Need advice on a specific incident with uBPDh

[DreamFlyer99]

... . so that's what i'm gonna ask for!

A typical situation for me with my uBPDh of 37 years is for him to promise something, it doesn't happen like it was "supposed" to and I am so nervous about how to respond and i'm worked up and not calm and end up blurting some stupid thing that makes it worse... .

for instance, dumb little thing, but I had surgery a week ago. on the weekend he promised to go get me a certain donut i'd been wanting (I can't drive yet) then what I had understood (?) was he would come home bringing something for all of us, the two of us plus our adult son who still lives at home (aNOTHer story altogether!) and we'd have coffee and chat.

First: he gets up (9 am), says he's going to go to the donut place "but first i'm going to have a cup of coffee." This turned out to mean "a cup of coffee and an hour reading the news and Facebook." I suspected the donuts would be quite picked over by this time, but at 10 am he leaves. By 11 am he has still not returned so I go to lay down and rest. He comes home, says "they were out of those but I got something else, and by the way I ran into so-and-so and he was so glad to see me, he really needed to talk." Then he gets affectionate, rare for him, leading MY mind to say 'ah, he knows he should have done it differently and is hoping giving the rare affection I crave will make amends.' But still I am irritated, blurt something stupid, so he walks out of the room and so on and so forth... .

I see several things about myself here: I am still surprised when things don't go the way I thought they should. ? And I expect him to "get it" after all, he's a grownup, right?

And I have the feeling I should have "set the scene" for him somehow, because he doesn't have great boundaries and other people and situations that make him feel good will naturally have priority over stuff with me. SO much work!  

Also, obviously I should not have blurted, but what should I have done?

Thoughts?

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[Grey Kitty]

Hmmm... . one of the toughest situations to deal with is a "I wish you had X"

At that point, it is too late to get what you asked for; all the person who didn't do "X" can do is feel bad for not doing it, or try to do a better job next time.

And if that person is a pwBPD, they are just about guaranteed to feel bad about it when you point it out.

I see a few things irritating for you here: First, there is the broken promise, and second, there is the wrong (and delayed) donut, and third there is the lack of chatting over coffee and donuts when he returned.

Can you say what mix of those is really bugging you?

[bruceli]

As stated in many of the other threads... . always have a plan B... . even for donuts... .

[MaybeSo]

Focus on what you DO have, and always have options/alternatives. Having a movie in our head about how something SHOULD be causes suffering.

[AnitaL]

I have done this too, usually after extremely disappointing birthday or Mother's Day behavior on my uBPDh's part, despite coaching myself ahead of time not to expect anything I didn't plan out myself in advance.  

I think it might have helped to make a specific plan/request -- like "the donuts tend to be picked over by 10am -- do you think you could get there before then?  Then we can all sit and chat over coffee afterwards."  Then if he still didn't get it, after he said he'd "have coffee first" before getting your donut, that could have been another opportunity to calmly let him know you'd hoped all of you could have coffee together with your donuts, so could he possibly wait until after?  I don't know how your H would react to that, but for mine that would likely be a better outcome since I am making my needs clear and it's in his court now to help me or not.  Also, he'd have the trip to the donut shop to get some space and come back with any angry feelings dissipated.  

These things are never as easy as we wish they'd be  .  Hang in there and give yourself a break too -- you just had surgery after all!

[Chosen]

It's a tough situation to be in.  As Grey Kitty said, by the time he came home and didn't get the doughnuts, it was too late to do anything.  But then if you had "reminded" him earlier, he would think you're nagging/ distrust him.  I don't know if your H would react to that, but I know mine will.

I guess the first thing to adjust will be your expectations.  It's not fair and it's very hard, but you have to expect that he may not do whatever he promised (less disappointment there).  Then, for the next time, you may also be more specific, as AnitaL suggested.  Say you plan for the doughnuts to be breakfast, and let him know.  Of course, they may not appear during breakfast time (or at all), but at least your H can't wiggle out of that responsibility.  

Us nons blurting out anything usually makes thing worse, unfortunately.  If they already feel bad, then they will try to make it 10x worse for us, making it seem like our request was unreasonable in the first place, or maybe that friend *really* needed a talk so why are you so selfish and just thinking about what you want?  (Just stepping into my dysregulated H's shoes here).  Usually, if I'm disappointed about something, I've realised that if I "remind" him more than twice he will start to get irritated.  So now I usually just remind him once or twice and leave it at that  

[DreamFlyer99]

Thanks to all of you who didn't mock me about my "need" for donuts!  AND for the very helpful suggestions.

