I can't take it anymore: suicide ideas crossing my mind

[SybilVane]

I have already tod here what's happening to me.

I have (had?)  relationship with a BPD since 2 years. I live in Brazil, he lives in France. We use to travel to see each other about 4 times per year.

I bought my tickets to visit him in the end of July, but because a stupid discussion he totally blocked me, doesnt answer any mails... .and he was so so happy I scheduled my trip, and now it seems he is trying to erase me from his life... it's so unfair... .

I don't know what to do from now... I am thinking about lie and tell him I ccencelled my tickets, maybe it will make him realize how ignoring someone who loves you can be hurtful? I always supoorted him, despite he thinks I am a lier, a b**tch, I have been totally loyal and except for one time, I never replied his offenses back... I always ty ti keep calm... .

I am so lost... I took so many medicines to sleep, I dont find motivation to do anything, if I am awake I just cry, smoke one cigarette after the last one and start ti think that the only way to oput a end in all this sufering is tu put a end in my own life... .I even can't eat.

I feel so weak, it never hurtd like this... .the silent treatment is making me sik and crazy... .

What you think it will happen if I tell him I cancelled my ticket and maybe tell him to never look for me again?

It's si difficult, I can't think alone

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[sweetheart]

Hello SybilVane,

I am sorry you are feeling so sad     

Has your bf stopped speaking to you like this before, blocked your calls and emails ? Do you have any idea what happened for him to stop contact ?

Silent treatment can be very difficult to deal with especially when you do not live near each other. You have until the end of July before you have to make a decision about travelling to see him is that right ? So perhaps hold off making any decisions for the moment.

Do you have anyone, a friend, family that you can talk to for support ? Do you have a T or a family doctor you could discuss how you are feeling with ?

Posting here with us is a very positive thing to do and there will be many members here who will be able to relate to how you are feeling. So keep posting and letting us know what is going on for you.

[Suzn]

Hi SybilVane

I'm sorry you're hurting and so upset right now. Its understandable with the push and pull you're dealing with.  

Taking a lot of medication to sleep the night before can make us fuzzy and give us mood swings that can be pretty extreme. Not eating can multiply that effect.

Do you think you could eat a little bread or some crackers while we talk about all this? I think it would really help.  

[nomoremommyfood]

Whoa, this is so weird.

I've been asleep for most of the day, occasionally waking up to go through the exact same "Why is this happening?"/"I was so committed to him for so long"/"I can't believe I'm not dead, yet"/"why can't I just die?" thought process, finally realized I physically couldn't sleep anymore, chain-smoked a few cigarettes, then came on here in case writing out everything except the suicide part might help, and saw your message.

I'm not sure if I have any advice to give you, being in the exact same utterly agonizing position (mine is/was 8.5 years before a very sudden month-long disappearance and re-emergence only to tell me he wanted out of the relationship) but maybe it helps that you're not alone?

I'm not sure if you have any close friends, but having a good friend come over to talk it over - although I've found they never understand the situation, totally - can help a lot. I'd say having someone distract you outside of your house might help, but I know from personal experience that, when you're in the dregs, sometimes you just can't move - but a conversation with someone could help.

I also have written pages and pages about - some letters were I try to be supportive, some lists where I write down things he's done, some issues I wanted to discuss with him when the dust settled (it hasn't). I also found talking to a mutual friend to be really helpful in at least ensuring the conversation is with someone who has knowledge of the individual (and, on a selfish note, in the hope that my words somehow get back to him).

Regarding your ticket, I personally wouldn't lie and tell him you've cancelled if that's not the case. If you were to lie and he were to do an about-face and reconcile, you'd then find yourself caught in a lie, which may aggravate things even more.

On an unrelated note, I've had a few long-distance boyfriends (non-BPD) and they always choose to break up with me after I arrive out-of-town to see them instead of before I bought the non-refundable, very expensive plane ticket. Men!

Anyway, please feel free to contact me - I might not be a professional on dealing with BPD, but I am unfortunately extremely well-versed in severe depression it's toll.

