Here we go again...

[raytamtay3]

Well things were going great for a while.  :)D was pretty much following all of the house rules, going to the program for her high school diploma, and generally a pleasure having around.  But now all of a sudden, we are back to square one.  She came home at 5:00 am this morning... .I have a meeting with the VP at the program who said we need to meet before DD can come back to the program as he will not tolerate disrespect.  I've had it. I just cannot fight the fight anymore.  There is nothing left to take away as she pays for her own cell phone now.  The only leverage I have is telling her not to ask me for anything such as rides, money, anything as I will not be providing it until she goes back to following the rules.  

DH is about to lose it.  He is pissed off beyond belief.  And I once again feel like a failure. :'(

DH has been totally distant for months.  I don't think it's related to any of this but it is just making my emotions run ramped.  I told him the other night how when I get like this, sometimes all I need is a hug.  Nothing... .We barely even speak to each other.  When I try and talk to him, he doesn't make eye contact and will just keep watching television while answering with short responses.  I'm unraveling because of all of this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Eyeamme]

Raytamtay,

I am so sorry that you are back to square one. Has something new come into play with your daughter? Can you sit your husband down and really talk? If I were there I would give you a hug :--)

[Dibdob59]

Hi Ray

Sorry to see you back here again feelng so overwhelmed. It is a knee jerk reaction for us to feel like failures when our loved ones revert back to bad behaviours, particularly when we have been lulled into that false sense of security when things seem to be going better.

But you know you are not a failure. I remember your journey and you have been through a lot.  You have been strong and brave.

But as we know, we cannot control what others choose to, especially those with BPD.

Don't be hard on yourself.

What can we do to help?

Dibdob

[lbjnltx]

 


:'(




I know it is really hard to overcome the disappointment and the deep down fear ray... .and this could turn around just as quickly as it went downhill.

Having a positive talk with your d about rebuilding trust that has been broken can pave the way back. 

On the husband front... .you need that like a hole in the head.  arghhh... .He deals with stuff differently than you... .maybe he is shutting down and needs some validation to get him to open up and release some of his pent up emotions and thoughts.

Hang in there mama... .you are strong enough to work through this.

lbj

[somuchlove]

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I don't know your whole story but agree that things can turn around so quickly.  Another thought,  My husband and I have had some tough times through our situation.  We are both educators and my husband works with kids that have all kinds of issues day to day.  He usually is my rock but this really was tough for us both.  I think he just had a really hard time dealing with all this.  His emotions ran all kinds of ways.  He felt helpless, because he saw how much I was hurting, and it made him angry and torn.  He felt he couldn't help me or our dd.  Which made him angry with her.  I think sometimes me can just put things on a shelf.  Mom's wear everything on their sleeve. Even though he thought he knew all the ways to deal with kids and mental issues, I finally got him to read a couple books I had been ready.  It gave us some good conversation topics and were able to become more supportive of each other.

I hope you can work through this.  You both need each other.  Although I still feel I run interference between dad and daughter it is better.   Hang in there.  I know sometimes I just wanted to be done, not have feelings any more, not care.  Just more than a mother can handle.  You can do it though.  Mom's seem to find the strength.

[unicorn2014]

I don't have any advice but I can say I am planning to work an al-anon program around my daughter once I get finished with my steps in ACA. I have set up therapy for her but track season just started so I'm kind of on the fence about it. She was initially interested in therapy but may be getting cold feet. We have another assessment in a week. I'll post about it later.

Thank you for sharing, it helps me to read other parents stories.

[DPT]

I am so sorry to hear that, and the hurt and frustration can be overwhelming with BPD.  When things are going good I am silently waiting for the nest boot to drop. This too shall pass, is  weekend get-a-way possible with your husband? This disease makes them take the backseat so much of the time. If one issue can be resolved, it's not so overwhelming.

