>Wife with uBPD left with kids (4) for another man

[Mutt]

Where to start? My wife has uBPD. I was married to her for 4 years and together for 7. She has a child from a previous relationship and I have 3 children. I knew there was something not right with her, but I had always thought that we may turn a corner in our relationship wtih fighting or that she may see reason some day. But it was not after she had left me that a family member had told me that she is BPD. It was my biological mother and I had only met her a few years ago and she said she did not know me well enough, and did not want to get in the middle of our relationship. I have since researched a lot on the internet and got 3 library books on the subject and it describes my life with my uBPD wife. Projecting, blaming everyone but herself, circular arguments that led to knowwhere, feeling like you are talking to two people at the same time, explosive anger outbursts, feeling like you are talking or trying to reason with a child, the list goes on and on.

She split me black last year and was having an affair with another man. She told me in Oct that she was "moving on" and was going to tell of her friends that she is leaving me. I had begged her to stay for the holidays and the kids birthdays in early January and then she can leave. I had seen hints of an emotional affair but I had always trusted her before and did not think that she was going to leave anyway. Where are uou going to go with 4 kids and I'm the sole provider, but she managed to leave.

The day after my birthday in January is when she to look for a new place pack etc... . That's when I saw the physical affair end of things, not coming home for 2 nights. She left me to watch the kids when I had gotten home from work, would get home really late. On weekends she would be around for maybe an hour of the day and be gone. She had made up her mind and wanted a divorce and she had projected unto me and blamed me for so many years that I was the source of the issue and that final year I felt like maybe there was something wrong with me. I did not want to cause conflict with the kids so I let her leave without causing much of a fuss and always in the back of my mind I thought that it won't work out and that she will come back. Two and a half weeks after she moved out she "introduced" her boyfriend to the kids and I couldn't believe it. The trauma she was causing to my kids by introducing her boyfriend (one of many more to come) She had started her smear campaign by telling all of her family and friends that I was physically, emotionally and financially abuse. The only abuse came from her with her angry tirades, put downs, critisicm and child-like manner when she was fighting.

She was scared that I would abandon her because she saw that I took a lot from her and that I was always commited to the marriage and relationship. She had made the first move in leaving me, thinking that I would leave her at some point and jumped directly into another relationship so that she does not have to deal with emotional pain of the last relationship with me. She has cut me off of Facebook and refuses to communicate about anything other than the kids and the only way I can communicate with her is by e-mail. Out of sight and out of mind and she does not have to deal with any of the emotional wreckage that she has left me. It is beyond painful to have a LTR with a person for this long, all of the abuse that I had put up with over the years to try to keep the family together and you ended up getting treated like it was all of your fault. It's intoreable that her BF is always around when I pick up and drop off the kids. Tomorrow there is Family Day Event at the school and she had invited me and only on the condition that I was civil to her. She's in her honeymoon phase of the relationship now, but he will suffer the same pain that I did from my uBPD wife, so he's going to be in for a world of hurt. I just cannot believe how a BPD is absolutely horrible in an relationship, turn everything on you, literally drive you crazy and end a relationship with "no contact" on her part.

That's my rant, TLDR. I could go on and on about BPD stories but I will end here for now.

[mamachelle]

Hi Mutt,



I am sorry to hear about all this going on. wow! I can believe it though. I am a Non married to a Non. Both of us with BPD exes. Together we are raising 6 kids, yours, mine and ours age 2-16. My H's exW left him with 3 young kids and since we've been married 6 years ago she has moved clear across the country and we are now raising his 3 sons full time. This disorder makes parenting and co-parenting very difficult to say the least.

What is the current status of your marriage and custody and visitation of the kids?

How old are the kids (Sons or Daughters)?

Are you in therapy or getting support from friends and family?

Did she file any charges against you for DV?

Let us know a little more so we can direct you to the right resources here.

Yours,

mamachelle

[Mutt]

Hi Mutt,



I am sorry to hear about all this going on. wow! I can believe it though. I am a Non married to a Non. Both of us with BPD exes. Together we are raising 6 kids, yours, mine and ours age 2-16. My H's exW left him with 3 young kids and since we've been married 6 years ago she has moved clear across the country and we are now raising his 3 sons full time. This disorder makes parenting and co-parenting very difficult to say the least.

What is the current status of your marriage and custody and visitation of the kids?

How old are the kids (Sons or Daughters)?

Are you in therapy or getting support from friends and family?

Did she file any charges against you for DV?

Let us know a little more so we can direct you to the right resources here.

