I left and she doesnt care

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Great input from everyone and it's given me a lot more to process over the weekend and today. I've been trying to apply the information to my situation and it has helped answer many questions. I feel that I made some improvement in the last week though it's clear I have so far to go. Her and I were scheduled to meet today (She cancelled last time we were scheduled) to exchange a few things. She had invited me up to see her new house (A two hour drive) and to do the exchange. This last week shes gone silent except for Friday when I sent her a Birthday text and yesterday when we talked on the phone for the logistics today. She seemed very very up but kept saying how busy she is and that she's so tired. I haven't heard her this happy in months (I know it could be a front). When on the phone she told me about another new job she's getting and that she would be busy at her new house cleaning today. Then at 5am today I get a text saying "I have to cancel today, I just cant do it. I'm sorry."

I sent her a text mid day asking her to call me and she did an hour later. She seemed very rushed but again sounds very very up. The call dropped and she hasn't called back. Who knows.

From what I'm gathering she is working two jobs, just got her own place, and had gone from nothing to doing decent financially. She's building a life. That's all good things and honestly I'm proud of her.

BUT

After hearing all this today it's more apparent then ever how over it she is and continues to keep all this out of her mind. I now understand that this may be due to their disorder and it's not so much about me but crap on a cracker, today it really hurts.

The level of anger I feel as shot up into the red zone this afternoon. Again I know it's not so much about me but it still feels so personal, like it's directed to show me how well she's doing without me. Almost like I was holding her back when dating... .I feel so disposable.

So just another day yet again of realizing how broken I really am.

How does everyone deal and cope with these intense feelings of anger and hurt from feeling like were disposable?

I continue to try and focus my mind on the fact it's her disorder. It's not so much about me. I shouldn't take it so Personally.

BUT

[Wantingtochange]

Great input from everyone and it's given me a lot more to process over the weekend and today. I've been trying to apply the information to my situation and it has helped answer many questions. I feel that I made some improvement in the last week though it's clear I have so far to go. Her and I were scheduled to meet today (She cancelled last time we were scheduled) to exchange a few things. She had invited me up to see her new house (A two hour drive) and to do the exchange. This last week shes gone silent except for Friday when I sent her a Birthday text and yesterday when we talked on the phone for the logistics today. She seemed very very up but kept saying how busy she is and that she's so tired. I haven't heard her this happy in months (I know it could be a front). When on the phone she told me about another new job she's getting and that she would be busy at her new house cleaning today. Then at 5am today I get a text saying "I have to cancel today, I just cant do it. I'm sorry."

I sent her a text mid day asking her to call me and she did an hour later. She seemed very rushed but again sounds very very up. The call dropped and she hasn't called back. Who knows.

From what I'm gathering she is working two jobs, just got her own place, and had gone from nothing to doing decent financially. She's building a life. That's all good things and honestly I'm proud of her.

BUT

After hearing all this today it's more apparent then ever how over it she is and continues to keep all this out of her mind. I now understand that this may be due to their disorder and it's not so much about me but crap on a cracker, today it really hurts.

The level of anger I feel as shot up into the red zone this afternoon. Again I know it's not so much about me but it still feels so personal, like it's directed to show me how well she's doing without me. Almost like I was holding her back when dating... .I feel so disposable.

So just another day yet again of realizing how broken I really am.

How does everyone deal and cope with these intense feelings of anger and hurt from feeling like were disposable?

I continue to try and focus my mind on the fact it's her disorder. It's not so much about me. I shouldn't take it so Personally.

BUT

[Sunfl0wer]

She seemed very very up but kept saying how busy she is and that she's so tired. I haven't heard her this happy in months (I know it could be a front). When on the phone she told me about another new job she's getting and that she would be busy at her new house cleaning today. Then at 5am today I get a text saying "I have to cancel today, I just cant do it. I'm sorry."

Hey, I just feel like rambling on some thoughts here... .hope that is fine... .

I had a female friend uBPD who was left by her BF, they have three kids together.  She was confiding in me at the time and obsessing over the situation greatly.  I believe that she felt her sense of self worth plummet when he left.  Many of her actions appeared that she was trying to convince herself, him and the world, that she had some self worth.  Sometimes she'd obsess over plots of calling him to 'prove' she was doing fantastic.  I think it was all about her wanting to convince her, him, etc... ."I am worthy."  She did things to get his attention, tried to make him jealous, tried to prove she didn't need him... .  Again... .I think ties into her own feelings of trying to cope with having been 'dumped'... .'left'... .feeling not wanted... .searching for some confirmation that she is lovable... .or simply declaring that she is worthy through her displays of seeming desirable in ways he previously was angry about, such as that she was seeming lazy or otherwise.  Also, she would only call him on her good days,(well... .she did also call and picked fights and dysregulated) she posted and made plans to go clubbing with friends for the pure reason to post the pics on FB.  Times he didn't 'bite' her bait and act like he cared drove her nuts, times he did made her feel 'worthy' enough to devalue him to his face but glow over still being desired to me.  It may have appeared she forgotten him at times, but was obsessing behind his awareness in her own way. 

