2 questions from your reply :
1. any help for the R (reinforce) step of DEARMAN as applied to the type of pattern i get in with BF? can anyone here offer some examples of R when dealing with an avoidant partner and the silent treatment?
I Find DEARMAN to be the most difficult communication to master, I usually reserve it for text messages or email messages, as I cannot think fast enough on the 'fly' to implement this. I use variations of the SET communication method.
However, for more specific examples, you can reference the following workshop on DEARMAN from this site. There are plenty of users that have given specific examples on how they use the "R" in this communication tool.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0And if you would like to learn more about SET (I use this one a lot, with variations of it) and more information can be found at:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.02. when u say, “With both of you being neurodivergent, I would urge both of you to focus on each other's feelings, and not so much the facts. “ what facts can y’all highlight in a hypothetical communication cycle or like the one i describe above that may need to be omitted in lieu of feelings ?
Often feelings do not match the facts. For instance if one of you blurts out in anger that "I hate you, you don't care for me, and you are not there for me" - that is an expression of "
feeling," specifically hate, and you feel that your partner is not there for you. Yet, if the other person, on the receiving end of this angry outburst, is being supportive, by physically being present, and is actually telling that person that they are there for them - this is a "
fact".
The fact is that the person on the receiving end of the angry outburst is being there for their partner, yet their partner feels as though they are not - this is how "
feelings are not facts".
Put yourself in the person's shoes who is upset telling their partner that they are not there for them. Then you are being told that you are wrong (do you like being told you are wrong when you think you are right?), and it feels as though you are being gaslit - that would make me mad. Would that make you mad?
Instead, tell the person who is upset that you are not there for them something like "I sense that it is incredibly frustrating for you that it feels like I am abandoning you." [Empathy] Then ask an open-ended question along the lines of "What can I do to help you realize that I am indeed here for you?" [Support] and follow it up with a truthful supportive statement "I am here for you." [Truth]
I hope you can understand the example I illustrated for you.
PS. i can’t figure out how to make a quote box even with the directions on here. . do i type my reply above or below the [
] in the chat window that pops up after i click “quotebox”?
box”?
[_quote_]
This is the text you want to quote
[_/quote_]
Remove the underscore "_" inside the brackets and it becomes:
This is the text you want to quote
=====
Circling back to your specific examples for feelings <> facts... this is a lot more complicated explain than the example I gave above; however, a very similar dynamic is going on...
Instead of using quotes, I will use
italics to quote you (it is less messy and hopefully easier to follow)
it is the contrast of my DBT and my bf’s lack thereof that i’m worried about: my boyfriend’s passive aggressive behavior has always been an issue between us.
he is a passive communicator, avoidant, and sulks. instead of communicating when h angry or mad at me, he slams doors, sulks, avoids eye contact, ignores and lays on silent treatment for usually about a day , maybe 36 hours.This is an example of 'splitting' which is an example of the "Rapid changes in mood, lasting usually only a few hours and rarely more than a few days" symptom of BPD. By being avoidant, he is doing his best not to lash out at you, he is very angry at you [feeling], often for some perceived slight [fact] that you may not even recognize as something that is worth getting angry at you for - this is BPD behavior.
You go on to say:
each episode almost always includes these things:
-getting physically aggressive in his own body movements in the way he physically grabs or throws small items, stalks around the house , slams a door, very ragey energy.
-he often ends up accidentally hurting himself when he is like this , like dropping a plate on his foot or hitting his toe when he slams a door. Before my undiagnosed wife could control her rages, these coincided with her mood swings, I am assuming based on your description this is the case with your BF. Am I right? Having a rage episode (ragey energy) is part of the symptom "Inappropriately intense anger or problems controlling anger"
my MO is to gently ask him of he would like to share how he is feeling with me, a few hours or when it seems safest , after i notice the start of an episode.From what you are describing, he is having some pretty extreme feelings, which are pretty obvious to you. Instead of asking him how he is feeling, you could make some statements of [Empathy] instead perhaps something like "I sense you are very upset, and this is making you incredibly frustrated"
routinely, he will deny he is mad. claim he is exhausted, and refuse this first approach to talk to me.He is stating a 'fact' that he is not mad which is likely not true as your observation of his behaviors indicate otherwise. So his stated 'fact' (not being mad) does not match his 'feeling' (physically displaying a rage). It is best not to contradict him stating that he is not mad, from his perspective, when in fact he is, from your perspective. I hope this makes sense to you?
