Confused... feeling weak... mom had surgery

[sickandtired2]

I am feeling like I am being sucked back in... . and guilty.  As some of you may know Christmas eve was a disaster.  uBPD mom and enabling dad stormed out after some "words" saying they never want to see or speak to me again.  They have stuck to that, with me and my husband and two children, 15 and 20.  Well, yesterday was the date of mom's scheduled knee replacement surgery.  Being that we were NC for nearly a month, and they have reiterated to my sister on several occasions that they were "so done with me", I did not know how to handle mom's surgery date and recovery period.  It really goes against every thing I believe in to not be there and support the whole process, for her or anyone I care about.  I still have some unresolved anger over the fact that neither of them have been there for me through two surgeries to rule out breast cancer.  At the time of the second surgery, mom and I worked in the same office.  She had asked our boss for the day off to be there for me and to wait with my husband during my surgery. They were not there, hubby waited alone.  In July of 2013, my husband's brother hung himself.  My parents did not acknowledge his death for nine days(although I spoke to them daily).  They did not come to the funeral services and the only comment they made was "well your husband was not close to him anyway".  This really hit a nerve with me as we buried my husbands 14 year old nephew (he was hit by a car) three years earlier and that was so hard on all of us, especially my kids.  I had really hoped that if they didn't think my husband could use some support, my kids could use it while watching their four devastated cousins bury their father.  Two tragedies in three years is a lot for kids.   

    Anyway, I'll get to the point.  I decided I would handle mom's surgery by sending a get well card stating " I hope the surgery goes well and that I would be thinking about you".  I dropped it off in her mailbox the day before the surgery.  I thought I did my duty considering we are NC.  That night my enmeshed sister calls all excited and said "mom got your card.  She is so happy and would like you to come to the hospital tomorrow for the surgery".  I hung up, thought about it and thought,  If she was so happy getting the card and we are speaking again, why can't she call me.  More games but the guilt trip has begun.

   I got sucked in and went to the hospital to see her after the surgery.  Her and Dad were happy to see me.  They acted like nothing has happened.  Filled me in on grandma's hospitalization and move to nursing home as if I were away on a cruise for the past 3 1/2 weeks.  I felt sick to my stomach.  I left thinking, okay, I'm done, did my moral duty.  Now today, the day after surgery, I made a point of not calling her but getting updates from my sister, just to make the point that everything is not "fine". 

  I have felt guilty all day.  I would not turn my back on anyone especially family.  How can I do this?  Am I doing the right thing?  Why does it feel so wrong?  I am so confused.  I was enjoying NC but this surgery has derailed me!

[makingachange]

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear how tough this is one you. I am SO in the same place. I just wrote a whole long post on the intro board about my situation, but I also had a terrible Christmas due to my uBPD Mom.

She had surgery, too, and tried to use that as a guilt trip/way to control me, too. I refused to give in this time, as I have so, so many times before. I called her and of course she didn't pick up, but I left her a voicemail and wished her well on the surgery. Sounds similar to you leaving your Mom a card.

You (and I!) did more than we were obligated to, and there's no reason to feel guilty. I know what you mean about how you'd never turn your back on anyone needing help in a normal situation, but this isn't normal. And your Mom is fine, she has other people to take care of her.

Focus on you! And doing what you need for a bit. Healthy selfishness is okay. I say that as someone who is trying to learn the same lesson as you are right this very minute. I hope my rambles were helpful, I'm new to this whole process, as well.

[Sitara]

Is NC what you want?  Did you go NC because you want it or because your mom wanted it?

You use a lot of words like:

I thought I did my duty

I got sucked in

I'm done, did my moral duty

I'd encourage you to check out the FOG workshop https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Just looking at what you typed, it seems like you are feeling the effects of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

Sometimes it helps make things easier on me if I pretend my mom was someone else.  For example, I think, if my husband/boss/random person treated me like this, what would I do?  I wouldn't tolerate that behavior from anyone else, so why should she get a pass?  Or perhaps, think, would it be okay if I treated my kids the way my mom treats me?

I would not turn my back on anyone especially family.

Just because they're family does not give them an excuse to abuse you.  You can't make the relationship work alone.  You can only control your half of the relationship.  Can you really "turn your back" on someone who hasn't been there when you needed it?  It's one thing to just randomly stop talking to someone over something minor, quite another when it's a lifetime of emotional abuse.  That's more like "healthy distance."

