Anyone else feel the same helpless frustration...

[SueLee]

Does anyone else feel the helpless frustration on knowing people think horrible things about you? Our D with BPD lies about us and her childhood and her whole life to anyone who will act interested. It frustrates me and upsets me so badly I can barely stand it. Her new BF and his family surely think we are just trash. And what must her therapist think? Her siblings are bothered by it too. They often say what must people think? And ask do you think people believe her?

Her dad and I don't know what to do. We halo her out as much as we can and yet we hear how we do nothing for her... .and she tells people we do nothing for her. I guess I am feeling down today as I am missing her and especially missing our GD who I worry about. People think our D is an "amazing" and "ideal" mom. She is an ok mom and does the best she can, but she has quirky ideas and makes some bad calls on things when it comes to decisions regarding her health and life in general.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi SueLee,

It's very difficult to be maligned by smear campaigns, or lies that could not be further from the truth. I do not experience this with my son, my experience with the lies mainly comes from my ex husband (uBPD). He said awful things about his family of origin, and I did believe it initially. He said terrible atrocious things about his ex wife. He now says awful things about me.

Over the years, I learned that the actions of his family did not match the words of my ex. Some of the things my ex said about his parents and sibling were so outrageous it was hard to believe.

People can be like I was in the beginning -- gullible. They can also be the way I am now -- discerning. I have a coworker who feels like she has pre-clinical BPD traits and it's always something with her. Every day, the sky is falling, and every day it's someone's fault. Her mother pushed her out of a moving car when she was 3, dropped her off at CPS when she was 5, would leave her alone for days with no food or water. It goes on and on. She is also a victim of things at work, and over time, one by one, co-workers have caught on. The more people get to know your D, the more they will have their doubts. The emotional "facts" never seem to add up because the story is always shifting.

I think how people respond has a lot to do with their boundaries, and whether someone's story "feels" right.

I'm sorry that you're going through this, and that your other children feel the pain of this. It does feel helpful and frustrating. It can also reinforce another truth I'm learning, which is that I can only control my own behaviors, thoughts, and actions, and not what others do or think. There is some comfort in this, although it has taken me a long time to get here.

[SueLee]

Thank you!

The more somebody gets to know her the more aware of her lies they become has always been pretty true. Although she was just diagnosed, we have known something was wrong for awhile but she would toggle from refusing help to seeking it but not liking her therapist. She loves this one, so I am guessing so far this one is buying into the whole pack of lies. Friends come and go, I am guessing because they figure it out and can't deal with it. She is always broken hearted, but never knows why, it is always them being jerks or bad friends. I too, was gullible for awhile. But I can smell a lie from her immediately. My mom has a great theory on why she is distancing herself from the entire family, she thinks that she realizes lies will be exposed to her new boyfriend if she brigs him around. Nobody intentionally calls her out, except myself, before I knew I shouldn't. It is just nobody knows what she has told so they say things that give her away.

I get tired of the boo hoo or her telling people she gets no help for us. And that she was abused. And I did make comment to the new bf that she needs to get a recall on her car fixed while it is free. And he sort of chuckled, and I sad I am serious as we pay car insurance and repairs and her phone bill... .but this is one I won't pay if she neglects it. I know she has probably told him she pays it. I completely clothe our GD and have the luxury of buying usually two totes per season from a close friend and all are GAP, Gymboree, Old Navy, Carter's... .etc and it includes everything to pajamas and dress clothes to regular clothes and coats. And they are like new. I buy some new things and buy her shoes and boots. Recently she has been posting pictures on Facebook of our gd in very worn and mismatched clothes as well as boys clothing. I just sent a tote and a half of spring clothing and four pair of shoes. Yet she isn't using them. Has been thrilled and used the clothing for over two years as I send it but now she isn't. I am not sure what is behind her doing this.

[livednlearned]

My mom has a great theory on why she is distancing herself from the entire family, she thinks that she realizes lies will be exposed to her new boyfriend if she brigs him around. Nobody intentionally calls her out, except myself, before I knew I shouldn't. It is just nobody knows what she has told so they say things that give her away.

I can see how that theory applies. It may also be that your D's behavior is rooted in tremendous shame -- intensive levels of it that we can not even imagine. Not being able to resolve shame, and having no higher order skills to deal with it, people with BPD may find that they lie to help them cope. And then being caught in the lies can lead to further shame. All we see are the lies, and are hurt by them.

