Does travelling trigger "BPD episode"

[yeeter]

Sounds like some change tundra, in how you are interacting



Keep learning and working on it!

Next time she says something putting more pressure on your daughter, rather than directly challenging her parenting style, just offer YOUR perspective.  Something like when she says... .So that's where she went wrong.

You counter ( especially if within earshot of your daughter):  ' well I think she did great and I am so proud of her for her efforts'

If your wife counters with another ya... .but... .Statements.  Either let it go, or just give another positive affirming statement.  ( obviously you can't go on forever like this so at some point you have to just let it be)

But often times, it feels like my wife will quickly turn it into a competition even for our child's affection.  If I am giving positive affirmation then she jumps on this wagon... .Not wanting to be seen as the parent just dragging them down.

BE the emotional rock that your daughter needs!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Wrongturn1]

So then all at once, Saturday afternoon, it is like a switch is flipped and she is Chatty Cathy all of the sudden.  Going on as if nothing had happened and she hadn't been an incredibly rude, hateful, abusive harpy for the past 24 hours or so.

Very strange.  We are back to our distant and superficial existence rather than downright hostility.  I don't think I am in a "Pull" phase.  I'm not sure she is capable of Pulling anymore.  For her lack of Push is her Pull.

Nicely done then.  Kudos to you for not cowering and groveling in response to her silent treatment!  Enjoy the relative peace until the next blowup over the trip.   

It is strange how quickly they can flip from furious at us / silent treatment back into "chatty kathy / normal mode" again, as if nothing ever happened.

[tundraphile]

Four weeks ago I finally got the confirmation that the trip would be 12/9-12/16.  The latter part was somewhat arbitrary because I wasn't contributing.  Spoke with my boss about leaving Friday rather than Saturday because of recital for D7 Saturday night.  He said no problem, and in fact maybe I wouldn't go as it would incur $4000 or so in expenses, somewhat silly for a one day meeting that he himself was attending anyway.

Two weeks ago we went over the agenda and my participation was all over it.  Later I asked him about Saturday, he apologized and said no problem and we corrected it.  Then I did something I regret, I reminding him of his own idea for me to stay stateside and videoconference in the middle of the night with them.  That didn't sit well with him (you could tell) but he agreed.

Ever since then I have been sick about it.  I feel guilty that he and another person (both of whom were already going) still have to prepare.  I feel like I'm not earning my salary although rationally I know I will "produce" far more than either of them that week.  I dread the next trip where I know I won't be able to weasel out of going.  I feel angry that I even have to stress about trips, then depressed with the knowledge I have chosen this life.  I feel weak that since 9/21 I haven't even mentioned this to uBPDw, although I know I have to.  Scared, frustrated, and sabotaging your own career are not fun.

But at the moment the worst is that I am doubting everything I considered about myself with regard to maturity, knowledge of BPD, courage... .everything.  She didn't even have to threaten this time for me to do this.  At some level I feel that as long as I stay with her she has won.  I didn't realize the depth of her control over me.

The day after the conversation at work I had what I believe to be a mild panic attack, the first I have ever experienced.  Outwardly people might not have known as I sat in the meeting, but inside I honestly thought I was going to either have a heart attack or nervous breakdown right in front of my colleagues.  It took a couple of days for me to recover from it, but yet I haven't mentioned it to her.  Knowing her I will either be a) ridiculed as weak, or b)dismissed.

I have decided to find a counselor for myself to work through these issues.  In the past uBPDw has insisted on putting up boundaries to make it nigh on impossible to see one.  Basically Saturdays only and hours from our house ("people talk about your business!".  This was her condition for me to see a counselor, she of course refused emphatically that no way in hell was she going to a counselor.  So I haven't told her of this, and don't plan to either.  Then I feel like one last part of my personality I pride myself on is also gone: honesty.

[tundraphile]

Told her about the trip and the poor choice I had made tonight.  I tried to frame it in a fashion of "can you help me with this issue... ."

Of course she was immediately on he offensive.  When I asked what she would do in my position her only position was that I wouldn't make it back for the recital Saturday night.

"But assume for a minute that I would make it back, what would you do then?"

Chances are overwhelming that I will in fact be back, there would have to be a blizzard in Dallas or huge power grid failure to delay return a whole day.  But she is taking that remote possibility as a certainty, this way she can avoid coming to the obvious conclusion that I should go. 

Why did I expect to her to be anything other than unreasonable?

[Wrongturn1]

Tundra,

Glad you're still around and posting.  Would be interested to know how your counseling goes, although if it were me, I would tell her about it.  If you don't, you know she'll eventually find out and treat it like the worst thing that ever happened, as if you cheated on her or something. 