What do you want? After you figure that out, you can work on finding a realistic solution to get you as close to that as possible. 

[sickandtired2]

Hi makingachange... . I am so sorry you are in the same place.  I was so strong and actually enjoying the peace of NC but this surgery really confused me.  Today is my birthday and after not calling her(or visiting) at all yesterday, I really did not expect any birthday phone call.  Well, she called.  She wished me a happy birthday and we discussed how she was doing.  She seems to be on her best behavior which makes me think she knows that they were out of line.  This is where I don't learn.  She has been on her best behavior in the past but the bad behavior always returns worse than before.  I can't seem to get it through my head that she doesn't(or can't) change her ways.  Like her, your mom had surgery.  I think they definitely use medical crisis to lure us back in.  I really think she was okay with NC for so long because she knew she had the surgery in her "back pocket".    Good luck and stay strong.

Sitara... . I went NC because they announced that they never wanted to see or hear from me again.  I really felt a sense of relief when it happened because it is what I wanted but did not have the guts to do it.  It was the most peaceful 3 1/2 weeks.  Thank you for the information on FOG.  I have heard the term mentioned but never really knew what it meant.  After reading the information, I think it was written about me! LOL  It hit the nail on the head.  I will read more as it helps understand the waves of feelings you go through.

[makingachange]

Yes, I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say "they definitely use medical crisis to lure us back in." It has worked on me for a long time, and after suspecting that this latest surgery of my Mom's was really an unnecessary one designed to get attention, I think I've finally opened my eyes enough to not let her get to me in that way. She tried to FOG me by saying, "You're being so unempathetic to the fact that I could DIE from this surgery!" Sure, every surgery has some risk, but shoulder surgery is rarely life-threatening as she was trying to intimidate me into believing.

I think Sitara's recommendation to look more into FOG is a good one for both of us. I am having the exact same struggle with my Mom. Sorry to hear you have the same, but at least we're in this together, I guess. Bright side? LOL.

[makingachange]

P.S. Happy Birthday!   I hope you were able to enjoy it despite your Mom's drama.

[sickandtired2]

Thank you for the birthday wishes!  I can not tell you how many "life threatening health issues" have come up over my life time.  As a joke,  I went over them and think she has covered every body part!  At her preop appointment with the orthopedist, he said well we can do this now or wait a year and see how you feel then.  That tells me she could have waited.  Went out to dinner with my husband and son tonight(daughter is away at college).  Had a very nice dinner and some wine. I hate to say it, but the wine quiets down the guilt and lets me enjoy my wonderful husband and son.   Thanks for responding.  The understanding sometimes keep you sane!

[Sdmfoster]

It's like health crises are their last resort to get the attention they crave and feel lacking. We foster and had many children have "crises" that required hospital trips   But when they realized that the attention was the same at home (with us) as they got in the hospital (from us) the hospital trips dried up. It's like our BPDs are emotionally stuck in that childhood place of a void of attention and will do anything at all, including subject themselves to medical procedures, to get it!

[sandraD]

