been disrespectful"... .he always makes blanket statements like and sweeps everything under rug and if I push... ."I have a personality disorder"... .What the heck!  

I swear to God everyone... .I just want to remain sane.  Yes it hurts, but now it's just anger that he thinks he can do whatever he wants on my watch.  Absolutely NOTHING I do affects him.  What am I going to do?  Threaten I won't talk to him?  He doesn't give a damn!  He's not afraid of me going anywhere.  I think he married me for that reason.

Can I tell him that he can't use his disorder as excuse?  I feel like the closer he gets to accountability the faster he's racing in his mind to run.  He ignored me for three months off an on when I was in poor health.  I would call him crying leaving messages to find out he wasn't even listening to them and he KNEW I was in bad shape.  When I comforted him after why he was pushing me away he said "you weren't letting me get away with anything".  SERIOUSLY?

Losing it... .S.O.S.

M2M

[Married2monster]

What do you do when your soBPD uses his/her disorder as an excuse for mistreating you?

My husband is begging me to not exit the marriage; but that's just part of the reruns of our lives. It's just walking though the motions.  Cut and paste.  We don't have a relationship; it's a joke.  I find him getting the best of me regardless of how removed I am from him.  Physically it's 600 miles right now.  With finances I can't NOT talk to him and I'm ALWAYS afraid if I don't maintain some communication he is going to run to nearest bar and find his next "toy".  Fear factor for me is I truly believe he is capable of never contacting me again.  With kids and bills... .I honestly could see him just disappearing.  

He is so abusive to me it's too detailed to list but it's HELL.  When he does get in the door with me to talk about our relationship we go over and over the same old things.  What he does and how empty and depressed I am.  He sobs and gets very intense on how much he loves me.  Then as always he sets me up to pull rug out from under me.  He just disappears.  His behavior is almost testing me.  I don't always let it get to me the way it did last night but it cut me open pretty badly.  I was hysterical.  He always says things that are so shallow in context and stays far away from getting deep into why I'm upset; naturally.  I CANNOT live like this anymore.  I need boundaries but NOTHING scares him.  He can maintain no matter what.  

Anyway last night he again used the excuse "I have a personality disorder".  This was in response to some really nasty abusive behavior on his part.  My biggest issue is if I'm flat on my face depressed and begging for mercy; he's silent.  (I know I'm doing all of this wrong, but I'm human)  He told me last night that he is aware he is cold and he knows he is treating me badly and can't stop himself.  I'm unraveling.  There is nothing to hang my hat on that he gives a damn.  I've invested too much to not try and work things out on one hand.  

Every time we have a fight he always acts like it's the first time we are discussing the problem.  The patterns have been relentless for almost a decade.  He's invested nothing of himself so it makes sense in that regard.  

I really feel like the "I have a personality disorder" is the perfect get out of jail free card.  No accountability or change in behavior or TRYING to change that behavior.  HOW DO YOU DO THIS?  I feel like I'm a doormat and he is testing me further an further to see how much I will take and how much he can get away with.

I've been deprived of intimacy for YEARS.  He's fine.  That didn't add up.  Found out he has insane porn addiction.  WHAT'S NEXT?  He doesn't need me for anything but to know I'm here.  As years have gone by we've had less and less communication and when we are together he sabotages it so he can get away from me.  My mind is melting with the "I love you dammit!" or "I will who you!" or "I can't lose you"  or "I can't do this to you anymore!"  All of those things he says like it's first time.  I've heard them THOUSANDS of times.  It's like he's been keeping me on a hook and trying to keep me at bay so he can move to something else.  It's so robotic.  If I express a deep hurt I get "I know I've been disrespectful"... .he always makes blanket statements like and sweeps everything under rug and if I push... ."I have a personality disorder"... .What the heck!  

I swear to God everyone... .I just want to remain sane.  Yes it hurts, but now it's just anger that he thinks he can do whatever he wants on my watch.  Absolutely NOTHING I do affects him.  What am I going to do?  Threaten I won't talk to him?  He doesn't give a damn!  He's not afraid of me going anywhere.  I think he married me for that reason.

Can I tell him that he can't use his disorder as excuse?  I feel like the closer he gets to accountability the faster he's racing in his mind to run.  He ignored me for three months off an on when I was in poor health.  I would call him crying leaving messages to find out he wasn't even listening to them and he KNEW I was in bad shape.  When I comforted him after why he was pushing me away he said "you weren't letting me get away with anything".  SERIOUSLY?

Losing it... .S.O.S.

M2M

[Mutt]

It's frustrating, painful, and confusing when things are bad in a marriage. I can relate.

I'm sorry to hear that .

I suggest not telling him to not use his PD as an excuse. I'm sorry I don't know the back story. How does he know? If you tell him he'll use this to push your buttons.

So he knows he has a serious PD. What about T for BPD? What's his response?