Sorry to hear about the near-panic attack at work.  I've been through similar stuff, and it's tough - near impossible to focus on your job and be effective at times like that.

[tundraphile]

This has been a humbling few weeks for me, but really the entire year has been many different emotions.  Fear, hope, shame, empowerment, anger, frustration... .I have worked through many things but still have more to go.  I've decided that I am not capable of handling all of this on my own.  I have decided not to tell her before going to counselling, maybe after a couple of times I will tell her.  Maybe not.

When I say humbling it is about the realization that one thing I pride myself on, my own "self-awareness", is basically for naught.  In many ways I am still struggling with the same issues (cedependency) that I thought I had worked through two decades ago.  My wife is an immature, nasty, dysfunctional person but I let her be that way to me.  At this moment I voluntarily accept this abuse, but why?  Am I rationalizing staying for the sake of D7 because I know how uBPDw will act after a split?  Am I just afraid to be alone and will take the kick in the gut everyday to have someone around?  :)o I just not think I'm good enough to deserve better?  At this moment I don't trust my own judgement and wonder if I ever had any to start with.

I worry constantly about how staying affects D7, and how leaving would damage her.  I don't have much of a support system (uBPDw has made sure I am as isolated and estranged from friends as possible), the few people I do talk to advise to hit the road ASAP.  I question the wisdom of this though as their stories seem more extreme.  It would be easy if she was a drug addict and I knew I would get custody.  She is much, much more cunning than that and knows D7 is most important thing to me, exactly where she would lash out to hurt me.  I am also not naive enough to think the legal system will protect the abused from the abuser, especially if the abuser has two X chromosomes.

But the the circular thoughts come in, if I accept it am I really abused or just masochistic?

I made a poor choice with declining to travel, but I think at some point I had to make that choice if only to know how badly I feel.  My resolve is strengthened for the next time.  It wasn't a conscious decision, but became clear to me almost immediately afterward.  As it is now I will be basically working through the night teleconferencing instead next week.  Can't wait to hear the rages from her on that one, she might have to get D7 up herself each morning.

Basically counselling will be for myself, working on myself and I anticipate she will only be a bit player.  She brings out the worst traits in myself that I do not like about myself.  I feel the need to detach from her emotionally (has been going on all year), only then after healing myself can I hope to salvage something out of the last 15 years.

[Wrongturn1]

My wife is an immature, nasty, dysfunctional person but I let her be that way to me.  At this moment I voluntarily accept this abuse, but why?  

I think that a lot of us nons, for whatever reason, have a very high tolerance for accepting crappy treatment from people.  Your goal of getting yourself healthier is a worthy one.  You can't change your wife's behavior, but if you get yourself healthy, there is a good chance that your wife's behavior will no longer harm you.  I have heard multiple anecdotes where the non gets into counseling and gets healthy; then as a result, the non accepts less crappy treatment, and the BPD's behavior improves significantly as a natural consequence of the change in the dynamics of the relationship (conversely, a healthy non might decide to leave the relationship once the non achieves a healthy perspective). 

In my own experience, once I learned about BPD and started decreasing my own level of codependency (walking on fewer eggshells now... .not entirely perfectly on my part), my uBPD wife has improved her behavior significantly, and she is blaming me for her problems a lot less often. 

Hope your late-night teleconferencing went well - would be interested to hear how well your wife dealt with that (logic would dictate that she would be grateful to you for teleconferencing instead of traveling overseas, but I suspect logic might not be her main driving force :-)).

[tundraphile]

Latest overseas trip starts this Sunday (first one in 18 months).  Up until yesterday everything was going OK, with only momentary hints of hostility regarding being gone. 

Last night (and this morning) the explosion finally came.  Rage, insults, threats, and now it is obvious that she uses my concern and love for D8 to try to control me.  She knows trips like this are not optional.  So she knows I will have to go, now it is up to her to make it as unpleasant as possible.  I told her this morning that her tactic is to try to control my actions, and when she can't control my actions she at least will try to control my mood while I'm doing those actions.

During her morning tantrum she intimated that she will have divorce papers ready when I get back, I warned her not ot make idle threats and if that is what she chooses to do, she will live with the consequences.  Ironically they are pouring the concrete deck for the stupid pool today as well.  I pointed out to her that after all that I do for her, after all that I sacrifice to try to keep her happy, if she still doubts my committment to her there is nothing more I can do.  I'm tapped out of energy, emotional support, and money.  She has everything that I can give her now.

Like last time, said she wanted NC while I was 6000 miles away for the week.  "I CONTROL THE PHONES!  DON'T CALL I WON'T ANSWER!"  When I told her I would just facetime with D8 then, she assured me she won't answer either. 

This is, no other word for it, abuse. 

The question is what to do about it.