[Stalwart]

Hey Sybil:

“What you think it will happen if I tell him I cancelled my ticket and maybe tell him to never look for me again” If that’s the outcome you want from the conversation than it might be for the better considering how desperately the situation is affecting you emotionally and physically.

If you are just presenting that hoping he contacts you and in turn and wants you to come to see him I’d be a little more careful with my bluffs. If he has any wherewithal he’ll already know that cancellation insurance can only be used in a non-preexisting medical situation and as a result you wouldn’t be able to. In that case if (as you feel) he is taking pleasure in doing this that will only reinforce him.

Sybil I don’t know but maybe it’s time for a time out and maybe repair yourself a bit so you don’t feel such an absolute ‘need’ for this long distant relationship.

The question really isn’t what we think you should do, it’s what do you want as an outcome of this?

One outcome that is so desperately wrong is: “…that the only way to end all this suffering is to put an end in my own life…” Sybil, I don’t know the full nature of your relationship but I know this place and it is not a place to live in. Do you have the availability of getting some kind of professional help to try and mend yourself and your health back to a better place?

Meanwhile Sybil it’s apparent that desperately trying to contact him or to try and somehow ‘get’ him to contact you isn’t working. Perhaps resigning to the fact that you may not be able to see him and totally cutting contact may work better to either get a response, or come to terms with the situation at hand that your relationship is in. You can’t force or control his actions any more than you can his decisions. You can only control your own in a situation to benefit yourself and your future.

I really wish it was easier for you Sybil but a situation can bring you to such a desperate state you have to start and wonder if it’s a good or bad situation for you and maybe focus on what will make YOUR situation better and more healthy.

[Daniell85]

those medications. I had to stop taking allergy meds, like benedryl, because they put me into a terrible depressed and hopeless state. A lot of the over the counter sleep meds have benedryl like stuff in them.

Have you considered visiting your doctor for something to help calm your anxiety and level of upset? You need to rest, but you also need to be able to stabilize yourself.

In this relationship you have, the most important person is YOU. Your boyfriend is obviously caught up in his own situation. I wouldn't worry about him right now. He's chewing up your mind with his behavior. I know how it is, I have been there so many times.

Some things that help are: leaving the house and getting out to walk or something to clear your head. Visit friends or family. My mom has been a godsend for me.

EAT. Eat. I stopped eating a couple of years ago due to my boyfriend's actions. I felt so utterly worthless, I wanted to die. I lost 40 pounds before mom pushed me in to see the doctor. I didn't eat for days at a time.

But you are worth a great deal. Your health, and emotions. A person of value. It's so hard to separate... detach from your boyfriend's silent treatment and hurtful behavior. It's hard for me, too. IT IS ALL ON HIM. He is doing this because he is a disordered person. No stable, loving person would act like this. He is making his own self act that way.

[SybilVane]

Hello SybilVane,

I am sorry you are feeling so sad     

Has your bf stopped speaking to you like this before, blocked your calls and emails ? Do you have any idea what happened for him to stop contact ?

Silent treatment can be very difficult to deal with especially when you do not live near each other. You have until the end of July before you have to make a decision about travelling to see him is that right ? So perhaps hold off making any decisions for the moment.

Do you have anyone, a friend, family that you can talk to for support ? Do you have a T or a family doctor you could discuss how you are feeling with ?

Posting here with us is a very positive thing to do and there will be many members here who will be able to relate to how you are feeling. So keep posting and letting us know what is going on for you.

Oh, oui. It's not the first, second or third time he gave me the infamous silent treatment. It is always because of unimportant things: the first one, I was at the supermarket and he thought I was talking to someone on the phone and avoiding him. You think you just asked me if I was at the phone? Nope, he started screaming, calling me lier, f**ucking b___... .It is always some little thing that could be solved with a civilized conversation.

I talk some of my problems to my friends, but I always have the impression they are pity of me and that they dont like him. I avoid to complain, I guess they are tired since I insist in keeping this relationship, and they dont think this is rational... .

