Splitting, Silent Treatment, Discard - how do you deal with it?

[DanniGirl75]

Good morning all,

I am at a loss today, which I know many of you have experienced in your own relationships.  I've been reading through your messages for some time now and have learned alot!  So, thank you.  What brought me here in the first place was my new boyfriend.  We've been dating for 3+ months and a little over a month ago, he told me he has BPD.  He has been diagnosed and goes to regular therapy sessions with a counselor so he's in treatment.

We live an hour and a half away from each other, I guess that qualifies as a long-distance relationship, so we see each other once a week.  We do talk daily through texts; phone calls are about once-twice a week.  He is a sweet man.  Smart, funny, caring and passionate.  He makes me laugh alot.  Up until now, he was still in his idealization phase with me and we've only had one very serious fight which was my fault and I do take responsibility for it.  Other than that, he doesn't rage at me.  He has never lashed out at me with verbal abuse, blame, hostility, etc.  His mood swings are more on the depressive side and when he feels stressed or upset, he'll just be distant for a couple of days but still responsive to me when I reach out.

We were supposed to meet up yesterday (Sunday) and spend the day together.  We chatted briefly on Saturday night and he confirmed that he was coming to see me yesterday.  Saturday night was the last time I heard from him.  He never showed up to my house yesterday.  Nor did he respond to my 2 texts and two phone calls.  Naturally, I thought this was odd and began to worry but I couldn't get ahold of him.  It's now Monday morning and still nothing.

I do realize that I have no idea what has happened and it could be anything.  He is a bit disorganized and has lost or broken his phone at least 3 times since I've known him. 

However, this is flagging with me because he has been very upset lately.  He lost a close friend, had to go to court to dispute a parking ticket (and lost) and has been stressed at his job.  This all happened last week.  I can understand how this can make anyone feels scattered and 'off' but, on top of all that, I'm under the impression he may be upset with me as well.  Since we live far apart, our quality time together is limited, which is a bummer.  He's always lamenting about it, saying he wished we were closer.  He's even dropped hints recently about moving near me.  Texting and phone calls are really all we have during the week to keep the connection going until we see each other.  I've noticed that if I don't text him regularly, especially on the weekends, he gets irritated.  Not in an angry way but, as he's told me before, he feels like I'm not thinking about him or missing him.  This happened just this past Friday and Saturday.  He was upset both nights because he hadn't heard from me.  In all honesty, I was home both evenings and was reorganizing closets, etc.. and just lost track of time.  It was not on purpose that I didn't reach out to him, I was thinking of him alot, but I was just in my zone.  When he texted me, I responded right away.  I even sent him a picture of what I was doing.  Even though he texted back, his responses were curt.  When we said goodnight to each other I ended with "I love you" and he didn't answer back with the sentiment, where he usually does.  We are at that stage now where we do love each other and say it often to one another.

When he went MIA yesterday, I was so worried at first.  I thought something terrible happened to either him or a relative.  Looking back, even when something dramatic has happened in his life, he's always told me about it.  In fact, he's reached out almost immediately.  There have also been times when he had to break our plans at the last minute, but he always let me know.  He never left me hanging like this before.  I've never gotten the silent treatment before, if that's what this is but I can't be sure.

I haven't yet experienced a split with him.  Could this be it?  I've been up all night thinking things through (like you do) and I think I may have betrayed this expectation he had.  That he doesn't feel safe with me now or that he can't trust me because, in his mind, I disappeared on him.  Even though I didn't.  I know that he has trust issues, he's told me about them.  I know he had a very trying week and this on top of it probably compounded things for him.  It's such a small thing, me not texting/calling him, but I know to him it probably feels HUGE.  I'm beginning to feel as if I failed him, that I wasn't paying attention to what he needed from me and I fear he is pulling away and setting me up for a discard.

Is this how it happens?  Is there any way back?  How have you dealt with splitting?

~D

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[ColdKnight]

Hi there,

I responded to this on the other section where you posted it.