BPD and their distinctive features

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi ! I know this is not the most important subject in here, but I' m very curious.

I wonder if your exBPD have "weird" or even scary facial features ?

I finally got rid of my exBPD (YAY!). He was totally obsessive and now I'm very picky to chose my next relationship. I' m trying to find a healthy partner now. I though about my ex and I realized his facial features was not normal, I should have seen he has a dysfunctional personality. I have to say I never though he was attractive, I always saw something was not normal. Just by his face ! Now I really wonder why I went into a relationship with this man. I don't know, something in his eyes is really scary.

Am I the only one ?

[LovexLife]

Hi ! I know this is not the most important subject in here, but I' m very curious.

I wonder if your exBPD have "weird" or even scary facial features ?

I finally got rid of my exBPD (YAY!). He was totally obsessive and now I'm very picky to chose my next relationship. I' m trying to find a healthy partner now. I though about my ex and I realized his facial features was not normal, I should have seen he has a dysfunctional personality. I have to say I never though he was attractive, I always saw something was not normal. Just by his face ! Now I really wonder why I went into a relationship with this man. I don't know, something in his eyes is really scary.

Am I the only one ?

[enlighten me]

No your not alone. Theres plenty of comments here about their eyes.

Its a tough one though. I know certain medical professionals say they can spot a BPD as soon as they walk into a room. Would be a nice talent to have. I suppose the problem with most of us on here is that we are too trusting. The old adage of you cant judge a book by its cover is both true and false in BPD. At first glance we saw a wonderful person who turned out to be a nightmare. If we had looked deeper though we may have seen the warning signs.

[freedom33]

I agree with enlingthen me. There is something about their eyes. Her eyes were electric. If she was happy they would radiate such uplifting energy. But as time passed they were more and more intensely filled with anger and angst at times. Very strong and intense stare. Scary and hard to look at at times.

Enlighten me - I agree with you on trust. I just never imagined that people like this existed. But now after what I have been through I am like a BPD radar. There is that intensity, drama and masquerade that comes with them that I can't forget.

[OutOfEgypt]

My boss told me, after our divorce, that he was glad that he could finally tell me that he and some of the other guys candidly called her "crazy eyes".  They knew about many of the awful things I endured, and they said that in one of the family photos you could clearly see that something is "off" in her eyes.  This is probably also why many children (friends of my children when my children were younger) were terrified of her and always did what she said.

[hurting300]

Ok now I'm freaking out. My friends whom are mostly police officers told me their was something about i need to be concerned about. They said he's eyes look like she's insane.

[freedom33]

Ok now I'm freaking out. My friends whom are mostly police officers told me their was something about i need to be concerned about. They said he's eyes look like she's insane.

Yup... .And guess why?

[hurting300]

Oh they told me time and time again, hey man something is up with her you need to be careful. They were right.

[LovexLife]

Ok now I'm freaking out. My friends whom are mostly police officers told me their was something about i need to be concerned about. They said he's eyes look like she's insane.

Don' t freak out ! It' s a good thing to know. Enlighten Me is right, this is a warning sign and we have to pay attention to thoses things too, for our next relationships.

Thank you for your answers ! The more I think about my exBPD, the more I think about his stare. It' s a strong word, but there were something evil in his eyes.

[LettingGo14]

I know we take comfort in shared experiences here.  However, it's very difficult to assign a "look" and diagnose anything.  

We suffer after our relationships, and we want to heal.   But, the pathway to healing lies within us.   We can release ourselves from the pain with self-inquiry.

Paying attention to   (red flags) is important; however, diagnoses based on facial features is a slippery slope.

Just my 2 cents.

[OutOfEgypt]

Yup.  I don't think you can assume someone is crazy by a "look in the eye."  However, looking back I can see how the look in her eye definitely goes along with her behavior.  As far as red flags go, I think listening to our gut impression of someone and taking note of behavior goes much further than how we think they look.

[Mr Hollande]

If the eyes are the mirror of the soul then it's not unreasonable to suggest that the diseased soul of a BPD shines through the eyes.

[OutOfEgypt]

Right, but that's a bit subjective is all, don't you think?  Maybe they just have gas

[elessar]

I know we take comfort in shared experiences here.  However, it's very difficult to assign a "look" and diagnose anything.  

Paying attention to   (red flags) is important; however, diagnoses based on facial features is a slippery slope.

I wanted to add my support to this. BPD is a psychological disorder. Reasons vary from genetics to epigenetics (my hypothesis) to life experiences. It is a most likely a mixture of all. There are certain criteria that one must meet to be diagnosed. One of the most frustrating things I dealt with was when I told friends my ex might have BPD, and they laughed at me saying I am making things up from googling.

We must be careful to only focus on issues that deal with the BPD criteria, lest we lose our own credibility. There was an earlier thread about BPD not getting mainstream attention. One person commented that it might lead to people diagnosing anyone they felt was weird to them.

So let us focus on the criteria of a BPD and their derivatives. For example, breaking boundaries isn't a criteria in the DSM, but it is a derivative of an unstable interpersonal relationship along with narcissism. Since ~50% BPDs are comorbid NPDs, we can include breaking personal boundaries as a BPD trait.

But focusing on personal anecdotes that we find strange is a dangerous slippery slope where people will stop believing us. After all, disordered or not, every person has their own personalities, traits, weirdness. And when there are so many people in the world, many borderlines - by a definition of probability - will share those traits.

This is not to invalidate the hurt we are feeling by our ex/current pwBPD. But just to maintain our own credibility when we are talking about mental illness of our pwBPD.

[hurting300]

No it's not subjective. Trained police officers deal with people like who we was with daily. I can see what they mean. When your not "all there" You have a look.