[raytamtay3]

She didn't come home for three days.  She text'd me from time to time so I knew she was safe.  She asked if she paid me rent if I'd then let her do what she wants.  I said no. 

She finally came home at 12:30 am this morning after working and then going out after work.  This after I textd her telling her how she isn't holding up to her end of the bargain which was the condition for her coming home instead of a group home.  

DH shut off our wifii so she cannot connect to her phone and she decided not to go to school as a result in an effort to use it as blackmail.  I'm through trying to help her.  Right now I'm just doing what I can to safeguard my and my other family members and am taking a step back and letting the cards fall where they may.  I've tried time and time again to help her.  She will have to face the natural consequences of her actions.  She will be dropped from the program because it's mandatory the students put 20 hours or more in a week plus attend a Wednesday job training program.  I am just counting down the days until she can legally leave.  I wish I could tell her to leave now.  I've wasted far to much time and energy on someone who just does not care about anything.

I just don't know what to do with her anymore.  It would take her getting in trouble with the law again to have her sent away.  well at this rate, that's only a matter of time anyway.  But I just connect keep fighting the fight by calling the police every time she doesn't come home like last time, just to have them look at me like I have two heads and declaring it's a family issue, not a legal one.

PS: I heard her vomiting in the bathroom this morning. I wouldn't doubt if she is pregnant.

[somuchlove]

Sending a hug.  I see where you posted that she could be pregnant? Do you think this to still be true?  If she is or thinks possible she is that could be what is sending her into this tail spin.  Perhaps she was feeling as you were, happy things were going well, she may have felt some pride in the relationship she had built with you.  They definitely push the hardest against what they really want to keep in their life.  I hope that you will be able to have a good conversation with her.  As I have many times had to do before I did this was to re read about how to do this.  I had to write down ( my cheat sheet) so I wouldn't get off task.

Thinking about you and remember you have us all here for support.

[raytamtay3]

Sending a hug.  I see where you posted that she could be pregnant? Do you think this to still be true?  If she is or thinks possible she is that could be what is sending her into this tail spin.  Perhaps she was feeling as you were, happy things were going well, she may have felt some pride in the relationship she had built with you.  They definitely push the hardest against what they really want to keep in their life.  I hope that you will be able to have a good conversation with her.  As I have many times had to do before I did this was to re read about how to do this.  I had to write down ( my cheat sheet) so I wouldn't get off task.

Thinking about you and remember you have us all here for support.

I have no concrete proof or anything.  I guess I'm just waiting for that shoe to drop and hearing her getting sick this morning made me wonder.  Thank you!

[lbjnltx]

What are the consequences of not coming home for 3 days?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

That's the thing, I've exhausted all consequences.  The only thing left was taking away wifi.  She pay for her own phone but I'm not letting her pay me so she can use the wifi which is what she requested.  The data on her phone has run out and will not be replenished for 7 more days and she's not liking that fact.  

[raytamtay3]

My DD told me that three of her friends are looking into renting a place together.  At this point, I want her out of the house.  I want her to taste what it's like to live on her own and have the responsibilities that come with it.  I am going to talk to her therapist about what the legal ramifications would be should I allow her to move out.

[raytamtay3]

Update:  She was arrested last week for shoplifting and also for making terrorist threats after getting accused of the shoplifting by telling the store she was going to "F-ing burn down the place".  Was released to my custody since she is a minor and am awaiting court date.  Not going to the accelerated graduation program accept maybe once per week and at risk of being kicked out of it for not making her hours and is still coming in as late as 3:30 am.  The only consequence I have is that I have not and will not do anything for her or buy her anything until she starts doing what she needs to do. That has been my boundary that I have not faultered on since she's been staying out late.

She was offered another job and is straight out not going to her current one to take the new one even after both my DH and I have stressed how important and ethical it is to at the vest least give an employer a week notice.  Nope. She doesn't care.

So there is now three places in town I cannot go to because of her.  I am so beyond disgusted with her.