Hmmm... . one of the toughest situations to deal with is a "I wish you had X"

At that point, it is too late to get what you asked for; all the person who didn't do "X" can do is feel bad for not doing it, or try to do a better job next time.

And if that person is a pwBPD, they are just about guaranteed to feel bad about it when you point it out.

I see a few things irritating for you here: First, there is the broken promise, and second, there is the wrong (and delayed) donut, and third there is the lack of chatting over coffee and donuts when he returned.

Can you say what mix of those is really bugging you?

He did (feel bad, but his way is to act like he's a puppy I just kicked and mope and stick his lip out... . ) Which of the mix, you ask? The whole thing! That package, since it plays out in SOO many versions over time. And the thing was, he actually expressed that he was looking forward to our time together too "but usually it would be okay" if he did something entirely different. Truth? I just used to not say anything and choke it down, and that just made me physically ill.

As stated in many of the other threads... . always have a plan B... . even for donuts... .

As usual, you made me laugh! I know this is probably true, but dang it, I wanted that apple fritter! So, what would be a Plan B?

Focus on what you DO have, and always have options/alternatives. Having a movie in our head about how something SHOULD be causes suffering.

Oh TRUTH. However, I didn't want what he brought, I wanted the one I only get on birthdays and such! My mistake was to assume I deserved to be spoiled after having surgery--oh, and thinking that he knew what I expected.

What would be options/alternatives? i'm just learning and I need concrete ideas to help me understand (if you don't mind!)

I have done this too, usually after extremely disappointing birthday or Mother's Day behavior on my uBPDh's part, despite coaching myself ahead of time not to expect anything I didn't plan out myself in advance.  

I think it might have helped to make a specific plan/request -- like "the donuts tend to be picked over by 10am -- do you think you could get there before then?  Then we can all sit and chat over coffee afterwards."  

These things are never as easy as we wish they'd be  .  Hang in there and give yourself a break too -- you just had surgery after all!

HEY! That's my life you just described--the Mother's Day thing, etc.! I have actually sat down my husband and son who's still at home and explained that very issue to them. My son got it, my husband... . well... . he did NOTHING (for various excuses) until weeks later, and then thought I would be thrilled. But then, the BPD don't seem to be able to look at things from the view of "how do I like this to go for MY special occasions?"

Okay--your set-up thoughts, very helpful! and I think non-offensive (so much better than blurting.  )

And I DID--I did just have surgery! I told him a couple of days later, "I love that you care about people, it's just that I was feeling like I should get spoiled cuz I just had surgery, and I was really looking forward to that time together. And the apple fritter." (expectations he did not know I had.)

It's a tough situation to be in.  As Grey Kitty said, by the time he came home and didn't get the doughnuts, it was too late to do anything.  But then if you had "reminded" him earlier, he would think you're nagging/ distrust him.  I don't know if your H would react to that, but I know mine will.

I guess the first thing to adjust will be your expectations.  It's not fair and it's very hard, but you have to expect that he may not do whatever he promised (less disappointment there).  Then, for the next time, you may also be more specific, as AnitaL suggested.  Say you plan for the doughnuts to be breakfast, and let him know.  Of course, they may not appear during breakfast time (or at all), but at least your H can't wiggle out of that responsibility.  

Us nons blurting out anything usually makes thing worse, unfortunately.  If they already feel bad, then they will try to make it 10x worse for us, making it seem like our request was unreasonable in the first place, or maybe that friend *really* needed a talk so why are you so selfish and just thinking about what you want?  (Just stepping into my dysregulated H's shoes here).  Usually, if I'm disappointed about something, I've realised that if I "remind" him more than twice he will start to get irritated.  So now I usually just remind him once or twice and leave it at that  

You guys are right, the time had passed, my window of opportunity to make clear what I wanted had already slammed closed on my fingers... . and it's true, if I adjust my expectations, which I've been in the process of doing, then I will not have false hope in an outcome I cannot determine.

"making it seem like our request was unreasonable in the first place... . why are you so selfish and just thinking what you want?" OH TRUTH INDEED. I didn't know you lived in my house, but... .  And you're right about the clarity--like what Anita said. All great points!

