I just need to express what this feels like...detaching or holding on?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm stuck between detaching and holding on, right now it feels like I may be stuck there forever. It's a few years now since we met, and I've been living through the ups and downs of discard number 4 since July.

This is how I'm feeling... .and what I wish he could know, if I could speak to him freely and let it out... .it's an emotional outpouring of sorts. I spend so much time repressing my true feelings for him or trying to talk myself out of them.

Thanks for listening if you take the time to read. Maybe others can relate to the seemingly never ending roller coaster. Maybe the end of it is near for me, I hope so.! What a bizarre journey it has been!

Here goes... .
I feel a sick jolt in my chest when I think of how much I loved you and how much I still do. No love or relationship has had such a deep effect on me, ever! Everyone tells me to let go and move on. I manage it sometimes, and other times it seems ludicrous that we are even apart. I felt so at home with you, even with your 'eccentricities' and problems, and the love went both ways, I do know that much.

Everyone fears the vulnerability of love, but I've never loved someone who fears it as much as you. My heart was broken when you ended it again, after an attack of those silly jealous accusations once again. I knew you were about to walk out, that anything I said in that moment to keep you there was futile. I got used to that feeling, knew when your meltdown was coming.

You want me to be utterly there for you, yet you want me to loosen my grip and let you flee. You'll do or say anything in those times, to run, to get away, to be 'allowed' to hate me and mistrust me. It's hard to imagine how different things look to you, how your perception warps it all into something else. Something so different from what's in my heart. All that you wanted me to give you was there for the taking, several times over.

When you left again, you couldn't get away quick enough! Then there's the sad and silent, introspective time where I'm sure I must get on with helping myself now, I feel like there's finally no choice. Then... .you reach out when I think "no way, he won't THIS time, surely not... ." But you did, and you managed to sway my attention back to you when I was making a good job of detaching.
But this time I refused to meet up in person (because all that ever happens is I see you and cry into your chest about us parting, and wish you could get better, and you just look at me numbly, wishing you could connect with reality again).

So I deny this meeting and you explode via another angry "I'm leaving your life forever" text. Can't count how many times you've left my life and crushed me after saying you want to know me again... .So I said ok, fine, I'll get on with my life, and I block you. But then I wonder... .did he really mean it this time... ? Those awful things he said. Im the one reaching out this time, to find out. And when you tell me you didn't mean it, and you're off trying to get help, and you sign the card with love -----xxx , Miss you... --- I'm back in limbo again, knowing we need space, or that it's over, or that perhaps... .one day, there is hope.

But people say even with help, it's near impossible. And you're just at the start of that road. And sometimes you love and adore me, and other times you seem to resent me inside out! Turn me into something I'm not with your poor broken projecting imagination. And then you see you've broken your favourite toy again! When you didn't mean to... .and so... .it... .goes.

All I know, is that I still have far too many days where I'm looking out the window, feeling I've lost my soul mate. Even after you've hallucinated affairs, hurt me so much with silent treatments... .you got a little better each time... a bit more understanding of your problems. But it wasn't enough to stay there, so I don't know why I am stuck in between worlds, wondering about it all still... .Why and how would it change... ?
But these are my feelings. I've tried to fight it all so much, my love for you. If only you knew how I love every inch of you.
Being sick of the volatile texting, our communication is now via post only. I guess that's not a good sign! So... If I don't get the letter you said you might send by the time I move house, I guess I'm really giving up the ghost. What a relevant turn of phrase! My beautiful ghost. I just want to love you!

[Zinnia21]

I'm stuck between detaching and holding on, right now it feels like I may be stuck there forever. It's a few years now since we met, and I've been living through the ups and downs of discard number 4 since July.

This is how I'm feeling... .and what I wish he could know, if I could speak to him freely and let it out... .it's an emotional outpouring of sorts. I spend so much time repressing my true feelings for him or trying to talk myself out of them.

Thanks for listening if you take the time to read. Maybe others can relate to the seemingly never ending roller coaster. Maybe the end of it is near for me, I hope so.! What a bizarre journey it has been!

Here goes... .
I feel a sick jolt in my chest when I think of how much I loved you and how much I still do. No love or relationship has had such a deep effect on me, ever! Everyone tells me to let go and move on. I manage it sometimes, and other times it seems ludicrous that we are even apart. I felt so at home with you, even with your 'eccentricities' and problems, and the love went both ways, I do know that much.

Everyone fears the vulnerability of love, but I've never loved someone who fears it as much as you. My heart was broken when you ended it again, after an attack of those silly jealous accusations once again. I knew you were about to walk out, that anything I said in that moment to keep you there was futile. I got used to that feeling, knew when your meltdown was coming.

You want me to be utterly there for you, yet you want me to loosen my grip and let you flee. You'll do or say anything in those times, to run, to get away, to be 'allowed' to hate me and mistrust me. It's hard to imagine how different things look to you, how your perception warps it all into something else. Something so different from what's in my heart. All that you wanted me to give you was there for the taking, several times over.

