Ex just got married, 10 months after b/up... how does it reallly feel?

[Vitto18]

How does it feel to hear that your uBPDex has married someone else?

Relief & shock, even though I knew it was coming.

Sadness, because the speed of it finally confirms that even though she has never been diagnosed, there is more than a whiff of BPD about my ex.

I'm grieving again, for the loss of the fantasy.

I thought I had dealt with this stuff already, but it keeps coming back up. The deep shame of having failed at a long term relationship.

Having failed my children by not providing them with a stable 2 parent home, raising them in 2 separate, broken homes.

My inability to make things work with their mom keeps me clouded in guilt.

Something she said to me after the break-up: "You couldn't handle me!" Those words are stuck in my consciousness like gum on the bottom of a shoe.

I feel inadequate, like because I couldn't handle my ex's tantrums, emotional blackmail, suicide threats, reckless spending, physical fights, cheating... .all these dramas, I'm a weak person.

In my language (isiZulu) people lovingly refer to "ihlanya lami" or "my mad person", in couples where the one partner is temperamental\high strung\batshtcrazy, & the other stays calm, unruffled through the drama.

People who love each other, through thick & thin, no matter what, right?

I've heard so many stories of these couples, where one partner runs riot & the other follows meekly behind, picking up the mess, or they fight like dogs & make up again the next day.

I loved my ex, probably still do, but not enough to accept her with all her flaws... .I wanted to change her, fix her, parent her, upgrade her :-) and it took me 6 years to understand that I couldn't; I'd have to change myself to be able to deal with all her stuff.

I had accepted that & was prepared to deal with her stuff as long as she was prepared to deal with mine too. If "her stuff" was just emotional immaturity, impulsiveness, I could 'guide' her through that, because I was 7 years older than her. Or so I thought. She was just a sweet girl with a nasty temper, right? Noone is perfect. Fiestyness is somewhat attractive to me, but there's a limit to these things.

 

What ended the fantasy was her cheating. That's my biggest flaw, trust. I 'demand' loyalty & fidelity, I don't want to have to play detective or check up on my partner's whereabouts etc. If I can't trust you then forget about it. Why are we even in a relationship? How do I build a life, a family, buy a house, invest time money & effort with someone I cannot trust?

When I caught her, she lied & denied, and eventually confessed, guardedly with many contradictions. Then she tried to blame me for her actions, that I somehow drove her to it. This time last year, she was calling me 50 times a day, crying on the phone, telling me she was going to kill herself if I didn't forgive her. Listing all the things she forgave me for, and if the roles were reversed she would have forgiven me... .blah blah. She even tried to physically beat me into forgiving her.

This year she's married, Mrs So& so.

Oh the what-ifs: Maybe I should have forgiven her? What if she's better now? What if she's learned & matured from our relationship & Replacement Guy is. Now going to reap all the benefits? Maybe the way I treated her made her act crazy? Maybe my rescuer\ white knight\Mr Fix-it\ Mr Know-it-all thing was condescending & suffocating made her feel less than, put down her self esteem and she needed some affirmation or validation hence she cheated?

Anyway its over now, ruminating doesn't help. I accept that it was not meant to be.

The fact that I had all these doubts about committing to her in the first place was proof that I didn't love her enough. Her cheating, attacking me at work, hooking up with someone new within a month after a 6 year relationship, now marrying him hardly 9 months later... .all these things surely prove that she didn't love me?

So really what am I losing by losing her? Either way I lost her in November 2013 when she slept with a married man behind my back. Her getting married feels like a further loss, another betrayal, another twist of the knife in my back. Maybe I'm the crazy one, for obsessing so much about someone who has forgotten all about me & moved on to a wonderful new life already?

Anyway that's how I feel, thanks bpdfamily.com for letting me vent

Anyone else had these type of feelings?

How do you feel?

[milo1967]

Vitto,

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Mine is a similar story: condensed, we were married ten years, two kids.  I was aware that she was "different" (I now understand her behaviors were all hallmarks of BPD) but I loved her. She would not stop her affair, so after eight months of me trying everything, the emotional abuse was too much and I divorced her. She immediately moved in with her affair person and I predict she will marry him.

I went through all the excruciating doubts, particularly when she called me on our anniversary last year begging and pleading and telling me she loves me and missed me... .I gritted my teeth and carried on with the divorce. She moved in with him after I made it clear to her it was over.

Three years after betrayal and separation, almost a year after divorce, I miss all the parts of her I had fallen in love with her. I probably always will to some degree. But I don't miss her stunningly selfish, cruel behaviors. I am living an authentic life. I am alone and lonely, but I won't be forever. I have taken these years to fix what is broken in me so I may be a better partner for someone else; I certainly was not perfect and accept my share in the marital problems.

Her? I doubt she is happy. She is still an unstable person, and my replacement I am fairly confident is in the same place I was in ten years ago when I fell in love with her: her behaviors are confounding and irritating, but surely HE can fix her, surely HE IS her white knight. I doubt theirs is a union that will last, unless he has even greater tolerance than I did, or unless she is confronting her disorder through deep, sustained therapy. (I'm sure she isn't.)

Meanwhile, don't wait for their relationship to implode. Let yourself grieve, take time to work on yourself. Be your kids' stable, safe place.

Losing my wife and family, my dreams and plan for the future, has been the most emotionally devastating experience of my life. But I had no choice. Nor did you. Stay strong and know that you are just where you should be. Time is an amazing thing. A year ago I was a wreck. A year before that I was nearly suicidal. I never thought I would not be at least to some extent either of these. But I'm not. I'm sad and I'm stressed. A year from now I believe I will be less so than I am now. And on my way to happy, and perhaps with a new love--one whom I can trust and feel safe with.

Strength. You are certainly not alone.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

There is one thing you can be certain about.  They will cheat again after marriage.  They can't help themselves.  Even those with high religious leanings.  The "You couldn't handle me" line is a cop out.  They can't handle themselves, that is, they do not have the self discipline not to cheat and act out.  Their life is fantasy based with responsibility being someone elses problem.  My BPD mother has three times maxed out her credit cards and then filed bankruptcy.  Cheating on her husband of over 20 years with a man she doesn't fancy.  Regularly tries to seduce my father, her former husband.  They are child-adults and a good riddance when they move on and out of your life.

[clydegriffith]

The BPDx has gone through 4 replacements in the two years post breakup and here's how they've gone:

1) Married guy that was telling her he would leave his wife for her but just using her for sex. She made a fool of herself on local television when something the guy did was on the local news.

2) Younger guy that was an undocumented immigrant. Not sure how or why that ended

3) Much younger guy whom she was engaged to within a month of "dating"

4) The guy that replaced #3 two months after engagement called off because she was caught cheating. A month after they start "dating" she's gets pregnant with child #5, and it's supposedly this guy's but in reality it can be anybody's.

You can't help but laugh at that walking disaster. My bets on the next surprise is that the last kid ends up being not who she's saying it is.