Why are BPD people more attractive & sexy?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After reading many posts, there are many who say their BPD person was beautiful, gorgeous, stunning, handsome, sexy and they describe unbelievable sex with them. Why? Is this really true that there is a higher proportion of attractive people with BPD compared to that in the overall population? Why would this be so? BPD does not cause attractiveness. So is there a cause and effect issue of getting BPD because of being attractive? Why are they so proficient at sex?

[RippedTorn]

After reading many posts, there are many who say their BPD person was beautiful, gorgeous, stunning, handsome, sexy and they describe unbelievable sex with them. Why? Is this really true that there is a higher proportion of attractive people with BPD compared to that in the overall population? Why would this be so? BPD does not cause attractiveness. So is there a cause and effect issue of getting BPD because of being attractive? Why are they so proficient at sex?

[jonmnemonic]

They're probably proficient in sex because of the frequency with which they have sex and the number of partners they have.  My BPD claimed to have been with over 100 different partners.

[jrharvey]

They obsess over image. They are extremely insecure and feel the need to use everything they have to keep someone. Beauty, sex, money, power etc... .

They don't believe they have real value so they need to make up for it with stunning beauty and amazing sex.

[woundedPhoenix]

They obsess over image. They are extremely insecure and feel the need to use everything they have to keep someone. Beauty, sex, money, power etc... .
They don't believe they have real value so they need to make up for it with stunning beauty and amazing sex.

That, and the fact that many of them have been abused sexually. And have learned to ruthlessly manipulate men through their desires.
If you are insecure in love, you will try and manipulate things every way you can.

[Curiously1]

They really aren't more attractive, handsome, beautiful, sexy than nons. We just think they are. They may be more skilled at certain things such as sex sure, or show the positive qualities and traits we've always  wanted in a partner, sure. Also contrary to what most people have described, one of my BPD exes was not very good in bed... and the other one, was really good. My experience leads me to think that it's not BPD that causes good sex. Haha. Both of them have had been in many different relationships as well. Great sex is individual anyway. We'd like to think the person we get into a relationship with is attractive in some way and appearances and sex appeal can be a part of it. There are reasons why we chose them and why we get addicted to them more than nons. That makes more sense.

[DazedandConfus3d]

Sex appeal is very much in attitude.  When they mirror us, they become very very good at spotting what turns us on, what draws our attention, what makes us aroused... .

So intrinsically they aren't really more attractive or sexy than the next person, but they're soo good at tuning into our mental frequencies that they become that way to us- until they start mirroring someone else, usually before they're done with us.

One of the things I saw with that good old 20/20 hindsight is that when my ex radically changed her hairstyle (long blonde beach babe hair to blue-dyed side shaved undercut) it was a sign that my 'time in the sun' was over. 

Sure enough it was all downhill from there.  Little things with pwBPD often conceal gigantic shifts.

[CVA]

[/quoteSex appeal is very much in attitude.  When they mirror us, they become very very good at spotting what turns us on, what draws our attention, what makes us aroused... .

So intrinsically they aren't really more attractive or sexy than the next person, but they're soo good at tuning into our mental frequencies that they become that way to us- until they start mirroring someone else, usually before they're done with us.

One of the things I saw with that good old 20/20 hindsight is that when my ex radically changed her hairstyle (long blonde beach babe hair to blue-dyed side shaved undercut) it was a sign that my 'time in the sun' was over.  

Sure enough it was all downhill from there.  Little things with pwBPD often conceal gigantic shifts.


I second that!

[Nuitari]

I'm inclined to think that BPD sufferers cover the whole spectrum of attractiveness. Its just that the more attractive ones get noticed more, and hence are singled out as having a disorder. If an unattractive woman is obsessing over boyfriends, for example, we might assume her behavior is fueled by low-self esteem due to her looks. But if an attractive woman who could have any man she wanted is behaving the same way, then the only explanation is that there is something wrong with her. Its a selection bias.

