The end of your marriage?
If your wife left you because she didn't get to spend all the money she wants, what does that say about her? What about your marriage?
I think this could be the end of the marriage because boundaries and limits are needed and this has been one of the worst subjects. I'm so scared of the rages, the reactions, the lies that will come out with this. And it the fear this will continue again and again. It's hard to see her ever being okay with this, even a year or two down the road. I fear the resentment that will build up from her, not get better. I pray I'm wrong.
It will bleed into so so many things that will trigger her. Her not being able to drink as much alcohol , not being able to go on vacations we can't afford like before, having to actually make adult choices, things need to be an OR choice, not AND (i.e. we can go on a vacation we save for later in the year OR we can continue to spend hundreds a week eating out (we can't afford to keep doing that either). She can go on a girls trip OR she can work less. We can pay off our debt in the next 2 years OR we can eat out a few times a month.). She HATES to be at home so going out for lunches, happy hours, dinners, overnight trips is what she feels she has to keep herself occupied. It's what she says makes her feel 'romanced'. She doesn't do well with any change and this will change a LOT for her. We are going to have to reduce our spending. A lot, it's going to really be a hard one for her...
In the past my attempts to curb spending (which I've always caved on) ended terribly. I pay all the bills, my paycheck goes into a 'joint' account. Which BTW none of her money goes into but once in a while she will transfer over to help cover something. Her money goes into her venmo, paypal and her personal checking. I couldn't tell you what she spends her money on.
I have told her since we've been in our new state that I barely make enough to pay the bills, there isn't much left over. She would go out and randomly buy stuff and all of the sudden there's money out of the account and not enough to pay a bill. For example she would stop at the grocery store and spend $200 when I just went to the store (I plan all the meals, do the grocery shopping and prepare the meals so I know what we need). Or she would go out for lunch with friends, buy something at a store. When I explained we (not just her) can't just go spend out of the joint account because there isn't money to pay the bills when we do that. We need to have a conversation if there's going to be spending out of the 'joint' account. That made me 'controlling' and wanting to have power over her by controlling the finances.
She says I'm controlling (she uses absolutes like you are always controlling with money)
She texted her mom and sister telling them I've 'cut her off', and tell them I'm being so controlling.
I'm worried a lot about the latter. Her mom has been good about calling me and asking me what's going on. She knows my uBPDw has behaviors and spending issues - she's seen then first hand. But I'm also thinking long term. If we don't make it and our marriage breaks, the things she would say about me to our friends, to her family, to my family. There's not much I would put past her once she feels scorn, considering how bad the rages are and we're married it scares me what she would do if we were to split up.
To give her credit she has contributed some to trips, pays for her and I going out to eat sometimes. She also took on a car payment for her new vehicle. But it is interesting how she didn't have or offer that $700 a month to the family finances before she wanted to get a particular car.
Dad spent no money on himself. He would buy generics at the pharmacy, clothes on sale at a bargain store. BPD mother has a closet full of designer purses and watches and kept a car she didn't drive We eventually sold the car and put the money into her account. She's drained all her IRA's, most of her savings and the equity in the house that was paid for.
I had to laugh because this is me. I spend almost nothing on myself, except what's necessary. I almost never replace clothes until they're worn out. I grocery shop between 2 stores and buy the item wherever it's cheaper after I've planned out the meals for the week so I know exactly what I need to buy. I don't have any hobbies to spend money on. She has quite a few designer purses and has had to clean out her closets several times, removing older clothes in the closet because everything was packed so tight, needed room for new stuff. She regularly goes out to lunch, always seems to have new earrings, accessories or outfits through the months and usually takes 2 girls trips (vacations) a year.
