When the pain never goes away

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It's been over 2 1/2 years since she left, and yet this morning I woke up an hour early because I was dreaming of her. She's been on my mind again. It's like I can't shake it. I had hoped we'd be together for the rest of our lives. We never even "broke up," she just left under the guise of a long vacation, and that's what I think torments me. There was nothing natural about it, and I got no closure, though maybe that's not real anyhow.

I believe deep down I have always held out hope that I would once hear from her again, something heartfelt. I did hear from her one time some three months after her goodbye e-mail (which was all of a couple sentences) and it was only a silly cartoon. Nothing personal. I never responded to those two e-mails, and I never heard from her again. I still miss her. I loved a lot about her. There was enough there for me to want to have her in my life permanently. I write this as I am lonely this evening.

[crushedagain]

It's been over 2 1/2 years since she left, and yet this morning I woke up an hour early because I was dreaming of her. She's been on my mind again. It's like I can't shake it. I had hoped we'd be together for the rest of our lives. We never even "broke up," she just left under the guise of a long vacation, and that's what I think torments me. There was nothing natural about it, and I got no closure, though maybe that's not real anyhow.

I believe deep down I have always held out hope that I would once hear from her again, something heartfelt. I did hear from her one time some three months after her goodbye e-mail (which was all of a couple sentences) and it was only a silly cartoon. Nothing personal. I never responded to those two e-mails, and I never heard from her again. I still miss her. I loved a lot about her. There was enough there for me to want to have her in my life permanently. I write this as I am lonely this evening.

[once removed]

ouch 

I never responded to those two e-mails, and I never heard from her again. I still miss her. I loved a lot about her. There was enough there for me to want to have her in my life permanently. I write this as I am lonely this evening.

have you ever responded since?

[crushedagain]

ouch 

have you ever responded since?

No. I have never reached out to her at all. I was hurt and angry and she left me no choice but to move on. I'm not one to beg or grovel, when I see somebody's intentions I accept them and move on. Except I'm having a very hard time moving on from this one.

[JNChell]

crushed, I’m sorry about the heavy feelings that you’re experiencing. It’s really something how a simple dream can feel like a setback. It must’ve been a very realistic and vivid dream to draw these feelings out of you. I get it. I’ve been processing some similar stuff.

Maybe something important to realize and accept is the no closure. It’s been 2 1/2 years my friend. I share a young child with my ex which means we’re in constant contact...and I will never get closure from her. I made a last ditch effort at it. I was able to talk to her on the phone and apologize for my part without the expectation of reciprocation. Well, that didn’t work either. We’re back to LC.

It cycles. Over, and over, and over until it doesn’t anymore.

The stages of grief can find us when we least expect it. Is this a rumination of wanting to be with her, or a realization on understanding why it’s unhealthy for you to be with her?