I Need Understanding

[wounded1]

If just one person reads this and tells me they understand and that it isn't my fault I think I will be able to breathe again.
My husband is a very prominent person in the small town we live in and my ability to make close friends here is limited. My sister, my confidant in life, died 3 years ago. I won't pull my children into this situation right now. So thank you if you are reading this.
I have been married to my ( recently discovered) untreated BPD husband for over 4 decades but have just recently begun to understand why my life seems to be some kind of crazy nightmare. The damage that has happened inside of me has occurred over the years in a very covert, insidious manner until the you know what hit the fan HARD about 18 months ago.

When I married this man I was a young, happy, healthy, friendly and helpful girl. Right from my wedding night the red flags started popping up and I somehow ignored them, thinking it was temporary.
I soon learned that I was a pretty annoying person to him. I apparently talked too much, laughed too loud, walked too hard and wanted too much time with him. So I changed. I learned to talk less, walk softly and spend a lot of time alone.
Over the years everything that should have been highlights in my life got clouded by his negative comments. Every time I said "Okay listen, maybe I'm not the one for you" he would cry, beg, threaten suicide, etc until I gave in. Then things would get better for awhile, only to turn back to crap. He would pull me very close for a week or two only to push me away physically on a regular basis. He completely controlled our sex life, which was minimal at best. I was made to beg for affection and got thrown a crumb here and there. I believed wholeheartedly in marriage, faithfulness and family. I was taught to stick things out and make them work once I was committed. So I did.

I could not so much as talk to another man without him accusing me of wanting to either have an affair or leave him. He even called me a whore several times for absolutely no reason (probably because I laughed at another man's funny comment). He is the most insecure person I have ever met, and nothing I have ever said or done has helped that.
After the birth of our first child I told him not to ever call me a name again or I would definitely leave him, and the name calling stopped.

The crazy thing is that there were so many wonderful times in between all of the weird stuff that I really felt I loved him and he was worth staying for. (Now I can clearly see that by not demanding that I get my own needs met I allowed him to walk all over me. I have had much anger at myself for that).
By the time we had our fourth and last child I was planning in my mind that when the last one left home I was just going to leave him. We were having difficulties with the business and just nit picking at each other constantly. The pattern continued for about 20 more years.

In April of 2018 the last child was getting ready to get married and move out. My husband had been isolating and drinking every weekend. Everything has always irritated him and caused angry outbursts. The anger was getting worse. A door knob falling off would elicit the same amount of anger as someone cutting him off in traffic. I had begged and pleaded with him to cut back on the alcohol and to please spend more time with me, to no avail. Every weekend it was him alone in his office with his beer, ebay, video games and music. So I had decided to start making plans for my exodus.
On April 15th he asked me for some help in printing off our tax forms. I opened up his download file on his computer. Mr Squeaky Clean Not That Interested in Sex and Intimacy had downloaded some of the most disgusting porn photos I have ever seen. I was shocked to say the least.
I won't go into details about that, but I turned and looked at his face and saw an absolutely crushed, embarrassed, pathetic human being. I wanted to run screaming out the door but I knew that he needed help.
I found out that he had been addicted to porn and masturbation since he was a child. That he was embarrassed about sex, thought his body was insufficient (even though I often let him know that he was my dream come true).
I spent about a year helping him with this particular issue. In this regard he has opened up and become a fabulous lover. He thinks he's "cured" now. So if I ever have a moment of self doubt, he thinks I'm blaming him.
Sometimes I have to jump through some mental hoops to be with him. He overdoes the compliments and comments to the point where I feel weird. If I ask him to back off a little he gets extremely upset. If I don't acknowledge that I'm the most beautiful. sexy, lusty thing he's ever seen it turns into a huge fight. I am supposed to agree with everything he says about me NOW even though I have lingering sadness and a little bit of grief over the past (he says to forget about the past and live in the now, and just kind of waves off all that has transpired).
So while he knows that he had a problem inside of himself for many years here's the problem for me --- he still doesn't get what his behavior has done to our family. He doesn't understand why I feel awkward around him sometimes. Honestly it's because I have lost some of my trust for someone who could hide from me and be cruel toward me for so many years.

There were times over the years, maybe 4 or 5 when I found some questionable material and he looked me straight in the eye and lied to me, raging that I would possibly think he was that kind of guy. I just figured all men take a little peek now and then and thought his lying was unnecessary, so I would apologize.  It seemed so easy for him to straight up lie. Now when he says something that doesn't sound true he gets really irate if I question him. He will go hide somewhere for 2 hours and then if I don't come up to bed when he thinks I should he starts screaming that I'm rejecting him. Sometimes I just need space but he takes it as an insult without realizing that his behavior is hurtful to me.
I read somewhere here on the boards this morning that it's ME I need to work on.
I just need to know where to start.
If you read this far, thank you. I appreciate it so much.
I don't need pity, I know I allowed some of this into my life-- I just need to know that someone gets it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Stillhopeful4]

Hi Wounded1,

Welcome to the boards and I'm sorry we had to meet like this.  Your situation sounds very familiar to me, I'm sure it will to others as well.  Read up on the lessons, there are some great tools in them.  I have been here only a few months, I have learned so much and met so many people who have helped/are helping me get through this (my wife moved out a month ago, but things started to turn very bad a few months before that..who am I kidding they have mostly been bad for 10 years).  For me, learning radical acceptance has helped me the most.

Hoping things can get better for you soon!

 

SH4

[Longterm]

Hi wonded1 and welcome.

  If just one person reads this and tells me they understand and that it isn't my fault I think I will be able to breathe again.

We have all been in or are in these types of relationships here, we understand completely the difficulties you are having. I was in a relationship/marriage with a woman who would very easily become enraged too. I know how walking on eggshells can effect those around a pwBPD, including children.

You recently becoming aware of the issues is not uncommon, most start a search for answers after the relationship like I did but some beforehand. We all get it here, read around the boards and you will see many similarities with your story.

  So while he knows that he had a problem inside of himself for many years here's the problem for me --- he still doesn't get what his behavior has done to our family. He doesn't understand why I feel awkward around him sometimes. Honestly it's because I have lost some of my trust for someone who could hide from me and be cruel toward me for so many years.

Is your H open to therapy? Have you tried couples therapy? This could be a good place to express your hurt in a controlled environment.

  He overdoes the compliments and comments to the point where I feel weird. If I ask him to back off a little he gets extremely upset.

A pwBPD feel to the extreme. If he is showing you love (albeit too much) and you ask him to back off, he could feel that you are hugely rejecting him, this in turn can make him feel horrible.

 I read somewhere here on the boards this morning that it's ME I need to work on.
I just need to know where to start.   

This site has many articles and workshops that could help you make improvements to your own behaviour by better understanding the behaviour of your H. You can post here and talk about the issues and also get yourself into therapy too, this is a good place to start.

You are not alone.

LT.

[Butane]

Hi wounded1:

Some of the details of your story are quite different from my story, but the overall picture has so many similarities...

My husband has a roller coaster inside his mind, his emotions and thoughts go all over the place, the rules change with his mood, and he blames me often and at length for my many faults, behaviours, facial expressions, failures to validate him, etc etc.

You sound exhausted and confused. You spent a lot of time believing that it was your fault. Me too!