making some progress... two steps forward

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am making some progress in some ways, but other things come up that i have to sort out. That's just part of the deal here.

I see myself sometimes in the other male posters stories of their exBPD's and I cringe.  My behavior was a little like that sometimes. oh yikes!

I was insecure, paranoid, clingy ,wanting validation that he loved me.  I didn't feel safe.  How much of that was what I came with (my stuff ) or how much of it was his stuff that i was trying to deal with?

I guess its both but now that his stuff is no longer coming at me cause we are no longer together, i am faced with only my stuff really. It's all good some days, and all bad others.

This might sound weird but i was thinking... . sometimes i wished that the issues we had were all about me... then it meant that he wasn't so bad. I could just keep working harder on myself, give him all of the love he needed while i was at it and voila, everything would be better. I don't quite get what that was really . denial ?

But the good thing lately is... .

I am finally at the point that I don't want him back, i am not interested in a recycle.  My fantasy of him coming around, the two of us going to some amazing therapist together and sorting it out is not there anymore.

I am starting to believe that I will be okay now.

Maybe one day i will have another relationship but thats not until i have the right relationship with myself.  I am not sure how I will know that.

Here I am... . it doesn't feel as yucky, as lonely or scary as it did.

I am feeling some peace and I go to sleep at night feeling safer than I ever have.  I still hold my hand on my heart when i go to bed and drift off to sleep, it comforts me.

[corraline]

I am making some progress in some ways, but other things come up that i have to sort out. That's just part of the deal here.

I see myself sometimes in the other male posters stories of their exBPD's and I cringe.  My behavior was a little like that sometimes. oh yikes!

I was insecure, paranoid, clingy ,wanting validation that he loved me.  I didn't feel safe.  How much of that was what I came with (my stuff ) or how much of it was his stuff that i was trying to deal with?

I guess its both but now that his stuff is no longer coming at me cause we are no longer together, i am faced with only my stuff really. It's all good some days, and all bad others.

This might sound weird but i was thinking... . sometimes i wished that the issues we had were all about me... then it meant that he wasn't so bad. I could just keep working harder on myself, give him all of the love he needed while i was at it and voila, everything would be better. I don't quite get what that was really . denial ?

But the good thing lately is... .

I am finally at the point that I don't want him back, i am not interested in a recycle.  My fantasy of him coming around, the two of us going to some amazing therapist together and sorting it out is not there anymore.

I am starting to believe that I will be okay now.

Maybe one day i will have another relationship but thats not until i have the right relationship with myself.  I am not sure how I will know that.

Here I am... . it doesn't feel as yucky, as lonely or scary as it did.

I am feeling some peace and I go to sleep at night feeling safer than I ever have.  I still hold my hand on my heart when i go to bed and drift off to sleep, it comforts me.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi corraline-

Good post!  I hear progress and some peace.

not until i have the right relationship with myself.  I am not sure how I will know that.

Have you ever been content with yourself at a point in your life?  I have several times, and discontented several times too.  A friend of mine says we either party or we ponder, meaning when we're content we just enjoy our lives and don't think about it, and when we're not in such a good place we dig and look for answers.  My ex was both an amazing party and then a really heavy ponder, which sparked another phase of introspection and personal growth, but she has been only one thing in my life that has sent me there, and I seem to come out the other side wiser and stronger.  I say we know when we're OK with ourselves when we are.  Can you relate?

[corraline]

Yes, heeltoheal

I have felt contentment... . sometimes i don't trust it either.  Sad but true.  It's something that operates in me.  I have been looking at that for a long time.  I believe its something that I made a decision about at a very young age.  I can actually remember when I decided this.  I am afraid that good things (even contentment) will be taken away from me. So I have this protective mechanism that i pull in to sabotage it., fear comes up and that fear alone sabotages it. This is at my core. It's big for me and i can't quite figure out how to change it, other than it is not functioning quite as strongly as it used to. I could be fooling myself ... . aha , there i go again.  now, i'm pondering

My t and i are working on this issue.

Hey, thanks for your reply 

[corraline]

Also, i recognize that there was something that I got out of the pain in my relationship with my ex.  Something about the pain I needed. Looking at that too.