Father's Day Dilemma: BBQ at the Ex-laws

[Turkish]

When she dropped off the kids today,  my ex said that her family was doing a father's day bbq tomorrow and she asked if I wanted to come.  They were doing it for her dad and her two brothers who became new father's this past year.  No one would mind me the at all. 

The thing is that I don't want to go.  Honestly,  I don't care about father's day (nor have I ever admit my own birthday).  Her dad I certainly gave and still do respect as my elder,  but I never thought about him like a father.  My ex was created in that extremely dysfunctional household and one of her dad's (discovered) affairs was a major trigger for my ex going off the rails 5 years ago. They also failed to protect my kids when they said that then uncle 17 was touching them. They forgave me for calling the cops after a year,  which my T said that they would or at least move past it,  even though I didn't believe him.  I've attendee 2-3 family functions per year since then. 

It's my weekend with the kids.  My ex was also asking me to go out to breakfast Sunday morning.  I demurred. Truthfully,  she bugged me yesterday my being snarky, and with her anxiety,  gave me a hard time for not feeding the kids between lunch and 5 PM. D6 did have a cracker snack. I count on the kids telling me if they are hungry between meals.  Even on a 1 hire drive,  she packs a small convenience store in the car. This will never change.  It doesn't bug me other than when she accuses me of not taking care of them properly. 

Today,  s8 fit on his bike and D6 on her roller blades as we were talking in the driveway.  "Where's S8?" Three houses down on the sidewalk.  ":)6, be careful! You need to watch her!" As if I hadn't been the 4.5 years since she's been gone.  I felt my hackles rise.

Really,  it's the little things that bug me and though we get along and there had been no major drama in the past year,  these little things remind me of his it's better being single dad on my time without Ms. Anxiety on my shoulder, so to speak. 

So I have a right not to go at it isn't about me,  but by not going,  how much of a BPD like hermit am I being? I have nothing against the brothers,  new fathers, and I'm sure they are happy and happy to be validated,  even if I can't relate to it.  With the kids,  it would show a good example,  and be the right thing to do by going.  I'll see my sister-ex-law at the dojo in the morning and she'll likely tell me also.  I'll bite my lip by not saying,  "truthfully,  your sis and I get along better the less I see of her." She's not responsible for me feelings. 

I think I answered my own question by writing this out. 

[Insom]

Are you saying you think you'll go because you think you should even though you don't want to?  How does that make you feel?

[Turkish]

I'm not going to cry about it or go into depression.  Even so,  I don't want to go. 

The dilemma is balancing needs vs. wants vs. doing the right thing.  I really don't care about my ex's views here.  Doing the right thing is one of my core values.  Doing at at the sacrifice of myself is my struggle, being a PSI kid.  I didn't go over last thanksgiving given an invite, for example,  even though I had nothing better going on.  I just couldn't hack celebrating family,  even if my kids were there and her H wasn't there. 

In this instance, it isn't about my ex,  but her dad and brothers. I don't blame the older brother for calling me a mother-effer and suggesting that I molested my own daughter at the time. My ex told me that he said it to her,  he never said it to me.    I can logically understand that reaction.  Over 2 years later he invited me to his new home.  I get it.  Eager under the bridge. I appreciate that he got past it.

So I'm left with feeling like a BPD Waif-hermit. I can get away with not going with the kids at this age.  Older? I might have to explain it.  As a PSI kid, I'm kind of trained to feel responsible for the feelings of others.  I also over analyze things.  I'll definitively send a message by not showing up.  The family definitely showed me grace, especially when my ex left me,  but in the end, blood in,  blood out.  I get that. 

So I'm left with am I just being a stubborn bastid. Not going would definitely send a message to a family who is doing a normal family function. In reality, it editor be no big deal and I could handle my ex's anxiety. There will be plenty of people there I actually like.  And what example will I set for the kids,  who will be unaware of this?

[gotbushels]

Turkish  

So I have a right not to go at it isn't about me,  but by not going,  how much of a BPD like hermit am I being?

I don't think going or not going has a bearing on you being like a BPD hermit. After all hermits do the hermit thing out of their BPD, compulsion, fear, and ignorance of health. Correspondingly, you aren't BPD; you choosing (not compulsion) not to go is based on your progress through years of figuring out what is good for you and your children; you seem to make your choices based on desire for good health rather than irrational fear.

