I had the anxiety before meeting her but I just tolerated it and kept it under control.
What were some of your successful methods for keeping it under control? What helps you with anxiety?
When she left me, she said so many things that just tore me to piceces, when I knew they weren’t true, she was just trying to push me farther away. Then I started doubting myself and that I wasn’t enough for her, to where she had to go back to her ex who treated her poorly. She went from loving me deeply to splitting me black for only trying to love her the way she was meant to be.
OK, this is important. You are early in your "relationship career." Still getting your feet under you, still trying to figure out who you are, what your strengths and weaknesses are, etc. We learn from each relationship, and each person we are in a relationship with is a mirror that gives us a more complete image of who we are. You happen to have fallen for someone with an emotional disability. The mirror is warped, like one of those "fun house" mirrors where you appear strangely fat, skinny, tall, or short.
Do not look at your relationship with her as a reliable source of info about yourself and your value in a relationship. Focus on keeping yourself healthy, having a good relationship with yourself, and on growing your successful relationships with classmates and other friends.
Now every time something reminds me of her, my heart just begins to race and I just get these anxious feelings.
This is totally natural. Same thing happened to me when I broke up with a BPD girlfriend when I was your age. I walked around campus and it seemed like every few minutes something made me think of her, or I wanted to share a thought with her. It was unbearable. Expect it, but work on filling the void with other sources of support and activities. Give it time.
One way to interrupt runaway thoughts is a simple breathing exercise. Inhale slowly for a count of five. Hold your breath for a count of six. Then exhale slowly through your mouth for a count of seven. That will interrupt the thoughts, giving you time to get involved in another activity to distract you if necessary, or you can start meditating.
I start overthinking everything she is doing and has said to me and what I could’ve done differently to prevent this. If I had known more about BPD in the first place, I could’ve reacted differently.
You are being way too hard on yourself. Folks with more life experience than you take years to get good at coping with BPD relationships. Saying you should have or could have saved this is like saying you should be able to compete as an Olympic snowboarder with a couple of months of training.
As for what she is doing now, try to refocus your thoughts on what
you are doing now. Create satisfaction with a world you can control. Clean your room, read a book, study, whatever things give you a sense of accomplishment, however small.
I start to think that I’ll never find what I found in her.
It is absolutely natural to think this. You will never find exactly what you had with her. That was unique. Can you find a wonderful mate, someone to enjoy life with? I believe you can!
WW