Strangest things your BPD ex did directly leading up to their discarding of you?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

In hindsight, what are some of the oddest and eventually most hurtful things that your BPD ex did immediately / shortly before their discard of you?

I was thinking about this today and I was curious to see what other may have to say about this.

In all of the research, there are the stages of love-bombing, idealization, devaluation and discard but for anyone who has ready my story, the latent devaluation process was masked by almost more extreme love-bombing up until literally hours/minutes before the discard.

A couple of days before my ex discarded me in a sudden and spectacular manner, she was staying with her sister in the city we live in and this was actually a few days after I had seen her for the last time ever in person (I of course did not know this yet). The thing is, she did know that she would never see me again as her covert scheme to move out of our apartment while I was at work was close to coming to fruition in only a matter of days. On this day, so close to her plan becoming reality, she was sightseeing in our city with her sister. She sent me a number of photos of my old apartment downtown, this is where we had our first dates and where our relationship really started. She also sent photos of some of the different places in that neighborhood where we had some of our first dates and seemed to be very reminiscent of those times. I thought that this was a very kind and sweet thing to do and it just made me think of how happy she was, which she had been telling me for weeks.

However; when I think about this now, it seems like it was an incredibly strange thing to do given the circumstances of her knowing that she would never see me again and that she was about to toss me in the trash with no warning. I may just be thinking too deeply into this but it just comes off as very odd that she would be doing nice/sweet things like that up until the bitter end and mere days before she was going to discard me. There were a few other very kind things that she did in the days leading up to the discard and I can only help but wonder if it was to leave me with nothing but a positive image of her due to my last memories being so great and therefore screw with my head even more... .

[pjstock42]

In hindsight, what are some of the oddest and eventually most hurtful things that your BPD ex did immediately / shortly before their discard of you?

I was thinking about this today and I was curious to see what other may have to say about this.

In all of the research, there are the stages of love-bombing, idealization, devaluation and discard but for anyone who has ready my story, the latent devaluation process was masked by almost more extreme love-bombing up until literally hours/minutes before the discard.

A couple of days before my ex discarded me in a sudden and spectacular manner, she was staying with her sister in the city we live in and this was actually a few days after I had seen her for the last time ever in person (I of course did not know this yet). The thing is, she did know that she would never see me again as her covert scheme to move out of our apartment while I was at work was close to coming to fruition in only a matter of days. On this day, so close to her plan becoming reality, she was sightseeing in our city with her sister. She sent me a number of photos of my old apartment downtown, this is where we had our first dates and where our relationship really started. She also sent photos of some of the different places in that neighborhood where we had some of our first dates and seemed to be very reminiscent of those times. I thought that this was a very kind and sweet thing to do and it just made me think of how happy she was, which she had been telling me for weeks.

However; when I think about this now, it seems like it was an incredibly strange thing to do given the circumstances of her knowing that she would never see me again and that she was about to toss me in the trash with no warning. I may just be thinking too deeply into this but it just comes off as very odd that she would be doing nice/sweet things like that up until the bitter end and mere days before she was going to discard me. There were a few other very kind things that she did in the days leading up to the discard and I can only help but wonder if it was to leave me with nothing but a positive image of her due to my last memories being so great and therefore screw with my head even more... .

[FallBack!Monster]

gee whiz pjstock42,
  I find it hard to believe that not one other person had a comment on this. The exact same thing happened to me.  But there were many other things happening with her.  She would speak strangely.  Mostly about negative occurrences, news or anything bad in general.  She would rub her forehead often. She looked overwhelmed a lot.  This was towards the end when I was already replaced but didn't quite know it, yet.

Nevertheless, she tried to do nice things for me.  Well, they were more like nice from a kid to do for an adult. Still, I behaved in an appreciative manner during those weird moments. I could tell she was going through changes.  I could also feel her distant.

Great question

[Xstang77]

In my experiences from my recycles it's usually really great right before the discard,this last time the morning we woke up cuddling and sweet and she even noted how lovely that was,later that night we get into a small tisk and she leaves me again,the time before that we were out having dinner and there were some other guys there and told me how I'm so unique and great compared to other guys and romantic etc,I asked her if she could go back in time and change anything,her answer was she wished she never left the previous times so we could still be engaged and moving forward etc. the next day she left.

