All hell broke loose and I cannot cope anymore.

[Nearlybroken]

I have not posted much on here for a while as I have been ill... . had a spell in hospital and am now recovering at home.Yesterday all broke loose.I am going to summarise what happened because I barely have the energy to re-live it, but I know I need the help of you all in processing what went on and moving forward from it.Despite my best efforts in keeping the "he has BPD" thing in my mind I still find  his actions incomprensible,inhumane and cruel.I still take things personally.I still dwell and ruminate.I still seek closure.WHY?What is it in me that still prays for the answers and a happy ending?Why am I not strong enough to forget and move on? Anyway... . I have had an operation to repair a problem with my foot.I am on crutches and find it difficult to move.My ex was moving some furniture from our house.he still refuses to discuss practicalities such as the mortgage but decided he would like to move his TV from our house to my flat where he is staying ( I know, I am soft and didnt want to see him homeless as his parents would worry ).He turned up and mutual  male friends of ours were visiting.All they know is that "the golden couple" have split.I am too ashamed to tell the full reasons behind the split and also feel a stupid sense of wanting to protect my ex (why?) so people don't know what I have suffered at his hands.He came in the house and all was normal.The way he spoke to me and about me was as if we were still together.It was crazy.I just let it go and behaved normally.We actually all had a lovely time and our friends were laughing and joking with me .I asked the guests if they would like a drink and one offered to make them due to me being on crutches.They left and it all went wrong.As soon as the door closed I was subject to what I can only describe as the most crazy deluded ***t ever.He accused me of attention seeking by allowing my guests to make the drinks and making him look bad.I was getting people "on side" by being nice.I had accused him of being a liar and a cheat.I checked up on him and tried to control him.I was always hysterical.I constantly brought up things from the past and had a go at him whenever I fancied.My actions made him realise he didnt want to be with me.

The few times I tried to open my mouth I was shot down with " I will not talk about our split and what led to it anymore.All that is to be said has been said.Your explanations upset me".I presume this is because I have always countered his irrational crap with calm logic.

He then accused me of getting two friends A and B to hack his phone and tell me when he is playing online games.Were is not for the venom behind his accusation I would have laughed.I didnt even know you could hack a phone like that and even if I knew how to I never would and certainly wouldnt ask my friends to do so!What the heck?He told me he was going to call them and have words.This upset me as they are both lovely women who have never taken sides and continue to be his friend.

He said I had abused him when we were together by using sex as a weapon and depriving him.I pointed out we had sexual contact of some sort  everyday during the years we were together.His response: once we went a week  without.I asked when and he said " when you were at the end of your pregnancy and you slept lots".he then said that I gave him contact everyday to avoid being good in bed... . that I favoured frequency over effort.

He then went on to re-write our relationship, make a lot of crap up and end it with "see, everyone thinks you are great.they don't know what I went through.Do not contact me ever again about this.This is done.You get friendly with me then start bringing stuff up and I cannot cope.I have asked you this before. You make me talk about stuff that makes me uncomfortable.Leave it".Stormed out.Series of texts along same lines.I should not have responded but I could not handle the injustice.So I corrected him when he was wrong ( in my usual calm manner)... . to which I got more twisted crap and paranoid thinking in response.Final text "I have told you why you ruined our relationship and made me think you were not for me .Stop trying to explain and put your point forward. leave me alone or I will take this further.I may ring you next week.Depends".

So I have cried all night.I am over analysing everything.I am still loving him and just wanting it to be OK.I am not strong enough to deal with this.I cannot put into words how soul destroying it is to be on the receiving end of this BPD injustice.And I dont know why but I want him to see that I am a nice person, that I got him help, that I loved him and that he was lucky to have me.I want him to realise what he has put me through.I want things not to be all about him.I am angry and upset, my stomach is in knots and I just want to sit down and talk and make him see my point of view.I am such a mess and I am pissed off at myself for still adoring him.I am at the stage now that I cant even tell my friends and they are pissed off with me adoring him too.they cannot understand what it is like to be on the receiving end of BPD.Not surprising really as I cannot begin to explain it to them.There are no words to describe it and the pain it brings.