His claim that he is exhausted is likely to be true - his emotions are going haywire, and they are overwhelming him, and he is doing everything he can to get them back under his control. His refusal to talk to you is likely his coping mechanism to not lash out at you any more than he already has as he is already feeling extreme shame for his behaviors, and he doesn't want to chase you away - I suspect he is not talking to you, as he doesn't want to make the situation any worse than it already is.
-i give space maybe leave home, wait til after work, for my second approach when again i ask him if there something upsetting him, if i’ve done something, and i give him another invitation to talk to me. he will say no. Giving him space, is probably the best thing you do. However, the "fear of abandonment" is a central hallmark of being borderline. When you give him space reassure him that you will be there for him with something along the lines of "I love you, My hunch is that you are feeling like you don't want to talk right now. I want you to know that I am here for you, all you have to do is let me know when you are ready to talk, and I will come back to you." BTW, this is also the "R" in deaRman, where you are reinforcing a reward for desirable behaviors, you will be there for him when he is cool and ready to talk.
THEN he will start some kind of task. ones that he usually does in the relationship like to cook or clean, something he knows i don’t like todo.
i have often framed these as favors for me, and they are , but he also doesn’t mind and usually enjoys these things and does them even when i’m not there.I am getting the impression that he does this as his form of apology, as he likely knows that he screwed up by 'losing his sh1t' and he is doing something to 'please you', it is probably his form of 'making it up to you'.
(and yes . he has used this as a weapon of contempt in years past). but this is when he almost always breaks something or accidentally hurts himself. a paper cut. . invisible “burning of his hand “ when making “MY dinner” . maybe he splashes oil when cooking on his shirt that he suddenly claims is his favorite and irreplaceable . These are all 'facts' that do not match or are disproportionate to the feelings. When dealing with a borderline and assertions that you have listed above, even though this can be quite difficult navigate, use one or more of the DBT tools of radical acceptance (
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0), DBT tool wise mind, DBT tool fact checking, or a combination thereof to process these feelings that do not match the facts. Then support him by having empathy with his feelings while not directly addressing the facts he has stated.
With empathy, validate what is valid (feelings) and do not validate the invalid (false or distorted facts).
while i used to try and soothe him in this moment of his lament qnd grandiose pain, now i am so repulsed and annoyed by his exaggerations and see it as petulance.
i’ll go on if people read this; but for now
has ANYONE ELSE SEEN THIS WILDLY IMMATURE BEHAVIOR?It is very easy to feel repulsed, confused, distressed, irritated, and worried about these kinds of behaviors where he exaggerates the facts based on what he is feeling. Please understand it is part of being borderline, and that requires extreme understanding on your part, most here are incapable or unwilling to do this. It is not okay to validate his bad behaviors and exaggerations; however, it is okay to validate his feelings. While he is in an episode of splitting/raging, it is not the time to address accountability with him. However, once he has returned to baseline, if you are in counseling, that is the ideal time/place to address this. If not, consider couple's therapy specifically for borderlines or 'high conflict' couples.
The best way to deal with these episodes, is to set firm boundaries with love, that you are willing to implement, and consistently enforce. I do sense that he is remorseful by doing those things you like as his episode is winding down; however, his feelings are still a little bit raw, and it can be retriggered. More work is needed on his part. Also, examine what you do when he is 'splitting/raging' and how you can deescalate the situation using communication tools. What can you do to support your partner?
Do you have any thoughts and/or questions, feel free to ask.
I will wrap this up with a reminder to do self-care, whatever that might look like for you. You need to fill your cup, so you can fill your BF's cup too. If you have an empty cup, there won't be anything left for him.
Take care, with self-care.