[joeramabeme]

In hindsight, what are some of the oddest things that your BPD ex did immediately / shortly before their discard of you?

There were a few very odd things but the one that jumps immediately to mind occurred shortly after she had moved out, but before we divorced (11 years married).  She called me up to tell me she wanted to do me a favor and offer to sell me our $60 bookcase because she no longer needed it and planned to post it online for sale.  She really thought she was being nice because she was going to offer me a discounted price from what she intended to sell it for.  Imagine that, she is going to sell me my furniture for a discount and really believed she was doing me a favor.

LOL!  The other thing was, she moved out on the 28th of the month and insisted that I reimburse her for 2 of the remaining 30 days of rent payment.

Talk about objectified personified!

[pjstock42]

In hindsight, what are some of the oddest things that your BPD ex did immediately / shortly before their discard of you?

There were a few very odd things but the one that jumps immediately to mind occurred shortly after she had moved out, but before we divorced (11 years married).  She called me up to tell me she wanted to do me a favor and offer to sell me our $60 bookcase because she no longer needed it and planned to post it online for sale.  She really thought she was being nice because she was going to offer me a discounted price from what she intended to sell it for.  Imagine that, she is going to sell me my furniture for a discount and really believed she was doing me a favor.

LOL!  The other thing was, she moved out on the 28th of the month and insisted that I reimburse her for 2 of the remaining 30 days of rent payment.

Talk about objectified personified!

That's so funny that you say that. My ex left behind a bunch of useless junk when she left, then in an email to me and my landlord she dismissively addressed me and said that I was free to "sell these items and keep the proceeds". I would have been lucky to get $5 for scrap materials with this crap, what this actually entailed was me spending an afternoon hauling this junk out to the sidewalk for the trash man. The 2 days thing is a total joke as well, I honestly wonder how people can be so petty... .

[Hopeful07]

In my experiences from my recycles it's usually really great right before the discard

I've noticed this too. I don't understand why it's like that. My (ex)boyfriend was super sweet, he even left me a surprise card on the bed that said all this amazing stuff, a few days later I was being painted black.

[Hopefulgirl]

Two days before he left my house for good we were supposed to meet up with friends for a picnic but he said he had food poisoning and went in bathroom and started "vomiting" (later told me he had faked the food poisoning). Insisted strongly I go without him, I came back hour later and he was perfectly fine and took me to dinner.

Started cleaning my house nonstop the next day, for hours, never done that before. Refused to sit close to me on couch, said he said he wanted to sit next to my dog because the dog needed affection more (?)He wanted to go to my church together (first time)and put a pile of books between us on the pew and refused to look at me.

Next day, woke up, his bags packed, out the door.

[fromheeltoheal]

she was about to toss me in the trash with no warning.

That's one way to put it pj, another is it is now clear she was living a facade, which would have crumbled eventually, so another way to put it is she freed you from the pain of being in a relationship with a borderline in devaluation mode; doesn't sound like you saw any of that, but from those of us who did, you didn't want that.

I may just be thinking too deeply into this but it just comes off as very odd that she would be doing nice/sweet things like that up until the bitter end and mere days before she was going to discard me. There were a few other very kind things that she did in the days leading up to the discard and I can only help but wonder if it was to leave me with nothing but a positive image of her due to my last memories being so great and therefore screw with my head even more... .

If she was malicious that might seem true, but doesn't sound like she was.  A borderline fearing abandonment is freaking out, plus someone without a fully formed self of their own is very impressionable, the whole mirroring thing is actually taking on the 'good', the positive traits a borderline sees in someone else, and there are no boundaries, so freaking out and impressionable can motivate the sticky-sweet until a clear break without compromise, negotiation or conflict can be made.  She surely knew how into it you were, and therefore what your reaction would have been, so put up the facade of lovely, and then bail.  Very brutal and heartbreaking, and can be considered malicious, or can be considered the actions of someone in survival mode who is doing what they consider necessary, from inside mental illness.