Oh and I am willing to bet money she is pg.  Still hasn't gotten it and it's been over two months.  Swears up and down it's not even possible.  I heard her on the phone telling her friend she was worried she was mind you... .I keep telling her to take a test.

Same cycle of using friends. She has now "stolen" two friends from her bestfriend and cut him off to use them as they have cars. The same exact cycle repeats... .

[raytamtay3]

I am a puddle right now.  DD for the fourth time this week, didn't go to school program and didn't call to tell them not to come to pick her up, and now they will no longer be doing so.  And of course she is blaming me... .I tried from 6:30 am until I left at 7:15 am to get her up.  Each time banging on her door (three times while I'm trying to get myself and DS8 ready) and each time she acknowledged me. Even got up and one point to use the bathroom... .but I should have called for her when I saw she was dead asleep... .well her life is going to be very very difficult now.  I already told her I will not be paying for her to take the test as the program paid for it and she would have eve had a graduation ceremony.  But I am beside myself.  I just cannot believe (or actually I can) that she F'ed this up! She has had chance after chance after chance and still manages to screw things up for herself.

The only good thing that will come of this is now I'm at least off the hook for going halves on a car for her as I told her I'd only do so if she graduated.  What a waste.

[lbjnltx]

 :'(

ray... .can she go back to RTC?  When does she turn 18?

[raytamtay3]

We are going to try. She doesn't turn 18 until the end of 2017.

As soon as we get the court date and I schedule a meeting with the lawyer, I am going to ask him to ask the judge to send her back.  I am not dealing with this again.

[mggt]

Dear Ray,  My heart goes out to you so sorry 

[raytamtay3]

Thanks.  So she had the audacity to call me a little bit ago saying how she contacted a driving school. Then she calls me back and says it's $300. I said oh really. How are you going to pay for that? She said I was.  I told her I would be more than happy to help her with some things when she starts doing what she needs to do. One of them being, coming in on time instead of 1:30, 3:30, etc. am.  Then I was called a pathetic mother who she hopes gets hit by a car and dies.  That I've done nothing but F up her life, yadda-yadda.  Good times.  Good times... .I expect to go home to a trashed house.

[Kate4queen]

I think you've gone above and beyond trying to help your DD. I think you have to do everything that makes sense to you as a parent and then at some point you reach a point where you have no other options but to let your son or daughter take responsibility for their own actions. Good for you for standing firm and I hope the judge and lawyer can get her back into a RTC for you.

[Eyeamme]

Raytamtay,

I am so sorry.  I have been through the same but never knew that my daughters behavior had a name.  I actually lived with it so long that I really did think it was me not her.  Please take care of you.  Do not let her make you give up on a fulfilling life.  My daughter is now 34.  I have been NC for months because I needed a break.  In that time I have taken a family to family class and also read everything on here.  I meditate, do yoga, volunteer. Although I have been cut off from my grandsons I still am trying to stay positive that I will be reunited with them someday.

Take care of yourself.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

She was arrested again last night. This time for smoking pot and having a pot pipe on her.  So we are up to three charges.  Hopefully the judge will send her away.  Haven't gotten the first court date yet.  Oh and as soon as I brought her home from police station (11:00 pm) she ran right back out and stayed out all night.

[lbjnltx]

Shaking my head in frustration and sadness ray.

Your d's behaviors are indicative of a child that needs long term quality residential treatment.

She doesn't learn from the consequences of her behavior.

She is a danger to herself.

She can't be kept safe in the "outside world".

Praying that the judge is compassionate and wise as he makes his ruling.




lbjnltx

[Dibdob59]

Hi Ray

Her behaviour is no reflection on anyone else -  you have done more than enough.

I hope that whatever happens at court will allow her to be placed somewhere safe so you and your family can get some respite from this chaotic behaviour. I know how destructive and exhausting this is.

