Loss of identity and self-confidence?

[bpdmcgee]

Hello,

I've been thinking a lot about something. I have noticed a change within myself over these last 20 months. I know there were significant things that have happened (conflict with bfw/PPD) that left me feeling really shaken and almost traumatized at times, and I wondered for a while if I had had a small nervous breakdown even, because I felt so hollow... .  like a zombie. Detached from my own feelings and life.

I can clearly see now that my self-confidence is not what it was when I first met my boyfriend. It sounds weird to me--because I've always been a pretty busy and confident person creatively, physically, etc.--but it's like I feel frozen sometimes. Really unsure of who I am anymore, and feeling a complete lack of confidence in my ability to do things. This is so completely opposite of the kind of person I've been most of my life, that it's unnerving. I've always been a jump right in and figure it out, kind of person. Brave even? Not cocky, but with a "hell yah! I can do that!" kind of spirit.

I guess my question is why? It's been helpful to read, over and over again, how common these feelings are with non-BPD's who are involved with someone with BPD. Makes me realize that there's a REASON I feel this way, and obviously opens my eyes to the toll the relationship has taken on me. But again, why?

Any thoughts on why the drama and trauma of a relationship with someone w/BPD, affects our self-confidence and sense of personal identity? I think it would be helpful to understand WHY this happens, to try and recover and "find myself" again. Thanks!

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[almost789]

Well, I suffered the same. I think its because our self worth is wrapped up in them. Which it should not be. Self worth comes from yourself. I suffered a blow to my self esteem when things went bad with us. I was already a confident person, but he blew me up like you would not believe. Idealization is powerful. Constant admiration and all that stuff, you know. And then it all dissappears in a flash. Its a bit deflating. But you can get it back. Start focusing on you. And positive reinforcement of you by you. Think positive. You are what you think.

[yeeter]

For me, it was a number of things that all added up.

First foremost is that you get a constant reflection of reality pushed back on us - that ISNT reality!  The rewriting history, the gaslighting, misrepresentation, etc etc.  I used to feel like 'I can do anything' but ... .  (we are two smart capable people, we 'should be able to make it work!).  It was an attitude that served me well in other areas, but I didnt know what I was up against.

Then there is a steady stream of criticisms.  Blow ups.  Where there is wrath handed out if something upsets our partner.  Its a tough way to live to be constantly in fear.

Typically we also get isolated from our friends and family - the ones that were there to provide us some perspective and ground us (and make us feel loved).

Lack of validation.  Rarely are our thoughts and feelings validated by our partner.  Often it is just the opposite.  This brings on self doubt.

Often we lose our hobbies and self interests.  All our time and energy goes into feeding the black hole.

And it all adds up over time, to where we become a different person.  My nerves and emotions where DESTROYED by this relationship.

How to gain pieces of yourself back:

Get out of the FOG

Detachment with love

Dont own your partners feelings and emotions (not yours to fix)

Connect with friends and family regularly

Eat right

Exercise

Prioritize some of your own time/hobbies

Often T is very helpful to us

Be patient and give yourself some time to recover/rebuild yourself

[bpdmcgee]

In my case, I don't think it's because my self-worth is wrapped up in how he sees me at any given moment. I can see how that could play a big part, if the pwBPD is very verbally abusive. He doesn't tend to be in that way (kind of in a different way). But there's a lot of emotional abuse.

Listening to him scream how he's going to kill himself (or driving him to the hospital when he has staged an "effort" is emotionally traumatizing for me. Watching him storm out, never knowing if it will last 12 hours or 2 days, is a hard limbo to be in. He does tend to assign responsibility for his feelings onto me--when he's in his "bad place". And even though intellectually I know it's not true, I do begin to question myself and wonder about my own culpability, all while I bend over backwards trying to understand him, his extreme sensitivity and volatile behavior.

Yeetar-I can really relate to what you wrote. All those things happen/have happened. I think a combination of living in this volatile, isolated, emotionally unpredictability, fear, always putting my own feelings aside to understand and validate his--basically wrapping myself up in his distorted reality and sacrificing my own, leaves me feeling invisible. I could expand exponentially on how I feel about this, but trying to be brief. I'm so worried about how I will be "interpreted", that I have lost the ability to just "be". You know? And then dealing with the fallout of his reactions leaves me feeling very shaken like I'm in kooky-land. It's like "good" has started to be defined by being "not bad".

