Intro

[MeandThee29]

Here I am!

My husband is living several states away, and I'm still in our home with our two college kids.

He battled PTSD and prescription-drug issues for years, and then began really difficult to be around two years ago. He saw a clinical psychologist about the PTSD over a decade ago, but didn't continue anything like that afterwards. Our young people and myself continued to see her off-and-on about coping with him. Her ongoing opinion was that we were dealing with someone with borderline/narcissism.

Then in February he moved out after threatening to do so for some time. Five days later he tried to commit suicide. He pulled through and went back to the clinical psychologist he saw for PTSD after his release from the behavior unit. He was also seeing a psychiatrist for medication management. Neither of those lasted long. He stopped the medication after a week. He stopped seeing the clinical psychologist after a month because she "just blamed me." He said that she was "poisoned" by all the years we went to her behind his back.

Meanwhile the young people and I went back to her because his behavior was declining, and she said that now she was 95% sure we were dealing with borderline/narcissism. She encouraged me to get out of the relationship. At that point it wasn't great, but it was manageable.

While she was out of town, my husband demanded that I see another counsellor to "fix his wife" because our relationship had gone completely down the hole. What happened is that he went on a jag where the majority of his interactions with me were streams of criticism, and I began to resist. He left on vacation by himself. I made an appointment with a family therapist who could get me in pretty quickly, and she advised me to separate. I called his brother and told him, and then when my husband called, I told him. He decided to extend his vacation to pick where he wanted to live, but we met twice face-to-face to work out details. Currently we have an informal separation that we drew up and signed.

Since then, I actually switched to another counsellor because of scheduling issues, and she's giving me additional insights that build on the first one. Frankly my life right now isn't so bad. The young people are seeing counsellors as well. They have gone "no contact" with their father.

What is tough is that the Jekyll-and-Hyde games continue over the phone. We have to communicate on an ongoing basis because of shared finances. At times it's all lovey-dovey and how much he misses me. At other times it's a litany of all his needs that I failed to meet and what a poor wife I was. He will take a text from me and turn into a major crises if I don't say what he wanted me to say. I always try to cut that short.

He's found a house to rent in his new location and is talking about having visitors including us (?). He talks about buying things that we could continue to use if we reconcile. He's talking about going to church again there.

Once he mentioned seeing a counsellor several weeks ago, but it hasn't come up again. The clinical psychologist told me that counselling for borderline/narcissism doesn't often go well and requires a long-term commitment.

What I need is fortitude! We CANNOT reconcile unless he gets help.

Thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi MeandThee29,

Welcome to the board    It sounds like you've accepted that even if he gets the help it will require ongoing commitment and will take some time to take effect in a way that directly alters his go to coping mechanisms.  From what you describe he hasn't been very consistent in accepting professional help in the past.  This must be very disappointing to you and frustrating no doubt.  We can certainly relate to that here.

How long have you been separated for?  It's great to hear that you feel things overall are going well with you and that your youngsters are getting support for themselves.  You've taken some good steps to protect all of your emotional well being throughout this and that's really admirable.  

What is tough is that the Jekyll-and-Hyde games continue over the phone. We have to communicate on an ongoing basis because of shared finances. At times it's all lovey-dovey and how much he misses me. At other times it's a litany of all his needs that I failed to meet and what a poor wife I was. He will take a text from me and turn into a major crises if I don't say what he wanted me to say. I always try to cut that short.

It must be difficult having reasons to remain in communication, especially that you are fully aware of how he is able to turn on the charm and this could potentially weaken your resolve.  You've taken bold moves to do what is right for you and your family.  You certainly seem like a very strong individual.  

Now may be a time to consider going LC, which means only communicating about necessary topics and nothing else.  It requires a firm boundary on yourself not to get drawn into anything that is unrelated to the issue at hand or is personal in nature.  Will the financial link be ongoing or is it in the process of being resolved?  There is a useful method called BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm), which you can read more about HERE, which you may find very useful.  I mentally refer to it often when dealing with my son's father.  I hope you find it helps.

Love and light x