Where to start? SO and I are both divorced w/ kids (me: 2 sons 9+14, him: daughter 16). We’ve been dating for almost 3 years. His ex, I strongly believe, is a narccisst/BPD herself, and I want to be fair…that’s MY assessment based on what I have heard from SO+daughter, and also from phone convos/emails I have heard/seen first-hand. We don’t currently live together.
Pre-Covid custody agmt - he had daughter every other weekend, and then 1-2 times during the week (alternated). Daughter lived mostly with mom, and the relationship seemed like it was never a healthy one. Mom was very hard on her, chastised her, made her feel like she wasn’t good enough at anything, and it seemed like she withheld praise and/or affection if daughter didn’t act/behave/say exactly how mom wanted. Total recipe for disaster. Dad wanted to see daughter more, but mom hated dad so much, she used daughter as a weapon against him. Mom would take dad to court every chance she could if he didn’t agree with any of the punishment/child-rearing tactics the mom laid out. No issues with custody payments, ever so it wasn’t about money.; it was about control. I would say about 12 months prior to the beginning of Covid, mom/daughter relationship REALLY began to go downhill. Daughter would scream at mom, and vice-versa. Daughter would call dad while arguments were going on and we could hear them yelling at each other in the background. Dad felt total guilt cause his hands were tied. So when he DID have daughter on his days, 100% total daughter devotion, he was at her will / beck and call. I didn’t notice anything amiss about this since they only saw each other occasionally, and also, I rarely saw him on the days he had daughter.
Fast-forward to beginning of Covid: relations b/w mom and daughter became unbearable for both of them. Mom tells dad he can have daughter f/t, but nothing is officially put on paper. A trial period, if you will. Here’s the kicker, mom gave daughter the option of going to live with dad f/t and daughter jumped at it…then mom turns around and uses that against daughter and dad...telling daughter she’s cutting her out of her (mom’s) life. During the few months after this, there’s not much mom/daughter contact; they see other maybe 4 times over 6+ months. During the course of the Covid months, and up to now, daughter is living with dad and we start doing “family” things with my kids, daughter, and us. We do some vacays, outings, family meals together, movie nights, etc, etc. I start inviting daughter to gatherings with MY friends (and their families)…football parties every week, lots of social gatherings with other kids her age (boys and girls). I start seeing things and noticing things the more and more time we spend together: daughter has zero friends of her own. She just started 10th grade and really doesn’t have a social life, at all. She has a boyfriend and that’s it. IMO, she smothers him. And when her DF is not around, my SO is the object of her attention. My SO doesn’t notice this, maybe cause it’s always been like that. She won’t even socialize with kids at any gatherings (and they have tried talking to her); she sticks to her dad’s side like glue. He gets up to use the restroom, she jumps up and follows him. If she doesn’t know where he went, she’ll ask me. Then she will search for him. I adore this girl. I really do. I’ve been making an effort to spend 1:1 time with her, as my SO spends time with my 2 boys doing fun things, too. I chalked a lot of the issues up to her mom casting her aside, and her needing some extra attention. Problem is: it’s never enough. She has changed her appearance and dressing style too many times to count. Colored her hair all different colors at the expense of her dad (hundreds and hundreds). One day, when she’s left alone (keep in mind she’s 16 and doing virtual school during the day, while SO goes to the office), she posts half naked selfies on social media. I see this and alert SO. I mean, super seductive stuff. She’s dressed in fishnet thigh-highs, school-girl stripper plaid skirt, leather choker with metal chain around her neck, and a completely see through lace corset that shows EVERYTHING. A few days after that episode, we go away to a lake for a week (all 5 of us). We’re at the pool (just the 5 of us), and she walks out in a thong bikini (keep in mind she’s 15 at the time). I was like, “what the what-what?” I didn’t say anything. SO didn’t say anything, either. We’re in the pool and she’s hanging all over her dad. Same thing…she follows him around like a puppy dog, even in the pool. He can’t get away from her. At this point, I’m feeling really uncomfortable cause my 2 boys are