Since the first big silent treatment, one year ago, I was so ruined that my father convinced me to go to a psychiatrist. I was really having suicide ideas and researching what could be the best way to kill myself. My weight was about 43 kg, I really couldnt sleep or eating, always waiting an answer from him - and it made me develop anxiety crisis.

I took two medicines: clonazepan (rivotril) and donaren (really works for me).

I also scheduled a therapist this week. In fact, even if I am a psycologist, I dont believe so much in psychology. I will just take a look... .

[married21years]

you have to sort you before you can have a relationship.

you need to look after you and be happy with yourself.

read read and read some more.

i know it hurts but space might be a good thing

[SybilVane]

Whoa, this is so weird.

I've been asleep for most of the day, occasionally waking up to go through the exact same "Why is this happening?"/"I was so committed to him for so long"/"I can't believe I'm not dead, yet"/"why can't I just die?" thought process, finally realized I physically couldn't sleep anymore, chain-smoked a few cigarettes, then came on here in case writing out everything except the suicide part might help, and saw your message.

I'm not sure if I have any advice to give you, being in the exact same utterly agonizing position (mine is/was 8.5 years before a very sudden month-long disappearance and re-emergence only to tell me he wanted out of the relationship) but maybe it helps that you're not alone?

I'm not sure if you have any close friends, but having a good friend come over to talk it over - although I've found they never understand the situation, totally - can help a lot. I'd say having someone distract you outside of your house might help, but I know from personal experience that, when you're in the dregs, sometimes you just can't move - but a conversation with someone could help.

I also have written pages and pages about - some letters were I try to be supportive, some lists where I write down things he's done, some issues I wanted to discuss with him when the dust settled (it hasn't). I also found talking to a mutual friend to be really helpful in at least ensuring the conversation is with someone who has knowledge of the individual (and, on a selfish note, in the hope that my words somehow get back to him).

Regarding your ticket, I personally wouldn't lie and tell him you've cancelled if that's not the case. If you were to lie and he were to do an about-face and reconcile, you'd then find yourself caught in a lie, which may aggravate things even more.

On an unrelated note, I've had a few long-distance boyfriends (non-BPD) and they always choose to break up with me after I arrive out-of-town to see them instead of before I bought the non-refundable, very expensive plane ticket. Men!

Anyway, please feel free to contact me - I might not be a professional on dealing with BPD, but I am unfortunately extremely well-versed in severe depression it's toll.

Wow. Your words really touched my heart. I also have the same impression you have: no matters how we try to explain to our friends/family what is happening. I guess only someone in the same situation can understand. Ad they are so many things I'm ashamed to tell... .I always have been a proud and secure person, it's difficult for me to tell, for instance, he said me once (when I was trying a validation and I asked what I could do for him, that I knew he was upset but we could talk about): 'you know what is the only thing you can do? Lick my shoes and maybe I can f**uck you one last time'. I remember clearly what I felt when I listened to it: it's so sick to say such thing, he's suffering more than me, and he doesnt want my help. I felt pity, even if this was humiliating.

Sometimes he breaks with me also, for some days. It makes me mad, asking myself what he is doing; sometimes I guess he is manipulating the situation only to stay 'single'. As far I read this forum, I guess is very typical for them to use this strategy. They become blind for other feelings, for the damage they create for those who loves them... .

But ofc we have perfect moments. He really knows how to make me happy, he's the kind of man who pays attention at my hair, my clothes, he loves to make up me, he's always giving me some little gifts, he was very engaged in learning my language (portuguese) and I also was very engaged in learning French. He presented me all his family, his friends, and he was so happy everybody likes me. I never felt so admired, since most of men dont care about this. I can ask his opinion about buying a dress, for instance; he loves to cook for me, he makes dishes in shape of heart, he can even make me a surprise at my work taking some fruit salad or brownie he made by himself. When he is happy, he treats me as a princess. When he's unhappy, he treats me as garbage.

When I bought the tickets to go France, we started to make plans about visiting other countries, as Greece, Turkey, even Qatar.