In my mind, whoever you think a BPD waif-hermit might be to you, or do, or should or shouldn't do, that's not you. So why persecute yourself with their issues? I don't know if that rings true for you so I want to share this. Someone asked me once "who is rushing you?" when it came to a sales quota--and that was tremendously releasing for me. It released me because it helped me see there's often no one there with a stick in a given situation.

To me, the question seems 'do you want to go because you actually want to or you think you should?'

The thing is that I don't want to go. 

Even so,  I don't want to go. 

You said you don't want to go. It seems to me that there's not much benefit for you relationally. Moreover if you spent this much time separating your children and promoting your children's wellbeing, it also seems to me a slide backward based on a social gathering.

Some perspective... .to give your children a voice here, there might not be much benefit relationally for them either. You've already spoken to the environment of your ex's family. Yes, things may be peaceful for now, no one is calling people names etc., and one thing we seem to learn on the board here is that dynamics have tendencies to persist over years even though we don't observe then. I think don't let the peaceful times obscure the record of what the dynamics are. That helps me because I think I made that mistake more than once.

Something else you can consider is celebrating the day yourself, treat yourself, with the company of your children. You're a father after all. You're the closest family your kids have. If you really need an excuse to treat yourself, you have a nationally recognised occasion for it. To me, that's one way you can show a good example and do the right thing without going.

Moreover if non-nuclear family is that important to you, you can also organise your own gathering on another occasion on your own terms.

I don't have and don't know what the right answer is here. There were public occasions where I could be "expected" to attend. I chose not to and asserted what I wanted and why, politely. It rewarded me and I haven't had to look back.

[GaGrl]

Turkish, I think you spend too much time with your ex as it is.  And way too much time at ex's family activities.

It's your Father's Day. Spend it the way you want. If that's a quiet day at home enjoying your fatherhood, so be it!

[Harri]

 

The family definitely showed me grace, especially when my ex left me,

*They* showed you grace?  Define grace in this context. 

And what example will I set for the kids,  who will be unaware of this?

You will set the example that it is not okay to molest a child and let another witness it.  It is not okay to deny abuse and accuse a child of lying about it.  It is not okay to deny abuse and claim it was you who molested your own child.  That inviting the person you did this to to an event 2 years later does not mean everything is okay.  It is not okay to try to carry on as if nothing happened.

I am not saying to carry on the conflict but seriously it seems you are still looking at this through a lens of guilt and you have done nothing to warrant guilt.  Your comment about grace, forgiving you, understanding the brothers disgusting accusation... .IMO *this* is where your PSI traits are rearing their misguided and ugly distortions making it okay by attending an event you do not want to go to with the kids on your day which happens to be fathers day.

Has your exes family really shown you grace or are they simply expecting you to go along with things as they try to hide serious dysfunction and carry on like nothing happened?

[Panda39]

FOG... .I think you're over analyzing here.  It's Father's Day, it's your day with the kids spend it with them.  

I'm gonna be honest there seems to be a lot of interaction with your ex and her family for someone who is divorced to me.  Yes you share children and these folks are their family but you don't need to attend all of these functions or  spend time with your ex if you don't want to.

How do you think all of this interaction, contact, involvement with your ex and her family affect you?  :)o you feel detached from your relationship?  I know you aren't looking for a new relationship now, but is the relationship with your ex keeping you too involved with her too be open to someone else? I guess I wonder how you see the relationship with your ex?  Because I see you playing "husband" (and sometimes "daddy" a lot with her.
  
Panda39

[Turkish]

Good call on pointing it out through the PSI lens.  I think that's what I was going for.  

Yep. People at church think we're married.  Other parents at the dojo think we are.  Another father this morning referred to her as "your wife."

Her sister did ask me this morning but in a cautious tone likely thinking I wouldn't go. I skipped Thanksgiving and Christmas invites last year.

I decided not to go before I came back to read the responses by Harrington and The Pandanator  

Trying to get the kids through showers then we'll go to the bookstore and later the park.  Nice day here... .

[zachira]

You really want to to do what is right for your children because you love them more than anybody in the world. Your ex seems to want to have a relationship with you without any of the responsibilities involved, because you are a convenient target being the father of her children. Remember that women are often comfortable in relationships without a sexual relationship whereas men really are not comfortable with just being friends with a woman they are interested in sexually. I agree with the others that you are spending far too much time with your ex. You clearly are not comfortable going to your ex's family for Father's Day, and that makes sense based on everything you have said. Have a Happy Father's Day and bask in the love you feel for your children and being a great dad under the most difficult of circumstances.

[Panda39]

LOL... .this is just wrong... .




Have a wonderful day with your kiddos! 