there with us, observing. It just FELT so wrong on so many levels. That evening, and this is the first time I personally addressed the seductive issues about daughter, I bring it up with SO…doesn’t go over very well. He gets really defensive about her. I tell him, in no way attacking anyone, but it’s not SAFE to have a 15y/o girl acting and dressing like that. Then I told him I couldn’t imagine what he’s feeling as parent, and me bringing it up probably didn’t feel good, either. I let him know how watching their behavior together, for lack of a better word, CREEPED me out. It’s not just that, when I am around them, I feel like I’m on their date, like I’m the 3rd wheel. If I want to be next to SO, I would have to pry myself in b/w the 2 of them. She is pretty much always around unless she’s with her b-friend. She has no friends. SO and daughter say they are each other’s best friends. This also creeps me out. I don’t think it’s healthy for a child to be besties with their parent. They need socializing with their peers; adults aren’t their peers. Don’t get me wrong, I spend quality time with my 2 boys, but I have a balance with them. They have friends. They spend time w/ friends, time with me, and then we spend time as a family with SO and his daughter. Balance. To add to all that, if SO and I have any sort of argument, issues, or anything that comes up about us living together, etc., he tells his daughter everything. She knows about every argument, issues, etc. There are NO boundaries. I told him things have to change cause I am in a romantic relationship WITH HIM, not the 2 of them. I cannot even hold his hand or sit next to him, or even cook in the kitchen with him if daughter is around; she is always by his side. It’s gotten worse over the last few weeks…she ended up in a psych ward for attempting suicide. I actually was with them when we took her to the hospital. I held her hand (and she was grasping me for dear life) while we sat there for hours. Like I said, at the core, I believe she is a good kid. But she has manipulative tendencies and I am starting to see how she bends people to her will. SO is NOW starting to see this since she was diagnosed with BPD. It’s only been a few weeks, so therapy, etc, etc, is still being worked out. I told SO I was going to give him time and space to digest and come up with a course of action to help her, and that I am right here if he needs me. This is all new and over-whelming for all parties. My dilemma is that I really love this man. I am willing to work through this with him, and he wants me to, but he also wants us to continue our house search, and move forward as planned. But I won’t. Not until I see that he acknowledges (and takes action to correct) that it’s not his daughter’s place to be by his side, it’s his partner’s, just as it’s not my son’s place to be by mine. When I initially brought this up…that I am not sure if I can move forward (the other day), SO got defensive. I told him I also didn’t feel like the timing was right to even discuss since he has a lot going on, as do I. That made it worse. So I opened the discussion, and it ended with him telling me I was just jealous of his daughter. I let him finish his talking, and simply told him, no, that’s not it, at all. It doesn’t FEEL right to see what’s going on, and I’m not going to put myself or my kids into a situation where we aren’t happy. I have more than myself to think about here…I have 2 other humans to consider. At that point, he got a little belligerent, so I told him I wasn’t going to talk with him if he’s going to throw insults just to try to be hurtful, and I said I was hanging up and maybe we could talk again after we both had time to think. He called me later that evening to apologize, so now we are still talking things through. He has an appt with a therapist tomorrow and he said he looked up co-dependency and all that, and he agrees with me. He said he was going to work on the issues so we can be together. Great. But my concerns are still with his daughter. How can I help them? Support her? Am I getting in over my head? I will say, I won’t put up with any manipulative BS. Actually, I’ve already called her out on some BS and she immediately realized she’s never going to get one over on me. But what about all of us living together and dealing with BPD? What kind of improvement can be made if catching this at a younger age vs adult? She is going to begin DBT. I’m so torn. Any words of wisdom, or anyone dealt with being in a serious relationship with a parent of BPD teenager? Please share the good, the bad, and the ugly. Thank you!
PS - ignore my typos…not enough time to correct anything.
