Shes 7 months pregnant with my child and possibly with another guy

[Clz]

Is anyone willing to talk through whats app.who.has bpd or is well versed in their behavior? Please reach out as this situation is honestly a severe case and im really trying to figure out what i should do.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Birddog]

Welcome to the board, I am still fairly new here, many posters  are here for same reasons, Do you have details on your situation?

[Harri]

Hi clz and welcome to the boards!  I am sorry for what brings you here but I am glad you found us.

How can we help you?  We like to keeps things open on the boards rather than taking them to PMs as this way everyone can participate and learn where it is safe and open. 

Please reach out as this situation is honestly a severe case and im really trying to figure out what i should do.

We have all sorts of situations talked about here so share with us and lets see what we can do for you.

[Clz]

I was looking to see if you can help me out with my situation.

I met a girl last year who's going through an abortion and I helped her through it.

She was extremely gorgeous and I didn't understand why this guy made her get  an abortion she was the most perfect person at the time.. she started becoming obsessed with me very very quickly it just got really chaotic really fast...

5 months later she gets pregnant again and I've never seen the side of her but she was just a completely different person... she started putting me down with no remorse and it was just like total control... i got upset after she kept pushing me away trying to make it seem like I didn't want to be a part of this pregnancy.

I said some things that also only made it worse but that has become the narrative going forward for me not being there for the pregnancy... she's now been leaning on another man for support as well new found friends that she never had before.

I'm.being painted as a deadbeat... shes gaining sympathy at my expense... 7 months on and I'm almost sure she seeing him there's no way she can go this long without i having someone in her life. Shes.humiliated me to.her.friends and family to cut ties completely...

She went from calling me 96 times in a 20 minute span to discarding me and making me out to look like the crazy one. 

I wonder if there's any way I could fix this. Shes 7 months pregnant.

[Skip]

Two pregnancies, two years, three men.

Ugh. You must dying inside.  Hang in there.

Is she pregnant or did she abort?

What specifically saying about you when you broke up.

Pregnancy is stressful. People with BPD don't handle stress well. BPD partners often don't have the tools to handle "highly sensitive people". Looking for a rescuer is not uncommon with people with self esteem issues. It's easy to see how this played out.

Let's all dig in to the details... see what approaches make sense... see what a approaches will make matters worse.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi clz,

I am very sorry for what you are going through. It must be very painful and confusing right now.

Do you know for certain that she had an abortion the first time? and btw, no one can "make" someone get an abortion- that is a choice she had to follow through with it or not.

Do you have regular contact with her? How often?

[Clz]

Shes really lost. I knew she was talking to him after i noticed all he would post online was no contact with toxic people aswell as.he started to really key in on me... Shes very impressionable and she doesnt have her own sense of self to stand on. Her finding sympathy from him.inittially...then to taking all his advice and hate that she would rebuttal to me witch made me extremely upset...Made her start to idealize.him...i could be wrong but i dont think i am...i made it worse by calling her out on the situation where it only strengthened theres... i was almost giving her an.ultamatum and she committed elsewhere.

She was putting me down for weeks everyday saying extremely hurtful things and i lost it saying dont talk to me youre not healthy to go.through with this...to put it lightly.. thats been.the narrative going forward for her..and shes gaining.so much support i cant ever see her giving it up. She feels people care about her and re there for.her for.once in.her life.. can anyone give me an idea of how this will play out shes extremely vindictive so im not sure.if she will ever come around because i do care..

Can this be fixed?

[Clz]

I havent spoken to her in two months.. shes withholding everything even.the gender...hes been.there for her this whole time...

[Birddog]

Clz,

Thanks for courage to put this out there, and it’s hard to work through these issues in a vacuum, and easy to feel isolated. I’m seeing Karpman drama triangle.  There  is a board resource on it, maybe some good suggestions on how to unravel in a healthy way. Posting the link. See anything there that might fit the dynamic of what’s going on?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

This is not easy stuff.

[Skip]

What was the ultimatum?

[Clz]

To continue this unhealthy idealization of someone that was making the situation worse.

[Skip]

Did you say choose him or me? Did you agree to raise the child? Was there talk of aborting? You have to file in the details - there is no simple, one-size-fits-all advice for this type of thing (or any type of thing).

If she is seven months pregnant with your child, you may be able to reconcile.

[Clz]

No i never said choose a side but i did call her out on her behavior and she stopped all contact immediatley. She hasnt reached out since and has also blocked all my family aswell who were really supportive of her.

[Clz]

This person has almost destroyed me... where do i go from here? Shes been persuing this guy (rescuer)for months while carrying my child. Is this more than bpd or maybe its just an extreme case?

 ive desperatley tried to help but i know shes made me out to look crazy. I guess thats part of the discardment.

Im so at a loss on what i should do. This isnt fixeable. Whats my next step on to recover from this nightmare.

[Skip]

Are they a couple?

[Witz_End]

Clz, this is a seriously hurtful situation.  Take away the pregnancy aspect of things, I've lived a similar cycle with my wife and see the same dynamic at play.

In our case, twice there have been times when a few things coincided:  1. a period of painting me black (the devaluation side of splitting), 2. the re-emergence of another man, and 3. his being a supportive outlet for her outpouring of her dark views of me.

In a way, it's kinda a no-brainer how that plays out, especially for someone with BPD.  On one hand, you have a guy you've come to see as black and on the other you have a guy who you're perceiving as white, especially through the newness of things.  And that white makes that black look even darker, so between the other guy feeding her image of you (actively or passively) and the contrast provided by his continued idealization in her eyes, things become locked in that you're black and he's white mode.

In my case, things came around only as I shouldered all responsibility for the relstionship's ills and turned to working on myself.  As I did, she started to see flaws in him.  As he sensed the tides shifting, he distanced himself.  We're in the wake of one of those periods now, actually.

It's a bad combination of things and is exactly what you saw happen... twice, when you think about it.  How much do you feel was really true about the guy she left for you?  Was he really forcing the abortion or was that her twisting things?  You were the white night once, as was I when my wife left her previous marriage.

But, it's really tough to see and to know that she's stuck in a cycle, isn't it?  You see where she is blinders on to the good in your relationship and idealizing someone she will inevitably come to see flaws in and paint black just as she did you.  It's history repeating itself and each cycle leaves someone in the ditches behind her... and, if you look at it compassionately, does she ever find herself feeling fulfilled? 

It's a major slap in the face to love someone and put up with so much and put a lot into things only to have it dismissed as someone else is idealized.

[Skip]

Clz,

You (and in turn us) need to get some facts to make sense of all  of this.

No i never said choose a side but i did call her out on her behavior and she stopped all contact immediatley. She hasnt reached out since and has also blocked all my family aswell who were really supportive of her.

Can you put some details around this. What happened that sparked such a huge reaction.

I havent spoken to her in two months.. shes withholding everything even.the gender..

Do you know for sure that she is still carrying your child? This is a big deal. You have parental rights and obligations. Do you want to be involved with the child if she is not seeing you?

Are they a couple?

This is also critical information. Is this guy really lining up to raise a baby with her?

Do you have anyone who can answer these questions without being invasive?

Do you have anyone that can speak to her on your behalf - a family member, for example to find out these important things?

There are a lot of moving parts, here.