Time to man up and get out of that relationship

[Mindfried]

Time to man up and get out of that relationship brother. She will bring you nothing but heartache and conflict and drive a wedge between you and your daughter. They are a bottomless pit that are never happy no matter what you do or say. No matter how much it hurts, get out and stay out.

[Skip]

Great name!

So, what happened/happening in your love life? Just breakup?

Tell us whats going on.

Skip

[Mindfried]

I was married for 23 years. We didnt't argue much. There was  no connection so we aprted ways amicably. I met a woman that I thought was the love of my life but I had no idea she was an undiagnosed BPD. I did not know or recognize the signs. The constant break-ups. The constant instability. In one sentence she could say that I was her entire world and was so grateful for me than to break up with me in the next sentence because she did not like my tone of voice. Constantly having to defend myself from false accusations. No matter how many times she broke up with me I always missed her terribly and would go back. It was a a never ending cycle. I did so much and provided so much to get nothing in return but grief, conflict, and a hard time. This lasted for four years. It is very painful. I am 54 years old and still can't figure out why I was so stupid. I can go on for hours with stories but you get the idea.

[Skip]

How soon did you meet her after ending things with your wife? How long were you two (pwBPD) together? How long ago did you break up?

[Mindfried]

We were together for four plus years. The break-ups were constant and predictable throughout. We literally had just returned from a family vacation that I got a text that she wanted nothing to do with me and to never contact her again. That was back in July 2018. She has texted me a few nasty grams since over the past three months telling me how terrible I am but I have not responded. I started seeing a therapist about 6 weeks ago that did not diagnose her but pointed me in the right direction. Once I started researching on my own all the signs of idealization and devaluing are clearly present. She truly was a bottomless pit to me. I tried to take care of all her needs emotionally, physically etc, solved any problems she had, I was very protective and supportive of her and her kids. It was a long distance relationship so I saw her every weekend. I made sure anything she ever needed she got. We were on the phone constantly during my drive into work, during breaks, lunch, drive home etc. It was her way or the highway. She held the relationship hostage always threatening break ups. Got angry over the smallest things. Always accused me of being angry and yes as time progressed I did get angry and frustrated. I was afraid to talk to her at times knowing if I said the wrong thing or my tone changed an argument and break up would ensue. This has been the most painful and emotionally draining time of my life. I pray everyday just to be emotionally fit again. My heart continues to break, but I have come to realize nothing will ever ever be good enough and this cycle will continue unless I get off it. With that said it does not make things any easier. I thought I was crazy until I found this site and now see how many other people are in similar situations. I would never wish this on anybody. I am educated, employed, in good shape, but I am so drained and heartbroken I cannot see myself having another relationship for a very long time and if I did I was proceed with such extreme caution. I have planned my life out to be alone instead of deal with this type of constant conflict.

[Skip]

I am educated, employed, in good shape, but I am so drained and heartbroken I cannot see myself having another relationship for a very long time and if I did I was proceed with such extreme caution. I have planned my life out to be alone instead of deal with this type of constant conflict.

Sounds familiar. My relationship was also 4 years and post divorce. 20 year marriage.

It took time, but I am in a very good relationship now. It will help to do a good postmortem on this as the you work your way out.

When was the last time you talked with her?

[Mindfried]

The last we spoke was the last day of vacation, July 21, 2018. She made the entire house uncomfortable all week including hers sons. I called her into the kitchen to to tell her I loved her and are we still together and she said she loved me and she was not breaking up with me. She got home and texted me immediately that she wanted nothing to do with me ever again. I texted back the word predictable but she had already blocked me. I did not try to contact her after that other than to send some of her personal affects back to her that she had at my apartment. I did not include any type of note just the items. She texted me a nasty gram not to mail her anything. I did not respond. She sent me a random text in August telling me I never heard her and nobody ever hears her. I did not respond. She stalks her college son on facebook to ensure he is back in his room. He must have figured it out so she texted me did I warn him about her FB stalking of him. I never had any type of FB conversation so I responded no. My son is getting married in December and I am driving to the wedding and my ex wife and two adult kids are flying. She was not happy about this so a few weeks ago she texted me to tell me how this cost me the relationship because we were driving and my ex was flying. The day before she texted me a laundry list of other things that cost me the relationship. I never knew where it was coming from. She was all words, no actions, did not think I should be able to communicate with my adult kids, constant hard time about my divorce and my alimony payments. I had just payed to have her townhouse painted and improved. Bought her the best, took her to the best places to eat, took her on vacations, weekend getaways, Broadway plays, etc, I would get up early and buy her coffee before she awoke. Do the yard work at her house all though I worked all week and drove 175 miles to see her. I was always faithful and true to her. I always complimented her daily. You name it it was taken care of but if I got out of line for one second she was breaking up with me. It always blows me away.

[once removed]

I started seeing a therapist about 6 weeks ago
... .
the most painful and emotionally draining time of my life. I pray everyday just to be emotionally fit again.

this was a good investment to make in your recovery. how is therapy going?

[Mindfried]

Thank you. It is going fine. There is not much more to say to the therapist. It is what it is. Understanding BPD a little and knowing it is going to take time. I have good days and some bad ones. I have a better understanding of myself and why I stayed and did what I did. You get out of a long term marriage that lacked a connection and find someone who ignites all your passions again both good and bad and it becomes addicting so you put up with alot until you can't do it anymore so you get out and deal with the painful aftermath. I am sure there is a major chemical component to this as well. I pray everyday and pray for her as well as I am sure it is not easy to be that way and not a good feeling to live like that.