Panda39... .the Pandanator!

[Harri]

Pandanator, you kill me!

Thanks for hearing me Turkish. 

[gotbushels]

I am not saying to carry on the conflict but seriously it seems you are still looking at this through a lens of guilt and you have done nothing to warrant guilt.  Your comment about ... .

Wow Harri    
The voice of reason. Thanks for putting your post so well.  

[Turkish]

Beagle voice of reason 

I still feel as if I've insulted someone (s). My ex texted me just before 5PM.

"Just curious if you are coming to my parents?"

"No."

No follow up,  "how are the kids?" Which is usually triggered by her anxiety, sometimes,  "I had a feeling about D6... .is everything ok?"

I've told her so many times it was OK to call them once a day to say hi or on the evening,  but she almost never does unless she "has a feeling." I stopped telling her.  It really wouldn't bother me at all but maybe she thinks it does? I stopped trying to understand it a while ago. 

We didn't make barns and Nobel today.  Had to take them to work for half an hour when my boss called that the network was down.  We had good Vietnamese food for lunch.  Stopped by the hardware store to get low flow faucet inserts because my son likes to blast the water no matter how many times I tell him not to.  Went to the park.  Watched a movie on Netflix. 

Tomorrow after church we'll go to the 1 of 2 Barns and Noble left in town.  Kids want to go to Togo's for lunch.  Fine with me.  I have them Monday also and will resist taking them to Eirik with me like I did Thursday.  Monday morning I'll take them to a nice breakfast place for my father's day meal. 

I know their mom means well in her way. Still think I'm being a bit of a Waif, a little depressed today.  I still miss her being around,  but maybe more the idea of her being around, rather that her specifically.

[gotbushels]

  good to have reasonable people.  

Still think I'm being a bit of a Waif, a little depressed today.  I still miss her being around,  but maybe more the idea of her being around, rather that her specifically.

Turkish I still genuinely don't see how relaxing on Sunday is being the Waif. I'm also not sure if you're joking.  

You feel sad why anyway btw?

[Insom]

Congrats on what sounds like a fun/normal day with the kiddos yesterday.    

I'm with gotbushels.  Where are you coming from with Waif?

[Turkish]

Perhaps being viewed as attention/ drama seeking.

[Insom]

Perhaps being viewed as attention/ drama seeking.

Does it feel like drama-seeking to decline an invitation because you'd rather spend time on your own?

[Turkish]

It sends a message "drop everything for family." I still identify too much with their family dynamic. 

[zachira]

You are right on about the drop everything for the family dynamics, which basically says your feelings and who you are as an individual don't matter at all: Just do what the family wants and say what they want to hear. In your case, these people are no longer family and they seem to refuse to recognize that. In healthy families when there is a divorce, there is a renegotiation of the boundaries and the relationships because the ex is still connected to the family if there are dependent children involved yet no longer a member of the immediate family in the way that he/she was before. Maybe you want to think about what kind of relationships you want to have with the family members of your ex wife and talk about it with her, or maybe some of them. You may feel differently about certain members of her family, want some contact with some of them, and maybe just want as little contact as possible with the whole tribe except when the contact in someway benefits your children or is unavoidable.

[Turkish]

My buddy at work who was married to a very likely pwBPD over 15 years ago told me today,  "what's wrong with going to an event where someone wants to honor you as a father?" Well when he put it that way I briefly felt like an ass. He knows everything,  and also that in on this site, having given me his copy of SWOE at the same time I landed here.  I guess everyone has different opinions.  

[Insom]

Well when he put it that way I briefly felt like an ass.

Ouch.  I can relate to a lot of what you've written here about the tension you feel between knowing your own mind/knowing what you want and feeling obligated to do something else.

Do you know what your attitude is toward your own wants/needs?  Is it typically easy for you to state what you want like you did in your first post in this thread:  "The thing is that I don't want to go."  Or do you struggle to be able to state things like that?

[Turkish]

My attitude is that I can do most for myself.  If I need help I'll ask. The conflict is when wants/needs cross those of others, threat is, when I have to make a choice between the two. 

[Insom]

The conflict is when wants/needs cross those of others, threat is, when I have to make a choice between the two.

I hear that.  Can I support you by suggesting you weight "wants" over "shoulds" for awhile and see how that goes?  In my experience, when I listen to what I want, it fine tunes my system and helps me make better decisions going forward.  And when I ignore what I want I too easily slip into feeling foggy/indecisive/resentful/passive-aggressive and so on.