My pain vs his abuse

[Take2]

My amazing friend just made a very interesting comment to me... .  she is wondering why my own pain and emptiness inside seems worse to me than pain of the abusive treatment that I still continue to receive intermittently from my exBPDbf (who is coworker and who I have to see/talk to at work quite often).  It's a really good question.  One that I'm going to try and focus on.  I have many reasons for why I have pain and emptiness.  I've lost both parents over the last 10 years.  The entire decline of my dad's health and subsequent death were all intertwined with my crazytrain r/s with my ex.  It was truly awful to go thru while going thru zero empathy combined with the chaos as grieving.  That might account for a lot of it.  Some of it? 

But the reality is that for so long now, my ex is totally cruel to me in our interactions.  Constantly painting and repainting me black on company Instant Messanger.  He does it every time he feels paranoid like I will report him to HR and get him fired.  I try very hard to not respond but so often I do because he makes me out to seem like a monster for having spoken to my male coworkers.

It doesn't help when I do - it makes him worse and just makes me part of the craziness.

Why is his verbal abuse NOT more painful than the emptiness inside?

Any ideas? 

[fromheeltoheal]

Maybe because you're using your own "pain and emptiness inside" as protection from the abuse?  If you make your own pain big enough, anything external seems minimized?

[Take2]

Hmmm. That's an interesting thought.  Maybe so.  I wish I could remember how to be happy again.   I have realized that my remaining in the r/s dance long after it was good was a way to avoid dealing with my own pain.  Your comment makes me think about it the other way around.   I suppose at this point it's all so mixed up together in my head I can't totally separate where the pain from him ends and my own begins.

[fromheeltoheal]

I wish I could remember how to be happy again.

Happiness is created by progress.  Instead of trying to remember how to be happy, heading off in a direction of your choosing will make happiness show up; it's a proactive thing that puts you in control.  It may just be a moving away from him initially, tough to do when you work together I realize, but then it can become a moving towards something, the life of your dreams for example.  And as a bonus, once you commit to that, he will just fade into the past.