How are the rest of your family and you getting on?  I think of you and your D most days - it's been a long, long journey for you all.

Dibdob

[raytamtay3]

We are doing ok.  Just trying to keep our eye on the ball so to speak, in getting DD back into a facility.  She digging her own grave (natural consequences) which makes this so much easier on me.

She stayed out all night again last night. Came home while I was at work to shower, eat and change then left before I got home yesterday.

[Sdmfoster]

Ray, I feel your pain. My 18 year old has started the cycle again two weeks ago. My DH and youngest DD want her out. I want a break from this crap, but we're adoptive to her and we have promised for as long as she's been with us that we wouldn't abandon her too, so I'm really torn.

[raytamtay3]

nevermind

[Kwamina]

nevermind

But I do mind!

A lot has been going on with your daughter, not coming home for days and getting arrested. I am sorry things have taken this turn. Though we know there's always a possibility of this happening, especially considering past experiences, it's still sad and difficult to accept. I know how you've always tried to keep hope alive and realize how hard this must be for you.

Your daughter is still young and although she's currently struggling, I do hope at one point she'll be able to turn things around. The love you've shown her over the years and your continued hope for a better tomorrow even after all the difficult and unpleasant things that have happened, can be a very important factor in the long run.

How are things now raytamtay3?

Take care

[raytamtay3]

nevermind

But I do mind!

A lot has been going on with your daughter, not coming home for days and getting arrested. I am sorry things have taken this turn. Though we know there's always a possibility of this happening, especially considering past experiences, it's still sad and difficult to accept. I know how you've always tried to keep hope alive and realize how hard this must be for you.

Your daughter is still young and although she's currently struggling, I do hope at one point she'll be able to turn things around. The love you've shown her over the years and your continued hope for a better tomorrow even after all the difficult and unpleasant things that have happened, can be a very important factor in the long run.

How are things now raytamtay3?

Take care

Very sweet and extremely appreciated that you reached out after I had second thoughts about posting my last post... .

Things have continued to spiral out of control.  It seems everything in my life is currently out of whack. Most days it's hard to even get out of bed let along function at work.  I think it's pretty clear to see that I'm depressed... .

She's still staying out all night most nights.  Our meeting with the lawyer is this Wednesday where we are going to discuss how we can get her back in to an RTC.

She comes home from time to time to grab clothes, shower and than leaves again.  I'm to the point where I don't put anything past her so I'm not even calling the police when she doesn't come home. Hopeful that with the help of the lawyer and the judge we can get her sent back to RTC to at least have calm and peace restored at home.

I feel like a shell of the self I once was.  Always miserable and angry when I once was happy and optimistic. I don't like myself very much these days.

Thanks for asking.  

[infiniteeyes]

Hello there Ray 

My heart really breaks for you from reading your post. Especially when I know that you have been here before and were hopeful for a brighter future. I still believe that things can and will improve for you. You say your DD is hardly there except to shower and change. Is there anything at all that you can do for yourself? I was exactly where you are at now a few months ago and I have no great words of wisdom except to say hang in there. I know it seems like your DD doesnt care about you right now but it sounds like she doesnt even care about herself. Im sure she knows your hurting and somewhere down the road I hope that she will recognize everything you have done for her. Right now I am more worried about you and I hope that you can gain some support around you. You are in my thoughts 

[Eyeamme]

Hey Ray

I feel for you.  I know what you are going through.  You need to remember that these are the choices she is making.  You would have different ones for her.

I hope that you can be kind to yourself.

Eye

[Kwamina]

Very sweet and extremely appreciated that you reached out after I had second thoughts about posting my last post... .

Us birds gotta look out for each other you know!

But on a more serious note, this really is a very difficult situation.

Things have continued to spiral out of control.  It seems everything in my life is currently out of whack. Most days it's hard to even get out of bed let along function at work.  I think it's pretty clear to see that I'm depressed... .

Are you getting help for yourself perhaps? Perhaps a therapist to help you deal with this depression?

