Screwing up like a crazy person

[peacebaby]

So I screwed up like a crazy person the other day and I'm having a really hard time dealing with it. Just completely screwed up in a symptomatic way. And I just don't know how to be okay with it. How to make myself feel okay. Just gonna post this before I don't post it and if all the responses hurt me and I respond defensively, so be it.

[Cimbaruns]

How and what did you do Peacebaby?

I have found that there is no specific guidebook here on this trip ... .

So sometimes that is when we recognize our mistakes and learn from them... .

I for one am learning that "the only way out is through" and sometimes that is a very uncomfortable place to be... .

Sometimes it's a world of hurt...

We are listening... .

[fromheeltoheal]

Kind of vague peacebaby, but I can relate.  On Thursday I went to a new client's office, a very good client that it was important for me to show up well with.  I did do well for most of it, but at the end I ran out of energy and had an anxiety attack, you know, the kind where you're pretty uncomfortable and nervous, and you get confirmation that you're not doing well from the looks on people's faces, important client's faces.  Hate it when that happens.  I'm a sorta anxious person anyway, but when I spend too much time alone and work too hard, it gets difficult to keep it together around people I just met.  It's symptomatic for me too.  I haven't spoken to the main guy yet, but when I do again, I'm going to bring it up and be honest with him, which is different from the past where I would just ignore it and move on.  Intentional vulnerability.  We'll see what happens.

I'm not OK with it either peace, because I consider it a display of weakness, and will go for the strength that is vulnerability next time we chat.  Don't know if that's even remotely related to what you consider your 'screw up' peace, but thanks for starting the conversation.

[seeking balance]

So I screwed up like a crazy person the other day and I'm having a really hard time dealing with it. Just completely screwed up in a symptomatic way. And I just don't know how to be okay with it. How to make myself feel okay. Just gonna post this before I don't post it and if all the responses hurt me and I respond defensively, so be it.

Courage in posting - what's up?

For the record, every single one of us has had an epic screw up 

[peacebaby]

Thanks you guys. I really seldom screw up *anything* never mind big things, so feeling like I did makes me feel crappy in a way I'm not used to feeling crappy. Basic details--I was in a hearing for this lawsuit and responded in full PTSD mode. I forgot how important it was, I just responded to the condescension in his voice and his confrontational manner, and suddenly I just wanted to get as far from him as I could so I answered the questions badly and believe I screwed up royally. It's my first lawsuit, and not my kind of thing really, but I did get hurt on something that was unfinished and is still unfinished and could hurt someone else. And I cannot tell you how much I could use the money.

It's the kind of thing my ex with BPD did all the time--she's better than I am at dealing with failures of this type. With everything, one feels better with time, so I'm a bit better than earlier today. But I'm still freaked, because I've never responded like that under pressure except in therapy and with my partner.

[an0ught]

Hi peacebaby,

being triggered, out of control and at the same time observing the whole mess in a helpless manner  .

But I'm still freaked, because I've never responded like that under pressure except in therapy and with my partner.

I remember once being triggered when sitting with my boss and another observer and having to do a really stressful task the first time. I screwed up, fumbled badly and it took me a while to figure out what happened. I could trace it back to having to deal with a fair amount of narcissism in childhood. Once I saw that I could suddenly tie a whole set of other similar situations to this trigger event which did not feel as trigger but where my performance was inexplicably stalled in mid flight.

Just wondering whether there is any connection to childhood and your relationship to figures of authority during that time?

[peacebaby]

Just wondering whether there is any connection to childhood and your relationship to figures of authority during that time?

Most certainly.  I don't remember it, but the story goes that I started psychotherapy when I was two years old after I told my mother I hated her. I do remember a couple therapists I had before I was ten. It was clear to me early on that my mother wanted me to be this perfect daughter I would never be, and both of my parents were uncomfortable with emotions, so I felt that they were using therapy to try to change me. This taught me to keep quiet about my real feelings early on, and not trust professionals who said they were there to help me.

Then, when I was a teenager, I learned to build a wall of anger to protect my vulnerable emotions while living with my father and his 2nd wife who I now believe was NPD. They got me all involved in their personal crazy therapy cult that revolved around her narcissism. Two years of emotional abuse, having therapy used to try to get me to admit I was crazy and my stepmother was not the crazy one. Oh and they sent me to a mental hospital and a residential treatment center... . Surviving those years made me very protective of  my emotions and I learned how to fake it really well. Afterwards I felt like I had to be really super perfect for my mother.

20 years later I got into a 12 year relationship with someone with BPD. I practiced the above skills regularly, and learned new ways of defending myself from new kinds of abuse. I've got some PTSD from her that I'm addressing now.

I've had in total 13 years of therapy in my adult life. I'm still pretty defensive. They lawyer's behavior was verbally abusive and it triggered me into panic. I learned that from my ex.

Feeling much better about it today. Love how time heals. But still can't believe I did it.

[Cumulus]

Hi peace baby. Oh man who hasn't gotten into one of those situations when you want the earth to just swallow you whole. Out of sheer orneriness I've sometimes felt like I've purposely put myself out there. Kind of like, you think I'm crazy? Well, let me just show you crazy! 

Funny isn't it how much more work it is to show you're sane and stable than it does to show you're crazy and unstable.

One of the ways I talk to myself is to ask if this will still be important in a year? Will I still even remember it in a year? Not likely in most cases.

All the best peace baby. Cumulus.