I know it has something to do with losing my voice. I silence it so much. I didn't used to, I spoke my mind strongly with him, until I realized I was not just dealing with an ass, but someone who is likely mentally ill. And compromising my needs for his. Sometimes I don't even know what they are anymore. I'm working on getting there though. I'm trying to detach a bit so I don't get caught up emotionally in his drama, and accept what is, and learn that I have to sometimes walk away (but of course still trying to validate, understand, and validate some more! grrr... .  )

I can so relate to what you wrote! My nerves and emotions are shot. Wait? Do I even emotions of my own anymore? Who knows? I'm so used to setting them aside as irrelevant. Thanks for your thoughts.

[DyingLove]

Well, I suffered the same. I think its because our self worth is wrapped up in them. Which it should not be. Self worth comes from yourself. I suffered a blow to my self esteem when things went bad with us. I was already a confident person, but he blew me up like you would not believe. Idealization is powerful. Constant admiration and all that stuff, you know. And then it all dissappears in a flash. Its a bit deflating. But you can get it back. Start focusing on you. And positive reinforcement of you by you. Think positive. You are what you think.

I believe this to be true. My significant other is currently going to a psychologist, and last visit the psychologist stressed the fact that we are responsible for the way we feel and no one can make you feel anything but you. I don't know about the majority, but I'm not just a numb totem pole. Something is making me feel the way I do, and the way I feel is really crappy and messed up.  I'm sure it doesn't get us anywhere whatsoever if we attempt to blame somebody else for the way we feel, so it may only be a tactic to deal with confrontation. Kind of like McDonald's, that person that spilled the hot coffee on themselves and got the million bucks. That kind of got the ball rolling on lawsuits. I guess it would be easy to get the ball rolling on the blame game to. I'm the kind of person who wakes in the morning, hops out of bed, makes sure my smile is nice and big and on straight, whistles or hums a tune while making breakfast and coffee, and then moves along to make the best of the day. Now I wake up at 3 AM, usually in a sweat, some to or song stuck in my head, thinking about all the woes of life, where my life is going, the fact that I have no driver motivation or ambition to rejuvenate my business, whether or not the significant other is going to be in a good mood, whether or not the seven-year-old is going to be in a good mood. But of course this is all on me, no one to blame but me, no one to make it go away but me, and the list goes on and on. I too have lost who I am to my significant other. I fell in love so hard and so complete that she was on my mind constantly in the beginning. Everyone is deserving of love, healthy people, sick people, every body. Did you ever wonder if there was a on off switch for love? If you could invent it, you would be rich!

Self-confidence has different criteria based on the individual. I had several different criteria at one point, and certain elements have changed since then. I think the one element that has not changed is my physical health. That was something that could always be worked on and kept in check. Of course I did not. I gained 35 pounds back and that alone has been discouraging and a direct blow to my confidence. Some nights I want to come home to a junk food Festival! I could read the flyer now: popcorn, potato chips, cold cuts, come one come all... .  Heart attacks welcome! Once again, another one of my famous rants and raves. Sorry it was a tough weekend and everything is just hitting the fan this morning while I'm alone.

[OTH]

Yes. This is very common. They mirrored us though. They borrowed our identity to some degree. They idealized us and made us feel special. And then... .  it wasn't good enough anymore. Our borrowed identity was found wanting. It didn't meet their needs anymore. We just weren't that special. They sullied our borrowed identity then discarded it. We have suffered a narcissitic injury to our own ego. This is one reason many of us have such difficulty letting go. We want to feel special again. We want to heal our ego and the only way that seems to make sense is to go back to the source of the injury. Many of us are fixers also. We spent a lot of time managing their emotions and in the end it failed. We put a lot of energy into them and it just didn't work. Another big ego buster. I had the can do spirit also! Difficult to admit we have limitations sometimes but a necessary step to letting go of a situation we couldn't control and shouldn't have tried to.  

[almost789]

So True OTH!

Dyinglovenomore- your junkfood festival made me laugh... .  

[DyingLove]

So True OTH!

Dyinglovenomore- your junkfood festival made me laugh... .  

What is even more weird is that I'm not kidding!  LOL  I quit smoking at 24... .  that's not changing... .  and I rarely drink,,maybe a six pack a year and a sip if my SO has something... .  and THAT is not changing either.  So what's left?  Chips, cookies and ice cream.  I love to cook, especially BBQ!  Once again, the levity helps us through tough times for certain. :-)

[Cloudy Days]

I'm so worried about how I will be "interpreted", that I have lost the ability to just "be". You know? And then dealing with the fallout of his reactions leaves me feeling very shaken like I'm in kooky-land. It's like "good" has started to be defined by being "not bad".