She's still staying out all night most nights.  Our meeting with the lawyer is this Wednesday where we are going to discuss how we can get her back in to an RTC.

I hope this meeting goes well and that you'll be able to come up with a strategy to get your daughter the help she clearly needs.

She comes home from time to time to grab clothes, shower and than leaves again.  I'm to the point where I don't put anything past her so I'm not even calling the police when she doesn't come home. Hopeful that with the help of the lawyer and the judge we can get her sent back to RTC to at least have calm and peace restored at home.

From what you say here it becomes clear that you really don't feel safe around her anymore which only makes it even more important that you daughter gets help.

I feel like a shell of the self I once was.  Always miserable and angry when I once was happy and optimistic. I don't like myself very much these days.

You have been through this before with your daughter, but then things seemed to get better. To now have to be dealing with the same thing again really is a significant blow so I understand why you're feeling this way. No loving parent would be happy with their child behaving the way your daughter does and the fact that it is affecting you so, is also a sign of how much you care about her. You want the best for her and then it is very tough to see things unraveling like this.

These negative feelings are real and understandable, but can and hopefully will also pass again. I too encourage you to be gentle with yourself and very mindful of your own feelings as you deal with all of this

[raytamtay3]

Hello everyone.  I just wanted to stop by to let everyone know that we met with the lawyer (new one from last time as the former had to close practice due to an illness).  We told him all of the challenges we are facing, and what we would like the outcome to be, etc.  Even mentioned the idea of writing the judge a letter asking her to court order DD back to Residential.  She said that would be an ok idea, and to please send him a draft first which I will.  I drafted one today and sent to my DH for his review/input.

Saturday night (or should I say Sunday morning as it was 4:00 am), I woke up to go get a glass of water from the kitchen when my house phone rings.  Here it was my DH calling from the garage saying how DD's friend was out front flashing her headlights at our house obviously trying to get the attention of DD who was asleep in bed.  He wanted to call the cops and I, or should I say dummy me, told him to just go out and tell her to leave.  He did.  She claimed DD had told her she could wait there until her father called... .DH said that sh*t doesn't flush around here and to beat it and if she ever comes to our house doing that crap again, he's calling the police.  

Next morning I woke up before DD and heard her on the phone with said friend.  From what I could gather there must have been a party or something going that her friend was trying to get her to go to.  Well DD was in the bathroom at the time talking to said friend and she comes storming out and slams her bedroom door.  Her room is right across from ours and DH was still sleeping.  Then she proceeded to turn her radio up full blast.  I knocked on her door asking her to turn it down and she said “no, I want to wake his dumb a$$ up”!  Saying how her friend got locked out of her house and she was waiting for her father to call her. (LIE) I said she could easily wait at his house.  At first I wanted DH to shut the power.  And I really really should have had him do it.  But I just started Lexapro and Wellbutrin this past Thursday, and had already woken up with extreme anxiety to the point my heart was racing (side affect).  After telling DH this, he agreed that at that moment it might not be a good idea to have to do that because we both know how things would escalate which would result in the police being called.  So she got away with it! I am beyond pissed off.  I am at my wits end.  I am so done with her.  Forget about validation forget about any of that crap because I cannot do it anymore because it is simply ineffective with my DD.  It might work with some, but not mine.

Just pray for us that DD is court ordered back into a residential center because I don’t know how much more restraint I can have.

On a side note, I had my very first panic attack on this medication I have been giving Saturday night to the point I thought I was going to have to go to the ER.  It subsided after about ½ hour but it was horrible.  But just to show how desperate I am, I am trying to preserve until the side effects where off just to feel better and help me through all this crap!

Oh and PS, we are like 90% sure DD is no longer working.  So that would be 3 jobs in 6 months.