[ICantFixHer]

I didn't comment here because I left my exBPDgf; she definitely saw it coming.

That said the kind of things she finds valuable is baffling. I took a couple of terra cotta pots, little ones, and she wanted them back when I told her I wasn't coming back.

Hilarious story about the bookshelf "deal"!

[drained1996]

PJ,

Fromheeltoheal got it right, remember she is mentally ill, so to trying to understand the illogical, well, is like trying to have a discussion with someone who is illogical.  I'm sure you've encountered that in life.  You just shake your head and move on... .because you can Radically Accept that that person is either an idiot, or was having an idiotic moment and there was no use in continuing.  Best analogy I can give. 
And Radical Acceptance is most times the only solution/closure us non's will ever have.

On the OP, I had to leave mine as well, but quite frankly most days were met with something strange, odd, illogical, or simply batsh#t crazy.  They simply live in a world we cannot comprehend. 
At some point in time during your relationship... .on a pain meter from 1-100, if let's say 40 is near crippling pain, and you felt you were there... .she was at 70 or more.  That's their world, emotionally crippling pain.  They just have better defense mechanisms inside them that allows them to cover it and move on at least on the exterior... .the infection inside rages on... .

[Wize]

At some point in time during your relationship... .on a pain meter from 1-100, if let's say 40 is near crippling pain, and you felt you were there... .she was at 70 or more.  That's their world, emotionally crippling pain.  They just have better defense mechanisms inside them that allows them to cover it and move on at least on the exterior... .the infection inside rages on... .

I've heard this opinion expressed several times on the board, and I'm certainly not discounting it.  But, where does this pain come from in a pwBPD?  If they are always the victim, the pain doesn't come from their realization that they hurt people.  It would seem that their deep denial, mirroring and projection would prevent them from feeling any pain.  Rather wouldn't they just feel anger at the world for being so mean to them, for singling them out and trying to destroy them?  Pain comes from wounds, how can you feel pain from wounds that you have covered up with denial?

[drained1996]

Good question,

My explanation is simply from my experience and counseling... .keep in mind I am not a professional in this arena.  But I have had a BPD partner 10+out of the last 16 years or so of my life.
Typically, their triggers take them back to the pain they suffered in childhood that actually pointed them in the direction to become BPDs.  Let's for instance say they were molested as a child... .a trigger will take them directly back to that feeling.  That's when they use their self defense mechanisms to help cover that awful feeling... .projection etc.  They're not angry at the world when they are triggered, they are taken back to their feeling of absolute violation when their traumatic event occurred... .and the person closest to them becomes the one who violated them in a sense.  And being mentally ill, they don't have the ability to reason when they become dysregulated, at that point you are dealing with someone that has the emotional capacity of a child.  That's really the backbone of the illness from what I know.  Trust me, they feel the pain significantly more than we do, I've seen it, hugged it, reasoned with it, argued with it, fought with it  and cried with it, and felt it trembling for not much of a reason other than the wind shifted directions.  It's an illness that does not know logic, it only knows pain and suffering.  That's not saying the people who suffer from BPD are that way all the time, but when the symptoms and reactions come, all they know is pain, suffering, shame, and self defense.  If their will on their on defenses was able to be manufactured inside the brains of athletes, whoever could do that would never be scored upon... .their defenses are that innate... .even if they are illogical.

[snowmonkey]

@Wize, If I was being facetious, your point (that they shouldn't feel the pain that they've covered up with denial) is very logical... .and hence, considering we are dealing with pwBPD cannot possibly be correct.

And you're right, shouldn't they feel anger? Well, they do, lots and lots and lots of anger.

What I've come to believe, is that these conversations we have regarding what they are feeling and thinking are all pretty pointless. There is no logic to it, we don't have the words and concepts to describe in a meaningful way what is going on in their heads. They appear as if they are operating based upon some sort of crude, misguided, misinformed and flawed logic and we believe that if we can somehow understand the rules under which they operate then we can predict how they will react to certain situations, but I no longer see it this way.

