I think my trust is broken

[Luan]

I have started to be aware that my interactions with people (women) are marred with a feeling of distrust. I think that my trust has been well and truly broken  It has only been since I have started socialising more that this has become apparent.

Could one of the reasons that we are so so desperate to get our exBPD person back be to restore some faith in human nature? I feel like even if my ex could be a genuine and open that I would have a better chance of building trust with new people. Of course, we have friends and family that we trust, which is a great thing. But without some genuine remorse, compassion or care, how long will it take to not be distrustful of new potential romantic partners?

It feels like I have been given her trust issues as a parting gift.

[Cromwell]

We get lied to in relationships, an average of ten a day.

Not enough for me after this to approach dating like police interogation, or ask for a pre psychiatric report certificate.

There are lies and then there are the dealbreaker, line crossed boundary trampled over stuff

How to react to it would have helped me better rather than trying to prevent it, or in my case I gave her too much trust to early based on how I felt, rather than it having been steadily earned.

I think if you feel that this has caused you to become temporarily jaded with human nature, I had the same but it goes away it is self protective state of mind based on the gravity of what had just happened.

I mean, you discovered the deceit right? Then put a stop to it. When I look back at the stuff the ex did, there was very little if anything I could have done to have safeguarded myself from it happening. People have been married for years and all of a sudden discover a partner has actually had something on the side for years.

I didnt get trust issues as a parting gift, just valuable experience for the future. The only way society is able to function is because trust is a corner stone of nearly everything. I cant get jaded on that basis or take what happened to me and encompass it too far outwards to others. I gave the same level of trust in previous r/s and it was not taken advantage of. I cant justify to myself rationally to be jaded based on the actions of one person but at the same time there is a confidence that having learned from it ive changed to the extent of being able to use a bit more caution and not necessarily take certain things on face value. I dont see any of that as negative for future r/s just sensible.

Just go out there and dont bet the farm, put safeguards in for what the worst that could happen so at worst a breach of trust becomes a manageable disappointment rather than a hurtful catastrophe. How long have you felt this way since end of the r/s? It goes away, trust can be fixed into a renewed stronger version.

[Luan]

I gave her too much trust to early based on how I felt, rather than it having been steadily earned.

Thanks Cromwell, this is me one hundred percent. I have only ever dated people I am attracted to, where there has been some steady build up of flirtation and frisson. At that point I am already 'feeling' some closeness and affection, so by the time a relationship has been established, I'm usually completely sold on the deal. Now I find myself questioning my judgement.

How long have you felt this way since end of the r/s? It goes away, trust can be fixed into a renewed stronger version.

I have only noticed it now, 10 weeks after the end of the 4 month relationship, when I have found myself initially attracted to someone, only to lose interest with the feeling that I will just get hurt. I have not experienced this before, even though I have had other relationships end with deceit. The sudden dump and lack of closure from my exBPD person has been the most painful ending, far more so than the end of my 18 year marriage. I'm glad to hear trust can be fixed, this is new territory for me.

[Mindfried]

Hi Luan,

Its like anything in life when it comes to trusting another person. Proceed with caution initially, keep an eye out for irregulaities, build a solid foundation and move forward with the firendship and see if it blossoms. I think we are all so exhausted from our BPD relationship trust is not the only issue moving forward in a new relationship but also having the mental energy to do so.

[once removed]

I have started to be aware that my interactions with people (women) are marred with a feeling of distrust.

in what ways?

[Luan]

in what ways?

I think I am just wary in a way I have never been before. Feeling like I can't be open and freely myself, and then second guessing what a new person is thinking or saying. All this paying attention to every little detail of what we say/validate/invalidate has had its toll. I am just observing myself, and hoping it will fade over time. I suppose the trouble is, I took my exuBPD person at face value, to my detriment, and I don't want to ever do that again, but we actually have to be vulnerable if we want a chance to be close to someone.

[Cromwell]

I think I am just wary in a way I have never been before. Feeling like I can't be open and freely myself, and then second guessing what a new person is thinking or saying. All this paying attention to every little detail of what we say/validate/invalidate has had its toll. I am just observing myself, and hoping it will fade over time. I suppose the trouble is, I took my exuBPD person at face value, to my detriment, and I don't want to ever do that again, but we actually have to be vulnerable if we want a chance to be close to someone.

Luan, I think I can fully relate here. A big part of where I found I got this 'high' from my ex, was that I felt I could fully trust her - to the point of where I did not see what I was doing as reckless - it felt immersive and it felt liberating, to find someone where trust feels it didnt even need to be considered and I literally threw it to the wind.

and all of that - could - have been totally fine - if it would have worked.

I feel the same that I wont do it again, because this throwing caution to the wind and putting too much trust too early, not really knowing her properly - sure I had made myself vulnerable to hurt but I did it to a point where an abuse of that trust became heartbreaking, rather than disappointing.

I hope you might think about the option of finding some middle ground because after something like this, it can happen to go to a defensive other extreme in response. It happened to me but I see it more as a temporary antidote rather than something I will get stuck on.

I think in the r/s part of the eggshell walking is that I felt that to ever question her integrity or faitfulness was an 'unspeakable' and would lead to conflict. I was groomed to just accept it as fact that she was an honest person, loved me and would never do harm.

When I did point out my suspicions - it resulted in her never denying it but instead asking "Cromwell! why would you ever think that about me?"

I got my answer but I also got the new answer, it was pointless to even bother going down this route in future.

The thing that is hard for me to do is not be able to set aside the fact there are manipulative deceitful partners where the advice to "get to know them steadily over time and earn trust". How long can it actually go before you can validate trustworthiness?

You get people who work in corporations for decades, they work their way up as role model exemplary employees, only to then commit embezzlement on the large scale once they get into a position of higher trust/less oversight. Then everyone is in disbelief if it is uncovered.

Suppose it is just the way of the world and we are never going to be immune to it. But Luan, I dont see how living in hypervigilant state permanently is also ever going to enrich any relationship. I think my advantage is less about trying to control the chance of being disappointed but having learned how to cope with having already went through betrayal, swallow the bitter pill and realise I could do it again if it happens, but also be open to the fact that it might not, that it did not in the past and that I can build better boundaries in future to discourage it.

[once removed]

to that, i would say three things:

grief is often synonymous with emotional unavailability... .being on guard, distrustful, reserved, guarded, jaded, any of these things. within reason, this is "ok".

i find when im overanalyzing my actions, not feeling like myself, feeling down about how im getting on with others, when things just arent coming naturally, and im just kind of in a funk, that i need to evolve in some way, or am in the process of it. kinda like growing pains.

that when im distrustful of others, its because i really dont trust myself in my interactions with others and how to navigate.

what do you think?