[Herodias]

They are not- they make us delusional! Seriously- I told someone the exact thing the gf posted on Facebook! We had the same reaction- that he was beautiful when he was sleeping, it made me sick when I saw that!  LoL. They just know how to be romantic and alluring-  you could do it too. It actually works- start complimenting people and see the effect, it's pretty interesting. People crave it. Some more than others. It's a whole manipulation tactic they use.

[Infern0]

Mine told me that when she was younger (15-18) she basically had sex with anyone who would because she "wanted to get good at sex so that guys wouldn't leave her"

So I guess that's the sex part.

She was also AMAZING with makeup, like should be a makeup artist good, spent all her money on clothes and had an eating disorder because of being obsessed with staying thin.

I think if you took away the eating disorder, clothes and makeup skills she was "pretty", not amazing but decent looking but when you add all that in it bumped her up to very attractive.

So I think these people put massive amounts of effort into their appearance.

Also as someone else said the less attractive ones would be less of a problem and may not get recognized as BPD because as shallow as it is to say I think most of us wouldn't have gotten in so deep if we weren't extremely attracted to our BPDs

[RippedTorn]

Many good points here. Mine had an incredible wardrobe. She had a lot of sexy outfits as well as beautiful work clothes. And your comments reminded me that when I first dated her, she had a photo of her 20 years before. She was totally gray. I asked if it was here mother! Over the years, she let her hair grow long, dyed it and then had it straightened at a fancy salon in Newport Beach CA at $500 a pop. Every day she pulled hairs out of her chin and primped constantly. She told me that when she was growing up, her family was so poor she only had hand-me-downs and often from her brothers. So clothes were so important to her. Also, the comment that the idealization phase blinds us to the reality of who they really are. We thrive on the words and actions, but of course these become hateful ugly words and actions eventually.

[DazedandConfus3d]

Lot of good points above.  My ex was average looking at best, but amazing with makeup, had tatts and peircings and could rock the punk/goth style SO hard when she tried.

She wasn't beautiful at all, but GODDAMN she was sexy and hot when she tried, if y'all see the distinction I'm making.

pwBPD excel at artifice, because that's basically all there is to them- they have no strong core identity, so they become adept at projecting whatever external appearance works for them at the moment.

[ScotisGone74]

Honestly I've had much time to ponder this one.   Really and truly BPD people are Not any more sexy or attractive than nonb0d people.    In the case of my exBPD it was all fake: the weekly spray tans, the salon with 250$ matched hair extensions, the weekly nail salons, constantly having clothing tailor fitted to her-I mean really if Anyone spent as much time, money and effort on looking good as she did they would exhaust themselves pretty quick.  But that is what is important to a BPD- looking good and getting attention tops it all for them, not family, friends, Going to church, or really helping somebody in need.   I'd rather be with a bag lady that had a good heart as to have all the glitz and glamour a BPD can muster

[apollotech]

Curiously1:

They really aren't more attractive, handsome, beautiful, sexy than nons. We just think they are.

That ^^^ is probably more true than people realize. Their attractiveness is set higher by the relationship dynamics of overstimulation, continuous push/pull. That's not normal, so it wrecks brain chemistry---addiction/fog, etc.

[Jazzy]

I  don't think they are physically more attractive or sexy. By mirroring exactly what we want in our partners,they are able to use their manipulative skills to charm us  so completely that we feel they are the most  beautiful human beings in the world.  It is only when the mask begins to fall off that we are able to see the twisted , contorted thinking  , the deceit and ugliness that lies beneath.