And now, with this current silent treatment, I fear it can be the end. We never know what really means this silent treatment: if this is just temporary, or if this is forever. This is the doubt that makes me crazy and unhappy.

I decided to dont cancel the tickets by now. I'll wait until the deadline to cancel it if this be the case. I've talked to his best friend today and she told me he is in a really bad mood regarding everything and refuses to talk about me. I'll try to be optimistic and think its just one more crisis.

Wish you good luck. It's not easy for us. Update me about your situation

[waverider]

What are your values and what do you want out of this relationship?

Long distance relationship often hit insurmountable obstacles eventually even without personality disorders, so what are, or where, the long term goals and plans? In other words where was this going?

Are you distraught over a failing dream, or a reality?

Do not lie about anything, you will be undermining your own values if you do.

If you can cancel the tickets work out what is the latest time you can do that, and make that your deadline.

You need to draw up some deadlines and boundaries for yourself, otherwise you will have no structure and will be vulnerable to reactive, not well considered decisions.

Try to get out of the "what if" and "if only" mode.

Do not underestimate the grief effect will be having on your thinking.

[sweetheart]

I am really glad to hear you have made an appointment with a therapist this week, that is a really positive way of looking after you.

Keep posting. 

[nomoremommyfood]

Wow. Your words really touched my heart. I also have the same impression you have: no matters how we try to explain to our friends/family what is happening. I guess only someone in the same situation can understand. Ad they are so many things I'm ashamed to tell... .I always have been a proud and secure person, it's difficult for me to tell, for instance, he said me once (when I was trying a validation and I asked what I could do for him, that I knew he was upset but we could talk about): 'you know what is the only thing you can do? Lick my shoes and maybe I can f**uck you one last time'. I remember clearly what I felt when I listened to it: it's so sick to say such thing, he's suffering more than me, and he doesnt want my help. I felt pity, even if this was humiliating.

I'm really glad I can offer some sort of help, even if it's just empathy. And know exactly what you mean about the just jaw-dropping things they'll say - it's so hard to continue to stay calm and "validate" when the insults go below-the-belt. "Lick my shoes... ." is pretty raw. I don't even think I can top it - after the fight that caused our break/break-up (no improvement on my end, yet), he threw "I only wanted to hang out so I could have sex before I left you." Calling me "expired milk" a while back was pretty bad, too. I had a therapist do a double-take at "why don't you just slit your wrists and do us all a favor?" And I didn't even consider it among his worst!

Of course, friends just think you have some sort of "abused spouse" syndrome; not totally untrue but I've learned to just keep the details of the fights to myself. I also think that, when you've been in a relationship for an extended period of time, people generally don't go around talking how much they love their SO other or whatever sweet thing they did. Conversations are more along the lines of "Oh, "Bob" and I saw that movie" or "'Joe' used to know that guy." So they only hear about the big things - and fights with pwBPD are like WWIII. That's aside from the fact that it takes a ton of insight toward a disorder to not just think the person's just a jerk. I spent years thinking my x?/bf just didn't like me and even thought the BPD diagnosis was incorrect - the guy avoids forming any attachments and he fears abandonment? It actually took years of little gestures and subtle before I believed he cared.

But I also know what you mean about silent treatments. They're unbearable. I also take clonazepam and I'll go through a bottle in a week - not recommended but the anxiety becomes UNBEARABLE.

I will say that talking to a therapist - a good therapist, not the kind that says nothing while you "sort it out on your own" - does help. I was lucky enough to have one by chance who happened to be a marriage counselor! They do perform the role of listening to things and accepting if you want to stick with it, as opposed to the friend response: "Leave him! You can do better!" And I also think the fact that he refused to speak about you to your mutual friend is maybe a positive sign? Like, how people say "the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference." If he's too upset to talk about it, then I think it's at least important to him. Further, I've told my x?/bf that if he's too upset to talk, don't talk at all and avoid calling him when I'm angry. Hopefully, your bf is doing the right thing and waiting until he's in a more stable state of mind before addressing you.

Hope that helps!