Is all hope lost

[On3Lov3]

Well I am not ready to give up, but lately I really feel stuck,lost, not loved and ugly. I have been with my partner coming up on 5 years. She has BPD.( Refuses to acknowledge it). I'm not sure where to start. I guess I'll do a reverse (important to me) time line. Currently, my partner has considered moving out because she has expressed how she is not happy with herself,and how she is 33 and In the past year as spiraled down hill. The only change is we've moved into my godfathers guest home,whom I care for . And pay like almost living free housing cost wise. She has 2 kids in a different state and is having a problem deciding on to be selfish, move out get herself back so her own apartment where she CONTROLS if she would lose her home,Get her routine back. Or should she stay cause she can afford to travel more often to see her kids. I myself don't have children. Would love to but can't. That's irrelevant I don't know.

So this past weeks since the week before Halloween till now... .upon her return from seeing her kids.( Monday after Halloween) she was going to be moving out in 2 weeks.

I myself struggle with how by her (getting herself back) can be positive for our relationship. She told me. I'm not happy with myself so she pulled away like we slept in separAte beds. She said and I quote"it's not you it's me.)    so I was I still am hurt. Like... I said this to myself oh Ok(trying not to sound hurt)  every love heartbreak,I'm an ass just don't want to hurt you movie ,book, EVER.

  Of course I did my best... well I failed at trying to be positive about this whole delima, I couldn't even fake like I'm ok. WWheni know there is nothing wrong with me.

Anyway about the 2w of Nov. She said she was considering filling  for bankruptcy( she's divorced from a cheating man) and to file blah blah the cost.

So she would postpone moving out until after she filed , so she could have a clean slate no move in cost that type of thing.

Well who wouldn't be happy in that moment. I'm like ugh. Yes she's not moving out. Ok so your still not happy with yourself or can we go back to one bed. I thought. NO... .So then last Saturday  she asked if I'd mind picking up the check for the apartment a holding fee.

Your confused too right. So she magically got this apartment and I knew she was still getting emails From her initial search, but I was under the impression she wasn't moving out. So she was oobviously approved ,and told me afterwards.

But none the less... I was like when she told me she wanted to file bankruptcy... .after the happy moment... I had ATTITUDE. like I can't do back and forth. I said okay so don't move get your sh*7 together file then move out and we'll see how it goes with getting yourself back.

Let's face it I was pissed. I was like What the heck... .More angry sad tears. Then she put down a holding fee. She had decided she is going to be selfish.she wants to be happy and she wants me to be happy Nd the only solution is to move. Due to the fact we won't argue,and I won't feel like I have to let her know if I'm going out with friends. ( I don't feel like I have to btw) and I'd still let her know either we live together or not .

So now back to last Saturday, I picked up the holding check , as far as I know she not moving,but going out of town for her daughters bday... in two Weeks. She had expressed to me how tight December would be had she moved... if I never picked up the check. And Halloween her parents wanted to know when can they expect another visit... she didn't know. Now I know she loves her kids and I don't know the whole story... .only hers. She wants to visit her kids more now because the ex is planning to move out of state with his current GF.

I may sound like an ass but why now more time with kids cause he's voiced his plans. Is that horrible and negative of me?

But  I believe I've written a novel , at least it appears that's way on my phone.  I'll give more history and add one more thing.

She lost"herself " in March when we moved to help out my dad... .Still a home... .then I  August we moved to my godfathers,which was the plan since March... she knew this and supported it. So from I'd say from the end Mayne middle of Feb , was the last time we were intimate. Then we went on a get away from the drama trip and she fell asleep when she was being (nice)in my words. She held me. I was like YeS SEX. WOW ... to zzzzzzzz in my face. Now I'm like a guy sexually I tell everyone this. I was like man really bummed and beyond frustration. Oh we took this trip the first week of June.  So I let her sleep and I didn't cold shower(s) later. To I gave her a hard time not to much she apologized. That was it. No affection, kisses anything the rest of the weekend. So that's Feb to June... .nada I tried once in May and she told me she just doesn't feel "healthy" enough for sex. She has celiac disdisease. If you maintain a gluten free diet your almost good. No stomach issues... you know. Well she was maintaining the lifestyle cause a piece of pizza isn't worth the consequences after. Bloating... and some for example. So I can't be upset she rejects me due to she does not healtly enough. That would be mean. I work in healthcare so medically I get it. Now skipping forward to July 17 two night stay at a hotel/casino just for fun and its free... she wanted to do something nice she said she knew i was stressed with stuff and we needed a break.

I gave her a hard time and was joking about she better not fall asleep this time. I was utterly serious. I missed her. She didn't fall asleep but faked it. I knew it. Well is that to much info... hells bells she told me how she was sorry we didn't have much alone time and thatw she didn't want us to have to go in a weekend getaway to be intimate. For that she was sorry. But before the deed sdeewas all I owe you its been what 3 months. I Told her how long it really had been. She was all ... non chalet about it and said something smart. And that was it. I accepted what she was giving but I felt cheated. It's a tough subject intimacy and affection.  she said she does not know how to show affection. I always lose the fight it turns into and I somehow end up feeling like I'm at fault. I am needy sometimes. I would like to get some insight on how to stay strong and be supporting or show that I am, I feel I show it. I Understand BPD, and is this common behavior cause of that or do I have a selfish mean GF. I love her but man. I need help.  I need advice.

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[Grey Kitty]

 

You've got quite a story going there.   I'm a little confused on some of it.

Is she currently threatening to move out, planning to move out, or has she actually moved into an apartment?

Are you staying in your godfather's guest home? Do you have any plans to move out?

You've probably figured out that her sense of where she's going and what she's going to do isn't very stable, to say the least. Do you even know what you want for the future?