[freedom33]

I agree that eyes do give a feel for one's mental condition. They do reflect one's psychological state. In my girlfriend's eyes there would this pure intense energy combined with a hollow look. Also there was a feeling of agitation, of tension, mental angst. I am not reading into this. I noticed this before I realised the problems and what BPD was.

[freedom33]

Right, but that's a bit subjective is all, don't you think?  Maybe they just have gas

This is also true. She was complaining about her stomach problems (and other ailments) all the time. She probably had gas too! 

[Mr Hollande]

No it's not subjective. Trained police officers deal with people like who we was with daily. I can see what they mean. When your not "all there" You have a look.

To which I will stick my subjective neck out further by adding what a retired police officer once said to me. "When you've done enough years in the job and dealt with enough individuals you develop a sense for spotting a wrong'un quite easily".

Since gas has now been brought into the topic. My ex did suffer from that. To the extent of waking me up at night with her trumping. Not very feminine but I found it cute. It was certainly preferable to many of her other behaviours. 

[OutOfEgypt]

I'm not disagreeing with you.  I was actually trying to make a joke.

1) I'm not a retired police officer with years of dealing with people like that every day.  Are you?  

2) It would be difficult to objectively qualify WHY they have "the look".  It is more of a gut impression you get, a perception, which is fine.

3) Can you see in the eyes how one person has BPD and another is, for example, a paranoid schizophrenic?  I can't.

I have 15 years of experience dealing with my ex every day, and I have a much more finely tuned ability to recognize someone as "off" than I did back then.  I could not, however, explain this to someone who does not have the experience and have them get it in the way that I do.  It is a gut impression from experience more than it is a teachable, objective thing.

I also see that my ex has a hollow look inside, in the eyes.  That's not my imagination.  But it didn't have that meaning to me until I knew her.  I didn't see it without the experience, and I would not have been able to say, "Ah, she has BPD" until I already knew she was broken in these ways.

[hurting300]

I'm sorry. Seriously... today marks 5 months since I've seen my baby. And I guess I'm just upset. And yes I've been around people with that look. I use to brag about spotting bad people all day long. But love is blind.

[Mr Hollande]

I know you did and I replied with a funny anecdote. I'm not intending to provoke an argument.

1. I am not no. Had I been I may have saved myself from a lot of pain.

2. I am a believer in gut reactions. I know I have them but I am not very good at adhering to them.

We've talked about the crazy stare and how frightening it is here and in other recent threads. One thing which I am still undecided whether it's scary or sad was the hollow eyes I saw on my BPD ex after the episode we had during her last visit. It was the only time I saw her like that. She'd had an absolutely horrible raging episode with me, the worst one ever, and afterwards it was like she'd burned out. Her eyes were just hollow. Not angry, intense or hateful, just empty. I am still baffled by it. Where her mind was in that moment I do not know. Scary, sad or both I cannot decide.

[OutOfEgypt]

freedom:  haha.  mine always had stomach problems, too... .or something... .was nervous, didn't feel good, was tired, etc.

hurting:  It's hard.  I know.  I'm sorry because I know it hurts!  I was able to spot a few crazies, myself.  I escaped dating a few.  That was fun .  In a strange twist, my ex has this ability when it comes to sexual predators (since she was sexually molested as a child).  Since we share children, I always ask her what she thinks of someone when it comes to where our daughters spend time.  She has a built-in "perv-detector", even though, ironically, she is something of a perv, herself (though not a child molestor!)

[OutOfEgypt]

Mr. H, I think we're saying the same thing

[Mr Hollande]

Yes. 

[toomanytears]

Yes my stbx had very scary eyes particularly when he became angry. The pupils would widen and they became darker and darker like two small hard black pebbles. I put it down to his almost constant state of fight or flight - his eyes reflected how he felt - always alert to some personal slight or hazard... .always afraid, always angry... .

[hurting300]

This is very interesting guys, my ex had the stare. And she had stomach problems. And headaches seem to be a thing with BPD or other cluster b people.

[Loveofhislife]

Just to add my two cents which have nothing to do with gastric disturbance--I have worked with the most severely mentally ill people (residing in state hospitals) and the most extreme cases of Alzheimer's related dementia, and I have NEVER seen the kind of blank, wild stare that I saw in exbfBPD. And yes, I worked with law enforcement, and we weren't allowed to profile based on eyes. There is something to this. However, my T told me today that the most reliable pwpd radar is anyone who starts telling you how mesmerized they are with you as soon as you meet. RUN!

[enlighten me]

Can I just ask with the dilated/ wide pupils was it only when they where raging?

Also people have mentioned in another post about their SO not remembering what they had said when raging. If anyone could remember if the wide eyes and memory blanks where at the same time it would be greatly appreciated.

[LovexLife]

Enlighten me : my ex always had this stare, not matter how he felt. In fact, I first saw it through photographs where he was supposed to be happy. Everyone around him just smile, but he had this evil stare. It is very scary.

Thank you everyone, your answers help a lot ! I didn't create this post to say you can diagnose a BPD just by his stare, I just wanted to know if another person noticed it too. It is very interesting to know I was not the only one

[enlighten me]

My ex recently posted some selfies on FB. The first thing I noticed was how angry her eyes looked. I showed a couple of my friends them and one said without prompting "don't her eyes make her look empty". The other guy who had a BPDexw said "wow angry eyes"

Everyone who replied gave her the wow beautiful reaction though.

[Lolster]

Yup, crazy stare whenever he was focused directly on me.  It was the same stare regardless of whether we were just chatting or having sex.  Very intense and odd, almost alien like.