My ex did the same thing when I came into his life. He felt his family disrespected me during our first and only interaction, although I did not quite catch the nuances that led him to believe this. Next thing I knew they were cut out of the picture and my son never got to know his paternal grand parents. His parents did interact with my ex as though they wanted to be right, and I think that created a locked horns feel to their family, and ex, having no healthy way to communicate how he felt, opted to break ties with his family. It's so sad and heartbreaking for everyone involved.

I sometimes wonder if I could've salvaged the relationship if I knew about the skills now available to me. I've had to learn to dig into a much deeper well of empathy having a person with BPD in my life, and now my son who shows signs of being much more emotionally sensitive. It's made me a better person, and it is also a great challenge to stay centered.

[Kate4queen]

I got used to walking into situations where my BPD son had met a person first and being treated with suspicion, dislike and sometimes outright hostility. In order to justify his behaviors my son has to construct a world in which he is always the victim because that's the only way his fragile sense of self can survive.

He's 23 now and apparently we kicked him out of our home before he had major surgery, and now refuse to help him and are enjoying an alcohol fueled exotic lifestyle in paradise while poor old him has to struggle with disabilities and needs surgery that we refuse to pay for.

Okay-trust me-none of that is true. but he believes it (this is the important part) is and he is charismatic enough that others believe him, too.

I always look at it this way.a) I don't usually care about what the majority of the people he chooses to befriend think of me. b) I know that 9 times out of 10 he will eventually stop being friends with those people anyway and c) I know I am a good person and not the monster he portrays me as.

That's it. I don't know what else you can do.

[SueLee]

Thank you!

I am comforted (oddly enough   ) by the fact you can relate and tell similar tales to the life I live!

My daughter is 23 and she tells such tales. She will say she is so poor and can't afford anything and would give anything too be home but we won't allow it. Or say that se can't because her dad is abusive, he has never laid a hand on her and defends her even when she doesn't deserve it. Loves her with all his heart. She will say she has begged me to divorce her dad since first grade, she never did. The list goes on.

Right now I am scared because of my GD. My daughter lies about her health and creates illnesses and also isn't always an ideal mom. The new bf is controlling and six years her senior. He seems desperate to have a family. My D is very attractive and petite. I am pretty sure he has never had attention from anyone as pretty or smart, she is extremely intelligent. He talks of marriage (dating 4 months now) and adoption of my GD.

I would love to see my D married but I think this is too soon and he is moving too fast. (Tells everyone it has been 7 months) she was in a very productive relationship with a good guy, but she literally snapped and ran him off.

I pray this relationship dissolves as he is already saying how he won't allow GDs other grandparents visitation once he has say... .

I have to "let it go" and try to not think about the trash talk she dishes out. It is just hard.

[js friend]

Hi SueLee,

When my dd was running away from home from 15 -17yo she was been taken in by her school friends famillies and once by a relative of ours. All was shortlived of course before dd came home moaning about them! .

This happened  more times than i can even count and not one of these people called me to let me know my dd was there... .so i guess they believed what she had told them.  

It still puzzles me how anyone can just take in a child and not inform the family, but then again my dd was/ is good at picking the right people to manipulate and portray herself as a victim so i guess they just thought they were genuinely protecting her.

At first it bothered me what  my dd must have been saying to these people but gradually i came to the conclusion that these people hadnt even walked a day in my shoes so why did i care what they thought and I didnt have to justify myself to them anyway. I know the truth that my dd is disordered and thats all that matters.I dont need to clear my name about anything.

It is hard at first as you say SueLee but further down the road things will get easier.And also as kate4queen has pointed out your dd will probably not remain friends with these people for very long anyway as is the case with my dd. If i ask her about that time and those old school friends or about  their famillies who took her in she always replies in a way that she doesnt know what iam talking about.

[SueLee]

I know what you mean about the whole, I don't know what you are talking about, thing. My D will also tell stories of woe that she didn't have what other kids had... .which is very untrue. I always bought her what was in. And the favorite brands. She had a large wardrobe and nice things. Her life version is sad and pathetic.

I don't understand why she is dressing our GD like a rag bag and I can't figure out where the sorry clothes are coming from. I bought her a brand new pair of Jordan tennis shoes and she keeps putting her in this pair of filthy, fraying Velcro Garanimal shoes. They don't even support her arches or ankles. I have always believed it is important to wear well fitted as well as well made shoes. I grew up with foot and leg issues.

She currently still has one loyal friend, who seriously praises her. It has lasted 3 years, I think this is a record setter. One friend who impressed me for durability flew the coop about seven months ago after about 2.5 years.