I know exactly what you mean about getting sucked back in by guilt.  This mental disorder is so blasted horrible on everyone in the family.  I really hate it so much! I moved over 350 miles away from my mother almost 20 years ago with my children and I rarely go and visit her now that she is elderly and my stepdad has Alzheimers and she uses that to heap the guilt on me all the time.  I have to say that I moved away from her to get away from all of her drama and ugly but I had no idea at the time that we were dealing with a borderline person and I wished I had known then what I know now.  I feel cheated so badly that I did not get away from that when I was a teenager.  Now that she is elderly and alone with my stepdad because my sister moved away and has been living away for a long time too, because I am divorced, she thinks it is my duty to come back and live with them in order to help them out.  She would never ask this of me if I was married and she has all but said that to me.  I have to say that I was thinking about doing that but Christmas changed all of that.  You see she promised that we would have a happy and peaceful Christmas, no fighting no drama with her grandchildren who came to see their grandmother for Christmas.  We had not been there at her house for Christmas in 4 years or longer.  It took her all but 3 days to start criticizing and attempting to control her grandchildren's every move in her house.  Everything got so upsetting that my youngest daughter started crying and ran out of the room.  I had to beg and plead with my kids to go and visit their grandmother for Christmas in the first place and then to have the ugly show up one more time was the final straw for me and my kids.  Well we had it out the other day on the phone about something, probably what she is always trying to do and that is to get me to come back and live in her house and help her and put up with her ugliness and verbal abuse.   She has called me a few times since that but I have not picked up the phone and of course now I am worried that something may be going on, stepdad has gone to the hospital or she has and they need help.  Like I said, I hate this horrible situation so much, I wish that I could have had a normal mother and a dad who cared about me too.  He would escape to clubs and play his guitar at night and leave us there with her angry at him and she would beat on us and hurt us as children.  My life totally sucked big time and to a certain degree it does now too.  I cannot seem to shake the abuse that she instilled on me and my siblings, my brother and sister.  What makes it so much worse is she has bad mouthed me to all of my living relatives and I no longer feel like I can even have a relationship with them either.  She gets to go and be at family reunions and everyone thinks she is just great.  No one from that family ever calls me or even friends me on facebook, I know because I have tried to friend them and they won't do it.  I feel like her behavior has ruined my life and the ironic thing is she goes to church, has friends in church and was a nurse for many years all the time appearing to function very well but just treating her kids and grandkids like crap all the time, with verbal abuse and even attempting physical abuse on me one night when I would not allow her to discipline one of my children.  I had to threaten to call the police on her to stop it.  She slapped my daughter when she was just a 9-month-old baby because she claimed the baby was giving my other daughter an ugly look.  I had made the mistake of going out to the store for some diapers or something and while I was gone she slapped her.  I would never have known about that except my children told me what she had done and then she finally admitted it and then told she she had asked God to forgive her and he had and she did not need to apologize to me for it.  When I think about all of the crap that she has put me and my kids through, I guess I have had amnesia for so long about this but it needs to stop so we all can heal and have some kind of happiness and joy in our lives.  Yes having a borderline mother is a horribly unfair and destructive situation and one I sure wished I had not had to live with but I did and I was always told that being from a Christian home we should always honor our mother and father and I tried but trying to be a good daughter has really made me unhappy and needlessly guilt ridden because her mental problems were not my fault.   I am not sure if anyone can identify with this but I am feeling unhappy and torn of what I should do now.  Borderline mothers are not fun to live with even when they are a lot older, the mental illness does not get better either. 

[Legacymaker]

Happy, happy birthday!   

I wish you didn't have to worry about all the chaos of your mom, but I am proud of you for setting it aside to appreciate the company of your husband and son!

It's like health crises are their last resort to get the attention they crave and feel lacking.

My mother found out a year ago that she has a heart aneurysm. It was discovered quite by accident after they did some tests for heartburn. Definately it was concerning news, but we later found out that the Dr.s had actually discovered it over 4 years ago!  It has only grown slightly in the last year of monitoring (like 1mm) and they won't operate until it becomes 5cm.  It is currently around 3.8cm.  

Every time my mom is around us she makes a dramatic entrance, holding her chest and exclaiming "you know I have an aneurysm"!-Think Sanford & Son for those of you that are older:-)

Last Christmas she had my middle child "diagnosing" her.  He is an EMT and in the 3rd year of his Bachelor's, working towards becoming a P.A., flattering for him but obviously he is not yet qualified to treat her!  A few years ago it was her kidneys, before that a frozen shoulder, migraines, irritable bowel and on and on.  Most of my childhood she was in and out of the hospital with mysterious illnesses.

Most of the health issues are probably legitimate, she just milks them until people quit responding, then she discovers something new to worry about!

I still have some unresolved anger over the fact that neither of them have been there for me through two surgeries to rule out breast cancer.

As far as empathy for your own health issues, I can also relate to that.  Several years ago I lost vision in one eye, feeling in half of my body and I couldn't walk for more than 100 feet without needing a 3 hour nap.  I had severe pain in every organ and truely thought I was going to die.  After nearly two years of specialists and testing, it was finally determined that I have Systemic Lupus, a blood clotting problem and Rheumatoid Arthritis.  Every time I would talk to a friend or family member about the dx, she would contradict me and say that the Dr's didn't know what they were talking about or that I would get over it after menopause (because supposedly, that cured her migraines)!  Yeah, thanks mom... . I'll keep that in mind as I'm take my handfuls of medication, hoping I don't drop dead of a stroke!  

So as you tilt your glass of wine tonight, may you hear me saying:

Cheers to you dear friend.

Cheers to endurance  

Cheers to you for being a survivor (in so many ways)

Cheers to all of us who just seek a hug and the simple words of kindness

May today be a beautiful celebration of all that you are!