[raytamtay3]

Oh and one more thing.  She got a ticket for being a passenger in a vehicle without a seatbelt on that's been sitting on the fridge for a month that she has not paid.  She had the nerve to call me today to ask me to find out how she goes about paying as in location.  I told her to figure it out.  Of course that resulted in her cursing me out and my hanging up.  This is her mindset.  Treat us like garbage and then turn around and ask for something. Nope - sorry - no more.  You think your mature enough and old enough to come in all hours of the night if at all - well than your old enough to figure out how to pay a ticket. Where's the angry emoji on here? .

[infiniteeyes]

Raytamtay as we always say to each other your story is almost an exact copy of ours.

I too developed pretty severe anxiety (to the point of agoraphobia) and i have been on meds for the last 8 months. Sticking with them is a good idea and I found that for most people including me it takes about 4 weeks to feel the full effect. Before this I would have been anti meds but I have to concede that I could not have coped with the last year without them. I only wish I had started them sooner tbh.

I was having panic attacks on a daily basis and I did end up in ER at one point.

I understand your frustration completely. I did learn all the tools also and read all the books. We even did the DBT course and other family programmes. None of which worked in the long term. But instead of getting bitter about my time wasted I have learned to value what I have learned as I can use it in my interactions with other people and has made me a stronger & wiser person (a little) 

My DD16 has been in residential for 5 months now, her first time. I havent seen her in 2 months. The funny thing is the same relationship which caused my anxiety was the same relationship which helped me to overcome it as I had to bite the bullet and leave my house and travel 3 hours to visit. Not that my DD recognised or appreciated how difficult this was for me.

I will light a candle for you and say a prayer that the judge does in fact make the decision to send your beloved DD back into RTC for both of your sakes and the rest of your family too. Hang in there my dear 

[Lollypop]

Hi raytamtay3

Oh my word, just read all of this thread. I really feel for you and I've been there with those "enough's enough, I've had it". I've been so angry, resentful and completely hated my Bpds for every single thing he did to us. This eventually turned to a complete flat feeling of hopelessness. But with every crisis there comes change. And here I am now in a far better situation. See how I used the word "I"?

Breathe my friend. Pause. You can find a way to stop the chaos. We are all trying, feeling, our way to living a happier life despite our problems. It can be done, it just takes a lot longer than any of us like.

Hugs to you.

L

[raytamtay3]

Thanks everyone.  It is extremely comforting to know that I am not alone in my struggles and that unfortunately so many people are suffering as a result of mental illness in their families, on their own, etc.

I must say though, I feel better today and am hoping perhaps the medication is starting to kick in a bit.  I realize it's only been a week and a realize it could just be the placebo affect many talk about BUT I WILL TAKE IT!  I feel like the fog has lifted and the dark cloud is dissipating. 

I literally felt like that new commercial out there for some depression med where people carry around that happy face sign.  Only thing is, I couldn't even fake a smile. That is how bad it was.  I find myself laughing again. 

DD came home to grab clothes again last night and left again.  I just stared as she walked by, which she did with a smile and giving me the peace sign.  Then says "damn mom, I can't even look at you because you give me the death stare".  I had no words.

I am just hoping and praying she's ordered back.  I still cannot believe she reverted right back.  WOW.

[raytamtay3]

I know this is my own darn fault for not listening to others when they said DD16 should have gone to a halfway house prior to coming home.  I wanted to believe she was reformed and would do everything in her power to not put herself in a situation where she would have to go back…

I still am in total disbelief that we are back to square one.  I just mailed the letter to the judge…our lawyer mentioned how that there is no guarantee that the judge will keep the letter between herself and me.  While I wish it could be that way, I know I have to “man up” and deal with it and take ownership of my part in trying to get DD help again.  But my nerves are shot!

DH and I are thinking there is a potential the judge will have DD go on probation and set guidelines she will need to follow, which I’m sure will be to follow the house rules like before, and that I am to report to the probation officer if she doesn’t.  So that will mean we have to go back to calling the police when she stays out past curfew.  I feel like this nightmare is never going to end.