The current bf is planning to attend counseling to better understand BPA which may sustain their relationship? I assume he has been lied to repeatedly but live far enough away I can't be certain.

Is it normal for them to crave attention as far as sexual and think it is ok to jump from relationship to relationship? She criticizes others about lesser behavior and excuses her own or lies about the time frame since since her last relationship.

[js friend]

OH SueLee you made me laugh about GD in ragbag clothes  

Seriously, i thought it was only my dd that did this. Most of the time dd  dresses  the 2GC in clothes that are way too small and restricting for them. last time the kids came to stay most of  the clothes  she packed were 3-6month old for the baby, yet GD  is nearly 1years old!.  She says that kids clothes are too expensive... .SO WE BUY THEM CLOTHES... .AND THEN SHE DOESNT LET THEM WEAR THEM. When fisrt gc was born dd said from the start that gc would only be wearing clothes that she (dd) likes!. Any clothes as gifts without first  being veto by dd seem to be a no-no.Even socks seem to be a big thing... .much too small for either child.The clothes we brought for gcs xmas including underwear remain here as she refused to take them with her so i make sure they wear them when they are staying over... .It puzzles me... .yet she has no problems with spending money on herself on things like cosmetics and jewelry that she wears only once and then  ends up on the floor.

Oh and the craving attention sexually seems to be part of BPD. PwBPD hate to be alone. dd20 has even had enough courage to go after a friend of a close relative. dd was invited out to a party and wanted to wear something see through, but the relative told her she wouldnt take her if she wore it. Then  apparently dd disappeared for most of the night literally stalking the relatives friend... .hardly speaking to the relative the whole night. Needless to say the relative was really embarrassed about the way dd conducted herself throwing herself at him in such a way and later hearing about the explicit  things  dd had said to him trying to get him into bed. Another time  dds now  exbf became distraught at the  when he became  aware that she was seeking out other partners online when he had final exams and wasnt showing her enough attention.Later he learned that she actually hooked up with a few too. It destroyed him at the time as he really loved her and couldnt understand it.He couldnt focus and for a while became a bit paranoid. The stress was too much trying to unravel it all and he failed his exams

Also i wanted to add that if dd has fallen out with someone ive noticed that the gc are no longer allowed to wear the clothes that person has brought them. She has done this a few times. Her friend brought GC lovely coats.DD fell out with the girl and the coats were cast aside.Anyway i put gc back in the coats because the weather was cold. When they came to visit they were back in their old coats. material too thin and too small

[SueLee]

Oh my JS Friend! So similar to my D!

I buy all her clothes and when she was using them, she would have her shook down into things way too small. I would say she needs to wear size 12 months. D would reply no she is a size 6 months getting into some 6-9 months. And make her wear restricting clothes. When here I would put her in proper fitting clothing and she would check the tag size and say oh this must run small or you shrunk this. No. This is how big she is! Gosh I don't get that one. My mother gets worked up when GD has on too small of clothing. Currently dressing her like a boy is the big thig. Buying boy underwear and toys. Gets nasty and rude if you buy anything that is even mildly girl. She says she doesn't want her hold brainwashed into the whole girls are this and this... .

Ok but I think (because I don't dare speak) why brainwash her into thinking she is a boy?

I have told my daughter that it isn't necessary to push tons of lace frills and pink on her but allowing dresses and whatnot is not bad.

I said I raised you all the same and you liked denim

Jumpers best. But your sister was always drawn to frills and girly things and asked for them. They had both boy and girl toys to play with because we also have a son and toys were always shared. I didn't cram girl or boy down anyone's throat it was a choice. She isn't giving the 2 yr old GD a choice she is just boy boy boy. And when ae comes here she is so eager to put a baby in a buggy or cook some dinner in her kitchen. But she likes the race cars too.

She is always right and we are the wrong dysfunctional nitwits as far as she is concerned.

I extended a Mother's Day brunch invitation today, with the family. No response yet. I have been trying to figure out how to handle her lack of response to attempted contact with her. I know she wants a phone upgrade which will be available in two weeks... .she needs me to allow account access for this. Should I take my time returning her calls and texts that will suddenly come through?

[js friend]

HI again SueLee,

Again you had me 

Yesssss your dd sounds a lot like mine... .It is nice to find some humour in all of this

And about the calls and texts... .I always try to model good behaviour with my own dd including returning calls or texts. If i see them i return them promptly. DD the otherhand will often take her time to respond. Sometimes she wont respond at all, which does slightly begin to send me into panic mode when it has been a few days i must admit.  I have  spoken to my dd about it and she says that she doesnt always want to "talk" to people and thats that. If she doesnt want to reply she just wont.You can sure bet youll hear from your dd closer to the upgrade. You dont have to allow this to take place if you dont want to. Its is really up to you.Maybe she could do something for you for it to happen.Maybe earn the upgrade somehow.