I'm starting to think about BPD in a different way; namely, that there are more fundamental issues with their brain. By and large, my understanding is that very, very few of them ever properly recover and that all the drugs and talk based therapy is little more than a band-Aid. If I could use a metaphor, I might put it this way. Imagine a person with BPD as a computer. A properly functioning computer will usually give the same output if provided the same input, sometimes this is the output that you want and expect but occasionally we all get frustrated because it is just not doing what we want it to. However, the computer that is the pwBPD is broken. Maybe it was built with faulty parts or maybe it was dropped on the way home from the store. The BPD computer will almost certainly not give us the output we expect and will often give a different output for the same inputs. Perhaps for those trying to detach you can take this analogy one step further; If you owned such a computer would you spend a decade trying to rewire it and rewrite the code on which it operates, or would you go to the store and buy a new one?

[drained1996]

Let's keep on the OP's topic here, about strangest things your BPD ex did, certainly had no intent of hijacking, I've started a new thread based on the last three posts... .sorry to help getting off topic PJ... .you might find some semblance of understanding in that thread though... .it's simply my experience.   

[Beach_Babe]

My strangest things hmmm... .that would be very strange and paranoid behavior which included: accusing me of stalking him from 1000 miles away, accusing me of programming his thoughts, very unusual/bizarre sexual behavior and asking me to marry him. The next day he told everyone I was Satan and trying to kill him; also, that I believed he was a "worthless weighty" and fat.

Crazy.

[troisette]

We were on holiday, part of it spent with his friends at their house. The friends are very different from the people he's friendly with in our home town. I didn't know anything about BPD at the time and I found his behaviour strange, not the person I thought I knew.

We were in a rural area so no escape for me and I noticed that he'd become a different person. He became like his friends. I was uncomfortable, didn't know who he was. The atmosphere became even more strained when he started flirting with the wife and being childishly rude to me.

We moved on to our own pre-booked cottage, an argument in the car during the journey. When we arrived at the cottage he told me that he'd been crying in the kitchen, I told him that if anyone was crying it should be me after his awful behaviour to me. He threw a mini-fit, on his knees, buried his head in the sofa, said "I can't bear it", like a small child. I was worried, put my arms around him and said "It's okay, you're safe". He shook me off roughly and said "No, I'm not". It was disturbing.

Much later, after the split I found out about BPD. In hindsight I think he'd found the strain of mirroring his friends and my reaction to it, difficult to balance. Then the stress of the argument and justifying his behaviour became too much for him. He said we could never get back together after the row I think this was because I'd seen his real despair, behind his mask and he was ashamed. Then on the journey back, five days later, he started to pull again, being very affectionate.

I didn't know about BPD then and was all over the place, wondering what the hell was going on. Nowadays it's clear.

[fromheeltoheal]

At some point in time during your relationship... .on a pain meter from 1-100, if let's say 40 is near crippling pain, and you felt you were there... .she was at 70 or more.  That's their world, emotionally crippling pain.  They just have better defense mechanisms inside them that allows them to cover it and move on at least on the exterior... .the infection inside rages on... .

I've heard this opinion expressed several times on the board, and I'm certainly not discounting it.  But, where does this pain come from in a pwBPD?  If they are always the victim, the pain doesn't come from their realization that they hurt people.  It would seem that their deep denial, mirroring and projection would prevent them from feeling any pain.  Rather wouldn't they just feel anger at the world for being so mean to them, for singling them out and trying to destroy them?  Pain comes from wounds, how can you feel pain from wounds that you have covered up with denial?

For a borderline the pain comes from never having successfully detached from their primary caregiver and weathered the abandonment depression, a necessary development step most of us go through on our way to becoming an autonomous individual, a person with a "self" of their own.  A borderline never does that, for a variety of reasons, so they spend a lifetime looking to reestablish that earliest bond by attaching to someone, and once the attachment is formed will fear losing it, fear of abandonment, and also fear losing themselves in the other person, fear of engulfment.