[RippedTorn]

Since I began seeing other women after my exBPD moved out, I see clearly what was so appealing. She had no life and no personality herself. She adopted my life, my interests, my friends and other things I liked to do. So she seemed perfect for me - made to order. A woman just like me! Women I meet now have a life and in many ways of course it is different from mine. It's not as comfortable as finding someone who mirrors you. It's like finding the female side of you - just the perfect fit in every way. UNTIL the stuff hits the fan with the jealousy, rages, meltdowns, name calling, etc. But I did not want to give up the female me. Where could I find another seemingly so perfect a match. Only in hindsight do I see the ugliness and lack of substance in her

[DazedandConfus3d]

Since I began seeing other women after my exBPD moved out, I see clearly what was so appealing. She had no life and no personality herself. She adopted my life, my interests, my friends and other things I liked to do. So she seemed perfect for me - made to order. A woman just like me! Women I meet now have a life and in many ways of course it is different from mine. It's not as comfortable as finding someone who mirrors you. It's like finding the female side of you - just the perfect fit in every way. UNTIL the stuff hits the fan with the jealousy, rages, meltdowns, name calling, etc. But I did not want to give up the female me. Where could I find another seemingly so perfect a match. Only in hindsight do I see the ugliness and lack of substance in her

Nailed it.

What I'm working on right now is why I needed someone so exactly like me.  That's a weakness of character in myself that I need to grow out of.

IMO, pwBPD appeal to our weaknesses and defects and unhealed hurts- and then rip all those wounds wide open when the splitting, lying, infidelities etc start.

My goal right now is to grow the f**k up so I won't find people like that so appealing anymore and can be healthy for a healthy relationship when I find one.  (No rush on that tho)

[RippedTorn]

Yes I agree. I bought into the childish dream that I could start over with her - act like it was my first date, my first love. We both have been married a number of times. I need to realize too that the appeal of the fantasy kept me hanging on way past when I should have let go. She split me on the third date. But she seemed so beautiful inside and out. She is quite attractive on the outside but inside, she is rotten. Other women now don't seem to be as exciting. Guess it will take a while to really let go of the dream. Dreams die hard and I had such great expectations after so many unsatisfactory relationships. No doubt, the problem is in me wanting somebody perfect. What I got was the opposite - someone mentally ill that almost drove me to be in the same state. I have to be on high alert that if I see another woman who has these traits, run for the hills!

[caughtnreleased]

Indeed, I think the answer is that they are not.  My uBPDex told me that there were some people who simply couldn't stand to be around him.  I think those people couldn't stomach his "fakeness".  I had witnessed that fakeness and I hated it on him... .luckily he didn't use it very often with me.  Still, I recently was dating someone who at some point I realized smelled a lot like my BPDex... .and how strange is this... .I didn't like the smell on the other guy as much as I loved in on my BPDex. The BPDex appealed to a side of me which I had totally renounced... .my needy insecure side.  He was so needy and insecure and strangely it TOTALLY appealed to me.  He embodied all those things which I had rejected in myself and the things of myself that I tossed in the garbage and thought I had rid myself of... .well when they were embodied in my BPDex I had to confront the fact that I was not a whole person, and sought to complete myself with the BPDex. To heal I had to accept the needy vulnerable clingy and insecure side of myself... .how hard that is for someone who thinks of themselves as independent, strong and confident.  I'm still working on it.   If you can figure out what of yourself your BPDex completed... .then you can I think start to heal, and suddenly that craving/desire you had for them should be diminished. The attraction will be gone because they will no longer hold a part of you. You are in fact craving to be a whole person and are mistakenly thinking the BPDex holds your incomplete side. It's just that you have refused to integrate certain things about yourself. Just my two cents.

[RippedTorn]

Thanks caughtnreleased
There is definitely something missing in me that kept me stuck with my exBPD for over three years. I think it is the fear of being alone. That is odd because I am fully capable of taking care of myself. There is nothing I need someone to do - I can cook, do laundry, iron, etc. But without a woman in my life, I am incomplete. When I asked my ex to leave, I immediately went into hyperdrive to find her replacement - marathon dating and all. Just crazy. So as I looked at it, I realized I have to confront this fear by Letting Go, Being Still, and Trusting God. How do we break any fear? We stop the denial, we confront it and we practice it. If you are afraid of heights, you get on a ladder. For me that means stop trying to replace my BPD wife. If I keep it up, I will just glom onto someone else that is wrong and unhealthy for me. I went NC. Now I have to learn to be OK with just me.