[an0ught]

Peacebaby,

Then, when I was a teenager, I learned to build a wall of anger to protect my vulnerable emotions while living with my father and his 2nd wife who I now believe was NPD. They got me all involved in their personal crazy therapy cult that revolved around her narcissism. Two years of emotional abuse, having therapy used to try to get me to admit I was crazy and my stepmother was not the crazy one. Oh and they sent me to a mental hospital and a residential treatment center... . Surviving those years made me very protective of  my emotions and I learned how to fake it really well. Afterwards I felt like I had to be really super perfect for my mother.

it is hard to leave such legacy behind   but behind you must leave it.

For many years in my youth I learned survival meant to adjust myself into a narcissistic system. Instinctively I take a lower serving role and only over the past few years I have managed to become aware and manage the pattern. The way I think about it is that there was not enough mass of self and so I shift too easily into a lower than necessary position which I then resent.

What helped me on that front was working on two aspects. One were boundaries, having them connected to values and having my actions better aligned to them. A useful book I found was Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem in that it helped me to recognize and decrease the amount of self sabotage I was engaged in and coming to terms with the mistakes I make in my quest to do better. The second aspect was becoming a bit more creative - doing smaller projects I feel strongly about and giving less about what others think on it.  I guess it is all about gaining weight and having a good shell to go around it.  Self worth weight of course only

[peacebaby]

it is hard to leave such legacy behind    but behind you must leave it.

See, that's the only thing I really take out of your post--the idea that you think I'd like "keep my legacy" of my childhood. That's all I see--you thinking I'm stupid enough to think I want to keep my stupid issues that I'm obviously trying to deal with--here and with YEARS of therapy as I just described.

Go ahead and tell me why you felt you needed to say that? An emoticon hug in the middle of the sentence does not take away from the fact that you are accusing me of not wanting to leave my past behind--someone in this thread asked me/challenged me to connect the issue to my childhood issues, and now after reading that you tell me I need to leave my issues behind? How in the world is that supposed to help me?

Damn I hate this board. Or rather me. I hate me. Either way. Life is a big bucket of words we can't use on this board.

[seeking balance]

I've got some PTSD from her that I'm addressing now.

Hey Peacebaby - what therapy are you using on this?  EMDR?  DBT skills?

PTSD triggering sucks, we "know" it is happening yet we cannot seem to control us.  Did you feel it and know it happening in the moment?

[peacebaby]

Mostly DBT skills but am going to see a therapist that's an expert with ptsd from domestic violence soon.

In the moment, no, I did not realize what was going on. I felt totally justified in being defensive with the lawyer because of the way he was treating me, and I was expecting that eventually he would ask the right questions. I had no idea how badly I was f-ing up until it was over. I was totally triggered and freaked and didn't realize until after. That's part of what was so scary about it. I was just so angry at him for the way he was treating me that I forgot that it was important to tell my story as best I could.

[seeking balance]

Mostly DBT skills but am going to see a therapist that's an expert with ptsd from domestic violence soon.

I can't remember, did you go through DBT with your ex or were you working the workbook with your current T?

In the moment, no, I did not realize what was going on. I felt totally justified in being defensive with the lawyer because of the way he was treating me, and I was expecting that eventually he would ask the right questions. I had no idea how badly I was f-ing up until it was over. I was totally triggered and freaked and didn't realize until after. That's part of what was so scary about it. I was just so angry at him for the way he was treating me that I forgot that it was important to tell my story as best I could.

Yeah, I have had that happen too - where looking back I certainly wish I would have handled conflict differently. 

Looking back now, can you identify the feelings or the moment when it started to change into defense mode for you?  Can you remember that feeling for next time?  I have also heard that pulling that feeling up and doing empty chair work with your T can be a healthy way to reboot your brain for next time.

[peacebaby]

Wanted to share an update on this situation and get some feedback. As you can see from the earlier posts, I've been having some PTSD reactions to things, and I'm not sure how much it's effecting my situation with this lawsuit. I'm a really honest person, and I don't usually have memory issues of this sort, but just 6 months out of a loong relationship with someone with BPD, I'm a bit off my game.

I got the transcript of the hearing in the mail, and in places it is not how I remember it. I knew I'd come off less dysregulated on paper than I did in person, but there's at least one particular nasty exchange that the lawyer and I had that isn't in the transcript--the top of a page begins right after where I believe one of these exchanges happened. Though the page numbers are right, it's like there's a section missing.

I believe the section made both me and the lawyer look like jerks, so it's probably better that it's not there. But I can't tell if my memory is screwed 'cause I was so dysregulated. I want to be honest, but I don't want to put my credibility at risk... . Probably I should ask my lawyer?

[talithacumi]

Yes, definitely ask your lawyer. There should be an audio tape recording of the deposition (or, at least there was the last time I was deposed) against which the written transcript can be verified.

Also, just so you know, it's pretty common for the opposing lawyer to do everything they can reasonably get away with in order to undermine your confidence, and create room to attack your character/credibility during both a deposition and cross-examination. You may have been off your game, but, please know, you were also being specifically targeted/attacked to elicit the reaction you ended up having ... . it wasn't just you.

You have my sympathy. Lawsuits SUCK! Hope yours ends quickly, with as little cost/disruption to your life as possible, so you can get back to focusing on simply taking care of yourself/healing again.

All the best,

TC

[peacebaby]

Thanks, TC. The lawyer at the transit hearing was just so nice, and I forgot/no one reminded me, that the city lawyer might try to mess with me. I wish I'd been prepared for that. I guess I do have to ask my lawyer... . Just don't like him... .