Yours,

mamachelle

-I'm in Canada. She lives in a separate home with the kids and has a boyfriend. We are legally separated because it has been passed 90 days. The marriage is dead. She is focused on her boyfriend and in her honeymoon phase and I'm guessing it's all or nothing with him, first person (that I know of) she latched unto. I've been split black and I'm non-existent. I get to see my kids every second weekend. I called Family Justice Services and got in touch with a mediator. Everywhere I read about BPD is that the legal system is behind in how to manage them. I told her my story and said I believe she is a uBPD and the wonderful woman knew more than me. I was elated to connect to someone that understood. June 28th our appointment starts on access and custody. One thing I am going to demand is Parallel Parenting instead of co+parenting.  After that's figured out, I'm filing for divorce under adultery for my own closure from our marriage.

- I have a 2 year old son, 5 year old son and 8 year old daughter. She has a daughter from a previous relationship and she's 14.

- I am going through counseling but I did mention uBPD and he said let's not diagnose and helped me more with the kids end of it. I have a tremendous amount from my biological mother and some help from friends. 1 friend in particular has had a LTR with a bi-polar woman and I tend to lean on him a little more than other friends. I plan to continue with councelling but specifically on uBPD, the effects it had on me, the kids, the potential traits I may have picked up and the kids may pick up.

- No DV charges filed before she left, but yes she did about 3 years ago. It got thrown out of court. Brutal period in my laugh. Living with my wife while she's charging me for DV and I'm getting advice from my lawyer to not talk to her about it, when she was trying to get me to admit that I was guilty in court. I thought that was a rough year, but it's much worse now with the continual beat downs (flaunting new guy, him being there when I pick up and drop off my kids, inviting me to a school function with him there and telling me that I can go if I don't 'act out' after she had  left her emotional land-mine behind.

[mamachelle]

Hi Mutt,

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. I am glad your lawyer is familiar with BPD. Our legal board is very good too... .

You will find a great deal of help with navigating the legal channels of separation, divorce, custody with the resources we have available to you on  [L3] Family law, divorce and custody. You will find articles and workshops about dealing with the various aspects of separation and divorce. Our senior members at that board have lived through the issues of separation, divorce, and custody. They will help you to figure out what works and what may not work. They know the problems and the pitfalls; they offer a wealth of experience in protecting yourself and your children as you go through this difficult, painful process.

Also, you will find a lot of support on our relationship boards. Read through them all... . post where you like ... . but given the state of things it sounds like Leaving Board is the place for you.

We are here for you! Take a look at these links for help going forward.

Things to cover in a parenting plan

Shared Parenting 

What does it mean to take care of yourself?


Looking forward to seeing you out on our main boards.

Yours,

mamachelle

[Mutt]

Hi Mutt,

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. I am glad your lawyer is familiar with BPD. Our legal board is very good too... .

You will find a great deal of help with navigating the legal channels of separation, divorce, custody with the resources we have available to you on  [L3] Family law, divorce and custody. You will find articles and workshops about dealing with the various aspects of separation and divorce. Our senior members at that board have lived through the issues of separation, divorce, and custody. They will help you to figure out what works and what may not work. They know the problems and the pitfalls; they offer a wealth of experience in protecting yourself and your children as you go through this difficult, painful process.

Also, you will find a lot of support on our relationship boards. Read through them all... . post where you like ... . but given the state of things it sounds like Leaving Board is the place for you.

We are here for you! Take a look at these links for help going forward.

Things to cover in a parenting plan

Shared Parenting 

What does it mean to take care of yourself?


Looking forward to seeing you out on our main boards.

Yours,

mamachelle

Thank you so much for the confirmation and information. I do have everything ready for mediation but I did notice there is some good information on the links that I'll add. Thank you for the warm welcome.

[mamachelle]

Mutt,

Glad you are getting some benefit from the links. They helped me through and still do. This is a long process and it doesn't end with mediation, that is just one step. Once the agreements are in place there is usually a lot of push and pull.

We are here for you so feel free to jump on out to the Main Boards.

 mamachelle

[Antflea]

Hello all, I am in a situation of self doubt. I was married to my wife for 8 years and then she had an affair and completely changed. We have 3 kids and I have a step son. I fought for custody and got 50/50. She hated me and neglected the kids. She was with him for three years then came to me and said she made a huge mistake and he was abusing her. We got back together and all she did was bad mouth me behind my back and flirted and sexted on the Internet, paid no attention to the kids. The last straw came when she was recieving porn videos from the man she got rid of, sexting with an ex boyfriend, sexting with a stranger who was 30 years older and having another affair all in a month. I withdrew and stopped paying attention to her and she left. I am a stay at home dad, she works and I have the kids most of the time. I'm pretty sure my 5 year old was exposed to the porn. I have her personal journal talking about addiction to men, her inability to tell the truth etc. she has 10000 texts on her phone in three months. Lots more , I'm accused of dv, but she actually has hot me. I'm thinking of going for sole custody but I'm very scared. Help!  Sad thing I still miss her.