[Warcleods]

Great thread. 

Us men have to be try to stop being so driven by sex.  Instinct versus rationality and reasonable decision making, it's a very very tough battle to wage.   Admittedly, I was driven by the appeal and it virtually caused me to be unable to stop and think.   My ex wasn't a head turner or have the best wardrobe but she valued those things above all else.   After the fog cleared from this relationship, things started to make much more sense.  Everything she valued in life was external, including what she thought love was about.  Reality TV shows, trash tv, latest fads, latest fad diets, social media, online chatting, latest fashion trends.  Wow, what a follower... .Develop an identityhelland stop letting everyone else chose one for you.

Writing this stuff down has helped me so much... .I'm truly happy I found this site. 

[apollotech]

Warcleods:

Us men have to be try to stop being so driven by sex.

This is a little off topic, but the subject has been posted in several replies on this thread. Even the "porn sex" (for lack of a better way to identify it) that many have experienced with their BPD partners is a component of the disorder; it is intimacy avoidance, avoid the intimacy and avoid possible engfment issues.

[DazedandConfus3d]

Warcleods:

Us men have to be try to stop being so driven by sex.

This is a little off topic, but the subject has been posted in several replies on this thread. Even the "porn sex" (for lack of a better way to identify it) that many have experienced with their BPD partners is a component of the disorder; it is intimacy avoidance, avoid the intimacy and avoid possible engfment issues.

Porn sex is definitely how I would describe it.  Jesus, I'd done some wild stuff before but never to the level that this woman took it to.

At the end of the day, I feel like I need to own that I ignored a ton of red flags on the basis of that and ended up paying for it.  Hopefully I can learn my lesson from this.

[RippedTorn]

All good points about sex and how we see the borderline and what we do with them. My last marriage was so sexless and dull. I was a setup for someone who turned me on. With all their experience, they quickly figure out what you like and give it to you. Actually, I was the one who initiated different positions and approaches (if you know what I mean). She just went along. So of course I thought she was sexy because I got what I wanted. The downside was that she equated sex with love. If we did not have sex at least two days a week, I did not love her. The frequency all seemed great at first, but then it becomes performance pressure. When I skipped a day or two, raging began. It was rejection. I did not love her. Everything else was perceived to be more important. Soon you begin to understand - it is not love, it is sex even though she thinks it is love.

[caughtnreleased]

Warcleods:

Us men have to be try to stop being so driven by sex.

This is a little off topic, but the subject has been posted in several replies on this thread. Even the "porn sex" (for lack of a better way to identify it) that many have experienced with their BPD partners is a component of the disorder; it is intimacy avoidance, avoid the intimacy and avoid possible engfment issues.

"porn sex" - wow! goodness, I've had a few men who have tried to do this... .it's the worst sex ever. Nightmare and total turn off.  To be honest the first time I slept with my BPDex he started acting like a "porn star" and I didn't reciprocate, rather I retreated. He asked me if I was shy, in a kind of mocking way. I said yes. And... .he melted and it turned into an incredibly night of intimate passion... .Somehow his red flags waved but then a few times they fell away. Anyway, since then I've been with several men who seem to think that "porn sex" is in fact real sex, or others who simply have only themselves on their mind while they are having sex. It's been really difficult to find someone who is capable of intimacy in bed. My uBPDex could achieve it... .but then he had to go and mess it all up of course

[RippedTorn]

Well from all the posts people have made I am convinced that they are really not that special sexually. It just seemed that way. Now that I have had time for reflection, I realize the sex was not that great. She could not get an orgasim in intercourse and I had to orally and manually work on her for an hour or more. That is very unsatisfying after I had an orgasim. It really was work. I recall thinking that the first times we slept together. Can I really keep doing this for the rest of my life? Will sex always be this much effort? Funny how after the abuse, you can begin to think unrealistic things about the borderline. I somehow forgot what loving mutually satisfying sex was like. This was more like mutual masterbation. Not trying to be dirty here, just remembering how it really was and how I became blinded to think it was so great. Maybe we all need to really think about the reality and let the illusions go.