[jellibeans]

Dear Ray

Just reading your post and getting caught up. I am so sorry for the pain you have been going through with your dd. I think things with my dd got really bad before she turned 18. Do what you can before she turns... .afterwards things become very difficult.

I have a few questions for you regarding Dd... .

1) When she doesn't come home do you report her missing to the police or run away?

2) Have you considered changing the locks on your home?

3) Have you tried to get the police involved... .saying she is a danger to herself? Get her on a 72 hour hold?

Right now I really feel you dd has addiction issues... .drugs will prevent someone from making the right choices... if you are looking at RTC please make sure they also have experience with drugs/alcohol. She needs a dual dx facility.

Ray what are you doing for yourself? Can you get to a place of letting go? This helped me a great deal. The realization I can not control my dd. It is very freeing and has helped me cope when things are not good. let go... .for school... .for now. There is always time for her to get her HS diploma.

What I see as the real issue right now is that she is coming and going as she please from your home and not respecting you or your home. How to deal with that? See question above.

Please keep us post Ray. I am not here much but I try to get on when I can. To let you know things are better with my dd. We are in good place right now and I am just living in that moment. I am not worrying about the future... .I hope things get better for you... .hang in there

[raytamtay3]

Sorry I'm just now responding.  What are we doing when DD doesn't come home? As much as I know this isn't the correct way to go about it, nothing.  The plan DH and I have is when she's on probation, which more than likely will be ordered at court tomorrow, is when we are going to begin getting the police involved.  This way it's pretty much a given that she will have a bench warrant which will mean she will go to juvi and the entire cycle of how we got her in RTC will begin again.

She's been gone for 4 days now.  I know she is safe because we've textd back and forth a couple of times coupled with her posting pictures on instagram.  Thankfully she isn't savy enough to have it private yet... .

[raytamtay3]

I just heard from DD who said she is moving out today. Said how I said she could.  No, I said by law, she could not.  Now she's saying tomorrow she is going to talk to the judge about being emancipated.    Hell if I knew for a fact she could be, I would not stand in her way! She just doesn't get it.  I told her how judges want to see at the very least, you have a job for a year, a savings, a place to stay - basically that you are financially able to support yourself.

[lbjnltx]

Hope all goes well today ray.  Let us know the outcome, we are thinking of you and your family.


lbj

[mggt]

   luck ray with all of this I know personally as we all do how devastating and trying this all is

[jellibeans]

Ray

I am sorry the struggle continues... .I hope the day goes well for you and your DD. I have been through some of the same things with my dd and I know it is hard to keep hopeful and also hard to know when to let go. It seems the more we try and control the more they rebel. My dd was dx with ODD when younger and I have seen her say no to a suggestion soley because I have made it.

Last year my dd didn't spend much time in our home. She was in rehab or sober living. I like to say that was a less stressful year but it was not. I do know that when she turned 18 things did change a bit. Instead of her telling us she was leaving she started asking to stay and that is when we could put boundaries in place for her to live in our home. It was very eye opening at times to see how much our dd really struggled on a daily basis and how much she needed us. But here is the most important thing that happened... .she started to appreciate our home and us for what we have done for her. Now we are not always the enemy. Some how we are getting a bit smarter every year!

If she wants to go I would let her try... .it is my experience that the grass is not always greener on the other side and they start realizing what they gave up. I hope the day goes well. Hang in there... .try to remain hopeful and let things play out.

[wendydarling]

Ray

While way outside my experience I send you my love and support alongside all. 

WDx

[Shell Shocked]

I know this is an older thread but goodness I can relate to so much of it.  ((hugs))  My daughter decided this year (senior year) that our rules are stupid and she doesn't need to follow them anymore.  It has been a rough year.  She also leaves for days at a time and will text me that she is at a friend's house.  She is in danger of not graduating and I am not sure what the future holds for her. 

