slarp
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: dating
Posts: 1
|
 |
« on: January 16, 2023, 02:15:25 AM » |
|
Hey all,
This is my first post on here and I really just don't even know how to go about the whole situation, because a lot of it is pretty convoluted and most of it is admittedly my fault, so it's going to be pretty wordy but I appreciate anyone patient enough to stick it out. My boyfriend and I are both in our early 20s and have been together for a little over a year now more or less. Our relationship certainly hasn't been easy and there was a time where I panicked and tried to end it out of nowhere, but we decided to give it another shot.
It's been pretty surreal honestly. I haven't ever really had a serious relationship before (other than few month long endeavors in high school) and have always just existed in crushes and situationships beyond that. This is the first serious relationship I have had and I'm playing it on expert mode, because I have autism and my boyfriend has BPD in a bad way. He isn't aggressive toward me and he doesn't abuse me, but he is a very difficult personality to be around sometimes and he is intensely emotional. He is an interesting case, however, because he is quite self aware for someone with BPD and recognizes in many instances when he is reacting to triggers or situations as a result of his diagnosis. Because of this, I have been extremely patient and open to communicating about basically anything and try my best to reassure him when he needs it (even though now I think it's coming to my detriment.)
He is so madly in love with me. I truly believe I am an average boyfriend, but his past relationships have been so horrible and because of that, he looks at me like I'm some sort of god of love, and it honestly stresses me out. Our relationship has been such a long slow burn because I think that deep down, I always knew I was never ready for a relationship, so I never said anything I didn't mean until I was ready (even when he said stuff first). Because of how long our relationship has gone on for and all the ups and downs we have been on, I'm at a place now where I feel like I have to just say what he says even when I don't believe it or feel the same way, because I'm terrified of the outcome otherwise. I really REALLY hate hurting him and sending him into a triggered state because I know how physically and mentally hard it is on him, as it is on me too.
He loves me so much that he never wants me to hurt, and therefore gets hurt and triggered when I get hurt. If he ever does something to me that is either too overstimulating to me or that offends me for whatever reason and I bring it up, he reacts to that by shutting down for 15-20 minutes while I have to try to pull him out of it, because he is hurt and guilty that I hurt. By that point, I'm just over it and put my feelings aside and don't feel how I did because I just want to move on, and it doesn't feel sustainable.
I don't want to be together forever. I don't want to get married to anyone really or to start a family at all and I miss feeling free to do whatever I want whenever I want. I'm so young and I feel like I've got so much to do and try that I haven't but I just have to commit to this now, even though I'm emotionally pretty out of it. But despite all of that, I'm beyond terrified of the idea of breaking his heart more than any of it. When I tried to break up with him the first time, it was earth shattering and that hour plays through my head on repeat when I think about my situation too hard. I really did blindside him because I just didn't know how to talk about my feelings and I'm back there again. It's especially difficult because his life in general is pretty difficult, and he gets hyper vigilant when things get troublesome and immediately starts worrying about us and the state of our relationship. I get asked for reassurance about why we aren't going to break up and it used to be so easy to do, but now it's just horrifying when I get asked, because I truly just don't know what is going to happen, but don't want to deal with that reaction. I'm now stuck in this box because I feel like I can't be honest about my feelings, because I care more about preserving his own and sure as hell can't break up with him, because I gave him reasons why we aren't going to.
It's all dreadfully ironic, really. I know for a fact that I function better when I am single and I honestly feel kind of suffocated by the physical and romantic attention that I get from him, but the thought of not having him in my life like that scares the living hell out of me. I care so immensely for him and I know how hard his life is, and rationally I understand that I can't be responsible for all of that, but I want to see him get better and flourish so badly and I know that we couldn't exist as friends with how he feels about me. I just know that if the rest of our relationship was to look like this for the long haul, I would be beyond miserable and not want to exist for myself anymore and that scares me. I want us to both be happy because I do truly love him, even if I might not be as in love with him as I once was.
The whole situation is even more complicated than all of this honestly and there's many more layers to it, but its after 1AM for me right now and I'm beyond exhausted and stressed and at least needed to scratch the surface of this whole situation so that I can start getting more personal about all of it. I'm tired of not feeling authentically me, but I don't want to hurt anyone.
Much love to all of you. I can tell that I'm going to benefit a lot from this community and wish I participated much earlier
|