I know also that my dd hates family get togethers. She hasnt been to one in years. The last one we had a few years ago ended in dd having a meltdown after just one day saying that she couldnt wait to go home.Maybe there is too much pressure there Idk... .We have a family christening coming up soon and i doubt she will be there.family stuff is often a wait and see with dd. I will still go and make plans for the day. If she shows up thats great but I dont get my hopes up and thats how we proceed at the moment

You have extended the invitation which is a lovely thing to do.The ball is now in her court.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi SueLee,

It's tough when daughters don't agree with their moms about how to raise their own kids. I found it really tough to receive advice from my mom because I was insecure whether I was doing things ok. For someone with BPD, feelings of insecurity are going to be exaggerated by a thousand million. Do you think maybe your D feels insecure about her parenting ability?

With my BPD ex, he had to be right. Looking back, I can see now that I also wanted to be right. This happens when we focus on the rational content in the conversation instead of the feelings. D may need more validation that she is doing ok, and connecting with her will help create a more secure base for her to express her own doubts. She might even ask you for your opinion  

It also sounds like she does not share the same ideas about clothing. Would it be minimize hurt feelings if you gave her a gift card so she can choose the kinds of clothes to buy GD?

[SueLee]

Her feelings of security as a parent fluctuate from being secure to saying she isn't. And her being a good parent fluctuates as well. Sometimes she is, and we tell her what a good job she does and we praise her a lot. She does ask for my advice but following it... .again it depends and changes like the wind.

She was totally fine with the clothing purchased and had went through and decided on what we would and wouldn't buy. Just the last two months have resulted in the boy clothes. And the too small has always been an issue but for no reason bc we have the next size up in totes ready to wear.

If I gave her a gift card, most importantly, it wouldn't buy much. For under $200 I am getting a dozen pair of pajamas, socks, several dresses and several jumpers, and at least 18-24 matched outfits, all Gymboree and gap with a little Old Navy and Carter's mixed in. So $200 in a store wouldn't go far. These clothes are like new and some with tags.

Second she would misplace or lose the gift card. She hasn't used any from her baby shower over two years ago.

And lastly she just wouldn't have the motivation to shop for her. She barley has the gumption to buy groceries.

I ask her before I purchase them if it is ok. And if she wants them.

I am a very quick to answer phone calls and return phone calls and I respond to texts immediately.

But lately she is so rude and inconsiderate about responding, I am getting fed up. A few years ago she pulled this and I turned off her texting and within five minutes she called. She wanted to know what the problem was. And I informed her why I did it. This was pre diagnosis.

[livednlearned]

Her feelings of security as a parent fluctuate from being secure to saying she isn't. And her being a good parent fluctuates as well. Sometimes she is, and we tell her what a good job she does and we praise her a lot. She does ask for my advice but following it... .again it depends and changes like the wind.

This sounds like many mother-daughter relationships, including my own.  

With BPD, the fluctuations will likely be more "labile" (I think is the word psychologists use to describe emotional wind-changing). Have you had success using validation with your D? I admit I had some success with this, and then grew frustrated. I noticed something changed and was about to have a full-blown aha moment when a friend here recommended "I Don't Have to Make It Better." I was validating my son, and that was working. It was asking validating questions that helped take it to the next level. I even noticed in myself that I am particularly fond of my own ideas   even if someone coaches me to develop those ideas or solutions. The first link in this list is to the section about asking validating questions in the book, and the last link is to a review of the whole book:

• The Power of Asking Validating Questions



• COMMUNICATION: Validation - tools and techniques:



• COMMUNICATION: Validation - stop invalidating others



• BOOK: I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better

It sounds like you have a good sense about what works and does not work with gift cards. And she is inconsistent when you generously offer to buy clothes. She will agree to items, and then not use them. This might be one of those issues where you decide whether buying clothes for GD is something you want to continue to do. It upsets and frustrates you, and maybe even hurts. This is a battle I recently began to lose with my son. He complains he has no clean Tshirts. I kept bringing home ones that are nice, he rejected all of them. We agreed that when he is ready, he will tell me and we'll do this together. I don't want to feel used and he is not in any rush. This is one of those situations where validating questions have worked well.