That's not a "wound" specifically, it's a lack of normal development, when order became disorder, so a personality disorder forms, affecting everything downstream of that in development.  And yes, the tools work on some level, we know that because a borderline is still alive decades later, they haven't killed themselves, but the lack of a "self" is always there, the tools necessary constantly, since the fears are constant, and all of the behaviors come out of that.

[hergestridge]

When my wife left me she told me she had planned it a long time in advance. But a couple of weeks before she bought a new lawnmower that she left behind and made me make payments on. She wouldn't have done that if she planned to leave.

Also, the day before she left she was sunbathing nude on the lawn. She was normally very reluctant to show herself nude to me. I remember she was lying on her face spreading her legs, showing me everything. Our daughter was inside watching tv. It was like some kind of teasing just hours before she ended our 20 year relationship saying she didn't love me anymore.

At the time I wasn't surprised at all. I imagined anything could happen and whatever she said I didn't take seriously. She was unpredictable.

I would really love to hear her Point of view. What she thought was the odd things I did that made her leave. At the time I wouldn't listen, but now I am very curious.

[balletomane]

My ex's behaviour in the run-up to the discard wasn't strange. It made perfect sense in light of what he was going to do.

At the end of February/beginning of March I flew to visit my parents for two weeks. Before I left he told me how much he would miss me. When I had arrived at my parents' he sent a message saying he couldn't stop thinking about me naked. At some point over that two-week visit, our frequent IM conversations abruptly fell to nothing. I thought he was busy with his university work - or rather, that's what I tried to tell myself.

When I got back to his country and went round to visit, he opened the door to me and didn't even say hello, just turned his back on me and stumped back inside. No hug, no welcome, nothing. The front door opened into the kitchen and his flatmate was standing there. My ex's first words to me - in front of her - were to criticise my hair cut. "You look like you were attacked by a barber bear." My hair was no shorter than it had been at various other points in our relationship, because I always had it trimmed to that length when I went to the salon. I was hurt. Now I see that he was trying to advertise to his flatmate - his next girlfriend - that he had no interest in me.

Over the next four weeks he always had a reason why he couldn't see me or spend time with me. When I challenged him on it, he said it was just that he was too busy with his studies and that I lived too far away. (Note: I lived a thirty-minute bus ride away and for half the week we studied on the same campus.) Finally he suggested that we meet up for lunch. He did this after I'd had a bad week with my health, and I thought it was meant as a nice gesture. The first thing he said as we sat down was that he and his flatmate had got together. "I knew I had to tell you soon because you can read me like an open book." That suggested to me that his main concern wasn't that he'd started a new relationship without telling me, but only that I might notice.

[Xstang77]

In my experiences from my recycles it's usually really great right before the discard

I've noticed this too. I don't understand why it's like that. My (ex)boyfriend was super sweet, he even left me a surprise card on the bed that said all this amazing stuff, a few days later I was being painted black.

towards the last few break ups it was to the point that is she was acting extra lovey and great it would be a big red flag to me that she's about to leave, she would always do it at the worst times too around my birthday,holidays etc. last year she went out with friends for st pattys day drinking,I get a drunk crying call from her saying she's lost in the city etc,I quickly drive the 25 miles to get her on on the way she calls me telling me never mind she's ok etc,I come anyway and find her covered in her own vomit and she's puking out of my truck as we're driving while begging me "please don't break up with me I'm so sorry etc" a few days later she leaves me and breaks off our engagement.

[Beach_Babe]

Oh yeah... .he gave himself a black eye, took a picture and sent it to me.
Then told everyone I hit him.
From 1000 miles away.
The committee in his head then decided he needed to be punished so
he facetimed me and threw in a few headwhackings for good measure

LOOK. <headwhack> WHAT <Headwhack> YOU MADE <headwhack> me do!

then sang christmas songs and attempted to choke himself I guess for good measure... .

fun times

[zonnebloem]

Well, myself I do remember how I have been very sweet and loving altough I knew I was gonna leave my partner.
I did it because I wanted to hurt my partner (revenge) and let him feel guilty, or wanting to miss me and the love I can give.

in another occasion I have been loving to let my partner believe that I would never leave him, but this was the only way to escape the prison this relationship was!

not all that easy... .relationships! Can we do without?