Scared I've lost my adored son

[Bagpuss]

Hello everyone,

I'm here because I'm terrified.  I have a much-loved adult son who has just recently left home and in the last month he has shut me completely out of his life.  He won't answer phone calls, text messages or emails.  He cut me right out of Christmas and the New Year. 

I don't really understand what has set this off but he seems to have really turned against me.  I didn't know anything about BPD until this week - after he abruptly left home after our first ever argument (which was about him leaving home, so I can see I made that difficult for him) I found some papers from the local mental health service illustrating BPD, and until then I thought he was being treated for anxiety; he'd had recurrent and long term problems with that.  I only read up on it to see if it could offer any insight into what's happening now.

I'm really hurt and finding it difficult to cope with the cruelty and suddenness and totality of this.  It came out of nowhere. It's like I've been painted as the enemy in his head.

I'm doing what I can to look after my own mental health - but I am grieving for my son, for the end of family life, and apparently the end of our relationship full stop.  I don't know what I should do to try and put right whatever it is that I have done wrong.  Can any mums or dads please tell me if they recognise the situation and what can be done?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[NorthernGirl]

Hello Bagpuss and welcome 

I'm sorry you are so terrified by your son's actions. It must have made your holiday season very difficult. I'm glad you found our site as you can connect with people here who understand your feelings.

I suggest you post and read the Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board. You will get support there, plus get some information that will help deal with all the feelings you have now.

Has your son ever shut you out like this before? Have you noticed any of the behaviors related to BPD? You can learn more about BPD watching this video, if you haven't already What is BPD (48 minute video). We have much more information on this site, including tips for communicating with someone with the disorder.

Please don't assume you have done anything wrong. Your son may have been triggered by something but that doesn't mean you are to blame.

Please keep posting and sharing your story. The more time you spend here the more you'll realize you are not alone.

[lever.]

Hello Bagpuss 

I do hope that you will join us on the parent's board. There are other people there who have experienced being suddenly "cut off" by adult children.

I had a lot of help and support there this time last year when my daughter told me that I would not see her or her children again.

Do you have any means of communicating with your son (e.g. e-mail) even if he doesn't respond?

I found letting my daughter know I was still there without putting her under pressure to contact me helped.

Sometimes with BPD these situations change rapidly-after 5 months my daughter started to communicate with me. The communication at first was full of anger and people on the parent's board provided a good sounding board for how to respond.

I also found it very helpful to read "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr, which has a chapter on repairing relationships.

Sometimes non contact lasts longer and there is a lot of support on the parent's board with looking after yourself.

[Bagpuss]

Thanks NorthernGirl and Lever, it's so kind of you to talk to me about this.

I have an email address for my son but he is not responding to that.  His mobile phone goes straight to voicemail if I try calling him and I suspect he has blocked my numbers.  I have sent him a few text messages too.

It isn't the first time he has completely cut me off like this; the first time was a few months ago when he basically ran away to his dad's for a couple of weeks and would not speak to me.  I think it's all to do with him wanting to move out and live independently (I made it hard, in hindsight, as I did cry a lot about it and tried to negotiate with him to delay his departure a little while, which he refused - I came home from work and found all his stuff gone, which was pretty hard to bear). 

One thing that may be a clue is that in one text message that he did reply to I said how much I was missing him and mlore or less begging him to contact me - he said I was emotionally manipulative.  I didn't see it in quite that way, but looking at it with a little more understanding of BPD from reading your pages I can see that what I think are lovely expressions of loving him and wanting to see him are not a pleasant little gift that is nice to receive, but something painful.  I have no idea how to go forward.  We were exceptionally close, this is the last relationship I would ever have thought would be broken and I have put everything into his health and happiness, so I feel as though all the struggle down all those years has been for nothing.    I know he is basically a very good person and don't think he would hurt me for no reason but I am deeply concerned about the way things are going and lack the insight to know how to deal with it!  I would really welcome help, thank you so much.

[lever.]

Hi Bagpuss

I think any emotional pressure is likely to drive him further away.

The message which prompted my DD to respond to me was

"If you feel less stressed without me in your life I accept that-I want you to be happy.

If you do want to talk anytime I will still be here".

Try to give him a bit of space and control any impulse to message frequently.

In the meantime perhaps stand back a little and evaluate your own life. What hobbies, interests and friendships would you like to cultivate?

[MammaMia]

Bagpuss

Can you please tell us more about your situation?

How old is your adult son?  Is he employed, in school, or both?  Has he ever lived on his own or with friends? Can you identify a specific reason why are you so fearful of his moving out?  

We look forward to hearing from you.

[Bagpuss]

Bagpuss

Can you please tell us more about your situation?

How old is your adult son?  Is he employed, in school, or both?  Has he ever lived on his own or with friends? Can you identify a specific reason why are you so fearful of his moving out?  

Hi MammaMia,

He is 23, employed, and is now living with friends of the same age in a shared house.  It's not so much that I am fearful of his moving out, but that there was just the two of us and he was my whole family.   Looking after him has been a way of life forever and suddenly he's not there any more. 

My fears are for the ongoing relationship.  He's become hostile in a way he never used to be and is refusing all contact.  It's like he's had a personality transplant, it just isn't the person I know.  I have no idea how to relate to this new personality and he isn't giving me any clues.  I'm starting to feel resigned to it, it's the latest in a very long run of problems over very many years and at least this one isn't being played out under my roof, but he is still my son and I still love him.  I just feel helpless about the situation. 