When you left again, you couldn't get away quick enough! Then there's the sad and silent, introspective time where I'm sure I must get on with helping myself now, I feel like there's finally no choice. Then... .you reach out when I think "no way, he won't THIS time, surely not... ." But you did, and you managed to sway my attention back to you when I was making a good job of detaching.
But this time I refused to meet up in person (because all that ever happens is I see you and cry into your chest about us parting, and wish you could get better, and you just look at me numbly, wishing you could connect with reality again).

So I deny this meeting and you explode via another angry "I'm leaving your life forever" text. Can't count how many times you've left my life and crushed me after saying you want to know me again... .So I said ok, fine, I'll get on with my life, and I block you. But then I wonder... .did he really mean it this time... ? Those awful things he said. Im the one reaching out this time, to find out. And when you tell me you didn't mean it, and you're off trying to get help, and you sign the card with love -----xxx , Miss you... --- I'm back in limbo again, knowing we need space, or that it's over, or that perhaps... .one day, there is hope.

But people say even with help, it's near impossible. And you're just at the start of that road. And sometimes you love and adore me, and other times you seem to resent me inside out! Turn me into something I'm not with your poor broken projecting imagination. And then you see you've broken your favourite toy again! When you didn't mean to... .and so... .it... .goes.

All I know, is that I still have far too many days where I'm looking out the window, feeling I've lost my soul mate. Even after you've hallucinated affairs, hurt me so much with silent treatments... .you got a little better each time... a bit more understanding of your problems. But it wasn't enough to stay there, so I don't know why I am stuck in between worlds, wondering about it all still... .Why and how would it change... ?
But these are my feelings. I've tried to fight it all so much, my love for you. If only you knew how I love every inch of you.
Being sick of the volatile texting, our communication is now via post only. I guess that's not a good sign! So... If I don't get the letter you said you might send by the time I move house, I guess I'm really giving up the ghost. What a relevant turn of phrase! My beautiful ghost. I just want to love you!

[heartandwhole]

Hi zinnia,

I hear the hurt and confusion in your post. I'm sorry that things are so up and down. I know the feeling and it really did a number on my head and heart. You are not alone. 

You say that "maybe the end is near" for you. Do you mean that if he decides your relationship is over, you will accept that and begin detachment?

heartandwhole

[Zinnia21]

Hi heartandwhole
Yes well I guess he's decided it's over so many times it's really messed with my own ability to know what's what. Too often I've loitered around the edges of it after the fallout, waiting for him to come back to earth, to come back to me. I've also genuinely begun detaching a good few times and made what felt like a strong decision to head in that direction.
I recently left the door open for one last try at contact, but I don't think he will come forward anymore. It takes a lot of getting used to. We both know it's not healthy for us to try patch it up and try again when he always sabotages it over and over. But my heart still lingers.
I stopped myself from going to see him the other day because I know how much worse it gets if I have a vivid dose of him in my sight!

I don't want to live in this sadness anymore. I really walked away at one point. I can't believe I've come back so far with my feelings of longing. But it's so sad, like im standing in the dark woods calling out to him. Not only does he not answer, he's not even in the woods, even though he was the one to lead me there in the first place... .if that makes any sense... ?

So I do need to get back on the track of proper detachment. I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to be happy again, but my chest often still feels very hollow... .

[sad but wiser]

 
Honey, this can't be good for you. 

[heartandwhole]

So I do need to get back on the track of proper detachment. I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to be happy again, but my chest often still feels very hollow... .

Hi Zinnia,

I hear you.   I think when we don't know how to make ourselves feel better, we often go back to our "comfort zone," which is the last place we felt safe and/or loved... .no matter how twisted (or even abusive) the situation has been.

A day will come when you realize that he can't make that hollowness go away. It was likely there before him; the relationship has triggered it. I know it's hard. You had the strength to walk away once. That means you can do it again, when you are ready.

heartandwhole

[Larmoyant]

.I'm stuck between detaching and holding on, right now it feels like I may be stuck there forever.

.

This is a familiar feeling, but you won't be stuck forever. The balance will tip, really it will. It must be difficult for you as he seems to have owned some of his issues and has sought help. This leaves you wondering if you can make a go of it even though you know how difficult this would be. So you're waiting and hoping at the same time scared that he'll reject you again. Eventually, in my experience, the fear of being rejected again overtook everything and I was able to jump off the fence. What also held me back though was fear of hurting even more if I didn't have him on some level, and it was this fear that was tied to my family of origin issues. When I worked that out it became a little easier. Not sure if you've explored this yet, but it might help you. Your time will come Zinnia  

[Aboutme2011]

Oh my gosh, that is how I feel too.  I am so struggling with how much I love him.  But I sense in myself that if I think of trying again - I want to be able this time to fix it.  To fix him.  To give love the right way at the right time so that he won't leave me again.  Emotionally or sexually or physically.  And I am struggling with knowing I can't fix it.  And it makes me cry. 

Sorry, I am not help just know you aren't alone.
Stuck