A Conversation of Hope

[Pook075]

Hi everyone.  Quick recap- 24 years married, separated for 18 months, our divorce finalizes in less than 3 weeks.  The first year of separation was basically no contact (except for family/bill stuff), we talked lightly for a few months, and the last few months we've become friends again...or at least friendly.

We found out that by my state's laws, we have to sell our home or I need to buy her out.  I've been unemployed for the last few months...for the first time in my life...so we're selling.  Today was the 3rd realtor we met with and we both agreed that this was the one- super sharp and has a great marketing plan to get us top dollar.

While talking to the realtor, he said that it was really nice that we're friendly and working together...it's rarely the case and it's often very hostile.  Without even thinking, I said, "Well, I love her, I'll always support her, and want nothing but the best for her life.  And while she wouldn't say the same thing, she feels that way too."

My wife stay silent at first, looking sad, then said, "Well, we spent 26 years together, of course I feel that way."

After the realtor left, I asked her about the guy she had feelings for...if there's anything there.  She said no and that she's enjoying being single, she doesn't know if it will ever get there.  She asked about my long distance relationship and I told her that it was in God's hands, I'm not pushing or rushing anything.

We made small talk for a bit, made some coffee, and went to our living room.  And surprisingly, my wife brought up mental health and how nobody could possibly understand it- even the best psychologists in the country.  The last we talked a year ago, she conceded that she's suffering from depression.  So this was very new territory.  What to say...I was genuinely unsure. 

But I ultimately told her what I tell all of you- mental illness is a sickness where you process thoughts differently.  It deserves compassion, not judgement, and I truly understand now what she went through silently for years. 

Again, she repeated that I couldn't possibly understand, so I got a little bolder.  I brought up her absolute that I never cared about her parents, and told her that we could endlessly argue that back and forth.  But we both know that's a lie, I do love her parents and have done a lot for them.  She agreed.  Again, shocking.

She then brought up being in an argument with our non-daughter, and how disappointing her hurts so deeply...she'd never want to hurt anyone.  Then the stunner, she knows that she's hurt me the most out of anyone in her life.

So I went a step further and explained that all the times she shut down or me...or disappeared on me...or picked a random fight...I reacted to her actions and words, when her emotions were saying something very different.  I couldn't possibly understand that because of how her brain works, her words may not align with how she truly felt, and that she never intentionally meant to hurt me.  She was simply doing what she could to please everyone, without realizing that it hurt everyone at times too.

My wife barely held back tears.  She understood that I understood...and I accept her nonetheless, loved her even.  I told her that no matter what happened, I would always be one of her biggest fans in life. 

At that point my wife said that they had to leave (she had her handicapped patient with her) and I didn't try to stop her.

I'm sharing this not because I need advice, but because my BPD wife destroyed my life, hated me with a passion, disassociated and created countless absolutes about me, and it's finally healed because I consistently lead with compassion and love. 

We had multiple conversations today that were so far out of bounds six months ago- I'm personally in awe.  I never used the term BPD, but there was some acceptance there and genuine remorse.  I'm sharing this as a beacon of hope- these relationships can turn around and even become loving once again, if you're willing to put in the sweat equity. 

We'll still divorce in a few weeks but for me, this is the best possible outcome and I'm genuinely thankful.

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[SaltyDawg]

Pook,

   That is totally awesome, your wife has had a 'moment of clarity' - a gift from the higher power, an answer to your prayers.  My wife has had a few of those too, only to find out that it is fleeting in nature.  Hold on to what you shared together with her today in your heart, as there is some 'hope' for a better relationship yet.

   I pray and hope that she can retain and appreciate your compassion, and both of you are able to move forward together as co-parents in a meaningful and productive way.

   Thanks for sharing, I find your leadership by example to be inspiring.

   Take care.

SD

[Pook075]

Pook,

   That is totally awesome, your wife has had a 'moment of clarity' - a gift from the higher power, an answer to your prayers.  My wife has had a few of those too, only to find out that it is fleeting in nature.  Hold on to what you shared together with her today in your heart, as there is some 'hope' for a better relationship yet.

   I pray and hope that she can retain and appreciate your compassion, and both of you are able to move forward together as co-parents in a meaningful and productive way.

   Thanks for sharing, I find your leadership by example to be inspiring.

   Take care.

SD

You're absolutely right, it may be fleeting, but it felt so good to be open and for both of us to actually receive some closure.  She also felt validated and it was great to see.  Hopefully I can continue to help her moving forward since the cycle we went through is starting to repeat with my non-BPD daughter that she lives with.  That situation is about to explode and I'm really hoping to avoid that for everyone's sake.

[SaltyDawg]

Pook,

I am glad that you have received some 'closure' and having that feels so good when it happens. 

The situation you speak of, you, your exw, and your D (both of them) will continue to be in my prayers.

Take care.

SD

[Augustine]

Proverbs 13:12

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”