Part of me dies today

[changingme]

The day I have dreaded since FOREVER was my daughter meeting my ex's gf has come and not in a normal planned sit down brief first time meet... . oh no it had to be, for me, just as traumatic as EVERYTHING in my life has been.  My D13 decided today was the day she would meet the gf on a complete impulsive choice (sound familiar?) with no allowance of time for me to mentally and emotionally prepare and to find something to do with myself while this goes down.  Nope I am here home alone completely beside myself in tears while they are out playing mini golf. 

I don't think I will ever be the same after today.  This was beyond anything I have experienced in 15 years dealing with ex and BPD. 

:'(

[Clearmind]

CT, its tough for sure however you will get through it. BPD or not this is an inevitable part of a break up. D13 will meet your next partner too.

You are not loosing here. Any ideas why you feel like you are?

[changingme]

Yes clearmind I feel this way because this girl has never met our D and this gf has been around on and off for 8 years (yes that is NOT a typo)! We didn't just break up, I was sucked into the recycles for awhile with him and then the gf too, but even after that was over I have been dealing with his push-pull cycles over and over again.  So after 8 years, why today there was such a spur of the moment impulsiveness choice on my daughter's end to do it baffles my mind and hurts me like no end.

She shows BPD traits as well and things have been rocky at home lately, makes me wonder if that plays a factor.  Just makes me think I got burned by BPD again.  I just feel like out of consideration for mom, we could have set a date and planned it better, instead I got a text message at work from her saying basically this is what she planned and wanted to do and I couldn't do anything about it.  Not to mention that I think for her emotionally she is getting herself into something I think I will end up dealing with later, but it was very harsh from her and she is NEVER like that. 

It is upsetting too because he went right along with it but I expected that from him, just not her.  I know she is only 13 but she knows the back story this gf has played in the upside down life. 

The other thing that concerns me is D wanted to meet while doing something fun, didn't want to do a sit down dinner because in her words that would be "awkward".  To me, she totally by-passed the whole point of meeting the other partner is to get a read, judge, get to know if you like them or not.  She just dove head first into the fun side of the relationship which obviously creates a facade on who this person could be or not be.  Now that the bonding started off on a high note, I have a feeling I am doomed to a long summer of their outings.

I feel BPD in full effect here from both of them and that is hurting the worst.  And I think this post just also turned into supporting a child with BPD board... . how do I post in two places at once! 

[MarcinN7]

I`m sorry your feeling down and,

I`m sorry to point this out. Maybe i`m in the wrong but this is just a quick observation.

But should you not as a parent be happy that your doughter is going minigolfing and not obsess about your ex`s girlfriend. From my point of view if i would be 13, i would be happy to go minigolfing and the arguments or "grown up problems" are much less of a worry if i would worry or know about this at all.

You should be focusing more on yourself and being able to keep yourself occupied.

Right now it sounds a little like your happines lies too much on what your doughter does and what your ex does and his gf.

The path you should take is to stop caring about your ex, his girlfriends and start enjoing YOUR life.

Your doughter is unfortunatly your BPDex`s doughter also so she will want to see him. This is unavoidable.

[Newton]

changingtimes I appreciate things are very challenging for you now... . so please excuse me playing devils advocate and know it comes from a caring place... .

It's not possible to shape the world how we want it to be to suit our feelings of how things should be "done" correctly. (that is a construct we create).  Hoping things could be different than they actually are creates emotional discomfort. Acceptance is our power... .

Have you looked at how you wanting/needing things to be different than they are might be promoting and nuturing your negative feelings about this situation?

People close to you are not behaving in the way you want them to... . you can't change that. What you do have control over is your feelings and perceptions about that behaviour.

[changingme]

changingtimes

It's not possible to shape the world how we want it to be to suit our feelings of how things should be "done" correctly. (that is a construct we create).  Hoping things could be different than they actually are creates emotional discomfort. Acceptance is our power... .

Newton,

This is true and an issue I have, I always think things should go one way or another and get disappointed even hurt when they don't.  I don't always remember being this way.  I think it was a way to try to control this hellish turmoil I have been in for way to long.  I always knew things "should" be different but couldn't make it happen. Now I want to make it happen with everything!

Either way how the situation went down today, I still think it is still just as devastating to deal with.


MarcinN7,

I am not sure I follow what you mean by worrying about what my daughter does.  Yes I worry about her, if she is also emotionally dysregulated, she also has a hard time making the best choices for her in everything in life.  Later, I am the only one dealing with her meltdowns so I do have to be extra sensitive.  I just feel her approach to meeting her was almost a way to appease the curiously but to keep the distance of really talking to her face to face.  Makes me worried that she will miss important factors and base their relationship on having fun.  I really don't trust this gf around my daughter. 

[Suzn]

Makes me worried that she will miss important factors and base their relationship on having fun.  I really don't trust this gf around my daughter. 

What are these important factors? Why don't you trust the gf?

[changingme]

What are these important factors? Why don't you trust the gf?

I think she would be okay around the gf in person, i just don't trust the type of person she is.  I just have witnessed some of her actions to be very immature and disrespectful to me as the mother. I feel she has had one selfish goal, to get everything she wanted without regard on how it affects the child involved in a broken family.  I know exBPD is to blame, but I think sometimes there comes a time a woman needs to have some respect bc she got involved with a family not a single man.  That is the big thing, I know of others because of pictures I have seen and people that know her.  My D is old enough I am not worried, but it isn't the ideal step-mom role I would ever want.  Breaks my heart that she pushed and inched her way into getting everything she wanted after all and of course I am here the broken mess. 

[Suzn]

My D is old enough I am not worried

I think it's good to focus on showing faith in your daughter's assessments. Having faith in your part in her skills in this area shows her that your direction, as she grows, is something solid, and something she can count on.

but it isn't the ideal step-mom role I would ever want.  Breaks my heart that she pushed and inched her way into getting everything she wanted after all and of course I am here the broken mess. 

I understand. It's hard to let go of our expectations of what someone "should" be and work with who they are.