It is hard for me to see him wear ill-fitting clothes, or shirts with holes in them. It is hard to coach our kids and help them becoming functioning adults. I would rather focus my efforts here, though. The alternative was for me to keep doing what I was doing, and not seeing any results.

It takes a lot of patience, and sometimes I have to walk away and count to 10 and do some code switching from old habits to new. 

[SueLee]

I haven't really had much of a chance to validate bc since her diagnosis she hang been home for a visit. And since diagnosis the phone/text communication has been hit and miss too. I have always been careful about what I say and do. However I have been known to say D you know that didn't happen or that isn't true... .yikes I had no idea I wasn't supposed to.

I just got a response to the incite for Mother's Day and she said I don't know if I can make it. I said well I really hope you can and so do your grandpa and grandma. She said well I am going through a lot and don't know if I will be able to come home or not because if it... .

That hurts a lot. My parents won't live much longer and they have been good grandparents to her. They miss the GD (great GD to them) so much it breaks my heart.

[SueLee]

Is there a book out there for a BPD to read themselves that actually makes them think? About somebody other than themselves? About how they are killing the only people who love them unconditionally. And that might make them realize they lie and they actually don't have monsters for parents and that they were only abused in their own made up story? I have tears streaming down my face. No sobs.

No bawling. Just tears. I miss my GD and worry sick about her and my D is so selfish and self centered it is all about her.

Her therapist isn't even trained in and certainly doesn't specialize in BPD and it is just so unfair that she has all the say and calls all the shots about everything. Just feeling very down. And sad.

[livednlearned]

It's real grief, SueLee. 

Are you seeing a T to help you through the feelings? It felt counter intuitive to me when my T told me to lean into the pain. I did this, truly grieved, and eventually felt some relief, almost like I was able to see S13 for who he was and not who I wanted him to be, and it stopped feeling so hard all the time. I think he felt the shift too. It was almost like mourning the loss of the dream that my son was going to be xyz. Instead, he is himself, and we meet half way. Pain x resistance = suffering, so they say.

About a book for your D. I wonder if reading Buddha & The Borderline or another book written by someone with BPD might be a good start -- for you? Maybe read it to see if it's something your D would like, and it would let you see a window into your D's experience, to explain what she struggles with.

[SueLee]

No, I have sought out a therapist yet. We just found out. I just don't get how anything where we have to understand, accept, and adjust to their problems, but they can just be horrible and unbearable.

With my D I do believe she has BPD, however I also think she doesn't have it as bad as she is letting on. There has been a pattern of behavior and I can piece that together now and understand. She has really carried it to a new level since diagnosis. I guess anyone would have to meet my daughter to understand bit I truly believe this was self diagnosis and net T has agreed. I also believe my D has studied up on it and is fulfilling symptoms beyond what she ever had.

She is borderline genius. She is so intelligent it is scary sometimes. I guess that is what frustrates me. I have witnessed a pattern and know her well, suddenly it is out of control. And and says it isn't about everyone else it is about ME taking care of myself... .well it isn't fair to the GD that she is keeping her from happiness and love. Attaching her to people to likely be ripped away. We are here for the long haul and always have been.

Yes. I truly believe she is using this new diagnosis to the fullest and playing her T and newfound relationship and his family for all it is worth.

[livednlearned]

I just don't get how anything where we have to understand, accept, and adjust to their problems, but they can just be horrible and unbearable.

Validation is about accepting that their perspective, whatever it may be, is different than yours. Two perspectives can seemingly be opposite, while both can be true. It's a higher order skill to be able to recognize that someone else experiences things different than us, and with someone who has BPD, or BPD traits, this skill is critically important if we want a relationship with them. In books about BPD, authors often will say if you learn nothing else, learn about validation. When I learned to validate my son's misery, he no longer expressed suicidal ideation. One author claimed that validation was developed by therapists who worked with suicidal patients -- telling them they were great had the effect of making them feel worse. Validating that they felt miserable had the effect of making them feel heard, and it lessened their aloneness and suicidal ideation. When we feel alone, we engage in protest behaviors, with suicidal ideation being the most alarming. Cutting, projecting, splitting, blameshifting, stonewalling, manipulating, passive-aggression, these are other behaviors that tell us someone lacks skills to handle their emotions in healthy ways. Validation is the foundation upon which these higher order skills are built.