[ForeverDad]

 

It looks like you have evaluated your situation fairly well and know which path to take.  It's sad that it has to be this way but it is what it is.  If she is unwilling to seek counseling or therapy then you have to make your decisions based on that refusal.

We encourage you to be as involved in parenting as you can be.  Alternate weekends is the typical minimum, nothing wrong with that - when the children have two reasonably normal parents.  But if a parent is disordered with BPD or a similar acting out PD, then the kids, if possible, need more than minimal contact with the reasonably normal parent.  So I encourage you to seek as much parenting time and responsibility as you can.  Now, from the very start, let it be known to the professionals (investigators, evaluators, your lawyer, family court) that you want as much involvement in parenting as possible, it will be much harder to get more later.  That raises the question, how attached to or possessive of the kids is she?  (If she is willing to wander off and have less involvement with the children, then let her go.  It will be easier all around for her to have less impact on the children.)

Understand that few if any of the professionals will try to get her to change.  Most deal with people as they are.  So you have to do likewise.  Don't expect her to improve, deal with what IS.  If she is not seen as abusive - and few are since most of their poor adult behaviors are either directed at the spouse and mostly ignored or the poor parenting behaviors are not seen as rising to the level of being 'actionable' - then you need to strategize well to get and keep every advantage in parenting that you can.

If you need ideas and suggestions regarding separation and divorce, we have a Family Law, Divorce & Custody board that can really help you navigate the chaos, delays and obstructions in the months to come.  You have to be as prepared and firm as you can be in order to stand up to the intense emotional barrage you'll face from her in mediation and divorce.  For example, the mediator will likely look to find a way get a deal between you two, getting the best results for the children may get lost in the shuffle.  You're the only one you can count on to speak up for the children.  So whenever there are issues she won't budge on, let the mediator know that you feel differently and state that your position is what's best for the children.  Hopefully your mediator will be experienced enough to try to work with you despite your spouse's obstructions, distortions and baseless but hugely emotional claims.

[Mutt]

Thanks ForeverDad.

I have mentioned BPD to her once since she separated but she ignored it. A few years back she mentioned said that I was "projecting myself on her" during one of many many circular arguments and I had no idea what it meant. I know she had gone to the doctor or counselors many times for depression and anxiety, they may of mentioned BPD/Bi-polar/PD but it's neither here nor there at this point. Her refusal/denial is clear.

It breaks my heart that I cannot "seek help" for my wife. She simply blames me for everything and is not accountable for any of her actions. The way that she left shows me that she has no compassion or empathy. From October to now the only thing she has ever said is simply "I'm done" and I get out-of-sight out-of-mind from her. A 7 year long relationship and it ends like this?

It's all about what she wants. I have to look out for me and I have to look out for my kids. I cannot go back to a relationship like that. It was an excruciatingly hard 7 years with that woman and I do not have the emotional stamina to go through all of that again. I loved her simply with knowing that there as something wrong at the time, but not knowing what. Now I know that it's all about her and it never was about 50/50 when we where together and she see's me as black. I have accepted the fact that I cannot change her, she does not see what she does. She's simply in her own reality and there is nothing I can do until she hits rock bottom, or at least that is my understanding.

The first thing I asked the family mediator is "have you heard about BPD?" She said yes, and I get them in the office all the time. She knows more than I do with the conversation that I had with her. I was over the moon to say the least that I have someone that can see the tactics or isn't going to get sucked into her BPD tactics.

At the moment from what I can tell with the kids she is detached from them. She is spending all of her free time with her new man and she's put herself in the front of them. Every second weekend was what she initially gave to me and she said "I'm reasonable and if your good then you'll get to see them more" Well technically we are still married so on that alone from my understanding is that I should still get them for 50% of the time. You have a lot of valid points ForeverDad and I will take your advice on having investigators, professionals, evaluators, etc... . to know my intentions is to be as involved as possible with the kids. I did manage to get my wife to have the kids stay overnight from Wednesday to Sundays every alternating week just last week. I was told by friends that she is not concentrating on anything on anyone but her boyfriend and now is the best time to ask. I had them every Friday evening to Sunday evening previous to that for a couple of months.

[GoneForGood81]

Hey Mutt
Sorry that this BS happened to you. Thanks for replying to my message earlier on.
I can really relate to some extent but I thank god that I have not married this girl. We were talking about having kids but luckily it did not happen.
Your story is heartbreaking man. How could she not only leave you but also the kids behind so easily? I think youre right about that they are essentially little kids in adult bodies. Youre actually not dealing with an adult but with a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum. One difference is that they are able of manupulating you and to gaslight you to a point, where you seriously question your own sanity.
I hope youre getting better and stronger each day. All the best to you and keep on healing!