Here we go again...

[raytamtay3]

Well things were going great for a while.  :)D was pretty much following all of the house rules, going to the program for her high school diploma, and generally a pleasure having around.  But now all of a sudden, we are back to square one.  She came home at 5:00 am this morning... .I have a meeting with the VP at the program who said we need to meet before DD can come back to the program as he will not tolerate disrespect.  I've had it. I just cannot fight the fight anymore.  There is nothing left to take away as she pays for her own cell phone now.  The only leverage I have is telling her not to ask me for anything such as rides, money, anything as I will not be providing it until she goes back to following the rules.  

DH is about to lose it.  He is pissed off beyond belief.  And I once again feel like a failure. :'(

DH has been totally distant for months.  I don't think it's related to any of this but it is just making my emotions run ramped.  I told him the other night how when I get like this, sometimes all I need is a hug.  Nothing... .We barely even speak to each other.  When I try and talk to him, he doesn't make eye contact and will just keep watching television while answering with short responses.  I'm unraveling because of all of this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Eyeamme]

Raytamtay,

I am so sorry that you are back to square one. Has something new come into play with your daughter? Can you sit your husband down and really talk? If I were there I would give you a hug :--)

[Dibdob59]

Hi Ray

Sorry to see you back here again feelng so overwhelmed. It is a knee jerk reaction for us to feel like failures when our loved ones revert back to bad behaviours, particularly when we have been lulled into that false sense of security when things seem to be going better.

But you know you are not a failure. I remember your journey and you have been through a lot.  You have been strong and brave.

But as we know, we cannot control what others choose to, especially those with BPD.

Don't be hard on yourself.

What can we do to help?

Dibdob

[lbjnltx]

 


:'(




I know it is really hard to overcome the disappointment and the deep down fear ray... .and this could turn around just as quickly as it went downhill.

Having a positive talk with your d about rebuilding trust that has been broken can pave the way back. 

On the husband front... .you need that like a hole in the head.  arghhh... .He deals with stuff differently than you... .maybe he is shutting down and needs some validation to get him to open up and release some of his pent up emotions and thoughts.

Hang in there mama... .you are strong enough to work through this.

lbj

[somuchlove]

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I don't know your whole story but agree that things can turn around so quickly.  Another thought,  My husband and I have had some tough times through our situation.  We are both educators and my husband works with kids that have all kinds of issues day to day.  He usually is my rock but this really was tough for us both.  I think he just had a really hard time dealing with all this.  His emotions ran all kinds of ways.  He felt helpless, because he saw how much I was hurting, and it made him angry and torn.  He felt he couldn't help me or our dd.  Which made him angry with her.  I think sometimes me can just put things on a shelf.  Mom's wear everything on their sleeve. Even though he thought he knew all the ways to deal with kids and mental issues, I finally got him to read a couple books I had been ready.  It gave us some good conversation topics and were able to become more supportive of each other.

I hope you can work through this.  You both need each other.  Although I still feel I run interference between dad and daughter it is better.   Hang in there.  I know sometimes I just wanted to be done, not have feelings any more, not care.  Just more than a mother can handle.  You can do it though.  Mom's seem to find the strength.

[unicorn2014]

I don't have any advice but I can say I am planning to work an al-anon program around my daughter once I get finished with my steps in ACA. I have set up therapy for her but track season just started so I'm kind of on the fence about it. She was initially interested in therapy but may be getting cold feet. We have another assessment in a week. I'll post about it later.

Thank you for sharing, it helps me to read other parents stories.

[DPT]

I am so sorry to hear that, and the hurt and frustration can be overwhelming with BPD.  When things are going good I am silently waiting for the nest boot to drop. This too shall pass, is  weekend get-a-way possible with your husband? This disease makes them take the backseat so much of the time. If one issue can be resolved, it's not so overwhelming.

[raytamtay3]

She didn't come home for three days.  She text'd me from time to time so I knew she was safe.  She asked if she paid me rent if I'd then let her do what she wants.  I said no. 

She finally came home at 12:30 am this morning after working and then going out after work.  This after I textd her telling her how she isn't holding up to her end of the bargain which was the condition for her coming home instead of a group home.  

DH shut off our wifii so she cannot connect to her phone and she decided not to go to school as a result in an effort to use it as blackmail.  I'm through trying to help her.  Right now I'm just doing what I can to safeguard my and my other family members and am taking a step back and letting the cards fall where they may.  I've tried time and time again to help her.  She will have to face the natural consequences of her actions.  She will be dropped from the program because it's mandatory the students put 20 hours or more in a week plus attend a Wednesday job training program.  I am just counting down the days until she can legally leave.  I wish I could tell her to leave now.  I've wasted far to much time and energy on someone who just does not care about anything.

I just don't know what to do with her anymore.  It would take her getting in trouble with the law again to have her sent away.  well at this rate, that's only a matter of time anyway.  But I just connect keep fighting the fight by calling the police every time she doesn't come home like last time, just to have them look at me like I have two heads and declaring it's a family issue, not a legal one.

