22 yo D, 2 years into recovering from BPD, very hopeful

[Eggdad]

2 years ago I was hopeless. Our then 20 yo D had been DXed with major depression one year earlier, antidepressants and therapy having little results and not stopping her cutting and constant suicidal thoughts, my wife was on medical leave for burnout, our 16 yo son had substance abuse and judicial problems. Being home was like living in a minefield. Then my wife's therapist said the words that changed all our lives: "have you considered your daughter may have borderline personality disorder?" Border what?

Seems like a lifetime ago. We learned about BPD, especially how to validate and D accepted the DX with relief and skittishly accepted to work at getting better. It's been a rocky ride as we lovingly moved our D out of our house and into her own apartment for everyone's sake, she ran into many brick walls while I spent sleepless nights restraining myself from rescuing her from her bad decisions. She has aborted therapies with 3 different therapists and been kicked out of a DBT group. After leaving her last therapist 4 months ago my D told me that despite the problems with her therapists, each therapy was useful for her. At this point she is able to explain to me what goes on in her mind when she is in crisis and she lashes out at me. I will post her explanation later, it is fascinating.

She is about to start with a new therapist. Now, 2 years later, she went from having daily emotional crisis to having less than one per month. Wy D and my wife can spend a whole evening together enjoying each other's company, they couldn't be in the same room for two minutes before. D finished her last college course and now studies part time at the university. She has had a nice steady bf for over a year and he moved in with her a few months ago. Our son, now 18, has benefited from a less stressful home and has gotten his act together. I'm looking forward to 2015.

There are still challenges ahead, I figure another two years before my D is recovered enough that BPD will become a background difficulty to be aware of and she can prioritize other aspects of her life.

I'm joining this group to learn as much as I can to help her along the way and also to share with others what I have learned.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

I am reading your post and it is kind ironic because I said the very words today. I said out loud maybe we should move our daughter out of our home and let her live on her own. My dad is 17 and I don't really think this is what she needs right now.

Can you tell me are you still paying for rent and expenses? Does your dd have a drug problem? How did you transition her?

Seems like a very positive change. Thanks for sharing

[Kwamina]

Hi Eggdad

Welcome to bpdfamily and thanks for sharing your story! BPD can be a very tough disorder to deal with so it's great to read that your daughter has steadily been improving and has found her therapy useful.

You mention that there are still challenges ahead and knowing the reality of BPD, I'd say you're probably right. At this point in time, what do you consider to be the main issues concerning your daughter's behavior that need to be addressed? Are there specific issues you would like to discuss here and/or get advice on?

When it comes to dealing with BPD, knowledge truly is power so I definitely believe you're doing the right thing by trying to learn as much as you can

[TopsyTurvy]

Eggdad

Thanks so much for sharing your story! Sounds like your daughter has made real progress.

Sometimes it is easy to lose hope that our loved one with BPD will ever get better. Stories like this give me hope to keep fighting the fight.

[Eggdad]

Jellibeans, yes we still pay her rent, Internet and monthly public transport pass. We also pay all expenses related to medication and therapy. For the rest she has money from a scholarship fund which we supplement as the fund doesn't cover all her expenses.

This works for us because she doesn't use drugs and is responsible in managing money. She wants to become financially autonomous but knows she's not there yet.

17 is pretty young, I don't think my D would have been able to live alone at that age. Even at 20 yo she found it tough. To be honest, our main motivation when we moved her out was to preserve the rest of the family, especially my wife. Once the decision to move her out was taken, we tried to find how to do it in the way that was more optimal for her, trying to help without enabling.

[jellibeans]

I agree Eggdad... .17 is a bit too young but I do see this in her future. I just wondered how you managed it. Sounds like your dd is doing well. I do think the older they get the better and they are able to mature more and take on more responsibilities. I am currently looking for a RTC for my dd and I am hoping that this kind of independence from us will also give her the confidence to think in a more mature way and she consider her future and start making the righ choices. Thank you for sharing.