I apologise for the rant everyone but everything is jumbled in my head and I am struggling with everything I say and do being twisted.I am really struggling to cope.It's all a mess... . angry, hurt,frustrated,heartbroken... . take your pick.

Thanks for reading.NB.xxxxx

[heartandwhole]

Nearlybroken,

A really big   to you.  I'm sorry that you are hurting, and I understand your feelings.  Of course you want your pwBPD to see that you have loved him, treated him kindly, understood him - it's human nature and you want what we all want.  It is so painful to realize our powerlessness when it comes to another person's reality.

For your own emotional health, I think the best thing you can do is try to remove yourself from the situation if your pwBPD starts to rage or communicate disrespectfully. Walk away, turn off the phone, take a breather.  Once dysregulated, trying to reason with someone in that state is next to impossible.  It's not fair and it hurts, I know, but the alternative causes you unnecessary suffering.  You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, as does pwBPD, and everyone else.

I hope you will remember that this is not personal. These are maladaptive coping strategies, projections, and abandonment fears coming at you with full force.  Pain that creates more pain, unfortunately.

Hang in there.  We understand and we are here for you.  

[seeking balance]

Sorry you are struggling - I know having our own physical health issues seem to make it even more difficult.

What I did to depersonalize the absolute meanness that I felt come from my ex as we divorced was to really focus on the facts of BPD.  I focused on they "whys", I read Linehan, DBT kind of anything I could to get my head around it all so I could separate myself from it.

Do you have a good friend who can come over and just be with you while you are recovering?  Again, the surgery (physical ailments) even if minor, takes such a toll on our emotional health - I know when I am sick I can get bluesy... . and you are dealing with the very real aspects of him and moving... . of course you feel overwhelmed.

It will get better - I know it doesn't feel that way right now.

Peace,

SB

[patientandclear]

NB -- aside from my feelings of profound identification with what you wrote -- the awfulness of being told that you are failing someone in ways that make no rational sense & when in fact you have been bending over backwards to meet all those needs because you care so much -- one overriding thing jumps out at me reading that post:

You are trying to reason with him.  You are JADEing as they say on the Staying board (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  It doesn't work with someone wBPD & it makes the dynamic worse.  Your calm rationality is not helpful because you are telling him he is wrong.  He is not going to accept that -- his defense mechanisms will ensure that you are repudiated if you continue to be identified with that position in his mind.

Validation is such an opposite response to JADEing but it can, in its own way, be empowering to you.  Instead of arguing, you could say "if I felt someone were tracking me by hacking my phone that would make me really upset."  Right?  It's true, isn't it?  He DOES have some concept you are controlling & tracking him -- if it comes from projection (he is controlling & tracking you), it doesn't make his thoughts less real to him.  But you don't have to respond by saying "I would never do that."  You can say "it sounds like you fear I am tracking & controlling you.  That must be an awful feeling.  I know I'd feel awful if I thought someone was doing that to me."

I'm not saying that validation is going to be a silver bullet that fixes this situation, but I do see that you are expecting rationally defending yourself & arguing with his perceptions to get you somewhere with this man, and with someone wBPD, it won't.

My pwBPD sometimes has astonishing reactions to me.  When I've devoted enormous attention to his thoughts and feelings, he'll focus on one turn of phrase & decide that actually I am all about my own ideas and out to crush his.  Or when I've been ultra attentive he'll focus on a brief delay in responding as evidence that I am upset at him. Or when I've been giving him respectful space he'll think I am trying to capture him. ... . Point is, his thoughts can be and often are 180 degree from reality.  They're still what he feels though.  We are not going to talk them out of these feelings, and trying is a very painful, hurt-generating project.