PS: I heard her vomiting in the bathroom this morning. I wouldn't doubt if she is pregnant.

[somuchlove]

Sending a hug.  I see where you posted that she could be pregnant? Do you think this to still be true?  If she is or thinks possible she is that could be what is sending her into this tail spin.  Perhaps she was feeling as you were, happy things were going well, she may have felt some pride in the relationship she had built with you.  They definitely push the hardest against what they really want to keep in their life.  I hope that you will be able to have a good conversation with her.  As I have many times had to do before I did this was to re read about how to do this.  I had to write down ( my cheat sheet) so I wouldn't get off task.

Thinking about you and remember you have us all here for support.

[raytamtay3]

Sending a hug.  I see where you posted that she could be pregnant? Do you think this to still be true?  If she is or thinks possible she is that could be what is sending her into this tail spin.  Perhaps she was feeling as you were, happy things were going well, she may have felt some pride in the relationship she had built with you.  They definitely push the hardest against what they really want to keep in their life.  I hope that you will be able to have a good conversation with her.  As I have many times had to do before I did this was to re read about how to do this.  I had to write down ( my cheat sheet) so I wouldn't get off task.

Thinking about you and remember you have us all here for support.

I have no concrete proof or anything.  I guess I'm just waiting for that shoe to drop and hearing her getting sick this morning made me wonder.  Thank you!

[lbjnltx]

What are the consequences of not coming home for 3 days?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

That's the thing, I've exhausted all consequences.  The only thing left was taking away wifi.  She pay for her own phone but I'm not letting her pay me so she can use the wifi which is what she requested.  The data on her phone has run out and will not be replenished for 7 more days and she's not liking that fact.  

[raytamtay3]

My DD told me that three of her friends are looking into renting a place together.  At this point, I want her out of the house.  I want her to taste what it's like to live on her own and have the responsibilities that come with it.  I am going to talk to her therapist about what the legal ramifications would be should I allow her to move out.

[raytamtay3]

Update:  She was arrested last week for shoplifting and also for making terrorist threats after getting accused of the shoplifting by telling the store she was going to "F-ing burn down the place".  Was released to my custody since she is a minor and am awaiting court date.  Not going to the accelerated graduation program accept maybe once per week and at risk of being kicked out of it for not making her hours and is still coming in as late as 3:30 am.  The only consequence I have is that I have not and will not do anything for her or buy her anything until she starts doing what she needs to do. That has been my boundary that I have not faultered on since she's been staying out late.

She was offered another job and is straight out not going to her current one to take the new one even after both my DH and I have stressed how important and ethical it is to at the vest least give an employer a week notice.  Nope. She doesn't care.

So there is now three places in town I cannot go to because of her.  I am so beyond disgusted with her.

Oh and I am willing to bet money she is pg.  Still hasn't gotten it and it's been over two months.  Swears up and down it's not even possible.  I heard her on the phone telling her friend she was worried she was mind you... .I keep telling her to take a test.

Same cycle of using friends. She has now "stolen" two friends from her bestfriend and cut him off to use them as they have cars. The same exact cycle repeats... .

[raytamtay3]

I am a puddle right now.  DD for the fourth time this week, didn't go to school program and didn't call to tell them not to come to pick her up, and now they will no longer be doing so.  And of course she is blaming me... .I tried from 6:30 am until I left at 7:15 am to get her up.  Each time banging on her door (three times while I'm trying to get myself and DS8 ready) and each time she acknowledged me. Even got up and one point to use the bathroom... .but I should have called for her when I saw she was dead asleep... .well her life is going to be very very difficult now.  I already told her I will not be paying for her to take the test as the program paid for it and she would have eve had a graduation ceremony.  But I am beside myself.  I just cannot believe (or actually I can) that she F'ed this up! She has had chance after chance after chance and still manages to screw things up for herself.

The only good thing that will come of this is now I'm at least off the hook for going halves on a car for her as I told her I'd only do so if she graduated.  What a waste.

[lbjnltx]

 :'(

ray... .can she go back to RTC?  When does she turn 18?

[raytamtay3]

We are going to try. She doesn't turn 18 until the end of 2017.

As soon as we get the court date and I schedule a meeting with the lawyer, I am going to ask him to ask the judge to send her back.  I am not dealing with this again.

[mggt]

Dear Ray,  My heart goes out to you so sorry 

[raytamtay3]

Thanks.  So she had the audacity to call me a little bit ago saying how she contacted a driving school. Then she calls me back and says it's $300. I said oh really. How are you going to pay for that? She said I was.  I told her I would be more than happy to help her with some things when she starts doing what she needs to do. One of them being, coming in on time instead of 1:30, 3:30, etc. am.  Then I was called a pathetic mother who she hopes gets hit by a car and dies.  That I've done nothing but F up her life, yadda-yadda.  Good times.  Good times... .I expect to go home to a trashed house.