[Eggdad]

I'll give you a little history so you can understand the context of dd moving out.

Dd has had serious emotional problems since she was 7 yo, but we only learned about BPD when she was 20. Dd and I have always enjoyed a great relationship even through her toughest times. When she lashed out at me in crisis mode I never took it personally because I saw it as a sign of her pain. In pre-BPD days however my reactions to her crisis were invalidating (you shouldn't feel like that) and enabling (I tried to fix all her problems). My wife was in constant conflict with dd. My wife and I resented each other's way of dealing with her. Dd started cutting at 14 but we didn't notice until she was 16. She would cut on the bottom of her right calf with a razor blade and keep it hidden by wearing socks.

Our nonBPD son, 3 years younger than dd, started smocking pot at 13 yo and got hooked right away. The toxic atmosphere at home certainly played a big part in that. In the following years we had the typical drug related problems with him: lying, steeling, running out during nights, aggressive behavior, problems with police.

At 19 yo dd was in the 2nd year of a 2 year college program when she had her worse breakdown yet that was diagnosed as major depression. She accepted to drop half her classes and finish college part-time while starting antidepressants and seeing a therapist. Getting her to accept medication and therapy was a two month war with her. After 7 months of therapy dd stopped because she felt it was not helping her anymore. She was still cutting, couldn't maintain stable relations and had daily suicidal thoughts. It was another 6 months before we learned about BPD. By then my wife had told me she couldn't keep living in the same house as dd, dd wanted to move out but had no idea how she could do it and I knew she couldn't handle living alone. The BPD diag permitted us to unlock this impossible situation. Dd saw herself as sick instead of evil and worthless and had hope that BPD specific therapy could help her. I learned about valiudation and enabling. In agreement with my wife, we offered to pay for an apartment so she could move out and have her own space. It would avoid the daily conflicts between her and her mother and brother. It would also put distance between dd and me so I couldn't keep rescuing here at every turn. It was presented to dd as a win-win situation. We were also all aware of the potential that this would trigger dd's abandonment issues.

The move went very well. Did had had a few sessions with a DBT trained therapist by that time and had learned some trick to control her cutting. The first week I went to see her every other day. Then, one week into her new apartment, a couple as her friends had an emergency and needed as place to crash for a few weeks until they could find another apartment. Dd agreed to this. I just knew it was as recipe for disaster but decided to not intervene and let dd deal with the consequences of her decision. Fast-forward three weeks later, dd was picked up twice by police and ambulance and taken to ER for being out of control, she has lost all her friends and couldn't finish her last college course.

It took her many months to get over it but interestingly, that shock treatment followed by other milder ones that followed tought her to be more responsible in her decision making. I spent countless sleepless nights at home imagining the difficulties she was having, restraining myself from doing the 20 minute drive to her apartment. My wife and I still had many disagreements on the amount of help I should give her. The apartment was a mess, kitchen overflowing with dirty dishes, clothes covering the bedroom and living room floors, bathroom constantly dirty. At least dd was not aware anymore of our disagreements, and my wife holding me back was beneficial as I would have done too much.

It's now been a year and a half that dd moved into her apartment. She's doing a lot better, especially at dealing with her emotions. She still has a huge mental block when she needs to contact someone for anything formal, university, psychiatrist, therapist, landlord, etc. She can't get herself to apply for jobs. That's here next big challenge.

I tried to keep it short, don't think I succeeded at that  .

When I think of your dd, I try to imagine how I would deal with someone who shows my dd's BPD along with my son's drug problem, and to be honest it seems overwhelming. Both these problems has it's own set of communication hurdles. Each problem stands in the way of getting effective therapy for the other. I hope your dd and you will find help and a way out of the maze. One thing that has worked for both dd and son has been to let them mature and learn from their mistakes, while repeating at every turn that we love them. And therapy.