Cheating BPD spouse

[Jane Agatha]

I'm posting because I have much to say about my current situation yet none of my friends and family have had this experience. I am retired with my husband. I have always found him difficult to live with. He is extremely touchy and prone to sudden outbursts of violence. It has been impossible to discuss our relationship without his immediately threatening to leave. Yet he is clingy towards me, hates being alone and seems to fear abandonment. From early in our relationship he has been troubled  by fears that I'll "leave him for someone better". He is very smarart but unlike me, did not complete his university degree. I have worked hard to understand how to get along with  him. I feel it is dangerous to get too close. When I allow him close he inevitably becomes cruel towards me either by cruel words or displays ofrejection. We share lifestyle interests, doing things we enjoy together yet it is not a marriage in the conventional sense. I feel he's too damaged and not up to it. A friend called it a partnership. About 30 years ago I discovered he was having a sexual relationship with a much younger married woman he worked with. We were never able to discuss this and resolve it soI distanced myself further. Over time memories seeped in. I became strongly suspicious that there was more to the relationship than he admitted. That it had gone on for some years and that they shared a daughter, now aged 31. I believe the woman secretly brought the daughter into our home until she was aged two and a half, around when I discovered the relationship. My husband developed strong feelings for the daughter. Move 30 years on, we have been retired together for nine years, which has been challenging. I have suddenly woken up to the fact that my husband has been bringing the same woman, his "secret lover", into our home, for sex, when I'm out or away. When I challenged him he denied it and said he intends to see out his days with me. I feel the sanctity of my home has been violated and my husband has betrayed me with lies. I do not feel threatened by his secret lover who I feel is way beneath me I every way. I understand her husband is dying ofcancer and she may be hoping for a replacement. I can't see that happening. I like my life, although it involves living with S engali. I'm finding things quite challenging at present. I did not expect to find myself in this situation at the age of 75.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jane Agatha]

I am not asking for stay or leave advice. I am happy to make up my own mind about that. I'm wondering if anyone here has had similar experiences to mine. The story, though not of my making, seems too bizarre to be believable yet I believe it is my experience.

[EyesUp]

Hello Jane, and welcome.

Sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.

Some thoughts:

In regard to infidelity - you're in good company. The fact is that it is far more common than you might expect. When I processed this in my own relationship, I came to understand that with a 50% or greater divorce rate and with infidelity contributing to a significant percentage of failed marriages, and with many marriages - like yours - continuing when infidelity is present - it's simply more common than we might expect. 

Stating the obvious, what might be unique about your situation is or was your ability to compartmentalize the situation for so long.

I wonder if you've given thought to this?  What brought the past back into the light for you?  And what makes you feel differently at this point?  I know these might be difficult questions.

In my experience, I can very much relate to what you wrote - "I feel the sanctity of my home has been violated" - I didn't feel safe at home - or leaving! - knowing that my wayward spouse brought someone else into the house, and might do it again. It was a terrible feeling.

I wasn't prepared to leave or divorce when I first discovered the affair, so I became somewhat vigilant about keeping tabs on activity - as if to prove to myself what was or was not happening. There are different schools of thought on this, but if you feel the need to verify that the affair is continuing, you can explore how to discretely place audio or video recorders in your home. You don't need to the video tape the act, simply documenting that the other woman enters and leaves your home when you are not there is probably enough.

Also, like you, my spouse denied everything. It's not uncommon. In these cases, it tends to be a binary scenario:  Either the wayward spouse shows remorse and wants forgiveness and reconciliation - or they deny, avoid, gaslight, etc.  The latter response can be even more damaging than the betrayal itself, because it effectively says "preserving the affair is more important than preserving the marriage."  It's hard to accept.

To answer your question:  Your situation is both unique and not unique.

It's unique in that no one else has ever experienced your exact circumstances. In this way, every situation is unique. And, of course, that this secret relationship was able to exist for 30 years is remarkable. Usually someone slips or notices something in a week, or a month, or a year. 30 years is not entirely unprecedented, but it is less common.

That said, your situation is not unique in that the themes of infidelity are somewhat consistent, no matter what the circumstances are, whether it's the duration of the affair, the extent of the betrayal, the attitude of the wayward spouse, etc. The fact is that infidelity is more or less always a selfish act, and the scope or scale of the circumstances can be somewhat academic. It's like degrees of getting wet. It doesn't really matter how long you're in the ocean, once you're in, you're wet. My point is: Getting caught up in the extent of it might not be helpful.

Your husband has led a double life. This reminds me, to some degree, of Sam Shepard's Fool For Love. The play is about lovers who come to realize that they share the same father, a man who managed to live a double life with two women - the father would cycle in and out of the kids' lives - the kids both knew their father, but never at the same time. In the play, the idea that someone can lead a double life is not shocking or particularly dramatic - that's merely the starting the point. It's the consequences of that choice, and discovering it all much later - and trying to make sense of it - that drives the drama in the play...   And that's sort of where it seems you're at - trying to make sense of what's happened, and where you stand now.

Thinking back to when you first discovered the affair years ago - it sounds like you compartmentalized it and put it aside.  Is that fair to say? 

And it sounds like your H has clearly expressed his desire to continue the marriage. Do you believe him? Or do you feel that he's stalling or playing for time? And more importantly: Is that still what you want, too? My advice is: Trust your gut.

Do you have friends, family, or an individual therapist you can speak with about any of this?  Of course, we're here for you - I found that opening up to a few people I could trust was also very helpful.

Hang in there.