Keeping The Peace?

[NonWhoCares]

Hi there,

After a roller coaster week of multiple "break-ups" (because I hold him accountable for his lies and his actions), I've decided that the best way to re-approach this situation is with positivity and motivation to make US better, not to specifically just wait for a Dr. to call us in for an assessment (I called yesterday, we've been on the waiting list for weeks now and it doesn't look like anything's going to happen any time soon in that department).

So. Aside from emails pertaining to my own self-reflection (what I find challenging when dealing with his emotional lows and the aftermath of his break-up threats, as well as the things that I need to work on when faced with those situations, as not to make things worse for either of us), my own personal boundaries (as a human being and as his partner... . mostly pertaining to the emotional/psychological abuse, the lies and the secrets), and just plain asking him to be kind to me so I can relax enough to sleep at night and get through a day without crying or feeling sick, I'm thinking that re-creating the "good memories" we've shared may help us to get back on track. We do have plenty of them, but for whatever reason, they're always forgotten when my partner is upset or frustrated... . So. I feel like an easy way to get him to remember how he feels about me (that I'm his family, he loves me and DOESN'T want to hurt me) is to physically remind him in a way he will understand... . To jog his memory, so to speak. We've also agreed to write out lists of the things we love about each other (because there's too much negativity in our relationship right now and it's poisoning our ability to live harmoniously).

That being said, I'm wondering if anyone has a suggestion (or twenty?) about how to sustain this type of positivity?

I've come to realize that, if we're going to make this work, the bulk of the responsibility will be placed upon ME, including the outcome (if it works, I'm in the good books. but if it doesn't, he will probably continue to talk smack about me to pretty much anyone and everyone who will listen... . I hate that!).

I'm also wondering if there's a way for us to get back on track, quickly, should things go awry?

This morning, I suggested that he lightly run his fingers up and down my back whenever I feel overwhelmed or start to cry (or have a full-on anxiety attack), as it relaxes me and allows me to "smell" him... . I know that sounds strange, but to me, my partner smells like home. Which is a good thing when you're desperate to calm down or stop crying (even though it's usually on account of his temper or disrespectful behavior). It centers me.

I've asked him to provide me with something that I can do whenever he's feeling overwhelmed or upset (frustrated) about something and/or after he has an outburst, in order to help HIM to calm down and center himself. Of course, he didn't have an answer at the time, but I made it clear that I do plan to follow up and that the intention is to help us stop letting "symptoms" hurt us nd our relationship... . For us to find a way to stay strong and to nurture each other, when everything seems to be out of control.

Thoughts?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[NonWhoCares]

** "holding him accountable" means clearly stating how it makes me feel when he lies and/or disrespects me as both a person and as his partner, and asking him to please put a stop to that (abusive) behavior. Instead of acknowledging the issue and being mindful of how his decisions impact me, he prefers to "break-up"... . Then, takes it all back once I freak out and express how much I love him and that things can be better between us, if we just work together... . He still lies and talks smack, so it never really works. Hence, trying new ideas.

[an0ught]

Hi NonWhoCares

To jog his memory, so to speak. We've also agreed to write out lists of the things we love about each other (because there's too much negativity in our relationship right now and it's poisoning our ability to live harmoniously).

it can be good to have a store of good memories to fall back on to. Still it is needed to acknowledge the negativity in the relationship as without validating that the situation is dire (extreme word in your eyes but remember pwBPD understand b&w best) he will struggle to regulate his sense of feeling distressed. If you are going this way read up on SET and the importance to deal with E before handling anything else like T=positive memories.

Check out my two recent posts detailing how being positive can often be invalidating in these threads:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=220905.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=220789.0

In the long run he needs to learn to hold negative and positive both in his head. Right now that will be challenging so proceed gently.

[NonWhoCares]

I find that, whenever I validate his feelings, he views it as being in control of me and our relationship and proceeds to use it as leverage in rationalizing his abuse. "Well, you're a crap girlfriend and I'm mad at you, so it's totally cool to treat you this way because I'm just reacting to YOU and YOUR negativity." When, really, he's interpreting a neutral or sad face as "angry" and is responding defensively to things that aren't meant to be negative. "What did you do, today?" is met with a response like "why are you always hitting on me? why do you think I'm doing something nefarious?"

Hence, I'm thinking that being positive will help bring him back to reality... . ?