[Kate4queen]

I think you've gone above and beyond trying to help your DD. I think you have to do everything that makes sense to you as a parent and then at some point you reach a point where you have no other options but to let your son or daughter take responsibility for their own actions. Good for you for standing firm and I hope the judge and lawyer can get her back into a RTC for you.

[Eyeamme]

Raytamtay,

I am so sorry.  I have been through the same but never knew that my daughters behavior had a name.  I actually lived with it so long that I really did think it was me not her.  Please take care of you.  Do not let her make you give up on a fulfilling life.  My daughter is now 34.  I have been NC for months because I needed a break.  In that time I have taken a family to family class and also read everything on here.  I meditate, do yoga, volunteer. Although I have been cut off from my grandsons I still am trying to stay positive that I will be reunited with them someday.

Take care of yourself.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

She was arrested again last night. This time for smoking pot and having a pot pipe on her.  So we are up to three charges.  Hopefully the judge will send her away.  Haven't gotten the first court date yet.  Oh and as soon as I brought her home from police station (11:00 pm) she ran right back out and stayed out all night.

[lbjnltx]

Shaking my head in frustration and sadness ray.

Your d's behaviors are indicative of a child that needs long term quality residential treatment.

She doesn't learn from the consequences of her behavior.

She is a danger to herself.

She can't be kept safe in the "outside world".

Praying that the judge is compassionate and wise as he makes his ruling.




lbjnltx

[Dibdob59]

Hi Ray

Her behaviour is no reflection on anyone else -  you have done more than enough.

I hope that whatever happens at court will allow her to be placed somewhere safe so you and your family can get some respite from this chaotic behaviour. I know how destructive and exhausting this is.

How are the rest of your family and you getting on?  I think of you and your D most days - it's been a long, long journey for you all.

Dibdob

[raytamtay3]

We are doing ok.  Just trying to keep our eye on the ball so to speak, in getting DD back into a facility.  She digging her own grave (natural consequences) which makes this so much easier on me.

She stayed out all night again last night. Came home while I was at work to shower, eat and change then left before I got home yesterday.

[Sdmfoster]

Ray, I feel your pain. My 18 year old has started the cycle again two weeks ago. My DH and youngest DD want her out. I want a break from this crap, but we're adoptive to her and we have promised for as long as she's been with us that we wouldn't abandon her too, so I'm really torn.

[raytamtay3]

nevermind

[Kwamina]

nevermind

But I do mind!

A lot has been going on with your daughter, not coming home for days and getting arrested. I am sorry things have taken this turn. Though we know there's always a possibility of this happening, especially considering past experiences, it's still sad and difficult to accept. I know how you've always tried to keep hope alive and realize how hard this must be for you.

Your daughter is still young and although she's currently struggling, I do hope at one point she'll be able to turn things around. The love you've shown her over the years and your continued hope for a better tomorrow even after all the difficult and unpleasant things that have happened, can be a very important factor in the long run.

How are things now raytamtay3?

Take care

[raytamtay3]

nevermind

But I do mind!

A lot has been going on with your daughter, not coming home for days and getting arrested. I am sorry things have taken this turn. Though we know there's always a possibility of this happening, especially considering past experiences, it's still sad and difficult to accept. I know how you've always tried to keep hope alive and realize how hard this must be for you.

Your daughter is still young and although she's currently struggling, I do hope at one point she'll be able to turn things around. The love you've shown her over the years and your continued hope for a better tomorrow even after all the difficult and unpleasant things that have happened, can be a very important factor in the long run.

How are things now raytamtay3?

Take care

Very sweet and extremely appreciated that you reached out after I had second thoughts about posting my last post... .

Things have continued to spiral out of control.  It seems everything in my life is currently out of whack. Most days it's hard to even get out of bed let along function at work.  I think it's pretty clear to see that I'm depressed... .

She's still staying out all night most nights.  Our meeting with the lawyer is this Wednesday where we are going to discuss how we can get her back in to an RTC.

She comes home from time to time to grab clothes, shower and than leaves again.  I'm to the point where I don't put anything past her so I'm not even calling the police when she doesn't come home. Hopeful that with the help of the lawyer and the judge we can get her sent back to RTC to at least have calm and peace restored at home.

I feel like a shell of the self I once was.  Always miserable and angry when I once was happy and optimistic. I don't like myself very much these days.

Thanks for asking.  

[infiniteeyes]

Hello there Ray 

My heart really breaks for you from reading your post. Especially when I know that you have been here before and were hopeful for a brighter future. I still believe that things can and will improve for you. You say your DD is hardly there except to shower and change. Is there anything at all that you can do for yourself? I was exactly where you are at now a few months ago and I have no great words of wisdom except to say hang in there. I know it seems like your DD doesnt care about you right now but it sounds like she doesnt even care about herself. Im sure she knows your hurting and somewhere down the road I hope that she will recognize everything you have done for her. Right now I am more worried about you and I hope that you can gain some support around you. You are in my thoughts