I have been thinking about this lately. The feeling of just being and not having to be aware of everything you do. I miss that feeling. I feel like even when I am relaxed that I am not actually relaxed. If I just let my gaurd down and be "me" I will regret it. I also used to be very happy go lucky, and a go with the flow type of person. Things didn't bother me like they do now. Or is it that I just didn't have things that bothered me then. I've never had a ton of confidence but I was always my own person and stood up for things I beleived in. I don't even have an opinion anymore on most things. It seems as if I have lost my drive for things in life. "I don't care" is a very popular answer for me. I might have an opinion on something but I have found that it doesn't matter so why bother. It's easier not to have an opionion because then it won't be challenged.   

I get very tierd of listening to someone gripe about everything under the sun. It takes a lot out of a person when all you hear about is what is wrong with the world and the people in it. And never hear something uplifting. I know the world is a crappy place, I don't need to be reminded of it constantly. It's hard to be positive when everything you hear is negative. It doesn't matter if it is about you, someone you know or people you will never know, if it is negative it brings a certain mood to your days. When every day has an emphasis on negative stuff it brings you down.

[almost789]

I know dyinglove nomore,

I've had my fair share of chocolate these past few months. Maybe we need to replace with excercise.

[DyingLove]

I know dyinglove nomore,

I've had my fair share of chocolate these past few months. Maybe we need to replace with excercise.

... .  are you in the neighborhood?  We can get an exercise group going... .  maybe call it the BPD LOVERS PIZZA CLUB.   :-)

[WalrusGumboot]

Any thoughts on why the drama and trauma of a relationship with someone w/BPD, affects our self-confidence and sense of personal identity? I think it would be helpful to understand WHY this happens, to try and recover and "find myself" again. Thanks!

By putting you and keeping you down, they feel they have leveled the playing field, so to speak. Don't think they cannot sense you fighting back and trying to recover because my experience is that their tactics become more extreme. Over the five years that I have been active on this forum, I don't think I have seen any non successfully become their "old self" again while still in a relationship with a pwBPD who is not actively working on their recovery as well. Real success stories are pretty few and far between, but they exist, but only when both partners are engaged in improving their lives.

Good luck!

[4on6]

well for me it's the opposite actually I've always been a confident

hi spirit energetic person or whatever you want to call it & I actually

feel better after knowing my BPD yeah there was a point where I felt

like crap I mean absolute **** not eating right,sleeping too much,ignoring my interest,

sobbing ect... .  & there was a lot of days that I wasted doing nothing or did I waste them?

I think it has a lot to do with accepting their personality their form of being & accepting

if you really love them for them you know? & not trying to change or mold them into being

something else they don't or aren't ready to be & I've realized I love my BPD for who

she is & it's cool yeah she throws her tantrums gives silent treatments says it's over

I don't care about you I can't be loved blah blah blah she's actually giving

me a silent treatment right now before I would get mad/sad/confused whatever

now I just laugh sometimes I even try to get mad & I just laugh more

[4on6]

I think if you realize who you really are & just go in with that mindset

& be you yeah change a bit like all relationships but keep "you" intact

because that's where this all starts the relationship didn't start out like crap

you didn't fall in love because they treated you horribly or whatever I think

its like this

non & BPD partners meet

they hit it off yay yay fireworks 

BPD partner feels change backs off a bit non changes a bit

BPD partner feels more change backs off a lot non changes more

the non is a flame or a fire & the BPD partner is a pair of hands

as the BPD partners hands/personality get warmer & hotter they feel damage

is being done or fear it will be done so they pull away their hands

the flame the fire the non turns up the heat your hands are just cold BPD partner

the hands get even hotter & pull away more until she puts you out & your black

you the non keep trying to spark up again from an ember then the BPD partner

lights you back up & your burning but now your base is shifted

[4on6]

& your back but can't control your flame as much any more you turn the

heat up to warm the hands & the hands pull away more & the same cycle continues

over and over her hands get more sensitive to your flame & your flame grows more uncontrollable

basically the hands change how sensitive they are to your flame all the time

& you the non change the heat up but you have no clue how hot or cold you

you have to be because you've never dealt with hands like these in past relationships

at this point your personality your boundaries are wavering up & down side to side 

to find a balance but the balance is you! you have to find what your willing to sacrifice how

much your willing change how much your flames willing to fluctuate & you have to change in

every relationship BPD or non regardless if you stay or leave every relationship changes your

personality or else why begin it you either grow it grow from it shatter from it or remain

in a constant state of shambles in it for not learning

[4on6]

& it's all on you for being weak,stubborn,confused & not realizing whatever

"how can they be so mean?" hello? it's you to... .  you have to say hey

I want to warm your hands but I will only burn at this temperature give or take

a few degrees

I'm done with the analogy sorry

but seriously you have to figure out your boundaries their boundaries

your personality their boundaries your triggers their triggers

& sorry for posting a lot of post back to back my browser has character limit