[Learning_curve74]

NB, hang in there. I don't have anything to add except a big hug for you because you deserve one. 

[MammaMia]

NB

We are glad you are back.  You have been through so much lately. 

I understand you want to get your point across to your BPDh, BUT it may be futile to try to do so.  He will not react favorably.  PwBPD are ultrasensitive to being "accused" of anything.  They retaliate, just as your BPDh did.  They are not able to accept responsibility for their actions because everything is someone else's fault.  Sadly, there is little that can be done to change that.

Stop trying to rationalize with someone who is totally incapable of being rational.

This is where boundaries are so important.  His behavior is unacceptable.   Do not argue with him or try to justify your feelings... . since you are not ambulatory, insist he leave.  The discussion is over.  Tell him you have nothing more to say and do not be baited into a prolonged combative argument in the future.

If you are unable to do this, you will need to learn to roll with the punches.  Listen to his complaints but do not respond.  Others have said it and I will too  DO NOT TAKE HIS RAGING PERSONALLY.  This requires a tremendous amount of

self-control on your part but it can be done.  Keep telling yourself, this is his disorder talking and nothing more.  Then you MUST learn to let it go.

I am sorry things have been so difficult for you.   As we all know, BPD twists everything we say into something negative.  Often, the best response is NO response.

I hope you feel better soon.  Stay strong and know we are all here for you.

[Washisheart]

You are not alone. I gave all I had, sacrificed it all, left myself with nothing in order to take care of him and it means nothing.today he said something along the lines of not being able to deal with me anymore. My brain cussed him out but my mouth stayed silent. I am in shut down mode and there is really nothing left for me to say. It's not worth it. I love him, I won't lie about that but 4 1/2 years of giving you all I have and you act like you can't be bothered with me? I am not, really just not, tormenting myself over this anymore

[MammaMia]

What we need to realize is that no matter how much we give, no matter what the cost ... . emotionally and/or financially... . it will NEVER be enough for pwBPD.

Their emotional needs are a bottomless abyss that is impossible to fill.  I doubt there is enough love or comfort in the universe to make them truly happy.  This is the nature of BPD.

Take care of yourself.  Pick up the pieces of your broken self-esteem and move on.  It is the only way to heal.  Life WILL go on.  

[blurry]

Talking things out, reasoning, trying to explain myself, literally this has never worked with my wife, maybe on a very rare occasion she would be receptive to normal communication. And the funny thing, or not so funny, I know it without a doubt, yet I go at it full force with her and like I just read somewhere else in this forum, its like poking a bear with a stick, leaving me mauled.

She breaks it off every single time and then, only then, do I finally shut up, go NC, and count the days and minutes till she breaks NC, begging me to come back to her. I'm really like a kid who's been told the iron is hot, who even tested it for himself and already got third degree burns repeatedly, and continues to insist on touching the iron... . its really disturbing, the whole sad situation.

[Nearlybroken]

Thank you all for your (as always) kind and wise words.I do not know what I would do if I did not have this forum.I am about to post about the events of last night... . events which I really cannot comprehend.Things just keep getting crazier and more painful... . :'(

[Validation78]

Hey NB!

My heart goes out to you, as all here, since we understand what you are going through. It's tough wrapping your head around the complexities of BPD.

I too found it most helpful to learn all I could about the illness, I still read all I can on it. Somehow it helps to validate me. It also helped me see some of the things I needed to change in myself. The best lessons have been in the realm of personal and spiritual growth, all thanks to an understanding of an illness I had never heard of until 2 years ago!

If it continues to get crazier and more painful, as you are saying, you can take steps to put an end to that. Put the focus on you and your well being. Do whatever you have to do to take are of yourself and your needs. Hard as it is, stop placing any validity to the words he speaks. I know how hard it is to hear his projections, and to discern between the truth and the BPD truth, so maybe it's best to keep it LC until you're in a better place yourself!

Best Wishes,

VAl78