never wanted to be home

[suffering_parent]

My exBPD wife never wanted to be home.   She always had to be off doing something.   She would spend a ton of money on gas running around.    If I ever asked her to stay home I was keeping "her in a prison".

A friend gave me a light bulb moment this week.   He told me her home life as a child was just so bad that now its likely not the safe haven that most of us feel.   This really makes a lot of sense to me.    It doesn't take away the frustration, but at least some reasoning for the behavior.

We lived in some very nice homes also.   It was so frustrating that they never could be enjoyed.

[AwakenedOne]

My exBPD wife never wanted to be home.   She always had to be off doing something.   She would spend a ton of money on gas running around.    If I ever asked her to stay home I was keeping "her in a prison".

A friend gave me a light bulb moment this week.   He told me her home life as a child was just so bad that now its likely not the safe haven that most of us feel.   This really makes a lot of sense to me.    It doesn't take away the frustration, but at least some reasoning for the behavior.

We lived in some very nice homes also.   It was so frustrating that they never could be enjoyed.

Yeah my uBPDstbxw was miserable at home. She wanted to just be off with friends and family instead of me and spending all of our money. I wanted to do things too but after being painted black she thought I was the devil. When she did stay home she insisted on being miserable and ruining everything. I heard that "prison" line too.

[Popcorn71]

My exBPDh was always out.  He never wanted to just spend time relaxing at home.  He constantly wanted me to go out visiting 'friends' and didn't seem to notice that some people didn't really like us turning up without making an arrangement with them first.  He just expected everyone to be pleased to see him all the time.

We both worked hard to make my house into somewhere nice for us and it took a long time.  Just when it was finished after years of work, he left to live in a caravan.  I guess 'home' doesn't mean much to a person with BPD.

[blissful_camper]

My ex didn't want to be at his home either.  He was constantly working, volunteering, doing anything to avoid being at home, until he was so tired he had to go home.  We lived separately, and he was more relaxed and comfortable at my house than his own. 

Interesting insight.  It's makes a lot of sense.  Thank you for sharing. 

[Banshee]

Oh Gosh mine was right oppossite...

he would get  knots in his stomach when you mentioned going somewhere.

At first I was ok with it but as time went by and  still being  a new couple... I started getting the knots in MY stomach when I would pull up.

For the couples  that get out and about would naturally have spats and arguments in different places... ours of course were ALL there... so his safe place (his home) started feeling like a prison to me.

[Ziggiddy]

My uBPD mum used to always be out and when she WAS home always immersed in a book, crosswords, on the phone with friend or, most often watching television. I think it is a way of avoiding on reflecting on their own thoughts - a way to not spend time with themselves.

Even if we went out  there'd just be a constant rehash of how it could have been made better or improved. I don't think it had to do with the home environment at all. i think she didn't want to be wherever she was because she was there.

[Climbmountains91]

My ex always wants to be home, its his "palace" as it calls it. When his at home he goes on his Xbox, computer games, watching television etc... . Its his safe haven, his not around authority figures or anyone telling him what to do as he says. If we were around his friends or mine one night and they asked him if he'd like to stay as it was really late it was always "no" he has to get back or if we were out clubbing by 11/12 he has to get back to his flat so it would be a , same in the day if we are hanging around town. I don't know why he'd want to be there to be honest its so dirty but as he says he likes to lock himself away some days. Drives me crazy, I'd rather he be the opposite.