Is this a viable boundary?

[ydrys017]

I just read this yesterday and realized that I've been using this as an unspoken boundary:

"respectful communication or no communication"

By no communication I mean that my uBPDw and I don't talk about relationship topics, and since every conversation quickly migrates in that direction we simply talk about schedules and logistics - primarily about the kids.

I followed this just last night, and when the dysreg started up again at 3:15AM this morning I stuck to it - and it ended with a second (minor) physical altercation - that she blew off.  I slept elsewhere in the house.  So, I believe I'm using this as a boundary - and it sure feels like it's backfiring... . 

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Moselle]

I just read this yesterday and realized that I've been using this as an unspoken boundary:

"respectful communication or no communication"

By no communication I mean that my uBPDw and I don't talk about relationship topics, and since every conversation quickly migrates in that direction we simply talk about schedules and logistics - primarily about the kids.

I followed this just last night, and when the dysreg started up again at 3:15AM this morning I stuck to it - and it ended with a second (minor) physical altercation - that she blew off.  I slept elsewhere in the house.  So, I believe I'm using this as a boundary - and it sure feels like it's backfiring... . 

Well you're trying something so well done with that. Each relationship is different so the only way to find out what works is through trial and error.

FYI when I first tried this communication one, my wife went on a 6 month extinction burst.  This is what they do when they fight against your boundary. They are testing it to see if you are serious.  Just hold on and don't cave in. TheRe may be many nights on the couch LOL. The trick is not making them feel abandoned when you leave.

Have you tried "I care about you and love you. I need to withdraw for my own good. I am interested in what you have to say, but the way you're saying it hurts me. I'll come backback later when we both feel calmer"

This way, maintain our boundary, hopefully validate her too.

Hang in there. This is tough!

[Moselle]

I just read this yesterday and realized that I've been using this as an unspoken boundary:

"respectful communication or no communication"

By no communication I mean that my uBPDw and I don't talk about relationship topics, and since every conversation quickly migrates in that direction we simply talk about schedules and logistics - primarily about the kids.

I followed this just last night, and when the dysreg started up again at 3:15AM this morning I stuck to it - and it ended with a second (minor) physical altercation - that she blew off.  I slept elsewhere in the house.  So, I believe I'm using this as a boundary - and it sure feels like it's backfiring... . 

Well you're trying something so well done with that. Each relationship is different so the only way to find out what works is through trial and error.

FYI when I first tried this communication one, my wife went on a 6 month extinction burst.  This is what they do when they fight against your boundary. They are testing it to see if you are serious.  Just hold on and don't cave in. TheRe may be many nights on the couch LOL. The trick is not making them feel abandoned when you leave.

Have you tried "I care about you and love you. I need to withdraw for my own good. I am interested in what you have to say, but the way you're saying it hurts me. I'll come backback later when we both feel calmer"

This way, maintain our boundary, hopefully validate her too.

Hang in there. This is tough!

[ydrys017]

No, I didn't say anything like that unfortunately.  It was 3AM, she was baiting me by demanding an answer to her question and accusing me of not caring etc... .  she stated what she was going to do about it, I replied that I need sleep and she can do whatever she needs to do.  This prompted a single punch and further dysreg because she felt I was making it her problem... .  when I sat up in bed, she told me to leave and slid over to block me from laying back down.  I stated that this is the second time she has hit me, and left the room.

Once I calmed back down around 4:30AM, I realized that what she is upset about is legit, but the reactivity is off the chart and she is using it to start a fight in order to dump her anxiety - and then further dysreg'ing when I'm not taking the bait.  She sent 7 text messages this morning inside of a 1/2 hour while I was driving to work (in the snow... .), and I didn't read them.  I honestly don't have the energy for SET right now, I'm just trying to not make it worse by engaging in something that will only spiral downward - we are day 2 of the dysreg.

I have a T session on Thursday, will discuss this boundary there as well - I want to make sure this boundary is not making the rs worse.

[Moselle]

Ydrys,

You sound very similar to where I was 12 months ago.

She had a history of abusing me and hit me on our anniversary, the 8th of January 2014. Something inside me snapped and I walked out the house, telling her that was the last time she would ever hit me again.  I separated from her and left the city.

One year later, I am back in the home after a 10 month separation.  She knows very well that if she ever hits me again,  I will serve her divorce papers within a week. That's my non negotiable boundary. 

She has not changed alot during that time, however she has admitted to Borderline and Narcissistic traits. I have changed tremendously. And my ability to behave healthily in the relationship has grown. This is the important thing.  We have the ability to change much. It starts with SET and boundaries, and will only grow from there.

You're doing well. Keep it up! Consistency over time is the only thing that works. BPD is notoriously resistant to treatment, but if we change to healthy, they need to choose healthy with us or leave. The difficult thing is that its impoSible to know which they will choose, but eventually the gap between healthy and unhealthy grows to a point of choice.

It is an uncomfortable gap, but it is our duty to lead it. We are the more healthy of the two, and can change the most/quickest. 

What do you want as an outcome of this?

Hang in there.  I recognise the pain and the anguish and the sleep deprivation.