[Grey Kitty]

Next step: Work on radical acceptance. (We have a workshop on it in the lessons ------>> >>  ) In other words, expecting him to actually go out on time and get your favorite donut is setting yourself up for disappointment and him for failure.

He isn't very good at meeting your needs.

Careful communications on your part are required to get him to meet most any of them.

In many cases, you will be better off if you seek other solutions that don't require as much of him... . at least as backup, if not all the time.

[DreamFlyer99]

Next step: Work on radical acceptance. (We have a workshop on it in the lessons ------>> >>  ) In other words, expecting him to actually go out on time and get your favorite donut is setting yourself up for disappointment and him for failure.

He isn't very good at meeting your needs.

Careful communications on your part are required to get him to meet most any of them.

In many cases, you will be better off if you seek other solutions that don't require as much of him... . at least as backup, if not all the time.

"isn't very good at meeting my needs" is like calling that Dahmer serial killer/eater guy "a misunderstood fella."

Yup, I will look at that workshop once I make my way through the Boundaries one. And getting things through my thick and naïve head is important, like the concept that I can't expect him to act like a grownup because his emotions are NOT grownup, and he does not think like I do.

Soo much to learn! Still not sure what "backup" would be for that specific type situation would be... . perhaps a hidden donut stash?  Seriously bad idea for me!

[Grey Kitty]

In this case, backup would be asking somebody reliable to go out on a donut quest for you, perhaps your adult son who was around for this incident, or another friend.

Or finding something else to make you feel special and taken care of that doesn't demand more of your H than he is likely to provide for you.

[ltul]

I am sorry you did not get the doughnut you wanted. Sometime it is the small things like that that hurt the most . It is amazing to me how similar BPD's can be it is as if you were talking about my husband. Sometime I feel like the more he knows I want something the less likely he is to do it. We are worthy of the doughnut we WANT, we are worthy of being pampered after surgery and most of all it is OK to want what we want. ( radical acceptance )What is harder to accept that they won't be there for us or that we are worthy. For me sometime I think it might be the worthy part.

You are worth a dozen apple fritters just don't forget that

[Chosen]

Sometime I feel like the more he knows I want something the less likely he is to do it.

Same here and I think it's because many pwBPDs feel that they have never gotten what they deserved (probably not related to us... . e.g. the love from their parents when they were little), so they "punish" us for their feelings.  In the end, it's not about fairness and whether somebody deserves something, but I guess pwBPDs will never know... .

If you have a backup plan, though, don't let them know, in my opinion.  Otherwise they can twist it around and say it's because you don't trust them that they find it so difficult to do things for you (of course they won't remember about their broken promises). 

[Chosen]

That's what make it suck so bad.  When they're anxious we can't expect anything of them, it's like we're not even allowed to need anything at that moment.

[DreamFlyer99]

Thank you all for your comments!

Grey Kitty: AHAH. That makes sense as a backup. Most things backfire at this point, even the simpler things I could think of for him to do for me, but that doesn't mean i'll quit asking. i'll "just" need to adjust my expectations and prepare the situation more thoughtfully with my words and attitude.

Itul: yep, we are worth the trouble. I guess the issue of knowing they likely won't be there for us when we need them is hard to swallow but necessary to digest! I need to look up that "radical acceptance" thing.

Chosen: I think you're right about the backup plan being OUR thing and doesn't need to be shared. That trust thing is a real stumbling block for pwBPD, isn't it... . I also agree with the assessment of them often having missed out on love/trust/kind treatment themselves and spilling that onto us. It's certainly true for my husband. And to think, coming from my particular background of craziness, that I thought his family was normal! haha! The truth was that his mother was probably BPD herself and his dad was unwilling to stick up for him or guide him. There are a lot of lacks in his life from childhood, lots of empty spaces to be filled. Unfortunately my trying to fill some of them has been a total bust! Part of what is difficult for me is that I think, "I've spent 12 years in therapy trying to straighten myself out of the kinks my family of birth left in me, so why can't YOU try a little harder?" But as i'm learning over and over, this trip is about me and what I learn and how I learn to treat others and myself, cuz that's the only person I can really change.

It will always be a mystery to me how my H can see the need to be reciprocal in situations that don't involve family.

As I struggle through this interesting mudpit part of life, one of the most painful things has been to realize that I couldn't need anything from my mother, and I can't from the man I've been married to for nearly 4 decades! So now I find myself trying to understand how to meet my own needs in other ways, but some of those don't seem possible YET.

Thank you all!