How do I make my BPDbf realize he's losing me?

[Isa_lala]

I think he knows that he is about to lose me, but his problematic behaviours don't and won't stop.

How can I make it clear that if nothing changes he will loose me, without risking a huge crisis that I don't know if I will be able to deal with?

[SlyQQ]

Basically impossible if it has got this far there are already probably hundreds of alarm bells ringing in your partners head

[Tim300]

This is the ultimate mindfunk.  On the one hand, you need to tell him you'll leave if the behavior doesn't stop.  Yet, on the other hand, if you hint at leaving this might trigger him to escalate the worst behavior you can imagine.  To add to this puzzle, if you decide to just accept his behavior, he might say "What is wrong with you for accepting this behavior!"  As an additional problem, if you tell him what the boundaries are you are giving him a playbook on how to destroy you.

Accordingly, I do not know what to tell you.  I guess I would think about it in terms of what you really want to happen.  Maybe tell him what you want to happen and just be prepared for the outcome.  

[JohnLove]

This is the ultimate mindfunk.  On the one hand, you need to tell him you'll leave if the behavior doesn't stop.  Yet, on the other hand, if you hint at leaving this might trigger him to escalate the worst behavior you can imagine.  To add to this puzzle, if you decide to just accept his behavior, he might say "What is wrong with you for accepting this behavior!"  As an additional problem, if you tell him what the boundaries are you are giving him a playbook on how to destroy you.  

Thanks Tim. I found this very insightful... .and validating.

[EaglesJuju]

I am sorry that you are going through this.    I understand how frustrating it can be. 

It is really hard for a disordered person to stop maladaptive behaviors that they have been prominently displaying for the majority of their life.  Is your SO in therapy or working on the behavior?

Have you tried discussing your concerns to your SO?  I found that being direct and clear with my pwBPD makes a difference.  I have addressed concerns with my pwBPD's frustrating and maladaptive behavior by using communication tools, such as SET. Communication tools make a potentially difficult conversation more tolerable.  While communicating your concerns, be cognizant that ultimatums tend to not work very well. 

[Isa_lala]

You are so right everyone.

Today, I told him that something had to be done very quickly and he says that he didn't want an ultimatum. I then told him that the ultimatum was for me because I knew that I was going to get depressed, I know my limits.

I am meeting with a therapist next week who works only with BPD and bi polarity so I will see if he can help me putting the right word on what I want to tell my bf.

Cross my fingers that it will help me in some ways

[Tim300]

Good luck.  Please keep us posted on the sequence of events. 

[Isa_lala]

Rapidly here are some news.

I started the discussion about what we should do very soon from now in order to change the dynamic in our relation. He seemed to be very open but when I brought back the subject yesterday, he didn't want to be rushed... .It's been 2 years that we are speaking about therapy... .Tell me where I am rushing him... .

Anyway, I won't give up as I really want things change in our relationship. I want him to tell me very frankly if he wants as deeply as I do, to work hard on the relationship. If he doesn't want to commit himself, then I will have to make a decision.

And unfortunately, I am ready to lose him if I can't have any hope

I will keep you informed of how it is going

Thank you

[SlyQQ]

Be careful! if it does lead to a break up tread carefully they can act very irrationally and very hurtfully 

[ogopogodude]

It has been my experience that trying to get thru to a BPD that "this relationship is going south and it ain't gonna recover, unless something drastic is accomplished i.e. smarten-up and act normal" is virtually impossible.  Of course, this depends on the severity of the afflicted BPD.

I like analogies; I think of a relationship with a BPD as a pilot (the non-BPD in the marriage) and the co-pilot  (the BPD afflicted person) getting on the plane and taking off.  Early in the relationship every thing is hunky dory and the aircraft takes off nicely (honeymoon stage of the relationship).  Then during the course of the flight path, the co-pliot pushes buttons and flicks switches in the cockpit randomly as if totally inebriated and  the aircraft starts doing a nose dive.

Also, I would like to think of BPD as having a bell curve, with those to the left of the bell curve having the ability of still having communicative skills enough to still "fly the airplane" and keep it (the relationship) at least being able to re-coup and obtain level flight. Then those more severely afflicted with BPD, i.e. the ones to the right hand side of the bell curve, as being totally uncommunicative and not able to get the airplane stable enough to recover from the stall, no matter what steps are taken by the co-pilot, or pilot, for that matter. Meaning the demise is already pre-determined even before the plane leaves the ground.

Anyways, ... .getting away from the analogies, I can remember sitting in front of a lawyer's office getting ready to say to him "let's role baby and make this happen" and I called my wife to warn her to simply stop acting like a nut-ball. But the warning wasn't taken seriously. I gave her warning after warning. But to this day, she still is totally baffled and surprised that I left her. My wife was/is on the right side of the bell curve.

No, ... the more severe the BPD afflicted person, then the more unlikely that that person will realize that they are going to lose their significant other. It just doesn't sink in, in some cases.

[Isa_lala]

Hello

Thank you for your replies

I haven't progressed in my relationship. I did progress in my head.

I am waiting for an answer from him (this week) before making my decision. But I am closer than ever to leaving him... .

[Crumbling]

I am considering leaving.  I have boundaries and some do include leaving if he oversteps my limits. Since I have set the boundary and been consistent with it, things have gotten better. 

But that change hasn't really been enough, because I've still been considering leaving.  My BPDh of ten years is constantly negative.  One morning, he got up, I took note of everything he said.  His list of negative comments reached 2 and a half pages in the first half hour!  I accidentally left the list on the kitchen table, and he read it.  He knew what it was.  He made a super duper effort all day to stay positive and be 'cheery' after that.

That was yesterday.  Today started and continued to be a constant flow of negative comments, commands, saying how awful he fells, slept, hurts, and I can't, I can't statements all the FRIGING TIME!  ... .deep breathly, deep breathly... .

I lash out at him, with words, but sometimes I can seem pretty agressive, so I'm learning.  I get to a certain limit and its like the shields go up and the sword comes out.  That can look pretty agressive.  And normally, I am a really easy going person, everyone tells me I'm easy to be around, but my husband.  Everything I do is wrong in his eyes.  I just can't take it anymore.

My T says I could be in denial about what I expect from the r/s.  It hurts, a lot, to hear that.  He (my H, not my T) was my everything.  The one.  I don't want to give up on this r/s, I've already invested ten years!  But I need to protect me.  I need to focus on me, and rebuild who I am, and how I define me.  If I can't do that under the same room as him, then what other choice do I have?

I hope things go well for you, Isa.  Thanks for sharing.  This is my first time on the leaving board, and your post hit so close to home.  I've had these same thoughts and struggles, so many times.    I'm glad that you are making progress.

Ogo - I love your pilot analogy.  Makes lots of sense.  My H fluxuates back and forth, sometimes capable and sometimes not.  But even when he is capable, he can only maintain it for very short bouts... .and PLENTY of recovery 'baby me' time.