My point... .  It could appear she was cured, or doing great... .depending on which angle you were looking at her.  From my angle, as her friend, I could tell she was coming quite undone.

It may not be wise to assume what is going on in her mind.  She could be obsessing.  She could be dissociating.  Maybe both, alternating, diff combo, idk.

My ex's uNPD/BPDexW tried to make herself appear perfect, bought a huge house, seemed very successful in business and financial areas of life for three years and now the house is being sold.  I think the excitement of the newness of her relationship kept her appearing somewhat very functional financial wise, until life well... .requires ongoing sustaining of positive relationships. I imagine things fell apart with her 'new' relationship and now she is in a downward spiral from that.  Or maybe it was a bit impulsivity to buy above their long term means.

There is a part of me that wonders how my ex is doing today.  I want to know if he is better off without me or if things went downhill in some areas.  I too want to feel I was valuable, and somewhere inside me... .if I found out he is suffering a wee bit today... .I could tell myself it is proof that I knew better and knew I was good for him.  Yet, another part of me sees this as completely something I need to address with myself, independent of him.  I need to check my own self worth and self love.  I wonder if thoughts of how our ex is doing, ironically, is typically tied into us needing more self love?

[Wantingtochange]

She seemed very very up but kept saying how busy she is and that she's so tired. I haven't heard her this happy in months (I know it could be a front). When on the phone she told me about another new job she's getting and that she would be busy at her new house cleaning today. Then at 5am today I get a text saying "I have to cancel today, I just cant do it. I'm sorry."

Hey, I just feel like rambling on some thoughts here... .hope that is fine... .

I had a female friend uBPD who was left by her BF, they have three kids together.  She was confiding in me at the time and obsessing over the situation greatly.  I believe that she felt her sense of self worth plummet when he left.  Many of her actions appeared that she was trying to convince herself, him and the world, that she had some self worth.  Sometimes she'd obsess over plots of calling him to 'prove' she was doing fantastic.  I think it was all about her wanting to convince her, him, etc... ."I am worthy."  She did things to get his attention, tried to make him jealous, tried to prove she didn't need him... . Again... .I think ties into her own feelings of trying to cope with having been 'dumped'... .'left'... .feeling not wanted... .searching for some confirmation that she is lovable... .or simply declaring that she is worthy through her displays of seeming desirable in ways he previously was angry about, such as that she was seeming lazy or otherwise.  Also, she would only call him on her good days,(well... .she did also call and picked fights and dysregulated) she posted and made plans to go clubbing with friends for the pure reason to post the pics on FB.  Times he didn't 'bite' her bait and act like he cared drove her nuts, times he did made her feel 'worthy' enough to devalue him to his face but glow over still being desired to me.  It may have appeared she forgotten him at times, but was obsessing behind his awareness in her own way.  

My point... . It could appear she was cured, or doing great... .depending on which angle you were looking at her.  From my angle, as her friend, I could tell she was coming quite undone.

It may not be wise to assume what is going on in her mind.  She could be obsessing.  She could be dissociating.  Maybe both, alternating, diff combo, idk.

My ex's uNPD/BPDexW tried to make herself appear perfect, bought a huge house, seemed very successful in business and financial areas of life for three years and now the house is being sold.  I think the excitement of the newness of her relationship kept her appearing somewhat very functional financial wise, until life well... .requires ongoing sustaining of positive relationships. I imagine things fell apart with her 'new' relationship and now she is in a downward spiral from that.  Or maybe it was a bit impulsivity to buy above their long term means.

There is a part of me that wonders how my ex is doing today.  I want to know if he is better off without me or if things went downhill in some areas.  I too want to feel I was valuable, and somewhere inside me... .if I found out he is suffering a wee bit today... .I could tell myself it is proof that I knew better and knew I was good for him.  Yet, another part of me sees this as completely something I need to address with myself, independent of him.  I need to check my own self worth and self love.  I wonder if thoughts of how our ex is doing, ironically, is typically tied into us needing more self love?

Thank you for the post. It is filled with much needed information... .The more I read, the more I learn, each and every day, I realize that I need to learn how to give more self love. Thank you for your insights into my situation. It does help!

[steelwork]

Can she be sick and not my problem?  Yes, she's still 'sick' and she isn't my problem (anymore). 

Yay for this, at least.

Peace, brother.

[apollotech]

Wanting,

In short, you were disposable to her because she has a disorder which produces intense, chaotic interpersonal relationships. You also have answered your own question:

How does everyone deal and cope with these intense feelings of anger and hurt from feeling like were disposable?

You're on the right path here (quoted below). Unfortunately knowing and accepting are two different things. Acceptance of the disorder brings a lot of peace to the Non because it releases the Non from many thoughts/guilty feelings/responsibilities for the demise of the relationship. Likewise, it usually changes the Non's perception of the pwBPD, their actions/behaviors during the relationship, and the demise thereof.

I continue to try and focus my mind on the fact it's her disorder. It's not so much about me. I shouldn't take it so Personally.

Also, as others have stated, she didn't split from you and magically heal (that's magical thinking on the Non's behalf). She still has the disorder, no matter how she is presenting herself.