I understand him but I don't understand me

[toomanytears]

The more I research and read the more I understand my BPDh and what made him the way he is: abusive parents, death of his sister, arrival of a baby brother as a replacement, death of a childhood friend...

But what about me? Why am I this care taking people-pleaser? I'm still searching for a reason... .I want to know but I haven't got to the bottom of it yet... perhaps I never will and perhaps it doesn't matter... .

[Bananas]

  toomanytears,

I learned in thearapy that it was simply a learned behavior for me.  It was something I was good at from a young age, and I was rewarded for it by my family and friends.  My family often asked me to be the mediator between other family members that were not getting along.  My friends did this too.  I was even made a peer counselor in high school.  I was often called upon to solve other peoples problems and to fix them.  I have always put others needs before my own, I did it for so long, it is just the only way I knew how to operate.  I am trying to change that up now. 

[Octoberfest]

The more I research and read the more I understand my BPDh and what made him the way he is: abusive parents, death of his sister, arrival of a baby brother as a replacement, death of a childhood friend...

But what about me? Why am I this care taking people-pleaser? I'm still searching for a reason... .I want to know but I haven't got to the bottom of it yet... perhaps I never will and perhaps it doesn't matter... .

On the contrary, toomanytears, I would argue that the "what about me" part is the most important part.  What drives your BPDh is not going to affect the rest of your life.  What drives YOU will. It is a huge step you are taking to realize that you need to direct some thought inward... .it is a hard thing to do, and it is one of the things that separate pwBPD and non's.  It is often painful to look at oneself, too painful for most pwBPD, so the patterns continue.  When you take a long hard look at yourself and LEARN from yourself and your past, THEN you stand a chance of avoiding the same pain in the future.  Tons of threads are posted on this board asking "What if my ex gets better with the next person?".  The answer is obvious, but it causes people a lot of grief.  The answer is of course, no, they don't get better.  We weren't the first person our BPDex had a disordered relationship with, and we will not be the last.  The same does NOT have to be true for us though- we can learn, we can overcome, and we can be truly happy 

[Turkish]

tmt,

For me personally, I was always the "understanding" type and empathetic. When I was younger, older women were attracted to me because I seemed emotionally older. Of course, they were by and large very "wounded" women. Most, but not all.

Being the single child of a single mother who was later diagnosed depressive (with some BPD traits I recently realized), it was me having to be calm in an often chaotic household. I also learned to "make" peace by withdrawing and shutting up (which is my BPDx's observation of me being a "bad communicator", as if her rages and seemingly endless stream of demands were good communication, ).

Part of it also could be genetic. I observe my baby daughter (1) to be more like me emotionally than my S3, who seems to be more like his mother.

Have you taken a good, adult-oriented look at the dynamic between your parents, or parental figures in your early life?

Coming from foster care and being on my fourth set of caregivers by the time I was 2 and a half, I had some type of attachment disorder. I would easily attach to new people, but I would also not cry out for attention, to self-sooth. I guess I learned early to roll with the punches, otherwise a future partner might be on BPDF posting about me! The problem with mine is that I rolled with her punches too much. She was always telling me to stand up to her (as if I were a parent, I grew to resent this). I just shut down in the face of an angry woman. The few times I did, the fight would escalate. Just like with my mother all those years ago. So I shut down. And my X went off with someone else... .Sorry to make that last bit all about myself. Maybe I'm an NPD, .

[toomanytears]

Hi Turkish - don't apologise. it's good to hear other people's experiences and how they relate.

[toomanytears]

Have you taken a good, adult-oriented look at the dynamic between your parents, or parental figures in your early life?

hi Turkish

This is what I'm hoping to look at next in therapy.  I think I've done with looking at the relationship with my BPDh. It has to go back further to my own experiences before I met him. I don't sense that there was anything terribly sinister. Probably just a marriage (my parents' that was dysfunctional and unhappy at times and a family life that lacked warmth. The sad thing is that the family life I created with my BPDh was warm and happy for our two kids. It really was.

