Break up - False allegations

[Life18]

I have recently split up with my partner who I believe has traits of BPD. She has edisplayed a number of the the sypmtons throughout our relationship. Highly sensitive, fear of abandonment, excessive jealousy, controlling and manipulative behaviour.

We have been together for approximately 18 months. The last 2 months especially have been a roller coaster to the say the least. As a consequence of our last argument, she has made some extremely malicious, false allegations about me to the police. I have no idea what to do. I've spent a fortune already on legal fees and cannot afford for this to go any further. She has told me that she is going to withdraw the allegations, so all I can do is wait.

It's very worrying, I work in an industry where I cannot afford to have a criminal charge against my name. Has anyone been through this and can offer any advice for me?

[Dragon72]

Well, I can very much sympathise.

My wife left me a month ago. She took our son (5) away and won't let me see him, saying that she thinks I have been sexually abusing him.  I'm a school teacher.  So those allegations if made official and public could be very damaging indeed.

My lawyers have submitted a petition to a judge demanding I get access to my son.  I expect a verdict from the judge in a week or so.  After that it's down to my wife to respond. Which I suspect she will do by making an official allegation of abuse.

I'll let you know how I get on.

[Panda39]

Hi Life18,

Welcome to the BPD Family    I'm sorry about what brings you here.  My significant other (SO) also had false allegations brought against him by his undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw). 

How long ago did you split up?  How often are you in communication with your ex?  Can you tell us a little bit more about her allegations?  What was going on leading up to them?

Just looking to get a little more information about your situation.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[ForeverDad]

I assume there are no children resulting from your relationship?  That you two can stay apart and go your separate ways without years of conflict over jointly owned assets or debts, etc?

Stay out of her way, perhaps she will drop the allegations.  This is not to say you ignore ways to resolve this more in ways more amicable and less confrontational.  And keep monitoring the status.  Is this just with the police or has a court gotten involved?  Obviously, if a court is involved, it is of more serious concern since it has advanced beyond just the initial complaint stage.

Hard to say which way it will go, but perhaps she may want her "pound of flesh".  If it is minor then it might make sense to make a deal.  However, whatever happens... .Never ever make any admission of Guilt.  The law says you cannot be forced to talk or testify against yourself.  So it is best not to make yourself look bad (that is, gift her ammo for later), decline to say anything that makes you look bad, stay quiet.  Repeat, never admit to any Guilt. It could be used against you.

For example, she may demand an apology.  Be careful how you phrase it.  Make sure your defense attorney reviews and approves any proposed solution.
Bad:  "I'm sorry I ___"
Less bad:  "I'm sorry you felt ___ (offended, etc)"  (Felt" indicates subjective perceptions rather than facts.  Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer!)

Once this bad time is past and the conflict fades a bit, don't think you can resume the relationship.  A truism here is, If it has been threatened or even just contemplated, it will happen, give enough time.  In your case, it already happened, so unless she is in serious therapy and making solid progress, getting back with her risks this problem all over again.

Long term, distance and time are your friends.  Do not expect you can maintain a low key continuing relationship in future years.  Do not try for personal or emotional 'closure' from her... .Closure is something you will have to Gift yourself.

[ForeverDad]

As a consequence of our last argument, she has made some extremely malicious, false allegations about me to the police.

As a consequence of our last argument... .Ah, so you fed the conflict.  Likely you were just doing JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain).  That may work with reasonably normal people, eventually, but a person with BPD traits has unbalanced traits and that can instead feed the fire.

It is crucial that going forward you be like meek mild mannered Clark Kent, "Who?  Little innocent me?"  No more heated arguments.  Be as close to angelic as you can be.  Never say or do anything that can be twisted out of context into something abusive, aggressive or threatening.  Just walk away.  The old response behavior is far too risky... .and expensive!

Since it is only in the hands of the police, so far as you know, it hasn't gone nuclear at this point.  If it does then one possible strategy is to determine whether she has made similar allegations in the past about her prior relationships.  If she felt enabled to turn to the police, it's probable she's done this before?  If so, then you take the stance she has a pattern of resolving her relationship problems by involving the police or courts so that she can claim it wasn't her fault.  Denying fault, Blaming and Shifting Blame onto targets are hallmark BPD traits.

[Life18]

Thank you all for your comments. Extremely helpful. Fortunately no kids and just a shared flat to disentangle, so I'm quite fortunate. We separated about 2 weeks ago,  it  has been the most depressing and craziest two weeks of my life.

I suspected that something was not quite right with her but only discovered it could be BPD after speaking with a counsellor about 1 week ago. Unfortunately during arguments,  I have exacerbated the situation by trying to appeal to her logical, rational side. Unbeknown that it was non existent.

I feel like all my hopes and dreams have been obliterated in a heartbeat of extreme madness. I cannot understand  how I could even contemplate getting back with this woman, yet these thoughts and feelings keep surging through my body. I know that time is my friend right now so with patience I will feel better in the future.

My exBPD partner has the usual traits of being highly intelligent, very attractive and actually very caring at times. On the flip side, trivial arguments would become toxic, quickly. The last argument arose because I came home a couple of hours later from work than expected. She made threats about lying to the police. I decided to leave the apartment  and her reasoning for following through on her threat was because she thought I wouldn't come back. I could write a novel on my experience however I don't want to get too much into the detail. Even as I write this it is scary at how this situation has almost become normal to me.

I have been to the police station and heard her statement, it was malicious, evil and a complete fabrication, I find it  deeply upsetting that someone who claimed to love me could do this.

The only comfort I have found is in the blogs and stories of people's experiences with BPD SO so I thank you all for this.

I know that the path to recovery from this experience will be steep, however if anyone else is going through a similar experience do let me know and I'll help where I can.

[Agwis]

I feel for you. My ex blamed me for abuse. The first time she made this allegation was early in our relationship... She slept with another guy and decided to date him. When we were together, I went around in a circular conversation with her about how I wanted to be with her and I finally got annoyed when she stomped around my apartment and I yelled at her to get out. Basically, she was pushing me away. I never had a woman push me away like that. You know put it on me and make me do the dirty work. She then went on and dated that guy. They didn't work out and she came back to me and I was unaware of this stuff at the time. I didn't know at the time. I found out later down the road and that killed my perception of our relationship.

I was naive and 23. I found out, broke up with her, and experienced the threatening of suicide and self-harm stuff. It was nuts. And I was not in a good place, and I needed therapy and should have left, but for some reason in my brain, I thought she was genuinely remorse. She wasn't. It was just a play. And let me tell you... .Having a kid with someone of this character is BRUTAL. Yeah. The loss is real. I watched a Warren Sapp interrogation video on youtube. That explains how quick things could change. His career was ruined because of it. Stay away from those characters.

[david]

My ex charged me with assault. I was found guilty of disorderly conduct and put in jail for two weeks. I did absolutely nothing wrong or illegal. I had to take a leave of absence from my job, school,teacher, for five years until I could get my record expunged. We have kids. When I got out of jail I purchased a small video camera and a small audio recorder. Mt state does not allow recording. I've been yelled at by judges in court and the recordings can not be used in court. I figure if the police are called I can show them the recording and I will not get arrested and charged. My attorney told me to stop recording ex so I started simply pointing the video camera at myself. There is no law against that and my attorney said he could argue that in court.