[raytamtay3]

Hi Shellshocked.   Thanks for your reply, and I am sorry that you are dealing with the struggle as well.

DD is in a shelter pending placement at a program that is much like foster care. Only, I will maintain custody. It will be with a family specialized in dealing with kids like DD16.  There is suppose to be one other female there as well.  All I can do at this point is keep my fingers crossed and try not to anticipate what's going to happen with that... .

[raytamtay3]

Had court today.  The judge was not in a good mood (thankfully).  :)D was trying to get moved from the shelter she is in to another shelter stating she felt unsafe because evidently at the house her and two other females are at has people banging on the windows in the middle of the night and a couple of times the door has been wide open when they've come back from being out.  She asked our lawyer to ask the judge if she can move to a different shelter and the judge said no - pending documentation proving what DD says.  Because I am FINALLY aware of DD's manipulation tactics, I believe she wanted the move because the other shelter isn't as strict.  We used them the last time we were going through this.  In the one she's in now, if you so much as raise your voice, your visits are suspended.  Not only that, DD knew I'd have to be the one to transport her and probably had every intention of badgering me about getting her cigs, taking her home to get more clothes at which point she'd try to use the phone, etc.  I'm sorry, but she has completely lost my trust.  Our lawyer is going to contract the district police where DD is staying to see if they have reports like DD has said and if so, then present them to the judge to move her.

DD threw a fit in the lobby of the court house.  She was cursing saying how because she is mixed in with African-American girls and staff (DD is not prejudice at all, and in fact, thinks she's African American too), it's rednecks doing it and how nobody will be happy until she gets hurt.  At one point an office had to tell her to calm down at which point, DD stormed off to wait at the elevators.

I do not like our new lawyer.  We had a sit down before we went in and he was saying things like the police had no right to search DD's purse when they were pulled over (when they found the heroin) how 8 bags is nothing, how they cannot prove the shoplifting charge and how the drug pharinilla (sp?) charge was bogus! I was like What the heck?    So I was glad when the judge mentioned how DD has been in two RTC's and our lawyer rebutted that she completed them, that the judge recounted how that may be so, but she has had three charges since coming out, how she's a flight risk and needs to stay at the shelter she is at, etc.  I was like thank you!  

So we wait until a bed opens at the program DD is to attend which could take a month.  Which DD is not happy about the fact she needs to wait as she wants to start her time and get it over with.  "Even if I have to go to a different program that doesn't help. I want to start my time now"! She screamed in the hallway... .

She also asked the lawyer if she could be given custody to CPS so that she can start transitional living.  Apparently she can at 18 if she's under my custody, but 17 (which she turns in September) if I don't have custody.  The lawyer never did answer that.

Again, I cannot believe we are back to square one.

[Kwamina]

Thanks for the update raytamtay3

Based on how you describe things, it seems the judge was very wise to not make any rash decisions without any evidence supporting your daughter's claims.

It also seems that the lawyer is primarily focused on getting her 'off the hook'. Since he is a lawyer, it perhaps make sense to look at it like that, but getting her 'off the hook' now might not be in your daughter's best interest in the long run.

Back at square one perhaps, but another way of looking at it is that the first steps have been taken to getting your daughter back on track.

Take care my yellow feathered friend

The Board Parrot aka The Big Blue Bird

[raytamtay3]

Hello Mr. Parrot. .  I know it's the lawyer's job to defend and win cases. And really, he's trying to get the charges dropped but also push for the program, so I guess I shouldn't be upset.  I think it's that by him saying that the charges are no big deal in front of DD is what makes me cringe because then she says," see, even the lawyer says it was no big deal mom".

I like your analogy.  Yes, another step to get DD back on track.  One last ditch effort really... .

Thank you.   

[C.Stein]

This thread has reached its post limit. The thread has been split and the new thread can be found here.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=294059.0

Thank you to all who have participated.