[MammaMia]

Bagpuss

I suspect your son is "flexing his wings" and is eager for independence.  The age certainly fits.  He wants to be just like his friends.

I agree with Lever.  He needs time and space.  Be there for him, but do not be aggressive about it.  I understand he has been your world, but sometimes we have to put the needs of others before our own.  Sometimes we fail to recognize our babies are now grown and need privacy and freedom from us.  What we perceive as unconditional love, they perceive as smothering. 

I also agree that the more space you give him, the sooner he will reconnect.  You have a special bond and it works both ways.  Respect his needs, and he will respect yours.  He may soon tire of the craziness of living with other young adults, so be sure not to close the door on him.

Being a parent is hard work and we need to learn when to back off and let the chips fall where they may.  It is all part of growing up.  Now would be a good time to adjust your focus onto yourself and do some of the things you have always wanted to do.  Volunteer.  You sound like a "giver" and there are so many needy people in this world who would love your companionship. 

Above all, do not feel guilty.  Every child struggles with independence.  It is the natural order of life.  You are his mother and he will never stop loving you.  Remember that.  The rules of the game are just changing, that is all.

[heronbird]

Hi Bagpuss,

How are things now, I only just read your post, I realised it was a few days ago now, I know how unpredictable BPD is, I also know how quickly things can change. It might be helpful for you to remember that, we all forget this in the heat of the moment, we are all so sad and heart broken for our lovely sons/daughters.

If I could help you, I would say, remember less is more, so when you do speak to your son it would overwhelm him if you go into detail. Also, don't ask why, I learnt that first of all.

When I look at all the dysfunctional things my daughter ever did, there is only one ever reason for it, it was to try to make herself feel better, which is so sad really. She regrets it, but I do understand.

She did run away from home when she was about 16 and seem really mad at me, I didn't know anything about BPD then. I was massively hurt, not only that I was terrified for her, I heard reports she was with tramps on the street.

she will talk about that now, says she wanted to take on that identity, even wore the clothes to look like a tramp. Fortunately that only lasted two weeks.

One of the many books I have read is called  "I hate you, please don't leave me" gosh, doesn't that sum them up. Your son really loves you, he is in so much turmoil he cant help it.

If you fancy reading a book, the one that helped me the most, is called  Overcoming BPD, by Valerie Porr.

I am amazed and impressed that you found this board so quickly, and are seeking help. That is so brilliant, it took me a while to find this board, and it was such a support to me.

Once you understand BPD, you will feel stronger. Then learning how to work with the problems help so much too, and you will restore your relationship.

Validation is one of the best things for them. Look up validation, this board has lots of good. That's the first step.

Id say, I have a good relationship with my daughter now, we are close, and I know how to reduce conflict now so that always helps.

Keep us posted and I am very sorry for what you have been going through.

Try to look after yourself, do something for you

[lever.]

The task of early adulthood is to establish independence from our family of origin.

I think that sometimes when a young adult has been very close to a parent they feel very conflicted about this and so make extreme stabs at independence-which can be hurtful to the parent.

Underlying this your son has a very close relationship with you and I do think that if you keep a light touch in your dealings with him and allow him to feel separate he will be back.

The relationship may be different but you will still love each other.

Be careful of making him feel smothered or obligated towards you-it could make him fight hard for freedom.

It has taken me a long time to learn to stand back more.

In the meantime I think he would be happy to see you building your own life positively and it would give you things to discuss with him and ask his adult opinion. It could be a time of learning and adventure for you too.

[Bagpuss]

Hi, I'm really grateful Heronbird, Lever and MammaMia for the wise words.  It's been keeping me awake at night that I may have had the last ever contact with my son - the thought that he might not have stopped loving me just because he won't permit any contact right now is an oasis of comfort, at a time when life has suddenly become pretty bleak.

I can certainly understand why it would be more fun to live with a bunch of people of his own age than his middle aged Mum. 

I've found out how amazing my close friend is; she has given me so much support at a time when I couldn't cope.  By contrast, I've learned how unsupportive and lacking in empathy most of my family of origin are - that's been an absolute eye-opener.

You've given me a crumb of hope, thank you so much.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heronbird]

Oh dear, only a crumb of hope, Im so sorry, things sound really hard for you right now. I know it will get better. He is probably thinking that this is making him feel better, he will soon realise it isn't. Hopefully this wont last, it often does not.

Its hard waiting, but I had to just sit and wait. It feels so helpless.

Don't take it personally Bagpuss, its not about you, it really isn't. They often blame us for things. I learnt to just say sorry, make it heart felt and they seem to be ok for a while, anyway.

Night time, when you cant sleep, do some mindfulness, it really helps. It wont come easy, a lot of people are uncomfortable with it at first, but it works. You will feel relaxed.

I noticed my close friends were not as supportive as other friends, its really interesting what you learn.

[MammaMia]

Bagpuss

I wonder if you are not experiencing separation anxiety.  

Take a deep breath and try to remain calm.  Sometimes as parents we go into panic mode and assume things are worse than they really are because we are not in control. Yes, we have all been there.  Our identity is closely tied to years and years of training ourselves to be caregivers, and when our children start to take more responsibility, we feel as if they no longer need us.  That is just not true.

Relax, think good thoughts, and get some sleep.  You will feel better.