[Discovery]

toomanytears,

It has to go back further to my own experiences before I met him. I don't sense that there was anything terribly sinister. Probably just a marriage (my parents' that was dysfunctional and unhappy at times and a family life that lacked warmth.

Please know that parents in a dysfunctional marriage and a family that lacked warmth ARE NOT MINOR THINGS. Too many of us (me included) thought that because we weren't physically abused or obviously mistreated in our families, that we got everything we needed to be healthy adults. WARMTH, empathy, attention, nurturing, listening, seeing and celebrating your uniqueness... .and many other things like that are developmental NEEDS. And the way your parents interacted in their marriage left an imprint on you, whether or not it's conscious.

I hope you have a T who can gently guide you to explore your childhood and family dynamics. I agree with Octoberfest that it really does matter... .as much if not more than understanding your partner... .what you will discover in looking into your family patterns will give you big aha moments and insight into yourself, the r/s you had with your BPDh... .and the opportunity to learn so much and set you up for the kind of r/s you want in the future.

[waver]

I profoundly agree with Discovery.

Our family, Mum, Dad and brother, seemed to be normal and average. In my early childhood it seemed to be mainly warm and calm. Yet, for some reason, I had fear of secession from my Mum as far as I can remember. This feeling remained with me until this very day.  My Dad was a very difficult man, tyrannical, strict, jealous, abusive, (but not physically, thanks God). Mum's defensive strategy was passive aggressivenes and silent treatment.

I've always chased for evaluation, and put others needs before my own.

My husband seemed to be so different from my Dad, but in the last 6 years he became abusive, got problems with drinking, and we are not able to communicate. He says that it is my fault. Maybe.

Short after my Mum's medical diagnosis I fell in love with our family's friend. My parents died this year. The grief and my bf caused so much pain that I had to search for answers, that's how I know about BPD, passive aggressiveness, etc.

Nice pattern. 

It was really a „long hard look at myself”, as Octoberfest wrote. 

[LA4610]

my therapist says and i agree with her because it makes sense... .at our core, as humans, we all have a strong to desire to take care of another person and an equal desire to be taken care of. taking care of each other is part of our human experience. as we all know, with a BPD it is over the top and it is unilateral, which isn't healthy.

alot of your comments make sense. some of us are more prone to take on the "caretaker role". I know i am.

[HarmKrakow]

The more I research and read the more I understand my BPDh and what made him the way he is: abusive parents, death of his sister, arrival of a baby brother as a replacement, death of a childhood friend...

But what about me? Why am I this care taking people-pleaser? I'm still searching for a reason... .I want to know but I haven't got to the bottom of it yet... perhaps I never will and perhaps it doesn't matter... .

It does matter. Your post is awesome. Why? Because 99 out of the 100 post in this l3 detachment board are in the manner of; 'WOW MY EX DID THIS WHY DID HE DO THAT? WOW!', while you clearly shifted away from that to see what is more important. You joined the dance, but why did you? How come?

Refreshing to read it, and I can assure you, you will find your answers

[Jadam12]

I find it interesting a lot of us were peacemakers as children and later in life.  Our strengths, peacemaking is a very valuable attribute, can also be a weakness if that is the main we we choose to function in all aspects of our lives.

It's good to see that in me.  I can be proud of generally being a warm hearted peacemaker type but now realize how I need to be other ways and stand up for myself when needed too.

All good skills in becoming a better person, just a hard way to go about finding this out.

[toomanytears]

Thanks for all your responses fellow boarders. I'm still trying to work 'me' out with my therapist. It was interesting how she wanted to map out my family right back to great grand parents. Patterns patterns patterns. As I said before, my BPDh and I made an effort to provide a very happy family life for our kids. Much much more so than the one we had experienced. Yes there were times when they saw his bad side (and mine too I have no doubt). But the idealised love my BPDh and I showed for each other, however phoney that turned out to be, made for a relatively warm environment. I think that counts for alot in the grand scheme of things... .