Boundaries are about protecting us from the suffering we feel when someone with poor boundaries rolls right over us. That's why it helps to grieve what you expect from your D and who she is -- when you let go of the idea that she is going to be different, it frees you up to focus on what you can control (you), and figuring out what boundaries are important to you. It feels wonderful to buy clothes for GD. It feels awful when D disregards what you bought. There is grief that D cannot be an easier person who, when you do A, will do B, and everyone will be happy. She is not that person right now. The challenge then is to decide how you feel that she cannot do B. Will you assert a boundary to protect yourself? It's a challenge!

Validation and boundaries go together. For many people, it's not easy to change how we interact with someone. If we don't accept what someone is experiencing, and reject it outright, things will stay the same, and may get worse. I notice in my own experience that for some reason I resisted protecting myself -- boundaries often involve change, and I guess we aren't too fond of that, even when it's good for us.

It's also interesting what you mention about your D self-diagnosing. I wonder if two seemingly opposite things are true -- that she discovered the diagnosis as a way to get help and attention. She may be fulfilling the criteria to get attention, meanwhile she matches the criteria at some level. If you were to believe her, I wonder if her symptoms would abate instead of worsen because she feels you accept her experience as valid.

[SueLee]

I totally am ok with people having different opinions or perspectives, that is fine. However the majority of what my D says is not true. I guess validating lies is difficult for me. I really don't like nodding in agreement to a blatent lie. As for her agruements about opinions that are real or true I am good with that.

And I do believe her when she says she has BPD and I don't question that or argue that. My issue is with the fact I have watched her and observed her ups and downs and her BPD behavior over the years. Now suddenly it is all magnified and exaggerated to the fullest, almost the instance she announced her diagnosis. She is very smart and very tricky in her methods. Always has been. I truly believe she is deliberately enhancing her symptoms to gain more recognition.

I personally am very happy she has a diagnosis. Not happy about what the diagnosis is, and will do whatever I can to help her. But my main issue is validating lies. And she is all about lies and deception.

[livednlearned]

Dealing with lies and manipulation is one of the hardest things to deal with -- it's not official criteria for BPD but it sure does seem to go with the territory.

One thing about validation is that it's about acceptance, not agreement. You are so right that validating lies is not cool. Here, we call it validating the invalid.

Sometimes it can take a lot of work to find something to validate in a sea of lies. For example, when my son tells me he has no rehearsal for theater, when I know there is -- I know he is feeling something that makes him want to lie. He feels shame about something and that drives him to cope with lower-order behaviors like lying. This is one of the reasons I like the validating questions so much. I ignore the content of the lie and try to understand what he might be feeling that leads him to lie. So I ask questions.

"It's been really busy for you, you've had theater every day after school. When I have long days, I often feel exhausted. Are you feeling that way?" 

It was so hard to do in the beginning because frankly I was irritated with S13 a lot of the time. He had no idea what I had gone through divorcing his dad, how stressed and scared and exhausted I was. I felt he doubled my distress with his own difficult behavior, it felt very self-centered and self-absorbed and the lying drove me nuts.

Validation sounds very simple -- there are books written about it that can shed light on the nuances. What helps is that it puts the power in your hands, and that's a bonus when so much of your D's you cannot control. I was also delighted to see effects immediately with S13. Everything seems to take so long, and I wasn't expecting to see a pay off immediately.

It's not a cure for BPD, and it won't eliminate the conflict. It helps minimize it, and empowers you with a skill that you can also use with your GD and other people in your life. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SueLee]

We had asked to take GD for the weekend. No response. I let it go. Our 12 year old D did my and asked again. No. No reason just no. Later in the week D with BPD said GD can't come bc of exhaustion.

Later texts and says lots going on in town here this weekend so maybe you can come here? I say not Saturday as we have stuff at the house to take care of how about Sunday... .no response... .today I ask again. No response. I ask yes? No? We would like to make plans. She says she can't respond as she is overwhelmed and confused and couldn't give an answer... .

[lbjnltx]

So how would you validate that she is overwhelmed and unable to make plans SueLee?  Is that something you want to do?

[SueLee]

Well I am not sure if I handled it right or not, but I said well, we are available to make the trip tomorrow, we don't have to stay long, and would love to take you out to eat and pick up anything you might need while we are there. Let me know if you figure out what you are doing tomorrow.

A bit ago, I texted her and asked if she knew what she wanted to do yet, because if we were coming I needed to prepare for it. She said her bf was now available tomorrow so they had plans. Sorry. But, bf's mom will be near our area for a conference and could bring GD by and then pick up on the following day on her way back! In two weeks.

I am not thrilled about that arrangement but I suppose it is that or nothing.