wife

[kw2021]

I have been married to a BPD for 35 years, and it has been a lot of ups and downs. She will be fine for long periods and then decide I have been cheating on her or trying to kill her. I am so tired and having waves of depression.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

That’s completely understandable.  It sounds like she also has some paranoid ideation.

Statistically there’s a high rate of depression among partners of people with BPD. It’s understandable since it can be so difficult to deal with them. Here’s an article that gives a good overview:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

What are you doing for yourself to make things better? Hobbies? Friends? Have you a therapist? It’s highly recommended that partners of people with BPD enter into therapy. Even therapists with BPD clients often seek therapy since it can be so emotionally exhausting to work with them.

[kw2021]

I have been in therapy in the past, but not now. I have a 30 year old disabled son that lives with us, and I suspect he has either BPD or a similar disorder. There are other members of my wife's family that are diagnosed as narcissist/bpd. I try to keep peace between my wife and son, but I often end up a punching bag for both. She gets counseling, but they don't treat her for bpd. We went to marriage counseling and after she stormed out and physically attacked me, he told me he was sure she has bpd. That was almost twenty years ago. He loaned me "Walking on Eggshells" and I realized he was spot on. I will keep weathering the storm a long as I can. She would never admit she has this and if anyone brought it up they would cut off and attacked.

[Ventak]

Hi kw, I'm so sorry you have gone through this for so long.  I know how devastating it can be.

I'm so glad you found us.  I have found this to be an incredibly welcoming place, full of helpful people who have gone through the same sorts of issues you have and genuinely care.

While you can never change another person, you can make changes yourself that will help with regulating highly emotional people's communication.  I encourage you to read through the site and look through the material to see what you might find helpful.  This is a good place to start:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=347835.0

You might want to focus on the Basic Tools / Immediate Help section.

What are you doing to take care of you?  That is probably your most important first step..