Wondering how hard to push. . .part 2

[vortex of confusion]

I wanted to continue the discussion from this thread https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=278153.0;all

A couple of people made comments that I wanted to address.

From Cat Familiar:

Also since they've had a history of incompetence and criticism for how they carry out their duties, responsibilities are a sum-total negative because they remind them how ineffective they are.

This is so true. We lived with his mother for 4 months. I can't imagine trying to grow up in that house with that woman. I would do our laundry and she would say things like "Oh, good for you." or other stuff like "good girl" that were so blasted condescending. Her attitude was that she was surprised that I could do anything. When I would try to cook, that woman would stand over me and I would screw up royally. Trying to work with that woman was enough to drive anybody crazy. I have a whole lot of sympathy, empathy, and understanding for my husband over this.

The first time I went to her house, she just put out this vibe. The beds were made up so perfectly. Because my husband and I were dating at the time, we slept in separate rooms. I was so afraid of messing up the bed and being able to remake it that I just slept on top of the comforter curled up in a sweater. It was made pretty clear that making the bed in the mornings was a requirement at her house.

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[vortex of confusion]

From Castle of Glass:

I've had some mixed emotions reading this post. The way your husband reacted to your statements and questions, the video gaming and checking out, sounded like me. I am not BPD though, my wife is the one who suffers from that. That dialogue even sounded like an excerpt from my life. But, my story is different as to why I 'checked out'. I checked out as a way to not deal with my uBPDw. I was tired of everything I did being wrong. Over the years of going to work everyday and coming home to help do dishes/kids/clean/etc., I was still being verbally attacked for not doing this or that right. I came up in a non supportive family. It bothered me over the years and when my wife would do it, I finally said to myself, "f**k this, f**k you and all of it. I am just going to play video games and enjoy my off time from work. You want to complain, then enjoy more of the workload."

I think this dynamic tends to play out a lot in a lot of relationships. There is the stereotypical "lazy" husband and the stereotypical "nagging b*** of a wife". In a normal relationship, I would think that two people could come together and discuss things and find a compromise or resolution.

Whichever person is the one that has a PD or traits of PD is going to amplify the stereotype. In my case, my husband has amplified the lazy, childish male stereotype. In your case, your wife has amplified the nagging, impossible to please female stereotype.

I sometimes think that those stereotypes make it difficult to have productive discussions across gender lines. I know that I have read some accounts from some of the guys and thought, "Geesh, how difficult is it to step up and be more plugged in?" At the same time, I bet a lot of guys read accounts from females and think, "Geesh, how difficult is it to stop nagging and give him some lovin'?"

[vortex of confusion]

From FormFlier:

I wouldn't get into the details on what he is doing better... .or not.  Let someone else shoulder that burden.

If he doesn't want to do this... .then... .just let him know you are ready to discuss further when he is ready to improve or change... .something along those lines.

What you want to avoid is telling him he is going better... .when he isn't.  But you also don't want to remind him of his critical mother.

He thrives on me giving him feedback about whether or not he is doing better. I try to tell him that he is IFF he is genuinely doing better. There have been times when he has told me that he feels like he is doing better but I wasn't seeing it. There have also been times when I have asked him, "How do YOU think you are doing?" and tried to help him make that determination for himself. He is so very externally motivated.

I know that I remind him of his mother in some areas. We have discussed this a little. The person that I remind him of most is his granny. She died when he was 11 or so. She encouraged him to be creative and weird and she got him. He has repeatedly told me that when his granny died he felt like he lost his rock. She was a gentle woman but nobody wanted to cross her. Even his mom has told me that I remind her of her mom. Her mom rarely raised her voice and people would listen. MIL could never get the boys (my husband and his brother) so she would resort to yelling and screaming at them. She has told me that she is jealous of the way that I am with my girls.

I have to laugh that my husband has jokingly told me that I am the only one in this world that has had enough balls to take on his mother and get her to back down. I took her to task for being so critical of him and mean to him while still pretending to be nice.

Males can thrive on competition.  He didn't have to jump very far to "beat out" dad. 

I feel like my husband is fighting a losing battle a lot of the time. He will see competition where there is none. I know he gets jealous of me. We are in the same field. We went to grad school together and I got a higher GPA. I worked for deans and department heads. He would use MY bosses as references and ride on my shirt tail to a degree. I am a better parent than him. I am better with cars than him. I am better with the mower than him. I am better with people than him. I am more creative than him. I am a better cook than him. Our friends have asked ME to sit in live shows with them, but not him. I had only been playing for a few short months and he had been in a band with them. I make everything look too easy. This is all stuff that he has said to me at different times.

And, I will admit, that there was a period of time where I got caught up in the competition and got caught up in the notion, "hey, you want to compete? I will compete and I will win." That was a long time ago in grad school. Our instructors would seal our papers up in envelopes and write notes like VOC did NOT see this. It was quite comical. I saw it as a friendly competition where we were pushing each other to do better. The problem is that he couldn't compete with me. When I realized what was happening, I tried to step back and STOP. I would let him win. I would sabatoge myself or not do things because I didn't want to make him feel bad.