[beggarsblanket]

My BPD ex is a stunning beauty. My judgment may seem unreliable here, but friends and family agree with me. What I find remarkable is that she purposefully tried to make herself as unattractive as possible (either no makeup or makeup to conceal her features, plus oversized and shapeless clothing). We talked about beauty and ugliness a great deal, both in general and with respect to herself. I got the impression that she was aware of her appearance and her sexiness and was struggling against it. This was long before I understood that seductiveness is a feature of BPD relationships.

We did not have a sexual relationship. We were ostensibly friends, though I would now call it romantic friendship rather than friendship proper. Aside from her one drunken attempt to seduce me, our time together was nothing but talk and play.

[caughtnreleased]

My BPD ex is a stunning beauty. My judgment may seem unreliable here, but friends and family agree with me. What I find remarkable is that she purposefully tried to make herself as unattractive as possible (either no makeup or makeup to conceal her features, plus oversized and shapeless clothing). We talked about beauty and ugliness a great deal, both in general and with respect to herself. I got the impression that she was aware of her appearance and her sexiness and was struggling against it. This was long before I understood that seductiveness is a feature of BPD relationships.

We did not have a sexual relationship. We were ostensibly friends, though I would now call it romantic friendship rather than friendship proper. Aside from her one drunken attempt to seduce me, our time together was nothing but talk and play.

I find your point interesting. In a way I'm not really surprised. She's a stunning beauty, with no sense of self and identity. Because of the society we live in, many many people would pursue her for entirely selfish reasons, without being interested in seeing her for who she is - beyond her beauty, and as someone with BPD she's not able to stand up for herself and be attracted to the kind of person who would be interested in unselfish love. I'll be honest... .Considering the attention that I do get from many men (and from their telling me) I consider myself pretty attractive, however I almost find it to be a disadvantage because I am solicited by so many people who are simply lusting after me, or pursued by really superficial and insecure men. I'm tired of people who don't care to find out who I am. I'm burnt out in fact. My long term relationships were with men who wanted to conform to their expectations. They lusted after me, and when I didn't deliver them everything they wanted, they dropped me. Honestly, I think this is the norm with relationships nowadays, and it's depressing. It kind of makes you lose faith in humanity. I have a great deal of difficulty trusting men because I'm afraid that I'm being pursued for the wrong reasons, and that they aren't actually interested in "me". It's hard to find someone who is in it for the "right" reasons. I find myself envious of women who are physically less attractive. It seems that at least the men are with them for reasons that go beyond their own ego. Anyway... .Perhaps to a certain degree attractiveness in a person makes them subject to many of humanities ugly sides. Thank goodness for aging. 

[RippedTorn]

Caughtnreleased
It is interesting that you are frustrated because you believe men want you because of your looks rather than who you are. Many women would gladly trade places! But men face the same issues. When we are young, looks are everything. But as people age, that changes. Women become interested in men with power and money. Of course it is thought to be a blessing to be handsome and/or to be rich. I consider myself to be attractive physically and well to do. So I never know why women are interested. How can we ever separate who we are from how we look or what possessions we have. Would it be better to be ugly and poor? No one of either sex would prefer that really. I started this thread with the question that are borderlines better looking and sexier? I think the conclusion most have drawn is NO. There are attractive sexy healthy people and unattractive BPD people of both sexes. We just get caught up in the mental illness ourselves becoming addicted and trying to fix them. The reason I wanted to fix mine was to stop the abusive behavior. If it is really an illusion we have that they are so attractive, we have to give it up because how can a person who splits you and abuses you be attractive.

[IamGrey]

My ex is extremely sexy and physically attractive, but there is nothing remotely attractive in being clingy, needy, controlling and suffocating.

Nor is there anything attractive in being emotionally backward. For an intelligent woman in her late 30's, her jealousy tactics post B/U were not only cringeworthy, immature and another huge turn off, they were utterly counterproductive, when all she knew full well I'm not the jealous type.